Please help me figure this out

SunnySundays

Hi, I'm in my 30s, grew up in Ireland, fairly standard, ideal childhood, eldest of many, parents still together. Have good friends, family, job, reasonably intelligent, not stunning but not ugly either. No health issues. No worries. No major difficulties growing up or now.

However, when it comes to my love life I seem to find some of the most deeply troubled people to be in relationships with and have got to the stage where I realise it has to be more than a co-incidence.

To explain, there have been 5 main relationships in my life. Two were sexual abused as children and a result trust & intimacy were challenging at times. One drank too much, the other regular nightmares. Another grew up in a horrible abusive home -trust, imitacy, night terrors etc. Another was adopted & grew up in care, again trust issues & self confidence was a major struggle. Another had severe ptsd due to a car fatal care accident again.

Long and short of it, all had trust & intimacy issues but appear very solid people. All 5 are good guys. All met in different places. All appear very solid at the outset. All are genuinely good people but fighting some demons. As a result they blew hot & cold alot. Push me away but chase me when I'm gone on repeat. Almost like my loyalty is being tested.

Friends call them 'projects' rather than 'boyfriends'. While I think that's mean, do they have a point?

They were all met at different places, are very different people so it's not like I'm seeking out this type of relationship.

I am very empathetic, caring and optimistic but not to the point I have a rescue complex or anything. Maybe I should cut them off earlier, I don't know.

I find that I am the person in the relationship being leaned on a lot & I just want a normal 50/50 relationship where I can lean on someone too rather than ending up feeling like a counsellor rather than a girlfriend.

I have tried to figure out why it keeps happening but have no idea so just wondering if anyone has an ideas as I cannot do it again.

Neyite

I don't have any ideas for you, but I had a 'pattern' myself when it came to guys I ended up with and it was counselling that started the process for me to unravel it all. I really believe that there's lots of non-verbal signals that we pick up so when we meet someone new it feels like we click - but we click with them because on some unconscious level, it's familiarity with something already known to you (from a previous relationship) that we are picking up on.

You seem very aware and clued in so that's an excellent start. I was able to trace it right back to the relationship lessons learned from my parents - like you they seem fine, a normal couple. But as a kid we take some of their relationship lessons literally- for example, My mother always emphasised how you need to work hard at a relationship, do everything to save it - but I don't ever recall her talking about the importance of me getting what I needed in a relationship, or that you sometimes need to walk away even if you love someone. So my interpretation was to focus on the needs of the partner, never my own. That meant I was unhappy, tended to end up with partners who were quite self-centered, but I also had no idea how to be assertive, to identify and state what I needed. I also didn't feel it was ok to walk away, so stayed long after I should have legged it.

I'm not blaming my mum though - while there are some definite elements of her relationship I'd never want or tolerate, what I was working off at the time was my subconscious interpretation of her relationship values that I absorbed as a child.

So for a start, analyse your parents, see if there's any correlation there. Is your mum the household fixer? Or is your dad someone who's had trauma of some sort in his life? What's their relationship style - does your dad 'lean' on your mother to sort out various stuff in his life? Not all of their relationship stuff might be relevant to you but it might be a starting point, and if you find anything there, explore that further.

B.A._Baracus

You say met all at different places... but be honest, were they all met through online dating?

TheadoreT

I'd be concerned that your post seems to put the blame solely on all 5 guys and not one single bit of self criticism for how all these relationships failed or areas where you grew and learned for the next relationship. It doesn't seem realistic to me. We all tend the point the finger elsewhere before looking at ourselves but surely you must take some part of the responsibility!? Things are rarely this black and white and even when I look back on failed relationships its always been a bit of mutual fault.
Ask yourself is it likely 5 random men all have major trust issues or is there aspects of your behaviour that's untrustworthy, or perhaps one of these guys had trust issues and you developed a hypersensitivity or self fulfilling profecy due to that.
Look within before taring down every single other person you've dated in your adult life.

YellowLead

It could be because your first relationship was that way, randomly, and since then you’ve sought similar types, who needed ‘fixing’ or nurturing because that is what was familiar for you.

Even if not consciously, your subconscious could be seeking out those with issues and blocking those without.

Ask yourself how you would feel in a 50/50 relationship. Does it scare you at all? Would you be worried you weren’t in control enough? Worried you weren’t needed enough? Not for you to answer here but maybe you distance yourself from guys who are more together due to some subconscious fear of perhaps not knowing how to operate in a 50/50 relationship where you’re not the stronger one.

ILoveYourVibes

maybe its not so much you are attracted to damaged people but repulsed by health

Or a bit ...meh about healthy people.

Maybe we are not as interesting to you as are in a stained glass window.

Also if they SEEM solid at the outset ..perhaps you are getting involved or invested too quickly? You let them mean more than a friend too early.

I am not saying ...erm be closed off etc.

But well go with an open heart.

But don't go with expectations.

You can't allow yourself to need them..so much ..so soon.

If you are committing ..to these unsuitable people so soon OR at least committing to them not recognizing the red flag...it tells me you might be needy.

Maybe also you don't think you are worthy of better.

Also I know its not pc to say so....but sometimes being a little judgemental of people ...is an act of foresight. If they give you little inklings into some weird behavior.

I could be wrong.

But its good you are owning all of your own behaviors.

Be HONEST ...if one of those guys DIDNT blow cold ....would you have felt the desire to save him and kept on doing it if he committed to you? I think you would have.


Why do you have need to save people? Is it because you don't feel you are worth being with unless people are leaning on you? That isn't how relationships should be.

Maybe you have a need to save or improve people.

Having a need to nurture is very common. A lot of people convince themselves its the same as love or affection. Its not. And very often ..its just annoying.

You don't have to be constantly giving to be with someone. Look after YOURSELF first. Its not selfish.

bitofabind

I'd echo what Neyite said. Therapy can be game-changing for identifying and changing these types of patterns. And it's all down to what we learned and have come to believe about ourselves and the world. So number one priority would be finding someone professional to talk to. Psychotherapy was a turning point for me. It's a safe place to work through previous traumas and identify what it is that you actually need at this point in your life.

As an example:

As a result they blew hot & cold a lot. Push me away but chase me when I'm gone on repeat. Almost like my loyalty is being tested.

Why do you let someone into your life who behaves like this? Why do they get the opportunity to crawl back in when they've already pushed you away? Is there something familiar about that to you? Some of us learned that love is chaos. It's drama and hard work and it's about constantly feeling "not good enough" and ignoring our own needs to fit into the relationship and then - the change in brain chemistry that comes with this "hot and cold" cycle can be mistaken for a connection. So what you think is a person you click with, is actually a person that deeply triggers you.

The best thing I learned from counselling was what my needs are, and putting boundaries in place to prevent them from not being met. So there's no more "hot and cold" guys because I'd run 100 miles in the opposite direction before entertaining that. There's no more "projects" because what I actually needed all along and will assert now is an equal. A partner that supports me as much as I support them. I found that once I'd worked through my own previous pattern of dating guys that just weren't offering anything close to what I needed.

So yeah. Do some research. Look at the therapy resources around you. And in the meantime, there's a lot of reading and podcasts out there. Look up Glennon Doyle, The Holistic Psychologist and the book "Attached" by Amir Levine.

mohawk

This is definitely a scenario where you need to look inwards and the common denominator is you not the guys ( not a criticism btw as I have had to self reflected after relationship breakdown). You can consider therapy or sometimes even a break from dating where you are more focused on yourself and personal growth. You really need to be completely honest with yourself about what drew you to those guys and why you ended up in a relationship with them instead of dating them and realising that no this guy isn’t a good match.

When you get back dating you need to remember that both people needs matter not just your partners needs.

SunnySundays

Thanks everyone for the replies. Just a few things.

@Neyite, great post and definitely some truth in the fact my mum is a household fixer. Not so much my dad leaning on her but definitely her siblings do a lot. She was a stay at home mum & seemed to get more than her fair share of caring for her dad when ill, making arrangements re funerals. It definitely made me determined to work outside the home

@BA Baracus, not one of them online. College nights out, friend of a friend

@Theadore, fair point on not self criticism. I have loads of flaws!!! I just didn't see how they related to this one.

@YellowLead 50/50 doesn't scare me at all. I would love it or perhaps even prefer the chance to lean on someone for a change.

@ ILYV, I don't know how to reply to most of that. I don't need them too much. That's why we split? Not sure I understand your post sorry.

Anyway, I asked a friend, the only one who would known anything about these guys privately. I don't share their private situations with anyone else out of respect. She highlighted alot of inaccuracies in my post (they weren't unintentional btw).

The first one being of the 5 guys mentioned, the joke about projects only applied to 2. There were a few very brief others that only last a few dates that most of he slagging is over.

Her view is that only two of these guys really mattered to me and if anything I was the one who was hot and cold in 2 of the other cases and the other one was just total chemistry with nothing else to hold the relationship together. I agree so maybe the background is not the issue if I'm honest.

She also said I have a very strong need to understand and find reasons for everything when often times, there aren't patterns but I will try to find ways to lump them all together and then decide there must be a reason why things happen.

If I'm honest, the last break up was the only one that cut really deep & I instigated it but it doesn't make it any easier. I felt I had no choice rather than I wanted too.

While I agree with what my friend highlighted, including the fact I like to understand the why on most things. I'm still not 100% sure she is correct even though I can't disagree with her interpretation. She'll probably read this and shake her head!!! I'm also now wondering why I like to understand the why behind everything and will probably try figure that out too so she has a point!!!

Anyway,the thread can be closed now as I have a clearer understanding of things.

Rubberchikken

Thread closed as requested by Op.

Rubberchikken