Not getting invited to any events since giving up

jacksn

Hi folks,

I decided to give up drink when Covid first hit and been off it now for 18-month. Enjoying all the benefits and have convinced myself that I won’t ever go back on drink.

Thing is that I told my friends that I had given up and I’m completely ghosted now. About 6 months into giving up, I’d get texts asking to meet up and it was always “are you still not boozing?” Or “Are you not drinking?” and then I got no texts, separate WhatsApp groups were formed and never heard from anyone. I’d send a “hello how are you” message to a few friends and heard nothing back. I’d try to organise meeting for coffee or in the park, nothing. It was my birthday last week and just the 1 text from a mate, who I replied to straight away saying thanks and how are things.. no reply.

The other thing is I am 42 with an only child who is 3, all my friends children are grown up and it’s hard for him to meet other kids his same age. I have another group of friends with some kids around 3-4 but same thing with them, I don’t get invited to any events and this is depressing me that I can’t hang out with others that my son can be friends with. I feel so alone, my wife is supportive but I feel like my son and in a way myself is missing out. I have been tempted to go back on drink, I don’t want to but I wish I never told anyone I was off it and could have winged it but drinking no alcohol drinks.

rolling boh

The guys you were drinking with were most likely drinking buddies so when you quit it is easy to fall off their radar often a non drinker puts people off it sucks but that happens a lot in Ireland i feel .When drinking is a big part of your social life it is a huge change if you take it away very often people stay drinking because they are afraid they will have have no social life if they quit .For me if a friend is a true friend drinking or not makes no difference we may do different things but there should be more to life than hanging out in the pub and so what if you drink something non alcoholic you are still you keep it up and do what you feel is right for you .

Strumms

When I knocked drinking on the head due to a long term health issue, one drinking buddy kept in touch... the others did for a while but it petered out.

I realized then they were drinking buddies as opposed to mates.

Outside of going for a drink we were only in contact sporadically..the odd joke in the WhatsApp group and conversations if we were organizing a different night, a trip away for football, night at the dogs or trying one of the other boozers...which we did very sporadically..

sameoldname

It really depends, have you been invited out to places where people are going to be drinking and turned down the offer and they stopped offering or were you just not invited anymore because you don't drink now full stop?

Because I can understand it from their point of view if it were the former. I'd invite any of my friends who decided to quit drinking out to the pub but if they kept turning down the offer or expected us to go somewhere else to accommodate them I'd probably stop inviting them too.

On the other hand, if it is that you were happy enough to go and they just didn't want a sober person around then they're just dicks.

The birthday thing though indicates that either way, they're probably just dicks.

2018na

It’s just part of getting older imo. People’s lives move on and from a time when you could get a crew of 10 people together at an hours notice you can go to organizing your 50th party in a phone box. You end up closer to your own family I suppose and see more of them than anyone else.

jacksn

sameoldname wrote: »

It really depends, have you been invited out to places where people are going to be drinking and turned down the offer and they stopped offering or were you just not invited anymore because you don't drink now full stop?

Because I can understand it from their point of view if it were the former. I'd invite any of my friends who decided to quit drinking out to the pub but if they kept turning down the offer or expected us to go somewhere else to accommodate them I'd probably stop inviting them too.

On the other hand, if it is that you were happy enough to go and they just didn't want a sober person around then they're just dicks.

The birthday thing though indicates that either way, they're probably just dicks.

Thanks for the post, there were some invites at the start when I mentioned it was “Are you still not boozing.. we are meeting up at Xyz for a few..” and I would just have said that I’m not available. I reckon over 18months that’s happened 3 times and nothing this year to date. Reflecting on my friendships they would have all been based around socialising so I am coming to accept that. I guess I see it across different groups, the same theme that I’m just not on anyone’s radar. I know it’s not all drink with some groups who do meet up in the park etc with their families, even being part of these groups they discuss beers they are drinking at home or making cocktails and I have nothing to offer, that’s how it feels.

Iodine1

First thing, don't worry about your son, he'll be fine when he goes to school. You friends children are unlikely to be his friends anyway.
Now as far as your position: you need to stand back and look around. There is more to life than drinking, look to see what other people are doing when they are not in the pub, clubs, sports, and remember you may still go to the pub but with people whose main interests in life is not just boozing. Always remember why you gave up, and don't go back there, it wasn't good either! Good luck.

kaymin

jacksn wrote: »

Thanks for the post, there were some invites at the start when I mentioned it was “Are you still not boozing.. we are meeting up at Xyz for a few..” and I would just have said that I’m not available. I reckon over 18months that’s happened 3 times and nothing this year to date. Reflecting on my friendships they would have all been based around socialising so I am coming to accept that. I guess I see it across different groups, the same theme that I’m just not on anyone’s radar. I know it’s not all drink with some groups who do meet up in the park etc with their families, even being part of these groups they discuss beers they are drinking at home or making cocktails and I have nothing to offer, that’s how it feels.

You just need to meet people that have something more in their life than booze - couldn't imagine anything as boring as talking about different beers. Do a sport you enjoy through a club and it opens a whole new world.

K.Flyer

jacksn wrote: »

Hi folks,

I decided to give up drink when Covid first hit and been off it now for 18-month. Enjoying all the benefits and have convinced myself that I won’t ever go back on drink.

Thing is that I told my friends that I had given up and I’m completely ghosted now. About 6 months into giving up, I’d get texts asking to meet up and it was always “are you still not boozing?” Or “Are you not drinking?” and then I got no texts.[...]

First off, well done for giving it up and staying off it.

It's not easy when most, if not all, of your socialising circulates around Boozing and then you stop drinking. From your description it sounds like it was all about the drinking and not much else. It's when you make these life changes you really find out who your friends are.
So were they friends, or just beer buddies?
Don't despair. The lockdown hasn't been in your favour to make this change.
As things start to open up again get yourself involved in new interests and hobbies that don't centre around drink and things should fall into place. It might take a bit of time and may have a few twists and turns, but at the end of the day you will know that your health and well-being will always be better off for staying off the drink.
Best of luck..

prishtinaboy99

Sure at beginning there is the missing out feeling and takes time and seeing the real benefits of sober time to get past these feelings.With time passing you will see going back to the drink is no alternative as we will miss out more from hangovers, depression, sober life in general.

As others said here you lost your drinking buddies but I wouldn’t call them close friends. I lost a few I thought were friends but the ones that mattered were around for other activities.

You Gotta fill your life with other activities to fill that hole, with Covid relaxing I’m sure there will be more activities for your son, for yourself join a club, a gym whatever to keep you occupied. Boredom is a killer.

2 years sober now I don’t miss it at all and filling my life with alternative activities, to go back drinking for some ****e talk in a pub ..no thanks.

Keep going it gets better.