Very unhappy in marriage

LegacyUser

I have been with my husband for a long time. We were together 8 years before we married and we’re married 6 years. We have 2 small children. I am so unhappy in my marriage. I’m constantly walking on eggshells. I don’t sleep well (not helped by baby sleep patterns) and I’m regularly in tears.

I knew my husband very well before we got engaged and married. I loved him and considered him my best friend. The year leading up to our wedding I saw a change in him. He left all the wedding planning to me, so I did all the research and all the booking and buying, but every evening I would have to sit down and update him on everything. He didn’t do a thing apart from but a suit. I had to be there for that and sort out literally everything down to his socks. I kept a spreadsheet and updated it daily before our big sit down. I was so stressed. There were health problems with a family member of mine at the time, but all I got was arguments and stress over everything. Nothing that I did was right. It was awful and I had so many doubts about the marriage, but I was a coward and went ahead with it. Our wedding day was technically a success but I was a mess of nerves the whole time. I absolutely hated it because I was tense and watching him all day to see his reactions. The next day, he exploded at me because something tiny hadn’t gone to plan and it was all my fault. Since then, he’s taken credit for organising the whole thing. I can’t think about that day without crying now.

He wanted to buy a house immediately, so we did. We bought a house in an estate that I hated but I was overruled. Typically, he hated it too. The house was poorly designed and built. It is cold, dark, noisy and the neighbours practically lived in the garden and the kids on the street. No peace there day or night. We constantly argued over this. He is incredibly bossy and delegates everything to me. I take care of the cars (services, tyres, tax, insurance and NCT), I do health, life and house insurance, bills, etc. Any purchases that I want or need to make have to be run by him. Everything has to be documented and justified. I need new towels, I have to make a case for them. You get the idea. He earns 1% more than me, so it’s not like he’s the big earner or anything. I work full time in a stressful job but I have to do everything related to the house (cook, clean, meal plan, shopping lists, do all aspects of child related stuff).

So, we moved house to a lovely house in the countryside. He picked the location and convinced me. Fine, house bought, other house sold, me packing up and cleaning the house. He then announced that he’s not happy and will only stay for a year before we have to move close to his parents in a city suburb. I am pretty much told that it’s happening. The thing is, this countryside living is wonderful. Our children sleep well (as well as babies do). It’s peaceful, we’re just settled. Everything is on me and I am at breaking point.

He sits and broods. We have tense meetings because I don’t have bloody time to do anything that he wants. I get up, deal with the kids, take them to the child minder, come home, start work, break for lunch, eat a tense lunch with him, do housework, go back to work, collect kids, make dinner, do housework, put kids to bed, shower (maybe if I get time), sit down and get a bollocking because I haven’t done something, go to bed, wake repeatedly with my youngest and rinse and repeat. I don’t get any down time. He’s constantly moody. He delegates new jobs weekly and keeps lists.

There’s no peace from the future planning. He’s constantly applying for and interviewing for jobs but getting nowhere. He’s constantly planning our next house move. Apparently the end goal is to end up living back in the countryside but that’s after his parents die and our kids are grown. He orders me around and criticises me constantly. If I want to spend time with my family it’s criticised. They’re taking advantage, they demand too much. I shouldn’t waste a whole weekend on them, it’s too much when I’m not keeping on top of things here. If I sit down to watch tv, he’ll sometimes turn it off because we haven’t had a proper conversation or we’re watching too much of it. I don’t even see it most days. He watches hours of it every evening. He’s so moody and aggressive that I don’t want to leave my babies with him alone. I’m afraid for them. They’re the only good thing to come out of my marriage.

I’m so upset all the time. I don’t know what to do. If I leave him, he’ll fight aggressively for access to our children. He never spends time with them but dictates what they can and can’t do. I can’t allow them to watch tv or use a phone around them. He doesn’t know what they eat or when, where their clothes are or how to do anything with them. I’m afraid that they would be in danger of being hit or shouted at or punished if he was alone with them.

He used to be a really nice person but now he’s moody, lazy, critical and controlling. My life is one big circle of fear. If I take my kids out, I’ll get a call or message ordering me to bring them home now because he wants to see them. He does, for two minutes but it’s mainly to keep me at home. I’ve talked to him time and again but there’s no improvement. He tells me that he has to constantly think ahead or with my spending (completely untrue but I do the majority of the spending on food, etc because he won’t), my lack of ambition (I am at a good place in my career, I am earning almost as much as him), my inability to control my emotions, etc. I’m so sick of constantly not being settled or happy in my own home. If we move, he’ll be planning the next move. He is missing out on our kids because he’s constantly planning or trying to get another job.

This makes no sense maybe but I’m so tired and unhappy.

Telly

Why are you doing all this? Stop being his mother and stop running the house. Let it all build up and then he'll see exactly what you put into running this family. He needs a good kick in the arse! You've let him get away with it for so long so it's time to change it all. Break the cycle. Tell him you're gone if things dont change!

fits

OP this is an abusive relationship with your husband exerting coercive control over you all. If I were you I’d get out.

Wildly Boaring

Christ that's tough.
OP my sympathies.

Have you close family you can turn to for help?
This is beyond any sort of normaity and is abusive as above.

Bunny Colvin

He sounds like the miserable type and he's dragging you down with him.

HildaOgdenx

https://www.womensaid.ie/services/helpline.html

Give this helpline a call, OP. I think you would find it helpful to talk this situation out, and look at your options. Coercive control was my immediate thought. That's no way to live.

diceyreilly

Its sounds like its heading towards coercive control if it isn’t already.
Never ends well.

Get rid now IMO.

Neyite

Contact Womans Aid. Show them this post you wrote. Honestly everything you write is textbook domestic abuse. You have zero agency over your life.

Just from your post I can see coercive control, financial abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and you've probably not even listed loads more stuff.

By staying with a man like this you are showing your sons that this is how he should treat his partner in a relationship and you show daughters that this is how they can expect to be treated by a partner.

Contact them, please. Carefully make your plans in secret with them, they'll help you get the professional advice you need to separate safely from him. You and your children deserve a better life than this.

Zebrag

Hi OP

I'm so sorry to hear you go through this.

As previous posters have said, leave him. As this is easy said than done and I'm sure this thought has entered your mind on more than one occasion, please have your ducks in a row and think about logically what needs to be done before going any further.

Have a plan in place. Housing location. School location. Family and friends support. Surround yourself with support and comfort before you go down the root of leaving this man. The reason I say this is because, it will not be easy. It will be a fight. Your husband sounds like the sort who will go through all avenues to ruin you, be the bigger person and make sure you have who you need behind you, you will need it.

Look up solicitors for divorce. Discuss the options YOU have, not what your husband has. Look at what opportunities you have to leave this man. The reason I say this is because once you have somewhere to fall back on, it will be less hassel fighting.

The one advice I will say, leave the children out of it. It's between you and your husband. If needs be, discuss mediation and try and find a common ground to spend time with the children without them question or woundering. Kids can be affected more than you know and if they have an idea, it will make it harder for you. Please don't use the children as a reason to stay in this unhappy marriage. Your self worth and mental capibilites is not worth decreasing because you feel the children need their father there. Somewhat, it's true but a marriage should not be based on the childrens need to see their parents, especially their mother, being mentally tortured to the point of no return.

You can get out of this. You've a self realization that something isn't right, something doesn't feel right and you should be proud of yourself for this. It takes strength to recognised that your relationship isn't right. No relationship is perfect, but a relationship based on self questioning and reminding yourself that you're there for the children, is not a relationship worth belittling yourself over.

I've a family member who is going through this and simply won't leave her husband based on the children's needs but what she isn't realising that her marriage is affecting her children and both are going down the wrong path due my family member simply relying on her husbands moods to decide what decisions should be made. It doesn't matter if they day ends in a Y, it always depends on how her husband feels. She's not happy. She refuses to allow two of her children to attend councilling because her husband doesn't agree but he will happily spend their money in a pub when he's down and depressed about lack of work.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Put yourself and children first and look at all options and avenues before you decide which is best. Sitting down and telling him how you feel and what can be changed or keeping up with appearances and allowing yourself to spend another god knows how long suffering while your husband swans about doing whatever he pleases?

OP you're not alone and you're not the first and last person to go through this so there's plenty of websites, especially boards, to vent, chat and overal get any advice needed to help with this situation. You've got this. You're brave and courageous. I don't believe for one second that you're going to let this man dictate your life and I know you're desperate to have a day where you can wake up and smile, to breath.

You've got this.

Good luck OP

km991148

This sounds like an abusive relationship. That might sound very daunting in itself, and it sounds terrible to say but I think it applies here.

You shouldn't have to feel this way in a relationship. It's not a simple case of being this guy's 'mother figure' or he's just the 'miserable type'. It sounds far, far worse and will have more serious consequences for your own health and that of your children.

Again, I don't say this lightly.

You need support around you and you need to seriously consider that this relationship is over. This is going to be a difficult process, but better times will be ahead. Your feelings and emotions right now are not to be 'controlled' , they are real and fully valid and are telling you something important - listen to them and make the phonecall above.

screamer

Do you love him? If he changes could you see yourself staying with him?
If so, you need to talk with him and try to get counciling to sort things out between you both, but he needs to be onboard for that. If you don’t love him or indeed if he doesn’t love you anymore and want out then you’ll need to look into that, and in all of it, whatever you do please remember that your kids will need support too. It’s not a good environment for little ones as it is, and if you and your husband separate they’ll need support to understand that also.
Mind yourself and learn to say NO.

Neyite

Here's something that you might find useful. I always recommend it because it helped me understand so much and I know other women that it's helped:

https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

mohawk

At first I was tempted to say just stop doing everything and let him see exactly how much you actually do, but then reading further I saw several examples of abuse.
I don’t know what age your children are but how would you feel if they ended up in a marriage like yours. Right now their example of a marriage is the relationship between you and your husband. Reason I mentioned children is because all too often the next generation repeats the cycle of abuse. You say you can’t leave as he will fight for access but you can’t go on like this either.

What I am reading sounds like emotional abuse, verbal abuse and financial abuse and controlling behaviour/coercive control. He makes all the decisions, you get constant criticism, he gaslights you, he doesn’t like you going anywhere without him. These are all red flags. I am a big believer in marriage and getting through the hard times, but I draw the line when there is abuse in the marriage. It’s not a good idea to try make that marriage work.

If you decide to leave the marriage get advice first and start by contacting an organisation such as women’s aid.

I wish you all the best for you and your children OP You are far stronger and more resilient then you can ever imagine.

km991148

screamer wrote: »

Do you love him? If he changes could you see yourself staying with him?
If so, you need to talk with him and try to get counciling to sort things out between you both.

By the sounds of it, love might not be enough. Plenty of people love others even when the relationship is beyond toxic.

Look at it this way, how do you feel about the thought of mentioning therapy? What about the thought of showing your opening post?

If the answer is dread or terror at the reaction. Or you imagine the reaction is going to be blame shifting, gaslighting and denial then I suspect that it's going to be pretty tough to get someone like that to work on the relationship.

nikpmup

As an adult who's father did all of this to my mom when we were growing up, I implore you to make a plan to leave.

Staying with him for the kids sake will just damage the kids. I'm 45 years old. I have lifelong anxiety, guilt and self esteem issues, as do my siblings, as a direct result of growing up watching my father treat my mother exactly as your husband is treating you. He eventually left her for a younger model when we all passed 18. My mother's life was destroyed. I haven't spoken to my father in several years, but up until then I still desperately craved positive attention from him. It took years of self examination and therapy to realise that he will never care about anyone but himself, and I'm not sure I'll ever mentally unravel the damage that was done to me and my family. Of course, now that he's lying in the bed he made for himself he feels he's the victim.

He will never change. It's not your job to try to get him to change. There are some very good resources in this thread that will help you. Get away from him and seek help for yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

nikpmup wrote: »

As an adult who's father did all of this to my mom when we were growing up, I implore you to make a plan to leave....

.....I have lifelong anxiety, guilt and self esteem issues, as do my siblings

OP, please take note of this. If you can't be brave for yourself think of your children. Their lives are already being altered when he's around so as not to set him off. There are things they are not allowed do when he's there, watch television, being summoned home early from a day out etc.

The day will come, very very soon, when you are not the only one tip-toeing around him and exhausted by trying to maintain hs ever shifting standards.

Please, please reach out to your family. They would not want this for you. He tries to alienate you from them so that you won't ever have that support and strength to leave. You don't need to leave this weekend!! But start getting your support in place and your affairs in order. You will do what's right for you. And you will be OK.

mylittlepony

Is your name on the deeds of the country house?
Can you and kids stay in countryside as you happy there and he can move to city be closer to or live with his parents.
Obviously need to plan this and get legal advice.

whomadewho

My brother is in your situation , but I can see how their relationship is affecting my niece and nephew.
Your relationship is having averse affect on your well-being and your kids will pick up on this, so you have to do what is best for the kids as well as yourself.

Unhappyinlife

Unhappyinlife wrote: »

This makes no sense maybe but I’m so tired and unhappy.

Is there anyone you can go and stay with for a few days? I know it's hard with covid but right now you and your kids need to be in a safe environment. I know it's hard to accept the label of "abuse" but you are being abused and your husband is abusing you.

In terms of practical steps, contacting Women's Aid is a good one, imo.

Go to your GP and get sick certs for at least 6 weeks off work, tell them why too, this will allow you move out of the immediate vicinity if you have to and give you time to think about your next steps, one of which should be talking to a solicitor who deals in this area (I don't anymore).

Speaking as a solicitor, I'd be looking at a safety order from the Courts to get him away from your kids, if you genuinely feel he is capable of hurting them. Ime, abuse escalates over time, it doesn't lessen. Your solicitor will be able to tell you if the situation requires one or not though.

OP, it is massively serious that you escape this situation, for your health and for your kids health. I have seen the damage years of abuse does, I would beg you to act now.

shesty

No, no, no OP. That is an abusive relationship. He is coercive, controlling - you can't buy towels? You can't go where you want to when you want to? I know you can't see the woods from the trees - we often can't when we are in these situations - but it is abusive. You need to leave. I absolutely understand that your big fear is what he will put you through over access to the kids. You say your kids are small though OP, they see and will see in the very near future, all of this. They will think this is normal in a relationship. And very soon, he will be trying to control them too.

You need to get out of this, and quickly. Take the advice here, look at Womens Aid. This is very serious and you need to leave. This is not normal, it's not right, and it's not how life needs to be.

Yellow pack crisps

From what you have explained you can’t get proper help from here. It’s actually awful reading your opening post. You need to speak to someone who can help you break the spell he has you under. Don’t bother with advice here, contact women’s aid and get experienced advice on what to do next. Best of luck, sincerely.

mohawk

I just want to add a couple points if you do decide that to leave OP.
The thoughts leaving and planning to leave are the hardest part.
Once one of you has left that house OP and it’s just you and the children you won’t know yourself. You will have a weight lifted off your shoulders and you will be relieved.
Your children will be happier because their home life with you will be so relaxed and no tiptoeing around trying to please someone who will never be happy.

I remember after ending things with my abusive ex a few years back. Several people remarked to me how I transformed. They said I was carrying myself with confidence and could tell I was happy. I realised then what a toll it had taken on me being in that relationship I had almost lost myself in it. I can tell you my son is a very happy boy.

Goodigal

You've said it yourself - your life is one big circle of fear. This is not a way to live. Confide in a good friend or family member and contact Women's Aid for advice.

You and your children cannot live the remainder of your life like this. There is a strong version of you being crushed by this controlling man. It's time to dig deep and find that strength. It's there!!

I'd love to give you a hug right now because that was the saddest post I've read in a while. Take the advice given in the thread and make moves to get out of this circle of fear as soon as you're ready.

Big Bag of Chips

Yellow pack crisps, Personal Issues is an advice forum. Where posters come to seek advice and maybe get some outside opinion and clarity before taking the bigger steps of officially looking for help.

Please do not tell posters "don't bother with advice from here". "Here" is very often a first step for people where they get good advice on where to go next. Maybe OP had never heard of Women's Aid, or didn't think their help would be appropriate in her circumstances. And by posting here she was given that advice and support to know she's not being unreasonable.

Please be mindful of that when posting and replying to someone who has taken the first step of posting here.

LegacyUser

Op, my heart goes out to you. That was a tough read, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to live it.

Zebrag's post is excellent. Make a plan and leave when you have it all in place.

You deserve a much better life, free of this. Your children do too because growing up in a toxic environment like that will make a long lasting impression on them. They make completely seek out the opposite themselves when they grow but but equally they make repeat is if it's all they ever know.

Confide in someone you trust and work on a way out. I think there are too many issues for relationship counselling to work.

Yellow pack crisps

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Yellow pack crisps, Personal Issues is an advice forum. Where posters come to seek advice and maybe get some outside opinion and clarity before taking the bigger steps of officially looking for help.

Please do not tell posters "don't bother with advice from here". "Here" is very often a first step for people where they get good advice on where to go next. Maybe OP had never heard of Women's Aid, or didn't think their help would be appropriate in her circumstances. And by posting here she was given that advice and support to know she's not being unreasonable.

Please be mindful of that when posting and replying to someone who has taken the first step of posting here.

There is excellent advice given here constantly. I didn’t mean to sound like she shouldn’t bother with advice, more so that in my opinion she is in a seriously coercive relationship that she should seek support with trained and experienced people who deal with these situations. Apologies if it came of as anything else.

starbaby2003

OP, well done for getting all your thoughts out here. Maybe reread this and give yourself and your husband other names and see how it makes you feel. It very much sounds like coercive control. In addition to Women’s Aid, Safe Ireland do phenomenal work. It’s run by a an amazing group of women. If you don’t want to reach out to anyone, every day, maybe in work email yourself (a new account just for this, or a trusted friend) what has happened since the last mail. You might need it in future and if you don’t, no harm done in having it.

MissShihTzu

OP - It's very brave of you to put all this out there. It must be so tough. Lots of good advice on here already, but I'd also suggest the following:

1. Get your personal paperwork together. Passports, birth certs, insurances, bank books, personal correspondence. Take it either to your parents or a trusted friend. Even take them to work and lock them up there if you can.

2. Get a burner phone and keep it safe. You can use that to e-mail people like Safe and Women's Aid. Just in case your husband decides to go through your phone.

3. Get a burner yahoo/hotmail/gmail account. You can do all your correspondence through that.

But above all? PLEASE get legal advice. Protect yourself and your kids. Get some counselling (prob over the phone at the moment) for yourself too.

Be strong, OP. You got this!

ILoveYourVibes

OP this is every nightmare i have about marriage and every fear for my future.

You are unappreciated and controlled.

He seems really selfish.

Leave him.

He isn't a baby HE KNOWS what he is doing. He has made his life easy for himself.

If you have girls they will grow up thinking this is how men should treat them.

Sonic the Shaghog

God help us you poor thing My dad was a lot like it and it messed me and my sister up a lot nevermind my mam, he'll fcuk the kids up majorly nevermind yourself and yell be lucky recover you need to get out

LegacyUser

Gosh you can't continue to live like this, and when I say live , I say it loosely , because you are not living the life you want . You need to talk with a marriage counselor or legal professional about a separation, or just leave him , take your kids and go , find a womens shelter or stay with another relative instead. You can not continue to live in fear and be manipulated and controlled by this majonestic husband of yours .


<Snip>Full original post snipped. No need to quote the entire post.

99nsr125

// snip


So they'll be a split and bias along gender lines from the replies bare that in mind.

Firstly
You were happy once, you need to figure out what changed and why.

Secondly
It sounds very like your partner is suffering from depression and needs help and support.

Depression doesn't excuse the behaviour but may explain it.

Also you need to look at your own actions very rarely is one party soley to blaim


You need to sit down and detail to your partner in a calm non accusatory non confrontational way that you are unnappy, why you are unhappy and what you think the solution may be.

You also need your partner to do the same, see what matches and start from there.

This will be the start of finding shared happiness and love once again

Bobtheman

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117435753#Comment_117435753

I think posters should realise they don't have to deal with the consequences of telling somebody to just leave a marriage. Its a bit simplistic. You need to at least try to change the situation. People love labelling with the latest psychological buzz word.

Try these steps at least

Firstly tell him you are very unhappy. He doesnt seem beyond changing given he moved house when it didn't work out.

Then tell him you want councelling. Marriage councelling. In councelling he will be faced with his behaviour which is terrible.

Give him an opportunity to change. Kids create a new dynamic in families. Women unfortunately get lumbered with most of the work.

If he refuses to go to councelling then you outline some minimal changes you want to see. Don't make it an extensive list. Just two or three realistic items.

If that doesnt work then and only then ask for a separation. Start the process.

Separation and divorce are a nightmare. All the posters suggesting you leave straight away won't finance you or pay a mortgage. Or deal with raising kids completely on your own. Plus the kids will miss their dad. You can't sum up a marriage completely in a few paragraphs.

I'm not saying you should stay If he won't change but at least you will have tried to save the marriage and can tell your kids what steps you took.

There is a tendency to stick a label on a human being and dump them over there. The guy is not a psychopath. At least see if he will change. To assume any human being is totally irredeemable is quite severe.

He is the father of your two kids.

Try to see if he will change. Failing that walk away.

Seanergy

Sorry to read this OP, thanks for sharing, what you could.

Have you opened up on here looking for help/advice for saving the marriage or to get approval to leave it?

If your looking for the later, you have it, if your looking for the former, well then by all means we should be able to serve as a springboard so that you can help/empower yourself with that journey.

My instinct is to advise leave asap.

I am wondering how others advise you will mind the children from him? He will likely have regular access and shared custody. It would worry me, if he is as you describe. How does that work?

Bobtheman

Can you update us please

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Bobtheman - as per the Charter please do not ask the OP to provide updates. It is up to them if they wish to come back for further advice.

Thanks

HS

Your partner is not going to change. Would probably resent you for trying to change the relationship after so long. It's been working grand for them for years (although, the one issue I have is with the wedding anecdote, they will always be FAR more important to most women than men), but that's just one minor issue. There are plenty of red flags there to indicate an abusive relationship. And it's hard to see how he respects you going by his treatment of you. If there is no respect, how can there be love?

Can you honestly see him changing, even after counselling? He may mask his behaviour like he did in the early years, but not for as long this time.

As said above, also think of the children. They or you should not see this as the norm.

Good luck!

Lurching

My suggestion would be to talk to a professional yourself.

They will tease out your preferred path forward.

Couples counselling is also an option, but both parties need to be motivated for it to work.