Regrets and doubts over girlfriend (previous and present)

Mothballs

Like many, I've put this under a different account for privacy. But I'd like some... I'm not sure if it's advice or perspective or for someone to talk and listen to.
I'm a 30 year old male, thankfully with a good job, no debt, good physical and mental health, etc.
When I finished college nearly 7 odd years ago, I met a girl. We were working together and although I was friendly with her, I never saw her as a romantic interest for some reason (although she was very pretty). After 3 odd months, at a work party, she told me how she really liked me, etc. I am quite reserved with girls, and 99% of my previous encounters in pubs and clubs were initiated by the girl. So, this led to a somewhat dysfunctional on and off relationship of 4 years. I should say she was the first girl I was intimate with (although she was quite experienced). To be fair, part/most of the dysfunctional relationship was my fault, being my first real relationship with a girl....I didn't know what was expected of me. We didn't go on dates, didn't do anything at weekends, didn't get each other birthday or Christmas presents, but would spend all day together at work, and text all day/night - it led to some conversations which eventually led back to where we were. We didn't live together, but if we wanted to sleep together, I would visit her house. Occasionally, for a special occasion, such as a birthday, we might spend a night in a hotel. I knew her better than anyone, and she knew me better than anyone - soulmates is the only thing I can use to describe how synced together we were. We had an amazing chemistry. It's hard to explain... on paper, we shouldn't have been a match what so ever. We were both from different backgrounds (not social class backgrounds or ethnicity, etc), but family priorities etc., we just clicked so well. But as I commuted to work, she happened to go to a few work parties in the evenings, etc. Long story short, she cheated on me a few times, from a kiss, to meeting up with a previous boyfriend at a weekend when I had a very important work meeting and needed her support, to drunken nights with others.There are other examples, and they are just the ones I know about. I'd find out about it, get sad, she'd tell me it was a mistake or some excuse, that all she wanted was me, etc. and we'd go again. Rinse and repeat. I do completely acknowledge that I, not knowing what was expected of me from a relationship, neglected her emotionally/physically (from the perspective of lack of dates, etc). And this may have led to the cheating - there is also a connection with the need for attention that she has from childhood abuse she went through. But I was always there for her regarding this, and by the end of our relationship, she was in a much stronger place regarding this, which I think I helped her to get to. I do know that when we spent time together, we were truly, truly happy... I wanted nothing more.
So this continued until I got a new job. She said that she didn't think we would last once I moved (that I wouldn't continue to pursue the - dysfunctional - relationship that it was), which she was correct about to an extent. But we never broke up. We just faded apart, but kept in touch (which grew lesser and lesser). So eventually I found out she started seeing someone else. I again, became good friends with someone else also, but nothing happened for about 8 months, and nothing intimate for about another 10 months.
We both reconnected and spoke about how it wasn't the same in our new respective "relationships". One night late when she was staying at the new guys house, she rang me (very tipsy) from his room, saying how she only wanted me, how when she got home from her first date, she cried because all she wanted was me. She would have "stayed with me forever" (which I do believe) and if I just said the word, she'd break up with him now and be with me. I obviously didn't ask her to do so. (which I regret?).
Moving on, over the next few months, we spoke back and forth, mostly me asking us to be together, but I found out she moved in with him after 6 months (I do believe that this was a result of her no longer being employed and not wanting to go home to her parents for reasons expressed earlier), rather than her love for him.
So that's it. We are both with other people, nearly three years for her, over two for me.

So moving on to present day. The girl I am currently seeing is a lovely girl, very genuine, pretty, intelligent, kind, caring, giving, honest, (I know she would never ever cheat on me). A really nice girl. We go on dates and do the normal relationship stuff, I've met her family and she mine. I enjoy her company greatly, and we have a really nice time together but as I said, it's not the same...
She talks about marriage and children, of which I want both, and I am certain that she would be a great wife and mother...but I have no desire for either right now. The clock is ticking in her head, which I can appreciate. How do you know you want to get married? Should you be certain....? Is there something in your bones that you know you can't be without this person?
If there is, I don't feel like this.
But at the same time, if we broke up tomorrow i would miss her greatly. And it may be something I would regret for the rest of my life.

To complicate things, I sometimes dream about my previous girl (friend? not sure that's even appropriate to call her that retrospectively). But these dreams are usually (but not always) of a physical/sexual nature. I guess that was all we had together? We didn't have the dates or experiences together for my brain to draw on during dreams? She had a beautiful body, which I do miss..... and think about at times also.

Am I just wasting my current girlfriends time and ruining her life? Should I let her go to fulfil her dream with someone else?
What do I do or where do I go from here?

I'm sorry this is a long message. It has been a long part of my life. And I really hope this doesn't paint me in a bad light...

Yurt2

Girlfriend 1: Attachment trauma most likely (do a search on it). People pleasing, lack of firm identity, lack of boundaries and prone to developing co-dependent relationships with disorganized and unpredictable attachment . Not at all untypical in people who have had childhood trauma.

You can't do the fixing here. She has to do it herself (like dealing with someone with substance abuse issues really) - you can be of support, but she needs to go to the well herself and work through those issues. You represent safety for her in the fixer / enabler role (your role in the codependent set-up), but those are exclusively her needs and you've seen your boundaries consistently violated with the cheating/infidelity. Nothing will likely change unless she goes and does the work to solve her childhood issues. I'm sorry to say that you're probably setting yourself up for hurt going back to this, even with all her nice words about wanting to be together. She's emotionally cheating on her current boyfriend with you. You know the old saying "If she does it with you she'll do it to you. Think about that. Protect yourself.

Girlfriend 2: If she's as nice as you say, do her a favour and cut contact with girlfriend 1 and give your relationship time to breathe. Then you'll have space for the both of you to work your relationship. She deserves better than you and girlfriend 1 trying to sabotage things behind her back.

I can already tell that girlfriend 1 is sugary, sweet and all things nice. But really, there's more going on under the surface and I think you know that deep down.

Dtp1979

Girlfriend 1 has a great body, So what? She also is a serial cheater, liar and has no sense of loyalty. I mean like, calling an ex boyfriend from her current boyfriends bedroom telling the ex (you) that you’re all she wants. Classy.

Girlfriend 2 I feel sorry for. You can put girlfriend 1 out of your head and cut all contact all you want, but we both know that you’ll secretly long for her and one day in the future you’ll bump into her and…..

Goodigal

Hi OP. It sounds like you and GF1 were friends with benefits and not actually a real couple for those years. You didn't do the couple things like holidays or dates. And the blurry lines of that have led to much confusion. And yes you helped that girl when she needed help. But she also hurt you by seeing other guys and telling you about it. But if the lines were not clearly defined, it happens. GF2 now sounds like a good relationship but with a lot less drama. But maybe for you, not quite the connection and excitement of GF1.

It's kinda cruel of GF1 to let you know she's not happy when you're in a relationship. She knows she could pull you back into her circle again. It's entirely up to you to decide how much you want to move things along with your current GF. It's ok to dream of ex partners (even if they really were just a FWB) but don't let it impact your current relationship. Don't string your GF along if you don't really have long term plans with her. I wish you the best with your decisions.

Mothballs

Yurt! wrote: »

Girlfriend 1: Attachment trauma most likely (do a search on it). People pleasing, lack of firm identity, lack of boundaries and prone to developing co-dependent relationships with disorganized and unpredictable attachment . Not at all untypical in people who have had childhood trauma.

You can't do the fixing here. She has to do it herself (like dealing with someone with substance abuse issues really) - you can be of support, but she needs to go to the well herself and work through those issues. You represent safety for her in the fixer / enabler role (your role in the codependent set-up), but those are exclusively her needs and you've seen your boundaries consistently violated with the cheating/infidelity. Nothing will likely change unless she goes and does the work to solve her childhood issues. I'm sorry to say that you're probably setting yourself up for hurt going back to this, even with all her nice words about wanting to be together. She's emotionally cheating on her current boyfriend with you. You know the old saying "If she does it with you she'll do it to you. Think about that. Protect yourself.

Girlfriend 2: If she's as nice as you say, do her a favour and cut contact with girlfriend 1 and give your relationship time to breathe. Then you'll have space for the both of you to work your relationship. She deserves better than you and girlfriend 1 trying to sabotage things behind her back.

I can already tell that girlfriend 1 is sugary, sweet and all things nice. But really, there's more going on under the surface and I think you know that deep down.

Hi Yurt,

Thanks for the reply.
Just to be clear. "Girlfriend 1" and I haven't spoken or had contact in about 2 years.. I don't see us going back together. I don't think I would want to.
I do think you are correct about me being the safety for her.
With regards to "Girlfriend 2", she doesn't know anything is wrong for us to work on in our relationship.

Mothballs

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Girlfriend 1 has a great body, So what? She also is a serial cheater, liar and has no sense of loyalty. I mean like, calling an ex boyfriend from her current boyfriends bedroom telling the ex (you) that you’re all she wants. Classy.

Girlfriend 2 I feel sorry for. You can put girlfriend 1 out of her head and cut all contact all you want, but we both know that you’ll secretly long for her and one day in the future you’ll bump into her and…..

Hi Dtp1979,
I suppose I was just trying to highlight that it was a very physical thing for me. When I think about her. It's her body I think of. Not her personality. Although I do miss her...and the connection we had.
She definitely did wrong, I don't disagree, but so did I. If I had treated her the way she should have been treated, things would have been much different.
To be fair, I think it's unlikely that we would run into each other , different counties, different circles of friends, I don't drink/go to the pub so no moments of weakness. I'd never cheat on anyone (although I'm sure by my current internal conflictions, do count as cheating).

Dtp1979

Mothballs wrote: »

Hi Dtp1979,
I suppose I was just trying to highlight that it was a very physical thing for me. When I think about her. It's her body I think of. Not her personality. Although I do miss her...and the connection we had.
She definitely did wrong, I don't disagree, but so did I. If I had treated her the way she should have been treated, things would have been much different.
To be fair, I think it's unlikely that we would run into each other , different counties, different circles of friends, I don't drink/go to the pub so no moments of weakness. I'd never cheat on anyone (although I'm sure by my current internal conflictions, do count as cheating).

You can hardly call it physical when you describe her as your soulmate!

bitofabind

How would things be different if you had treated her differently? This is an easy thing to tell yourself to avoid seeing the situation for what it was. A FWB. There was no commitment, no respect, no boundaries. There was just drama, uncertainty, flightiness, manipulation from her and the ego boost you got from feeling like you were helping this damsel in distress. You fancied her, she was your first so you’ve romanticised all of this and somehow equated it with love, lust, infatuation, true romance. The reality is it’s just toxic, and unsustainable to build a true partnership with this type of person.

I’m not surprised you’re a bit bored with your current girlfriend, who brings safety and commitment and future planning to the table. I’m not saying she’s the right woman for you, or that you’re right for her, but she is the healthy choice. Love and long-term commitment is about growing up and prioritising peace and safety over the rollercoaster ride of the unstable people you might have met in the past.

Listen, you’re 30. You’re young but moving into a new stage of adulthood. My 20s were full of dramatic is-he-isn’t-he relationships and explosive flings and affairs and all that stuff. I got to the stage a few years ago where I just wanted a bit of peace and quiet. I just wanted to like myself and to go on this journey with someone that made me feel safe, secure, loved, cherished, all those good things. On reflection of my 20s, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I grew up and grew different priorities. It sounds like you’ve gone for the “good girl” but aren’t quite ready to let go of this idea that love is chaos.

My honest opinion is that neither of these women are for you. You need to spend a bit of time getting to know yourself and understanding what you want and need at this stage of your life before committing to anyone.

TheadoreT

90% of tha post is dedicated to a girl who treated you like dirt who've you someway managed to make excuses for her poor behaviour. We do this as it's difficult to accept them just not being that into us, so draw on things like childhood trauma or you not treating her perfectly ect to fool ourselves into thinking there's other reasons beyond the obvious for the way she treated you. She simply did not see you as a soul mate or anything even approaching that.
A lot of cheating victims fall into this trap and can carry this baggage for an huge portion of their lives if they're not fully honest with themselves and realise what's truly going on. A large part of your obsession came from the brains chemical reaction. When someone who's hot and cold like her gives you affection, all the anxiety is momentarily subsides and it can feel euphoric, this feeling can act like a drug where you crave constant hits of it if you don't get it under control. A non dysfunctional relationship won't offer you this as the girl youre with right now is respectful and consistent but you're still so ****ed up from the way the previous girl treated you that you find this almost boring.

I'd advise you to seek CBT to change your thought processes surrounding this as it's toxic right now and will eventually hurt what's probably a good thing you have with current woman.

YellowLead

I don’t think either of these women is the right match for you.
GF of the past sounds toxic and you have a romanticised view of her.
Current gf - I don’t think you would be fantasising about Ms Toxic if you were truly happy in your current relationship - I think it’s a symptom. Just because somebody is lovely and you care for them doesn’t mean you are compatible in the long term. She sounds like a good person so I don’t think it’s fair to hold on to her when you are pining, albeit with rose tinted glasses, for somebody else.

Mothballs

Dtp1979 wrote: »

You can hardly call it physical when you describe her as your soulmate!

Very true!

Mothballs

Goodigal wrote: »

Hi OP. It sounds like you and GF1 were friends with benefits and not actually a real couple for those years. You didn't do the couple things like holidays or dates. And the blurry lines of that have led to much confusion. And yes you helped that girl when she needed help. But she also hurt you by seeing other guys and telling you about it. But if the lines were not clearly defined, it happens. GF2 now sounds like a good relationship but with a lot less drama. But maybe for you, not quite the connection and excitement of GF1.

It's kinda cruel of GF1 to let you know she's not happy when you're in a relationship. She knows she could pull you back into her circle again. It's entirely up to you to decide how much you want to move things along with your current GF. It's ok to dream of ex partners (even if they really were just a FWB) but don't let it impact your current relationship. Don't string your GF along if you don't really have long term plans with her. I wish you the best with your decisions.

Hi Goodigal,
Thanks for the reply. I'm not overly experienced, so I don't know if it's fair to say we were friends with benefits. I feel we were so connected, it had to be more than that. But I don't disagree with you, it could 100% be FWB. Depending on when it suited "Girlfriend 1", she would say she was my girlfriend. Which I never argued. But also, I should say, that, during our time to together, she did bring up conversations about doing things together at the weekend, evenings, which I didn't move on (I have commitments at weekends - so I guess I didn't make the effort for her either - I know I'm not innocent or blame free for that relationships path.

I can't say that I am someone that looks for excitement....but with "Girlfriend 2" our connection is different. Is a connection different for every relationship you have with someone/different partner? Should the connection be different but the feeling the same? This is what I'm struggling with....How do you know?

Mothballs

bitofabind wrote: »

How would things be different if you had treated her differently? This is an easy thing to tell yourself to avoid seeing the situation for what it was. A FWB. There was no commitment, no respect, no boundaries. There was just drama, uncertainty, flightiness, manipulation from her and the ego boost you got from feeling like you were helping this damsel in distress. You fancied her, she was your first so you’ve romanticised all of this and somehow equated it with love, lust, infatuation, true romance. The reality is it’s just toxic, and unsustainable to build a true partnership with this type of person.

I’m not surprised you’re a bit bored with your current girlfriend, who brings safety and commitment and future planning to the table. I’m not saying she’s the right woman for you, or that you’re right for her, but she is the healthy choice. Love and long-term commitment is about growing up and prioritising peace and safety over the rollercoaster ride of the unstable people you might have met in the past.

Listen, you’re 30. You’re young but moving into a new stage of adulthood. My 20s were full of dramatic is-he-isn’t-he relationships and explosive flings and affairs and all that stuff. I got to the stage a few years ago where I just wanted a bit of peace and quiet. I just wanted to like myself and to go on this journey with someone that made me feel safe, secure, loved, cherished, all those good things. On reflection of my 20s, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I grew up and grew different priorities. It sounds like you’ve gone for the “good girl” but aren’t quite ready to let go of this idea that love is chaos.

My honest opinion is that neither of these women are for you. You need to spend a bit of time getting to know yourself and understanding what you want and need at this stage of your life before committing to anyone.

Hi bitofabind,
Thanks for your reply. Well I think that if I had given her the attention that she wanted/deserved (any relationship should be given attention), she wouldn't have cheated on me. It seems to be FWB now that a number of people have mentioned it.
How do you think she manipulated me? Telling me it was a mistake? That she wanted me? Maybe so. But I definitely didn't get any ego boost about helping her through her tough times. There was nothing good about that. I'm glad for her that she was in a better place.

This > You fancied her, she was your first so you’ve romanticised all of this and somehow equated it with love, lust, infatuation, true romance...

This is what I'm worried about. Is this all it was? Just...confusion..

I'm not bored with my current girlfriend. But you are right, she is "safe". But "Girlfriend 1" would have brought up children etc.

Mothballs

TheadoreT wrote: »

90% of tha post is dedicated to a girl who treated you like dirt who've you someway managed to make excuses for her poor behaviour. We do this as it's difficult to accept them just not being that into us, so draw on things like childhood trauma or you not treating her perfectly ect to fool ourselves into thinking there's other reasons beyond the obvious for the way she treated you. She simply did not see you as a soul mate or anything even approaching that.
A lot of cheating victims fall into this trap and can carry this baggage for an huge portion of their lives if they're not fully honest with themselves and realise what's truly going on. A large part of your obsession came from the brains chemical reaction. When someone who's hot and cold like her gives you affection, all the anxiety is momentarily subsides and it can feel euphoric, this feeling can act like a drug where you crave constant hits of it if you don't get it under control. A non dysfunctional relationship won't offer you this as the girl youre with right now is respectful and consistent but you're still so ****ed up from the way the previous girl treated you that you find this almost boring.

I'd advise you to seek CBT to change your thought processes surrounding this as it's toxic right now and will eventually hurt what's probably a good thing you have with current woman.

Hi TheadoreT,
Thanks for the reply. You make some very good points. I wouldn't say she wasn't into me. She had been single for a number of years before we met and I was the first she was interested in again (another story there, but not for this one!!).
What would CBT do for me?

Housefree

I don't think people with good mental health get walked on like that and then blame themselves. Hope you went to an STD clinic. Ghost your ex and break up with your current G/F. Work on yourself.

Mothballs

YellowLead wrote: »

I don’t think either of these women is the right match for you.
GF of the past toxic as f*** and you have a romanticised view of her.
Current gf - I don’t think you would be fantasising about Ms Toxic if you were truly happy in your current relationship- I think it’s a symptom. Just because somebody is lovely and you.l care for them doesn’t mean you are compatible in the long term. She sounds like a good person so I don’t think it’s fair to hold on to her when you are pining, albeit with rose tinted glasses, for somebody else.

Hi Yellow lead,
Thanks for the reply.
Yes, it seems that she wasn't the nicest person now everyone's points it out to me...
This is my concern. That my current girlfriend is really so nice and I couldn't ask for more from her. But if I'm on the fence about a future with her and we spent another couple of years together, then I didn't want anything. I don't want to ruin her life.
But if I really am happy with her, but benchmarking it against my relationship with "Girlfriend 1", which was obviously now toxic, I might never meet someone again that I could achieve the same happiness with... I'm..not lost. I don't know how to describe it.

Yurt2

Mothballs wrote: »

But if I really am happy with her, but benchmarking it against my relationship with "Girlfriend 1", which was obviously now toxic, I might never meet someone again that I could achieve the same happiness with... I'm..not lost. I don't know how to describe it.

Girlfriend 1 is an empty sugar rush. I don't want to be too harsh on her given her past, but she's something of a soul-snatcher moving from man to man to fill a void coming from childhood issues. It's sad, but I've seen friends consumed by women like this and left in a heap when it all goes wrong. The happiness you felt is artificial. It's cheaply given and easily taken away by her.

Pull the plug and build something better and adult with someone you share values with.

LegacyUser

Mothballs wrote: »

With regards to "Girlfriend 2", she doesn't know anything is wrong for us to work on in our relationship.

Hmm.. are you sure about that? You’d be surprised what the other person in the relationship can pick up on vibe wise.
Put yourself in GF2 shoes. How would you feel if she was dreaming of her ex’s hot body and having regrets and wondering what if etc. It’s hurtful.
Here’s the thing - we all have “what ifs” but we don’t all act on it.
You should deal mentally and emotionally with how your relationship with GF1 actually was rather than how it should or could of been.
She played you before and will play you again. Sounds like lust to me.

Relationships take work and if you aren’t in love or care about your GF, stop keeping her as an option and let her be with someone who actually cares and appreciates her.
Sounds like your lucky to have her in your life.

km991148

Your past should be in the past it's not.

You are making plans with your current girlfriend that you are not committed to. This is future faking and quite selfish.

You basically need to commit to it or end it and stop drifting along while you take the luxury of time to decide.
You probably won't like to hear this, but I don't think you have the capacity for any relationship as it stands.

km991148

I'd also consider seeking therapy to work on your issues.

Mothballs

Seaside girl3 wrote: »

Hmm.. are you sure about that? You’d be surprised what the other person in the relationship can pick up on vibe wise.
Put yourself in GF2 shoes. How would you feel if she was dreaming of her ex’s hot body and having regrets and wondering what if etc. It’s hurtful.
Here’s the thing - we all have “what ifs” but we don’t all act on it.
You should deal mentally and emotionally with how your relationship with GF1 actually was rather than how it should or could of been.
She played you before and will play you again. Sounds like lust to me.

Relationships take work and if you aren’t in love or care about your GF, stop keeping her as an option and let her be with someone who actually cares and appreciates her.
Sounds like your lucky to have her in your life.

Hi Seaside girl3,

Thanks for your reply.
Well she has never said anything or made any comments that made me think she did.
It is hurtful. I know, and I don't like being like this. I would never purposely hurt someone.
I have no interest or intention of rekindling anything with my ex. I can see now that she was bad for me. And has actually messed me up a bit.

I know it may sound stupid to ask this at 30 years of age...but what is love? How do you know you are in love/love someone? If my first girlfriend/ex wasn't love, and was lust as you and others suggest, I can't use it to benchmark .y relationship now. So how do I know? Are there any tell tale signs? I don't want to string anyone along or ruin anyone's life.... I do care and appreciate her. But is that love?

Mothballs

km991148 wrote: »

Your past should be in the past it's not.

You are making plans with your current girlfriend that you are not committed to. This is future faking and quite selfish.

You basically need to commit to it or end it and stop drifting along while you take the luxury of time to decide.
You probably won't like to hear this, but I don't think you have the capacity for any relationship as it stands.

Hi km991148,

Thanks for your reply.
To be fair about the future plans, I have said that although I want marriage and family, I don't see it for myself in the coming years, which is where my girlfriend does see it I think. Although she says she doesn't want it immediately either, but I think she is saying that to appease me. Even when I press her about it, she says not right now, later.

>>> I don't think you have the capacity for any relationship as it stands<<<
Why do you say this? I'm not disagreeing with you. I just want to try explore it... I think you may be right.

km991148

Mothballs wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.
To be fair about the future plans, I have said that although I want marriage and family, I don't see it for myself in the coming years, which is where my girlfriend does see it I think. Although she says she doesn't want it immediately either, but I think she is saying that to appease me. Even when I press her about it, she says not right now, later.

Well at least you have spoken about future plans. But you have the luxury of time here. Your statements are a bit woolly around 'I think she thinks x'.

If you are uncertain about getting married, why? And what does that do for your relationship?

Mothballs wrote: »

>>> I don't think you have the capacity for any relationship as it stands<<<
Why do you say this? I'm not disagreeing with you. I just want to try explore it... I think you may be right.

Again, this will sound harsh, but it's a possibility.
It seems you have a lot of doubt, coupled with a lot of thoughts about the past and a bit of entitlement. You are looking for answers for 'your' problems, and I don't get much sense of you looking at your relationship or even considering your partner in all of this.

You won't necessarily get what you need from these responses, and again you might not like that, but that seems the crux of the issue.. uncertainty about yourself, what you want from life etc. That is enough to indicate your not really able to do the relationship.

Mothballs

km991148 wrote: »

Well at least you have spoken about future plans. But you have the luxury of time here. Your statements are a bit woolly around 'I think she thinks x'.

If you are uncertain about getting married, why? And what does that do for your relationship?



Again, this will sound harsh, but it's a possibility.
It seems you have a lot of doubt, coupled with a lot of thoughts about the past and a bit of entitlement. You are looking for answers for 'your' problems, and I don't get much sense of you looking at your relationship or even considering your partner in all of this.

You won't necessarily get what you need from these responses, and again you might not like that, but that seems the crux of the issue.. uncertainty about yourself, what you want from life etc. That is enough to indicate your not really able to do the relationship.

How do I come across as entitled? Genuine question.

TheW1zard

Dump her tomorrow

Mothballs

TheW1zard wrote: »

Dump her tomorrow

Is that a serious comment?

TheW1zard

Mothballs wrote: »

Is that a serious comment?

100%

ILoveYourVibes

Mothballs wrote: »

Am I just wasting my current girlfriends time and ruining her life? Should I let her go to fulfil her dream with someone else?

Yes and Yes.

TheW1zard : Dump her tomorrow

Agreed.


Mothballs I am going to explain something. And maybe it will sound like a load of bollix. And maybe IT IS a load of bollix.

Some people are at a stage in life...where they like risks in their relationships. They have this urge that without risk there is no reward.

Also its NICE ....to be seduced ...its flattering ..also its NICE to be manipulated....yes i said it can feel nice to be manipulated even if you know its going on ....because its seduction ...manipulation sometimes takes the form of seduction. Even if it doesn't manipulation is sometimes flattering ...because it means they need a part of you.

A part of you is flattered by being manipulated by the ex gf or whatever she was to you.

In way its the ultimate form of flirting.

I don't know if your ex would have cheated if you gave her more attention. But i do know that she has gotten you THINKING that she wouldnt have cheated if you had given her more attention. And she has done this by seducing you. And you know this ..and I think you are flattered by it.

How do you think she manipulated me?

By seducing you ..by flirting with you.

Everyone manipulates everyone. Its not necessarily a bad thing or makes someone a bad person.

The thing is you dont really love the ex either ....if you did you would be dumbing the gf now ...and proposing a relationship to the ex.

And no ...no one is a bad person not the ex etc ...but it does seem she isn't ...well ..she isn't a happy person. And she won't be happy with you either. She has to find that in herself. I really hope she does ..i wish all of you the very best. I feel sorry for her tbh.

Your healthy gf now ....she will be fine.....but you need to break up with her and get your OWN head sorted and maybe some counseling about relationships for yourself.

Look up the term ' Trauma bonds' or 'Traumatic bonding'. It happens when someone develops a fixation or an obsession about someone who has abused them.

Trauma bonds can be as addictive as heroin. But a lot of this ....bond ..is in your head. As in the importance and drama of it...this 'bond'.

Skibunny77

Mothballs wrote: »

Hi Dtp1979,
I suppose I was just trying to highlight that it was a very physical thing for me. When I think about her. It's her body I think of. Not her personality. Although I do miss her...and the connection we had.

There are three pillars of a successful relationship, Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and commitment. Physical intimacy is chemistry & the spark - you have that in bucket loads with your ex. Commitment is loyalty and faithfulness, emotional intimacy is closeness, being able to talk about anything AND trust that this person would never willingly do something to hurt you, this is the 'they have got my back and I have got theirs 100%' feeling.. Consider the two relationships. If neither deliver all three, you have sold and are selling yourself and these women short.

km991148

Mothballs wrote: »

How do I come across as entitled? Genuine question.

You want all the benefits of the current relationship and don't seem to want to or be able to commit to it. I'm picking up that a future with marriage and kids is some abstract concept that you may or may not want to withdraw from. Dangling it like a big carrot. But maybe I'm reading too much between the lines here..

However, if there is a chance that I'm right, I think you need to have some serious discussions and possibly end this relationship as you are not being fair here.


Edit to add: I read again what you said about your current relationship. I don't see anything about how your gf feels or what you are bringing to the relationship. Just a little acknowledgement that she desires a future with children and you wondering if it's ok to continue wasting her time.


Given your previous dysfunctional relationship maybe it's time to end this and work on yourself a bit or work through these issues on your own or with a therapist.