Consumed by guilt and regret

davidhouse8

Hi. I am really struggling with a lot of guilt & regret over how my life has played out and the circumstances I've got myself (and even more so my girlfriend) into.

I am 35 and my girlfriend is 34. We have been together for 7 years. Three years ago we moved to Galway and brought a house. It's a five-bed not far from the city center. We bought this as we had always discussed having 3/4 children. When I was in my twenties/early thirties, I didn't have a strong desire for children but I just assumed that would change with time.

However, over the past year I've began to have a lot of doubts about having children. Spending a lot of time around my brothers children, I have just come to realize that it's not for me. My girlfriend really, really wants children and hasn't ever been ambiguous about that in the 7 years I've known her. She has stated it from our early hooking-up stage (we met at college doing a Masters together). I feel terrible. I've really thought it through now and I just feel like having children would be wrong. The thought of being a dad and having children to support etc makes me feel sick.

Our plan was to try for our first child this year (even worse is that she wanted to start trying a couple of years ago, but I said I needed more time due to promotions etc. at work). I've had countless sleepless nights over the past month, thinking how to tell her what I've decided. I feel like I have really wasted her time and am terrified of the messy break-up which is to come. I don't want to hurt her but I know she will be devastated and hate me. And I don't blame her - she was upfront and honest from the start and I have been quiet about my doubts in the hope they would subside with age.

I have vomited twice over the past week with the anxiety of having to tell her. I even think my own family/friends will massively judge me for wasting her time and jeopardizing her chance to have children. I'm afraid to even tell them. I feel so alone and this woman has been my life for the past 7 years - and she is going to hate me.

As we own the house together (and neither of us could buy each other out) I presume we'll have to sell that too when we split. This also fills me with dread as I know the break-up will be a long drawn out process. She will be devastated and her friends/family will no doubt hate me. I don't feel strong enough to get through such a time. I don't have many friends in Galway for support etc. Her Dad works in the same company as me too, so I will have to move company (which I would have to do anyway if I am to move back home to Tipperary).

I don't know what to do. I just know I can't in good conscience have a child when it just feels so wrong and I feel like I would be living a lie. But I'm struggling so much to find the strength to end this, given the pain and chaos it will cause. I feel really depressed about it and cannot focus at work or sleep.

Locker10a

Have you considered going to counseling to get to the root of why this particular issue causes you such extreme anxiety? I’m not suggesting you do this to change your mind but to find the root.

Yea it’s really messy, and there’ll be a lot to **** to deal with, no point sugar coating that.

bitofabind

Hi OP. First of all, I applaud you for all of the thought and consideration you've given this and for deciding to do the honourable thing at a critical time for your girlfriend. We women have a narrow window for this stuff and a lack of clarity is where some of us can miss out on so much through no fault of our own. You will be creating a lot of chaos and heartache for your OH, but it pales in comparison to the pain you'd cause by saying nothing and keeping her in the dark.

I don't think it's anyone's job to try to change your mind, but you should be prepared for when that happens. Parenthood can be considered a given in most parts of Ireland so deciding it's not for you is in itself a decision where you're going to face a lot of objection, persuasion and boundary violation. You owe no-one any answers on this except your gf and any family members / close friends you choose to confide in.

Priority number one, google counsellors / therapists in Galway and set up an appointment asap with a professional to talk openly about your feelings and anxieties. Nothing about the road ahead will be simple or straightforward, but decisions like this rarely are. You need support, both professionally and from those closest to you.

Second of all, take out a pen and paper and draw up a proactive plan. What happens when you have this conversation with your girlfriend and it comes to moving out? Where can you go and how long can you stay there? Where do you need to be in the medium to long term? Can you take some time off work to deal with the logistics?

And thirdly. How do these conversations go? With your girlfriend? With your family, with her Dad if it comes to it? What do you say? How do you answer uncomfortable questions? How do you maintain boundaries when people ask about things that aren't their business?

I wish you the best of luck. This is hard and painful, but we can do hard and painful things.

listermint

With all due respect. Not liking hanging around your brother's kids isn't any indicator that you don't like kids. You may just not like his kids. Many people dislike other people's kids intensely but like their own.


Can you elaborate a bit more on your thoughts around your own children in particular. Noting that looking after another small human its natural to have trepidation.

YellowLead

I think you really need to just do it ASAP for your own sake - once you get the initial conversation over with it will still be difficult dealing with the fall out but it will be much better than your current feelings of anxiety and stress over actually breaking it to her.

In fairness there was an incompatibility there from the start - she really really wanted kids and told you from the moment you met, and you just assumed you would in the future.

Did you have a lot of conversations about it over the years and did you pretend to really want kids too or were you honest about assuming you would in the future rather than having an innate desire? Not that blame is the name of the game here.

Yes it’s going to be really hard for her - but at the end of the day you only get one life and you BOTH will live a better one independently of each other if a compromise cannot be reached here, which is presumably the case. She can meet somebody else, it’s not necessarily going to be easy but it’s doable.

I second the counselling recommendation but also that you need to stop worrying about telling her and just get it over with so you can both start planning. If she loves you hopefully she will understand and in time forgive you. People break up, that’s life, you don’t owe anybody a relationship at the end of the day.

YellowLead

listermint wrote: »

With all due respect. Not liking hanging around your brother's kids isn't any indicator that you don't like kids. You may just not like his kids. Many people dislike other people's kids intensely but like their own.


Can you elaborate a bit more on your thoughts around your own children in particular. Nothing that looking after another small human its natural to have trepidation.

This is so true. No way would I want kids if my sisters had been the only example I saw!

Also - just so you know there is a ‘child free by choice’ forum on boards that you might see some helpful posts in, a community of like minded souls.

davidhouse8

Thanks everyone. I suppose the main reason I don't want children is simply a gut instinct - I just feel strongly that it would be a huge mistake. There is just no desire there, and I would be doing so to please my girlfriend.

The more conscious reasons are that I have a couple of phobias, however unlikely they are to happen, they terrify me. I also don't think the 2nd one is really that far fetched, as our relationship isn't perfect (although I don't have a bad word to say about her.). The first one also would be so difficult for our relationship, that I feel it could even result in the 2nd one.

1. Having a severely handicapped/severely autistic child.
2. The relationship breaking down after having children. Causing me to leave the family home and still pay the mortgage & child support, while not seeing the children as regularly.

These are compounded by the fact that it all just feels wrong to me. I just know I'll regret it if we were to have children, and I HATE myself for not really facing up to this earlier in the relationship. I feel like an asshole.

mohawk

davidhouse8 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I suppose the main reason I don't want children is simply a gut instinct - I just feel strongly that it would be a huge mistake. There is just no desire there, and I would be doing so to please my girlfriend.

The more conscious reasons are that I have a couple of phobias, however unlikely they are to happen, they terrify me. I also don't think the 2nd one is really that far fetched, as our relationship isn't perfect (although I don't have a bad word to say about her.). The first one also would be so difficult for our relationship, that I feel it could even result in the 2nd one.

1. Having a severely handicapped/severely autistic child.
2. The relationship breaking down after having children. Causing me to leave the family home and still pay the mortgage & child support, while not seeing the children as regularly.

These are compounded by the fact that it all just feels wrong to me. I just know I'll regret it if we were to have children, and I HATE myself for not really facing up to this earlier in the relationship. I feel like an asshole.

Having read your post have you considered talking to someone to help you manage your fears/phobias. This is causing serious stress.
1. Severe Disability that you described is not common. Unless you have a family history of it.
Mild difficulties are much more common and honestly aren’t the end of the world (mother of a very happy, clever autistic boy here).
2. None of us know if he future and you have already made a massive commitment in terms of a house. I can honestly say that when I got pregnant with my son I already felt that we weren’t going to last. I am pregnant with my second child with a man I adore. Neither of us are perfect but we are good for each other and good to each other. So yes you shouldn’t have a baby with someone when the relationship is rocky. You guys have been together a long time. Look at the rough patches and how did you get through them as a couple. Think about how you treat each other and how you fight. All those things will indicate if you guys will last the distance.

I always say if you really don’t want children then definitely don’t have them. However, given the anxiety your going through I think perhaps take a little time to explore the underlying reasons first.

YellowLead

I think your second post is very telling OP. You are absolutely right not to press on with having children when there is doubt as to the future of the relationship. It sounds like this one might have run it’s course in addition to the incompatibility over wanting children.

whomadewho

davidhouse8 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I suppose the main reason I don't want children is simply a gut instinct - I just feel strongly that it would be a huge mistake. There is just no desire there, and I would be doing so to please my girlfriend.

The more conscious reasons are that I have a couple of phobias, however unlikely they are to happen, they terrify me. I also don't think the 2nd one is really that far fetched, as our relationship isn't perfect (although I don't have a bad word to say about her.). The first one also would be so difficult for our relationship, that I feel it could even result in the 2nd one.

1. Having a severely handicapped/severely autistic child.
2. The relationship breaking down after having children. Causing me to leave the family home and still pay the mortgage & child support, while not seeing the children as regularly.

These are compounded by the fact that it all just feels wrong to me. I just know I'll regret it if we were to have children, and I HATE myself for not really facing up to this earlier in the relationship. I feel like an asshole.

I'm in the same boat Op, in a LTR relationship but partner said she didn't want kids but then she had a change of mind as I did want them. We have been trying for a few years with no luck but now I'm having doubts. I'm a good bit older than you and I feel I'm just too old to be having them now. Once I passed that age the desire has just gone. I have voiced my concerns to my partner but she is tunnelled visioned now and talked me around.
If your gut says it is not right, something is not right, so you should always go with your gut as they say.

MissShihTzu

davidhouse8 wrote: »

1. Having a severely handicapped/severely autistic child.
2. The relationship breaking down after having children. Causing me to leave the family home and still pay the mortgage & child support, while not seeing the children as regularly.

These are compounded by the fact that it all just feels wrong to me. I just know I'll regret it if we were to have children, and I HATE myself for not really facing up to this earlier in the relationship. I feel like an asshole.

This was the bit that stood out to me OP. What makes you think you might have a special needs child? Is there a history in either family??
And look - relationships break up all the time. With or without children. If you decide to break up? In your case, it's gonna be messy and complicated by the fact you own property together, ANYWAY. Believe me - I've been there and it's not nice. It's going to be costly to you both in terms of emotions AND financially. And it will take time - anything up to a year and beyond, even if you can agree to sell and find a buyer for the house. Anything could happen in that time to upset the applecart.

IMO? I don't think you want children - not with this lady anyway. And there's no shame in admitting that. Kids aren't for everybody. Others on here have suggested counselling. I'm adding my voice to that, and strongly advise you to get 2 things. 1. Counselling for yourself. 2. Financial and legal advice - get your ducks in a row if a break-up's the way you're going. Protect yourself and protect your money.

It's going to work out - Good luck!

shesty

I don't think I can advise on the children part, but one thing here OP - I DO think you need counselling fairly quickly. If one of your major fears is the relationship potentially breaking down and you having to pay maintenance etc, but in fearing that, you are causing the relationship to break down and leave you financially disadvantaged through the house situation, I think you should be sitting down and asking yourself what the real problem is here. Is it that you don't want kids, you don't want kids with this lady, you don't want to be with this lady, you want something else from your life....what is it? Something isn't right here and I don't think it's just the idea of having kids, although that might be a catalyst.

Ann84

Based on your posts - I honestly think this is a case of “cold feet” - please please please go and talk to a professional before pulling the trigger on your relationship…. I relate a lot to some of your posts personally!

You are really focused on the negatives around having kids and you are blocking out the negatives of ending your relationship.
You describe the steps of ending your relationship and skipping back to Tipperary in a very pragmatic non-emotional way whereas you describe having kids with lots of negative emotions… fear, anxiety, guilt etc.
As others have said - looking at other peoples kids is not a good judge of how you will feel about your own. I’m not trying to talk you into kids here but a lot of what you describe, many people feel including me - it took 4 years for me to agree to start trying with my partner - they really wanted one and I would have said everything you said and more… money, stress, life constraints etc - we fought a lot, it created a wedge that impacted everything and it really put us under strain. We were hitting breakup territory, I discussed it with a therapist and they highlighted that I was letting my fears wipe out any potential positives, I couldn’t say one good thing about having a baby with my partner - not one! and they made me explore it - they made me think about my life in a positive way with my partner and a baby vs my life on my own, without my partner and a child… it took a lot of consideration but came to the conclusion that having a child with my partner would make me happier than losing my partner and starting again on my own.
I’m due our little boy in 3 weeks and am very excited to meet him now (I’ve had my wobbles for sure!)… I absolutely get pangs of “what the f are we doing” but honestly seeing how happy my partner is gets me through the anxiety and I know I’m gonna love this little guy when he gets here….
Looking back it’s hard to believe I nearly threw away my marriage to someone I love out of sheer terror that I had created in my head over what ifs that are uncontrollable and unlikely (like you fear of disability, relationship breakdown etc - I had them all!)

You are fully within your rights to decide to not want kids and bail… but I just hope that you don’t wake up back home in Tipperary in 6 months time after blowing up your life and wondering what the hell you did when it’s too late to take it back.
Please please talk to a professional and make sure that you are making this decision for the right reason and not driven by fear and anxiety.

Best of luck to you!

Rubberchikken

I agree with others, talk with a professional before any decisions are made.
You are definitely not alone in worrying about having a child with special needs. I'm not being smart but I'd say vertically every would be parent has that enter their minds.
Also the effect a child/children would have on a relationship/marriage.
They so change both the parents and the relationship dynamic to some extent and, yes, in some cases a lot.

But talking things through might help with any decision you and your partner need to make

Good luck

wildwillow

Your fear of having a child with special needs is something everyone faces. Many cope with the reality and make a happy family. Many split up and create two poorer households, financially and emotionally.

Unfortunately, having a child with special needs means fighting for their care, health and education every step of the way.

If you have any doubts, then not having a child is the safest way forward. Give your partner time to have a relationship where children are a consideration.

Your fears are probably colouring your judgement but you know your own mind and shouldn't have to apologise to anyone, except for not being honest with your partner.

Houses can be sold and you can easily disentangle the relationship now, have a child and it becomes a lifetime responsibility.

leggo

OP not much to add, I just want to state that I feel it’s really unfair when someone comes on here and says they don’t want children and are bombarded with people telling them to think about it...as if you haven’t outlined how arduous a process you’ve had thinking about absolutely every aspect and coming to the same conclusion.

Your decision is valid and I feel you’ve more than justified that your stance is well thought through, and for the record I’m someone who absolutely wants children one day. So please don’t be made to doubt yourself further just because some people can’t wrap their head around someone not wanting children.

Dog day

Hi OP, just to say I think you’re being very hard on yourself. It’s far more responsible to acknowledge the fact you don’t want children than to push ahead with such a massive decision for the wrong reasons. I think YellowLeads comments have been particularly insightful here.

Don’t however underestimate the pain of breaking up with your girlfriend, there are tough times ahead for both of you so I would absolutely echo the advice of talking through how you’re feeling with a counsellor. Also, hard as it may be, try not to stress about other people’s reactions if the relationship does have to end, at the end of the day this is about you & your partner & future happiness & fulfilment for you both & it’s ultimately nobody else’s business. Wishing you both the very best of luck.

TheadoreT

I got the sense from your post its much more than the kids that's the root to this issue. You don't speak of any great love for your other half, or fear of losing her or not being able to live without her. You've already fantasised about your escape to Tipperary. Most of the concern is centered around the fallout (both sides) and your repulational damage.

You say you'd feel you'd be living a lie if you proceeded with having kids but then give some fairly irrational fears why you don't want them. Living a lie suggests a bit of emotional detachment from children yet the fears suggest someone who cares too much. Or are you living a lie about something else?

I think it would be a bit insulting to this woman if you don't be truthful about the real reasons behind this decision than to tell some disingenuous excuses which would be horribly confusing for her, no sort of closure and make moving on all the more difficult.

Hoboo

"The messy breakup that is to come.."

You sound like you've resigned yourself to that already, is that what you really want? If she said no problem, we have each other, what would you honestly do?

From your post and tone you sound worried about what others think about you, what she thinks about you, you've wasted her life. What will you do with the house, what will you do for a job, nothing about her. Nothing about the fact you're about to lose the love of your life, and if that's not your greatest concern then I think a chat about not being in love with her rather than not having kids would be better.

LegacyUser

Hi, unless you have deliberately edited the details, you post could easily identify you so you might want to be conscious of that. The last thing you want is someone bringing it to her attention.

With every difficult decision in life it's usually best to consider it on the basis of "is it the right thing to do".

In this instance, breaking up with her is the right thing to do for a number of reasons:-

1. Your life goals are not compatible
2. Better to do it while she is young enough to meet someone else
3. You should never being an unwanted child into the world - it can really mess people up late in life we they know they weren't wanted
4. It's better now than a divorce when children are involved
5. Fear, regret, guilt and embarrassment should never be the driving reason not to do something

If you know and it sounds like you do, then break up, deal with the fall out, allow her to move on and be kind to yourself too.

She may not appreciate it now but she will realise in time that it's for the best.

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that we didn't mean to get ourselves into or that we don't realise how we got there....the only thing worse than being in them is prolonging them unnecessarily.

One final thing....clean break, no break up sex, drunken voice messages, stringing it out, u turns unless something fundamental has changed. Do the decent thing and minimise the hurt.

qwerty13

‘Random poster’ put it far better than I could have. Excellent post.

On the alleged irrational fears - I very definitely do not want kids, and some of the fears that you’ve expressed resonate with me. My own thoughts on that are that I could barely (but probably not) cope with having a kid anyway - but if the situation were further complicated by extra physical or developmental needs, I could not see myself being able to cope with that scenario. I’ve read enough here to know that some people may see that as overly dramatic, or thinking of a relatively unlikely outcome - but I personally would have to put my hand up and say that I couldn’t cope with that. For me, that’s an additional valid reason not to bring a kid into this world: if I couldn’t be properly there for them, well then what the hell would I be doing bringing a kid into this world.

I know that’s no help re your original question, but I just wanted to let you know that your views are completely valid to me.

OP,

I would encourage you to seek professional help with a counsellor / psychotherapist to discuss all of this before you detonate a bomb under your relationship which you could end up seriously regretting down the road.

It seems to me from your posts that all this anxiety you're having could be clouding your judgement.

Describing your fears as so severe that they are phobias, even the title of the thread that you are "consumed" by guilt and regret, and vomiting due to anxiety, makes me believe there is more going on here.

Best of luck.

ILoveYourVibes

You have to leave her.
Don't kid yourself it will work with you not wanting kids. It won't.

If you tell her she is going to leave you. You have to accept that.

People won't hate you if you do it fairly. Sort out the house fairly. Be honorable.

As we own the house together (and neither of us could buy each other out) I presume we'll have to sell that too when we split

I don't know you could rent it out or something.

and she is going to hate me.

She won't hate you. ..You are not a bad person. But you have to do the right thing now.

OP, you are consumed by guilt and regret because you have a lot to genuinely be guilty and regretful of. Only by confronting this will you be able to "get over it".

You have been together seven years, bought a large house and all along at least humored if not encouraged a belief that there would be three or four kids (to fill that 5 bed house).

Even if you decided to have kids now the pregnancies would be considered geriatric ones. Fertility falls off the cliff from 35. A woman having four successful pregnancies after the age of 35 is incredibly unlikely unless IVF and such is involved, and that is by no means a guarantee, no to mention prohibitively expensive for many. So that dream with you is dead because you strung her along about "promotions" and such.

If you break up now she will be lucky to meet someone and be in a serious relationship in time to have multiple children, the clock is already against her.

People will hate you, because, I'm afraid, you are the bad guy here. Any animosity she or her friends, family or whatever have towards you will not be unjustified. But that is not to say breaking up would be the wrong thing to do, because to string her along longer would be even worse. But you need to look at why.

Your "fears" are fairly illogical. Firstly, you have increased the likelihood of a disabled child by waiting so long, but in any case, this is not really a likely outcome (depending on family history). You second fear is a messy break up. As it stands now you will break up, have to leave your house and will lose your job. How much more messy can it get? Are you under the illusion that there is no chance, in the absence of kids, that you will have to pay anything? What if your partner does not want to sell the house? What is her financial situation? This could easily end up a mess in court. So on your current trajectory you will guarantee your second phobia on the small chance that your first phobia could happen? That doesn't make sense.

So what do you actually want? If you love your partner and want to spend the rest of your life with them, then man up, honour your promises and commitments and try to have children as a condition to protect what you really want - to be with your partner and for your partner to be happy. Kids is a non negotiable condition that she has been clear about from day 1 and has already delayed for you.

If the "burden" of children outweighs your desire to be with your partner, or if you really deep down don't want to be with your partner, then by all means break up with her and blow up both your lives. But if the real reason is that you just do not want kids and the two reasons you give are just a manifestation or justification of a more deep seated horror at having kids, which deep down you knew all along, then I am afraid you are the bad guy here. Break up with her ASAP so she may still have some chance of having a child. If the two reasons you give are really the core of your objection to having kids then talk to her about them and work to overcoming your fears.

_Kaiser_

Vincenzo Easy Spareribs wrote: »

OP, you are consumed by guilt and regret because you have a lot to genuinely be guilty and regretful of. Only by confronting this will you be able to "get over it".

You have been together seven years, bought a large house and all along at least humored if not encouraged a belief that there would be three or four kids (to fill that 5 bed house).

Even if you decided to have kids now the pregnancies would be considered geriatric ones. Fertility falls off the cliff from 35. A woman having four successful pregnancies after the age of 35 is incredibly unlikely unless IVF and such is involved, and that is by no means a guarantee, no to mention prohibitively expensive for many. So that dream with you is dead because you strung her along about "promotions" and such.

If you break up now she will be lucky to meet someone and be in a serious relationship in time to have multiple children, the clock is already against her.

People will hate you, because, I'm afraid, you are the bad guy here. Any animosity she or her friends, family or whatever have towards you will not be unjustified. But that is not to say breaking up would be the wrong thing to do, because to string her along longer would be even worse. But you need to look at why.

Your "fears" are fairly illogical. Firstly, you have increased the likelihood of a disabled child by waiting so long, but in any case, this is not really a likely outcome (depending on family history). You second fear is a messy break up. As it stands now you will break up, have to leave your house and will lose your job. How much more messy can it get? Are you under the illusion that there is no chance, in the absence of kids, that you will have to pay anything? What if your partner does not want to sell the house? What is her financial situation? This could easily end up a mess in court. So on your current trajectory you will guarantee your second phobia on the small chance that your first phobia could happen? That doesn't make sense.

So what do you actually want? If you love your partner and want to spend the rest of your life with them, then man up, honour your promises and commitments and try to have children as a condition to protect what you really want - to be with your partner and for your partner to be happy. Kids is a non negotiable condition that she has been clear about from day 1 and has already delayed for you.

If the "burden" of children outweighs your desire to be with your partner, or if you really deep down don't want to be with your partner, then by all means break up with her and blow up both your lives. But if the real reason is that you just do not want kids and the two reasons you give are just a manifestation or justification of a more deep seated horror at having kids, which deep down you knew all along, then I am afraid you are the bad guy here. Break up with her ASAP so she may still have some chance of having a child. If the two reasons you give are really the core of your objection to having kids then talk to her about them and work to overcoming your fears.

What a horrible, arrogant and dismissive post!

The OP is well aware of the consequences of his (potential) decision and the impact it'll have, and he already clearly feels bad enough without having to read stuff like this.

As someone posted above, the attitude that people who've decided that kids just aren't for them get from others is ridiculous and illustrated perfectly by the above. Would you prefer that he just has kids with this girl that he doesn't really want, and have them grow up being resented by their father?

The way you casually dismiss his fears is something else! Would you be saying something similar ("woman up!") if the OP was a woman whose boyfriend was pushing her to get pregnant but she wasn't sure? Of course not, but for some reason it's perfectly "fine" to have a go at the guy?

As bad as the fallout likely will be, better he knows this about himself now than before he's married to her and they have had a child together.

I'll say something else too. I don't think most guys have kids in their plans when they are growing up or in their 20s. More likely what happens is he meets a girl, falls in love, and then the societal expectation that kids must follow starts weighing on her (influenced no doubt by fear-mongering around the "limited window" she has per your paragraph above), and he/they either go along and hope it works out, or he loses her, and in this case his home if it doesn't.

I really am annoyed reading the above response to a guy who is literally worried sick about what this will mean for his partner, their relationship, and the practical issues that will very quickly need to be sorted if they do split up.

Jequ0n

OP, don’t feel bad just because life didn’t pan out the way it did, when you were expecting things to be different. If you have realised now that this is not the route for you and her than so be it.

There are a few angry and disgruntled posters on this thread who are keen to tear you down, so maybe take some responses with a pinch of salt. It’s kind of sad that it’s deemed acceptable to tread on your while you are already down, but I guess that is impartial and objective “advice”.

john123470

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I don't think a man should get a pat on the back for finally deciding to be honest after wasting someone's fertile years. I think he absolutely should feel guilty and deal with the anger and people hating him. I feel like he almost wants us to tell him it's fine, but it isn't fine.

He's basically ruined this woman's life. Yes, she will hate him. Yes, her friends will hate him. Yes, her dad will hate him. These are the consequences of stringing someone along that he will have to live with now. He doesn't get to go 'whoopsy my bad!' and pull the rug out from under someone and still be Mr Popular. Funny how his main focus seems to be what other people will think of him...perhaps he should have focused earlier on his actual partner and whether or not he could keep his word? As bad as it might be for him, it's far, far worse for her, and she didn't do anything to deserve

I really don't believe the Op "has ruined his g/friend's life" / and that "she will hate him " (!)

He has been with his lady for 7 years. People, relationships evolve - for better for worse

He says : -
".. When I was in my twenties/early thirties, I didn't have a strong desire for children but I just assumed that would change with time.

However, over the past year I've began to have a lot of doubts about having children .."

That seems fair enough to me. Perhaps he dawdled a bit .. but we know that over the past year,' he's having doubts etc ..

Why should he be afraid to voice these doubts ..
Because he fears he will get shot down as some have done here ?

The Op is not entirely to blame here. Life, love, time is. And the Op, and his lady ..lols

If i were the Op, I would sit down with my lady for a heart to heart. That is where it starts

If this girl 'loves' you, then she will listen and respect where you currently stand on having children .. (however grudgingly)

If she doesn't and you find yourself shunned by all and sundry, then you were not exactly surrounded by 'love' anyway

JPup

I think that is the nub of it. If they have a conversation and she suddenly says I’m happy to leave kids and it just be us two, would OP actually be happy with that outcome or does he just want the relationship to end at this point?

I think you need to be really clear on that point in your own mind OP. Imagine you go through a messy breakup and then a couple of years later she finds you’ve settled down with someone else with a baby on the way. Talk about salt in the wound. Are you 100% sure this is about the prospect of kids and not how you feel about your partner?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, please offer advice to an OP when replying to threads in PI/RI. If you have no advice to offer the OP, please move to a different thread. That said as the OP hasn't been back for almost a month, I'll close it there.

OP, if you want it reopened for further advice just let one of the Mod Team know and we can do it for you.

Thanks all.

HS