Got a girl pregnant

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm 22 and I'm 110% gay. A few months ago I had sex with a woman (friend when we were both studying in Belfast) to experiment. Obviosuly it didn't feel normal but I'm ashamed to say I did get some pleasure out of it. She was very clearly attracted to me and wanted to continue a relationship. When I told her the truth I felt quite bad as she was very beautiful, intelligent and decent.

I since moved back to Dublin and she moved back to Donegal. She called me a few days ago to say she is 6 months pregnant with a girl and wants me to play a role in the child's life. This came as a huge shock to me due to my sexual orientation and I view the child as illegitimate as a result and don't want anything to do with it. At the same time there is a part of me which wants to be involved in the life of what could be the only child I ever have. This is really causing me me great mental strain. Any advice would be appreciated.

1hnr79jr65

How can you be certain you are the father of the child ? 1 time having sex is no guarantee of you getting your friend pregnant, i know i may get flak for saying this, however it would be prudent to ask for a paternity test before accepting responsibility for a child that may or may not be yours, especially as you have not been together in months.

As for the pleasure part, just because you are gay does not mean you can't get pleasure from the act.

Get a paternity test. Do NOT sign any birth certificates or the like until you are sure it's yours.

Rubberchikken

You need to talk with this girl and agree on a paternity test. It's the fairest way.
If the child is yours then being part of it's life is something you and her need to discuss.

Good luck

If the child is yours (easy to find out), then you need to man up and take responsibility for her.
After all you were eager and willing to have sex with the girl, now take responsibility for your actions and support her and your child (assuming she's yours)

YellowLead

If it is proved that you are the father then will will have to financially support the child until 18/finished third level.

There is no need to rush into a decision overnight as to how involved you want to be/not to be - but if you make the decision to be part of the child’s life then it can’t fairly be reneged upon. And co parenting from the start rather then being together and splitting is an opportunity to work things out without the child getting too caught up in the middle.

Could you confide in your parents or some people you are close to (once paternity test taken) and just talk it out?

touts

Have a paternity test.

If you aren't the father no problem

If you are the father then it's time to man up and accept your responsibilities in life. You don't have stop being gay. You dont have to marry the mother. But you DO have to be a father. Pay your fair share and play a part in the life of your daughter. It is the absolute least the little child deserves. And who knows you may find you grow to love her.

banie01

You say you had sex a few months ago, she says she's 6 months pregnant?
Do the 6 months and your few months align? Are the dates likely to align in a way that you are the father?

If they are, get a paternity test and if it's positive, deal with the mother and your child with respect at the very least.
Be as involved or uninvolved as you like, but as a father you have at the very least a fiduciary responsibility to your child.

One more thing, FFS don't go calling the child , any child illegimate!
Be it due to your sexuality, or outside of wedlock a child is a child and labelling one as illegitimate is IMO fúcking hateful.

The DayDream

Why (if the child is yours) do you think you being gay means you can just declare the child illegitimate and have nothing to do with it? That's reprehensible IMO. You weren't being gay on the night in question.

You want to live a care free child free life as a single gay man? Cool. Then don't have unprotected sex with women.

I have a family member who got pregnant from a one night stand and the guy fled to another country. The wee girl has suffered a lot of emotional damage as a result, all her friends at school have Dads and she doesn't, etc.

You can't just gay away your your irresponsible behavior, bro. It doesn't work like that.

LegacyUser

It is almost 100% my child - the timeline adds up and I asked not to wear a condom as I wanted it to be as realistic as possible given it was the only time I intended to have sex with a woman. She was very hesitant but reluctantly agreed. Stupid I know, I will regret this for the rest of my life. My sexual orientation in my view precludes me from being a father to a child which shouldn't have been conceived as a result of a hetero adventure. Having the responsibility of parenthood isn't something I ever wanted. I don't even want to have a long-term relationship with the same sex. I'm happy living a solitary and largely sex-free life. Now I face travelling for 3 hours to Donegal to involve myself with a child that should not have been fathered by me. I just don't know where to go from here.

Tell me how

indespair22 wrote: »

Hi,

I'm 22 and I'm 110% gay. A few months ago I had sex with a woman (friend when we were both studying in Belfast) to experiment. Obviosuly it didn't feel normal but I'm ashamed to say I did get some pleasure out of it. She was very clearly attracted to me and wanted to continue a relationship. When I told her the truth I felt quite bad as she was very beautiful, intelligent and decent.

I since moved back to Dublin and she moved back to Donegal. She called me a few days ago to say she is 6 months pregnant with a girl and wants me to play a role in the child's life. This came as a huge shock to me due to my sexual orientation and I view the child as illegitimate as a result and don't want anything to do with it. At the same time there is a part of me which wants to be involved in the life of what could be the only child I ever have. This is really causing me me great mental strain. Any advice would be appreciated.

Come on man.
Firstly, your sexual orientation shouldn't absolve you from knowing what may happen when having sex.

Secondly, imagine for a second the child as a young adult trying to understand their sense of who they are and how they would feel if they were able to read this sentence from their possible father.

Others have given you sensible advice, mine is to not demean a fellow human because of something they had no control over. No matter the situation.

You're gay, not your sperm. I'm hoping it's shock that led you to this conclusion that the baby is illegitimate.

Goodigal

She was hesitant about having unprotected sex, and now she's going to be a mother and her life has changed forever?!! Think of it from her point of view. Your selfish actions have created a child. You're going to be a father regardless of how you want to play it. Man up and accept responsibility for your desire to try hetero sex. It's the poor girl I feel sorry for. I'm sure she had life plans too that are going to be put on hold for some time.

LMHC

For a start you need to stop speaking like this child has done wrong, Illegitimate, shouldn't of been fathered by me, mistake. That child is innocent.

Just cause you wanted your cake and to eat it, you take responsibility if this child is yours. You care for the mother and the child. There is no in between.

Tzardine

Op - you need to get a grip. What is done is done. You need to accept the reality of the situation.

You have a kid on the way. You need to man up and take ownership of your responsibilities. Otherwise you be just be a loser absentee father. Not supporting the mother will make you a scumbag.

You come across as incredibly immature.

Might sound harsh, but I don't care.

Vaccinated30

You are gay. This is irrelevant.
Get a DNA test.
No child is illegitimate, you are disgusting.

Vaccinated30

Indespair22 wrote: »

It is almost 100% my child - the timeline adds up and I asked not to wear a condom as I wanted it to be as realistic as possible given it was the only time I intended to have sex with a woman. She was very hesitant but reluctantly agreed. Stupid I know, I will regret this for the rest of my life. My sexual orientation in my view precludes me from being a father to a child which shouldn't have been conceived as a result of a hetero adventure. Having the responsibility of parenthood isn't something I ever wanted. I don't even want to have a long-term relationship with the same sex. I'm happy living a solitary and largely sex-free life. Now I face travelling for 3 hours to Donegal to involve myself with a child that should not have been fathered by me. I just don't know where to go from here.

Should not have been fathered by you,but was because you had set with a woman. Unprotected see that you initiated. Live your solitary lifestyle,but you have to provide financially for this child. He who dips his wick must pay for the oil

Coopaloop

I'm kinda having a hard time believing OP, they seem to be deliberately putting in key words or statements in their posts to spark a reaction....I could be wrong......
However, if it is true, then get a paternity test and honestly OP, if you dont want to be part of the childs life then dont, you can financially help the mother and child for the rest of your life and you wont have to worry about "wasting" 3 hours of your life travelling to visit your child 🙄

Big Bag of Chips

Whether or not you're a father isn't determined by your sexuality. It is determined by whether or not your sperm fertilises an egg. Plenty of gay people have children that are their's. You could artificially inseminate a woman and the child would be yours.

I'm also finding it difficult to believe this is true because of the inflammatory language used, but these days people's selfishness and self-absorbtion seems to know no bounds so nothing would surprise me.

I think you should tell her immediately that you do not want to be a father and mean it. No arsing around. No getting curious in a few months/years. No flitting in and out of the child's life as and when the humour takes you.

You're a father or you're not.

LegacyUser

Your sexual orientation is completely irrelevant.

It seems like one of your main concerns is the threat posed by this child to the legitimacy of your stated sexual orientation. (I'm 110% gay (newsflash, can't go higher than 100%), hetero adventures, ashamed you got pleasure out of heterosexual sex, child is illegitimate because you're gay).

Newsflash; just because you are gay doesn't mean you aren't supposed to have children in a manner that supposedly goes against your declared sexuality. It's not unusual for gay men and women to have children in the "conventional" way.

Your issues with your sexuality and its legitimacy are completely independent of the fact you got a woman pregnant. You need to deal with your sexuality separately.

The real issue here is, a woman is pregnant and it is most likely your child. It happened because two consenting adults chose to have unprotected sex. And when two adults make that choice they do so in full awareness that there is a chance pregnancy will occur as a result.

Get the paternity test if you want, at least that way you can wash your hands of it with a clear conscience if the baby turns out not to be yours.

If the baby is yours, I guess nobody can force you to be a part of its life (though it might be a different story if she goes the legal route via seeking maintenance, child support, etc.) but to choose not to have anything to do with your child? There aren't many things lower than that.

Lastly; you said the woman is a friend. Have a think about what kind of a friend you are there.

Hannibal_Smith

This isn't how you envisioned your life panning out. I'd lay a bet that the girl didn't envision this either.

It sounds like you feel you've some how betrayed yourself. You haven't done anything wrong but it still sounds like you've felt shame about what happened long before you found out about the baby. You've done nothing wrong. You had consensual sex with someone. There's nothing wrong there. The only issue was not using a condom.

At the same time being gay doesn't mean your life should pan out a certain way and if it doesn't pan out that way it changes who you are.

It sounds like the girl had some reservations about how you would react and so waited six months to tell you? She hasn't done anything wrong BTW and neither has the baby.

One part of me thinks, if you're going to look at the kid as a blight on your life - don't get involved. The kid will not benefit from that and will be far better surrounded by a loving supporting family. The other part thinks - you made the decision to have unprotected sex and the ramifications of that are now partly your responsibility to face up to. But forget labels and how you think things should be, this is how things are.

Neyite

Are you normally this much of a drama llama? You sound like you think that you need to turn straight, marry her, move to Donegal and join the parish council or something. Calm down. It's not the first baby made from reckless parents and won't be the last.

You were the one who insisted on unprotected sex with her. If you didn't want a pregnancy, you should have put on a condom. You will be legally obliged to pay child maintenance if DNA proves the baby is yours. Set up a direct debit and walk away.

You don't need to change anything about your lifestyle, and to be honest, it sounds like your child would be better off growing up without anyone who considers them 'illegitimate'.

For what it's worth, one relative of mine referred to my son as illegitimate. The upshot is that she will never set foot in our home, and he doesn't even know she exists. He does not need that bigotry in his life.

Treppen

Take a step back and look at the humorous aspect of it. You're overthinking things.

Ye'll work it out.

You'll be grand.

Congratulations!

Airyfairy12

I just notice that your number one concern is yourself and what you want! Not the woman left with the full responsibility & not the child that you consider to be 'illegitimate'. The only time you refer to the child and being involved with her is again in relation to yourself! 'This might be my only chance to have a child'
This is much bigger than you and your wants out of life, the child will be here whether you like it or not and you had just as much a part in creating this situation as your friend, you are equally responsible for this life you created.
I just find the lack of empathy for the woman you slept with and the way you demean the baby to be incredibly immature and self centered!
This isnt about you anymore.

gmisk

Absolutely bizarre post.
You need to step up, if the baby is yours.

Being gay doesn't give you some kind of get out of jail free card equivalent....

The fact you convinced her not to use a condom is utterly loopy.

Jequ0n

Not condoning the OP but the girl is obviously as stupid as he is for agreeing to have unprotected sex. I don’t really get why she is presented as a faultless victim here

Big Bag of Chips

Jequ0n, you are here long enough to know that Personal Issues is an advice forum. Offer advice or don't post.

ManOfMystery

I'm not trying to give you a hard time OP, but you've made some really, really poor choices here.

- You claim to be "110% gay" ............... but still wanted to experiment with a woman who was of the belief that you could potentially have a relationship? Did you not consider that very deceitful?
- You talked her into not using a condom, even though she was hesistant. The pregnancy risk needs no explaining at this stage, but did you not consider STDs also?
- You have written off your child as illegitimate because it wasn't part of your life plan

This whole thing seems to be all about you, your feelings and your life.
The child didn't ask to be brought into this world - you caused that.

It is wholly unfair and also very immoral IMO for you to label the child as illegitimate. Some day that will be a living, breathing person who may be having a conversation with you about where exactly you were all their life. They will experience worries and fears and have questions in just the same way that you have had throughout your life. Their status as a person can't be denied and cast aside with that one word - illegitimate (which has an awful connotation of implying they have no value) - simply because you don't want to face reality.

It's happened now and can't be undone. So you can either make some good choices going forward, to make a difference in a child's life by being available to it - in some shape or form ...................... or continue to stick your head in the sand and selfishly focus only on yourself.

Hi OP,

this is obviously a shock to you and that's understandable, you are young and this wasn't part of your plans. I would think it's totally normal to (in a sense) grieve for the life you aren't going to have now but i would also suggest you embrace the real joy that comes with being a father. Kids are tiring and demanding but they are also a wonderful adventure, if you let yourself feel it.

Financially speaking, you probably aren't earning much yet anyhow, but the best thing you can do for your daughter is to be there for her.

You and your child's mum don't need to be best mates but if you start off by openly saying what you can and can't do, there's no reason ye can't be good parents. At your ages I hope ye have supportive families who can pitch in?

mickuhaha

Your choices are straight forward. If you're the father you get to choose to be in the child's life or not. Financially if you are the father you are responsible until the child grows up.

You also get to choose the relationship you have with the child and mother.

The thing is everyone is going to know sooner or later if you're the father.

You need to make these hard decisions fast and understand the long term implementations. The mother and child are going to need stability no matter what you decide to do and that is what the mother will work towards.

shesty

You seem to have this view that because you are gay it somehow sets you apart from "irresponsible hetero behaviour". It doesn't. You're a man who had sex with a woman, and made a baby.....end of.
I get it's a massive shock and I can understand you need time to get your head around it. That being said...there's 2 of you in this and it is as much your responsibility as hers. You can't just write it off as not your problem because it doesn't tie in with your view of your sexuality. I suggest you have a long conversation with this girl about what she thinks will happen, and see where the two of you stand and what way things might work.
Don't even go there on the word illegitimate by the way. That baby will most likely be the whole world to its mother, whose life has now been turned upside down and back to front because you wanted a "real" experience. If you think you are struggling, you have zero idea what she is going through right now, and what she will go through over the next few years.She will put that baby first always and you would do well to keep that in mind when talking to her about what arrangements might be worked out - this isn't a tap you can turn on and off as you see fit, depending on how you feel. The choice is gone now for that girl, the least you can do is offer some support in a consistent way.

Tazium

Remove the sexual orientation and you've got a man who is scared and uninformed. Advice thus-far suggests a paternity test and that's a really good starting point to avoid any future doubt. Once that's done and results are known you need to work out how to proceed. There are all kinds of costs and time constraints coming but also an innocent child who didn't ask to be born and won't wait for you to decide.

Your opening post is a little troll-like, so putting that to one side you mentioned that this could be the only child you'll ever father. Fatherhood is challenging but exceptionally rewarding and the benefits will outweigh any negative thoughts you are experiencing right now. This is given from the depth of my own experience.

Financial responsibility and agreements on access can be very hard to get agreement for, especially as you aren't together as a cohabiting couple. Work out a co-parenting plan if you want to be involved (I really hope you will).

It's not a disaster or the end of your world. It's an adjustment and you'll be fine. Take a breath. Maybe read-up a little and gain some understandings. Good luck.

mohawk

Look the girl is pregnant and whatever plans she had have dramatically changed. It’s not the babies fault that they were conceived.

If your going to resent this child then pay your maintenance and leave the child alone. You will do more harm then good. Kids aren’t stupid they know if they are resented or not.

If you want to be involved it won’t be easy as your in different parts of the country but it will be doable. Remembering birthdays and turning up for big occasions will mean something to the child, but you have to be doing it for the child. Your young and don’t know where life will take you I get that, but there is a child now. It’s not the end of the world it’s a new path.

LegacyUser

The thing that is really getting me extremely confused and mentally distressed is the fact that I think I am actually sexually attracted and in love with her. I believe I am and that poses huge difficulties for me, I am very much convinced that I'm gay and what will people thing after coming out that now I am in love with a woman? That is my real fear. I feel I am truly attracted and in love with her and that will make everything I am a complete lie. I hate that I am having these feelings.

I feel if I get involved with my daughter's life I will end up being unable to resist wanting my relationship with the mother to go deeper. Added to that I do not believe I would make a good father due to my sexuality.

I am just extremely confused and messed up at the moment. Illegitimate was the wrong term to use but I'm struggling to identify what is going on.

shesty

Right.So this is about more than just the baby?

In which case OP can I suggest you deal with one problem at a time here.I don't think the question of your sexuality is going to be amswered quickly.Your most immediate issue is that you potentially are going to become a father in 3 months.I suggest you address that first.And all I can say is give it time.Don't make any decisions about relationships or where you might live or anything until a few months after the baby arrives.I have kids, believe me planning before the baby comes,and in the days after it's arrival is not a good idea.You need to try to run with whatever arrangement works for the first few months of the child's life, and then start discussing any longer term plans.
The question of your sexuality, only you can amswer.I suspect that is something that will play out over time for you.Try not to be too hard on yourself, because there is a lot of upheaval right now - bear that in mind.

Stihl waters

Illegitimate ffs, you should be ashamed of yourself and edit your opening post to take it out of it, you'd think a gay man who's peers suffered so much before him would have more social awareness about such language

Indespair_22

Indespair_22 wrote: »

The thing that is really getting me extremely confused and mentally distressed is the fact that I think I am actually sexually attracted and in love with her. I believe I am and that poses huge difficulties for me, I am very much convinced that I'm gay and what will people thing after coming out that now I am in love with a woman? That is my real fear. I feel I am truly attracted and in love with her and that will make everything I am a complete lie. I hate that I am having these feelings.

I feel if I get involved with my daughter's life I will end up being unable to resist wanting my relationship with the mother to go deeper. Added to that I do not believe I would make a good father due to my sexuality.

I am just extremely confused and messed up at the moment. Illegitimate was the wrong term to use but I'm struggling to identify what is going on.

Firstly who cares what anyone else thinks? You fancy who you fancy.

Secondly, most people will probably just shrug their shoulders and say "well, fair enough so, hope it works out for him/them" etc.

Anyone who gives you grief over your choices, sexuality-wise, is hardly worth your time.

Anyhow, all that is in the future, your here and now is deciding what's best for the kid, which ultimately the most important thing here.

Ms. Newbie18

Hi OP,

First things first. Don't ever call a child illegitimate. Regardless of how it's conceived or your sexual orientation.

Secondly, you sound like you're in a form of shock, but I'm afraid it's time to grow up.

This is about more than you. An unplanned pregnancy at 22 is not ideal for anyone. My guess would be that if you have told all your family/friends you gay you may be worried how they react to the news?

You can be sexaully fluid/bi or pan sexual, no one will judge you for it. If your family and freinds loved and accepted you when you came out - the same will hold true for this chapter in your life.

You don't not need to and should not base your entire identity on your sexual orientation. Is that a part of you, yes obviously. But is not all of you.

Whether you are in love with this girl or love her in the platonic sense..you owe it to her to take responsibility for your actions.

There are some great lqbtq charities out there that provide therapy; Google them and call one. Then organise a paternity test just to be on the safe side.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP, going on the assumption that this is genuine, I honestly think that you have many issues that are so deep rooted, they are beyond the scope of what this forum is for. If genuine you have a lot to unravel and given that there are timelines involved here and the gravity of the implications a decision may have on three peoples futures, rather than continuing to post here, you should seek the help of a professional counsellor who can help you work through your issues.

With that in mind I'm going to close this thread here and wish you all the best.

Thanks

HS