How to overcome disappointment

Denzel123

Just wondering how you guys overcome disappointment with teens. Its ongoing with them all, if it’s not their sports ie not getting on a team or trials not going their way or general everyday crap.

They put the work in and most of the time it’s down to luck or knowing the right people and I’m at odds trying to make sense of it myself..,they seem to be unlucky and I can’t seem to encourage them to keep going at it when I’m feeling what’s the point it’s the same people who just come out on top each time.

YellowLead

It’s one of those things that everybody has to learn how to deal with, ideally before adulthood and it’s one of those things that is trickier with teens than smaller kids.

If you can try and get them to enjoy what they are successful at, no matter how small, little joys can help shield against big disappointments.

Some are naturally more resilient than others and move on from disappointment to try again. Those who eat healthily, exercise, and have solid friendships will have a better tolerance for failures along the way.

You might get better advice in the parenting forum btw.

Airyfairy12

They will have to learn how to deal with it, disappointment is apart of life and if they cant handle not getting on a sports team how are they going to handle not getting the job they wanted or a relationship ending or general life not going as planned! You cant and shouldnt shelter them from disappointment, its a basic life skill that they have to learn how to cope with.

qwerty13

And I think it’s an important thing that they encounter when young / early teens, ie the knowledge that they won’t always win. I have no time for the ‘everyone is a winner’ stuff, nor the ultra competitive stuff either - neither of these prepares them for real life.

Rubberchikken

Learning that you've done your best and that someone else is the winner regardless of how they won is a lesson that's hard to learn but one that almost everyone manages eventually.

Yours are doing fine in participating, doing their best and learning to accept the outcome.
It's never easy but it will get better with time.

Airyfairy12

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Learning that you've done your best and that someone else is the winner regardless of how they won is a lesson that's hard to learn but one that almost everyone manages eventually.

Yours are doing fine in participating, doing their best and learning to accept the outcome.
It's never easy but it will get better with time.

This but I think its also important to teach them resilience & grit and instill in them to not give up and to always keep trying!
You cant stop disappointments from happening to them but you can help them learn how to cope with these things.

ElizaBennett

While I think it's a good idea to mention that luck is often involved with success, I think it's a mistake to dwell on this idea of it always being certain people who win out and get everything. That can really sow bitterness which is a horrible trait. It's best to teach kids to keep doing their best and not worry too much about how easy others might appear to have it. That's usually a falasy anyway and helps no one.

Denzel123

ElizaBennett wrote: »

While I think it's a good idea to mention that luck is often involved with success, I think it's a mistake to dwell on this idea of it always being certain people who win out and get everything. That can really sow bitterness which is a horrible trait. It's best to teach kids to keep doing their best and not worry too much about how easy others might appear to have it. That's usually a falasy anyway and helps no one.[/quote

While I agree about luck however in every walk of life there are certain individuals that rise to the top because their family are involved in the sport on top level ie sponsors or management. I’m not bitter or instilling it in them their not stupid and it doesn’t go unnoticed.
They will pick themselves up and carry on but there are a few that won’t which is a shame.

DubCount

I think that it might help to try and redefine with them what "success" looks like. Not everyone who plays football is a Ronaldo. For some success is playing in the second division, or a local pub team. Try to find the positives to show what their "success" looks like for them. If they are not making a particular team, I'm sure they are still way above average in their sport, and better than they were last year, and enjoying training and having fun with their friends. Maybe success is more connected with school in stead of sport, or friendships in stead of school etc.

The race is not always to the swift, not victory to the brave. There will always be disappointments in life, and everyone finds their own success eventually.

Jequ0n

DubCount wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire lengthy post.

Not my thread but your post made me think. Thank you

GaroldCrash22

I think that children should be taught from an early age that it makes no sense to get bogged down in such trivialities. They need to understand that they should concentrate on it and it's just a stage in life. Disappointment is only in the head, there are no problems in general.

With my own kids I do try to instil in them an ability to enjoy and embrace failure. From an early age when I was setting up games - projects - activities - crafts - goals - or whatever I would always look for moments of failure and focusing on those with as much positivity and engagement and praise as I would their successes.

Quite often I see a lot of parents do the opposite of this or worse. They would either become annoyed and frustrated with it if the kid failed to reach whatever goal or result it was. Or they would placate or commiserate with the kid as if a bad thing had happened and they need to be made feel better. Or they would throw hands up and give up on the activity.

But I always try to find some positive association to focus on in the face of any failure or perceived lack of success. This can be many things.

It can be humour and laughter and enjoyment of the failure for example. I remember the first time my daughter was trying badminton with me with a racket and cock that we had picked up cheap. I could see the beginnings of frustration and disappointment in her as we failed to play it well. So I started to make jokes and enjoyment out of just how bad at it we were. So rather than getting upset and disappointed she was not getting as good as she wanted to be at it - we actually started to really enjoy the comedy of just how bad we were at it. But then - because we kept at it - we started to get better.

Another approach is the joy of debugging a failure. Rather than get upset it did not work - make figuring out what went wrong seem something you are energetic and excited about. Kids can get pulled along for the ride with your enthusiasm and energy then. So like with my son when a rocket thing we were building would not fly - we started to have a great time trying to figure out why. We made minor modifications to the thrust - the wings - the shape - and more. And seeing each time what was different and better and worse. And suddenly the joy my son had at the project was no longer based on the "success" of getting the rocket to fly - but the experimentation and discovery of seeing what each minor modification would achieve. in essence what you are doing there is changing what the "success criteria" even are in the first place in the mind of the child. That the actual project itself can be a series of successes even if the original intended goal of that project is never reached.

Breaking failures down into side projects is also a good idea. When we fail to achieve a bigger goal - we can still take pleasure in small goals. For example if someone does not make a football team you can break this down into reasoning as to why. Maybe there is one particular skill they feel they are not good at in football. Or maybe they feel they are not fit enough. Or fast enough. Break down these minor areas of improvement into side projects. If their aim with the ball is bad - focus on that. If they can not run fast enough - start a project to work on running and speed. The sense of achievement from setting and reaching minor goals can then transfer itself back onto the original project and give them renewed motivation. If they think they did not make the team because they were too slow - and they get their running from 6 minutes per KM down to 5 minutes per KM - they will feel good about that achievement _and_ then feel more confident about that perceived failure within the main sport itself. And so on.

Setting smaller goals is also a great thing in life. It is in fact the main thing that made me the person I am today. So for me it was key. But someone who plays a bit of football and then runs to try out for the school/area "A" team and does not get it - might be bitterly disappointed. But perhaps they were aiming too high too soon. Go for a smaller or lower team where you can prove yourself first. Or before trying out for the team ask if you can train with them first - or go with them to their games to "help out" with other things but maybe train with them during their warm ups or kick balls with the subs bench as they are warming up to be put on - and so forth.

Things like that can help to stop a child learning to just give up and not try. But in the end too - as other users have pointed out - you can not entirely and completely avoid this either. Meeting disappointment and failure in life - and coping with it - is a life skill we all have to learn. Learning to enjoy and even embrace failure is one tool in the arsenal of doing that. But it is only part of it.

ILoveYourVibes

I think its a skill that life has to teach you.

JustAThought

Funny - I was only thinking the other day of the local child pets and golden children that EVERYONE (adults) fêted and who were in everything & given the golden parts for everything - sports, events, leader riles in clubs - for little reasons than they could handle adults better & were superpolite & good looking. They dominated every club and group in the area when we were teenagers.

When we were able to spread our wings a bit more and join sports & clubs outside our local area they problem simply disappeared - out of sight out of mind. You could be part of a bigger group or team and have the one quasi bully or snide commenter dominating you or excluding you and have the comraderie and friends . Problem gone forever - except for occasional flashbacks! Sports pets and club pets in school clubs and hobbies were always a thing - maybe your teenager is caught in this? Maybe move groups/sport.

It does sound a bit OP as if you are as frustrated that they arn’t shining or being picked etc. Maybe your attitude is rubbing off on them? Maybe you want them to be better/more successful and your competitiveness and disappointment is rubbing off in their attitude. In theory its being part of the group and maybe doing your best or even just enjoying it and not killing yourself trying and hanging out with friends and belonging that should matter most. Is your teenager enjoying themselves in these things - which would be the most important?

We came from a very competitive parent who always wanted us to win & be on the gold medal circut. I found we were encouraged away from normal group sports and encouraged into more isolating & rare sports & events where we could be boasted about and excell better - but I’d rather have been with my friends in a local friendly gaggle than bringing home trophies and being embarassed by my parents endless desire to he the parent of the winning child.

I also just needed to find a club and sports and a group of people that I enjoyed rather than being v good at and didn’t enjoy because I didn’t click or had no real friends there or just wasn’t interested in hanging around with them even if I loved the sport! Theres a delicate balance!

I’d agree with what everyone else said about being first not being the thing - but if s/he’s constantly excluded and dissappointed maybe s/he’s in the wrong sport or level?

I’d tread carefully.

B.A._Baracus

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

They will have to learn how to deal with it, disappointment is apart of life and if they cant handle not getting on a sports team how are they going to handle not getting the job they wanted or a relationship ending or general life not going as planned! You cant and shouldnt shelter them from disappointment, its a basic life skill that they have to learn how to cope with.

Exactly!

Op, if I put myself in your shoes I would start telling them the facts of life. That life is not fair. You wouldn't start saying this to a child but a teen is perfectly fine. I don't mean some hard talk too, like, "stop being a whimp!"

Just explain that's how life works and it's ok to feel down or disappointed but you eventually get back on the horse. While you were at it, if it were still me in your shoes, i'd tell them the hard facts of life. That people will want what you got, be it a job or woman etc. Anything that holds any value in this world someone else will want it too.

JustAThought

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Exactly!

Op, if I put myself in your shoes I would start telling them the facts of life. That life is not fair. You wouldn't start saying this to a child but a teen is perfectly fine. I don't mean some hard talk too, like, "stop being a whimp!"

Just explain that's how life works and it's ok to feel down or disappointed but you eventually get back on the horse. While you were at it, if it were still me in your shoes, i'd tell them the hard facts of life. That people will want what you got, be it a job or woman etc. Anything that holds any value in this world someone else will want it too.

Eeeeeem.
What age are these children OP!?!!

B.A._Baracus

JustAThought wrote: »

Eeeeeem.
What age are these children OP!?!!

Op said teens.
No one is saying give the hard facts of life talk to a 7 year old. But a 15, 16 or 17 yes. It is a duty as a parent to try and prepare your kid for the adult world when they become close to that.

B.A._Baracus

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

No one is saying give the hard facts of life talk to a 7 year old

Oh I dunno - I would advocate hitting kids with some serious disappointment from 2 or 3 years of age

It's hard as hell at that age though. They are so cute - and their sad little faces................................