Boyfriend + close female friend

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend about a year, both mid-30s and recently moved in together. It's the best relationship I've ever had, he's supportive, kind, generous, funny, all the good things really. Both really excited about the future.

We met in pandemic times so obviously our relationship progression has been a bit untypical, we've not met many of each other's family/friends except a handful. For the last few months, a very close female friend of his has been going through a separation from a long-term partner and my OH has been providing a lot of emotional support. He's close to both of them but has been in close contact with this woman without speaking much to the lad at all. I guess she's more vulnerable. He's spoken a few times about her and how worried he is, she's not coping, may lose her house, threatening suicide, drinking too much etc.

I really feel for her and have been trying to support him as much as possible with advice, but recently have begun to feel a bit uncomfortable about how much she is leaning on him as it feels unhealthy. She texts him non-stop all day and into the night, a few times a week he jumps up and into the car to visit her, I over-read some texts over his shoulder recently and it really raised a flag. "I need you", "I don't feel safe without you", "I'm so lonely" etc and she was trying to get him to come and visit her at 11pm at night.

I 100% trust my partner and know that he loves me and this is coming from the woman's side, who is clearly goiing through a hard time, but this makes me really uncomfortable because 1. the texting is relentless and 2. this is the way you talk to a partner in my opinion. I think this couple has really been there for my partner in the past and he feels a debt to return the favour here, but to me, she's crossing boundaries all over the place here. What are others' thoughts on this?

YellowLead

Could you offer to go with him when he visits?

It sounds like she is overly reliant on him which is unhealthy, but if he is a caring person I’m sure his instinct is to help and in time he may see that she probably needs counselling. Perhaps you could raise that with him, that he should I encourage her to seek professional help? His level of support is understandable over a short period of time but a few months seems like much too much.

Of course looking from the outside in it’s possible there are feelings between the two of them as he is entertaining a lot from her, but if you are sure there are not then that’s certainly not a worry.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you feel comfortable discussing it with him? I think as his partner you should be able, and indeed are entitled to talk about the situation with him.

The level of contact they have does seem excessive. I think even if she was your friend rather than his and was contacting you all day and late at night to comfort and support her you'd start drawing up your own boundaries. It's nice to be a good friend and support. It's not helpful to be a prop and enable ongoing wallowing behaviour.

Threats of suicide are quite manipulative. If she is drinking too much he needs to be careful of enabling that and allowing/supporting her in continuing on a destructive path.

You should be able to air issues with your partner. If you're uneasy about airing something like this then you need to consider what that means for your future in this relationship.

Airyfairy12

She must be going through a very difficult time and its very nice of your boyfriend to be such a big support to her, he must be a very giving person and its lovely that she can be open about her feelings. That said, its crossed a line now to a point were your partner cant be the support she needs! She needs to speak to her gp and arrange to see a psychologist, she might need medication to get her through this hard time. Either way, your boyfriend isnt a professional and his over helping and herself being so overly reliant on him is already causing stress between you and no doubt will take its toll on his own mental health, including yours.

Your boyfriend needs to stop enabling this and start setting boundaries, he should be encouraging her to get professional help, of course he can still be a friend to her but this isnt a friendship anymore, he's become a life support and thats not healthy for anyone involved. She needs proper help and support from her doctor and mental health services.

Rubberchikken

While it's kind of your bf to support this woman he now needs to step back.
Can you talk to him about it?

Yes she's been going through a hard time but leaning on him or making him feel he should be there for her always is unfair to him and you.
It's also not going to help her in the long run tbh.

Dog day

I’m going to come at this from something of a different angle. Firstly you say you met your boyfriend during the pandemic so you’ve been together just over a year, alongside this you refer to this woman as a very close friend of his which would intimate that they know eachother longer than this. I think these facts are telling in that they perhaps have a solid & lengthy friendship. Equally as you acknowledged you haven’t met all of eachothers family & friends etc, the very fact you met during the pandemic means you haven’t yet gotten a true idea of eachothers ‘normal’ lives.

Granted, she does seem to need a lot of support but I think it’s admirable that your boyfriend is trying to be there for her as you pointed out she & her ex supported him in the past.

This all basically comes down to trust.

I certainly wouldn’t be injecting myself into their friendship at this juncture ie. visiting her with him etc.

As to the rhetoric she’s using ie ‘I need you’ etc it sounds dramatic but typical of someone going through a tough breakup. The suicide threats are extremely worrying but actually not totally uncommon. I think it’s more for your boyfriends sake that a line may need to be drawn & not with the greatest of respect anything to do with you at this point. It’s his friendship to handle as he sees fit.

Assuming that this woman & your boyfriend have no romantic or sexual history and that you trust your boyfriend implicitly I’d be of the opinion that you shouldn’t feel the need to comment on it as things stand right now. If it goes on indefinitely & she shows no signs of getting back on her feet you may need to reassess the situation.

TheadoreT

I mean you said it yourself that the texts she sent sound like what you'd send someone you're more than friends with. You only saw it because you were peeking without him knowing. Sounds like your instincts are telling you something here but you don't want to fully face up the the reality.
I'd guess something has happened between them at some point, whether it was before or since you were with him its hard to tell, the dynamic just feels off.

leggo

Hmmm. This got me thinking because two of my best friends are a married couple who’ve been there for me through everything, so if this happened to them then there’s no real limit to the support I’d provide to either of them as needed. There are times during bad break-ups where you’re not rational and you may be leaning more than you would otherwise, but this tends to be short-term and dissipates as the shock settles.

How I’d approach it from your shoes would be just to casually raise it before it even became an issue. A healthy relationship has open communication and solid boundaries built around it anyway, so if your relationship is healthy it can be discussed openly when those are impeded upon. “Jeez the poor thing, do you not think that’s a bit much to ask of you though?” and so on, then he can answer openly instead of getting defensive.

If you can’t do all of that naturally, why? And if that’s the case are you sure the relationship is as sturdy as you’ve laid out? I mean, if you trust him, what’s the need for a thread at all?

Dog day

[I mean, if you trust him, what’s the need for a thread at all?[/quote]


100% in agreement with leggo here.

OP, to add to my original post, I now suspect you may have niggling doubts. It’s a relatively new relationship that seems to have accelerated, moving in together already etc. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but equally it sounds like the first hurdle you’ve come up against. New relationships during a pandemic are the very definition of living in a bubble & reality could be starting to bite now.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for the feedback. As to the questions, I trust my boyfriend implicitly. I suppose I hadn't raised it because it's a bit tricky, you know? The woman is going through the worst time of her life and has mental health issues. And to add to that I've never met her and have no real context to their friendship. He wasn't exactly hiding any of this from me, but I was struggling to find the words to communicate my discomfort to him.

Anyway, we had a conversation last night. I said I love him for being such a kind and caring person but that this was making me more than a little uncomfortable. He was immediately apologetic and jumped to tell me how sorry he was that this had been upsetting me. There's never been a romantic/sexual component to their friendship, but he knows she's leaning on him too heavily, she's even acknowledged that herself and he said he's been having trouble knowing how to draw a boundary. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life. He already suggested counselling, she's not been finding it helpful so far. He's scared that she'll do something silly, she has a history of it. We had quite a long conversation about it, I said I'd never want him to abandon a friend in need but that this was a major crossing of boundaries that seemed to be going on for too long and it's going to damage us if a line isn't drawn. He said he was going to be less available to her and see if he can encourage her to get to the gp again. He apologised again this morning, I know he feels terrible. It's just an awkward situation all round and I'm sure I'll be meeting her at some stage down the line and don't want to be coming between their friendship but I suppose it's time to draw a line really.

notsureaboutthisone

notsureaboutthisone wrote: »

Hi guys, thanks for the feedback. As to the questions, I trust my boyfriend implicitly. I suppose I hadn't raised it because it's a bit tricky, you know? The woman is going through the worst time of her life and has mental health issues. And to add to that I've never met her and have no real context to their friendship. He wasn't exactly hiding any of this from me, but I was struggling to find the words to communicate my discomfort to him.

Anyway, we had a conversation last night. I said I love him for being such a kind and caring person but that this was making me more than a little uncomfortable. He was immediately apologetic and jumped to tell me how sorry he was that this had been upsetting me. There's never been a romantic/sexual component to their friendship, but he knows she's leaning on him too heavily, she's even acknowledged that herself and he said he's been having trouble knowing how to draw a boundary. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life. He already suggested counselling, she's not been finding it helpful so far. He's scared that she'll do something silly, she has a history of it. We had quite a long conversation about it, I said I'd never want him to abandon a friend in need but that this was a major crossing of boundaries that seemed to be going on for too long and it's going to damage us if a line isn't drawn. He said he was going to be less available to her and see if he can encourage her to get to the gp again. He apologised again this morning, I know he feels terrible. It's just an awkward situation all round and I'm sure I'll be meeting her at some stage down the line and don't want to be coming between their friendship but I suppose it's time to draw a line really.

While it's a shame that she is suffering from mental health difficulties, if she is not willing to engage with mental health services such as her GP or counseling, then I'm not sure what your boyfriend can do for her. She can't realistically lean on him forever. She needs to take the necessary steps to help herself.

ManOfMystery

I think your boyfriend has done as much as he can, but at this stage it sounds more like she needs professional help than a well intentioned friend. If suicide/self harm/etc are a real possibility, then whoever is talking to her needs to be trained to deal with those possibilities properly.

Big Bag of Chips

You could advise him to have a few stock phrases to reply to her especially if she mentions suicidal thoughts - "I'm not qualified to help you. I really would feel better if you contacted a professional" that sort of thing.

If she contacts him threatening suicide he should ring 999 and let them know where she is.

Once he stops enabling her she will find other ways to cope. Or if she has very genuine mental health problems and her suicide threats are real, the emergency services will help her.

LegacyUser

i agree here with above post -> this poor girl needs professional help and quickly. please talk to your partner and advise him to do everything he can to get her the help that she needs.

it sounds like a very serious incident is not far away.