No more kids problem

DaisyDoo90

My partner of two years has told me he doesn't want anymore children. He has three from a previous relationship. I'm 31 and his 39. He told me he wants to split up as he doesn't want to hold me back if it is something I want and for me to hate him in years to come.

Having children was never on my radar it was never something we had a serious conversation about either. I thought he would want them and he thought I would want them.

From speaking to family and friends they all say how I was never interested in having children. How do I let him know that I am 100% happy not having biological children as he will think I am saying it to save our relationship but in fact I am 100% happy to have him and his 3 children as my family.

I don't know what to do.

DaisyDoo90

DaisyDoo90 wrote: »

My partner of two years has told me he doesn't want anymore children. He has three from a previous relationship. I'm 31 and his 39. He told me he wants to split up as he doesn't want to hold me back if it is something I want and for me to hate him in years to come.

Having children was never on my radar it was never something we had a serious conversation about either. I thought he would want them and he thought I would want them.

From speaking to family and friends they all say how I was never interested in having children. How do I let him know that I am 100% happy not having biological children as he will think I am saying it to save our relationship but in fact I am 100% happy to have him and his 3 children as my family.

I don't know what to do.

The fact that he is going straight to "let's split up" is odd. I'd be honest with your thoughts but you should probably ask him if this is about having kids or is it just a convenient excuse for him to do what he really wants, which is to break up.

DaisyDoo90

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The fact that he is going straight to "let's split up" is odd. I'd be honest with your thoughts but you should probably ask him if this is about having kids or is it just a convenient excuse for him to do what he really wants, which is to break up.

He is afraid that he will hurt me in that I may resent him in years to come if I was to change my mind on children

MissShihTzu

DaisyDoo90 wrote: »

He is afraid that he will hurt me in that I may resent him in years to come if I was to change my mind on children

I'm sorry OP, but I think you should at least consider what your partner's saying, and the message he's giving you. Have a good long think, followed by a really good chat about where this relationship's heading.

It seems strange that he wants to go straight for a split, rather than having an honest conversation.

It's also odd that you point to what other people are saying about your thoughts on children. What do you want and what do you really feel? You need to be honest with yourself too.

Good luck

DaisyDoo90

DaisyDoo90 wrote: »

He is afraid that he will hurt me in that I may resent him in years to come if I was to change my mind on children

I don't know him, so that could be gospel truth. I'm just saying it's possible that he's saying that as an easy way to get out of the relationship.

PerryB78

If anything he's being very straight with you and thats a good thing. I doubt very much he wants to break up but he understands how you may feel in a few years if the urge to be a mammy kicks in, he's nailed his colours to the mast so its up to you now

shesty

It's actually not odd.He has kids, he knows how this works, he has been through those years with his friends and family probably having kids around him.He has most likely seen people change.He is being quite fair to be honest.

I can't tell you if your feelings will change OP but this certainly warrants thought and a very serious conversation.Saying "everybody says I never wanted kids" isn't a reason.It's what you seriously think is what matters.

shesty

shesty wrote: »

It's actually not odd.He has kids, he knows how this works, he has been through those years with his friends and family probably having kids around him.He has most likely seen people change.He is being quite fair to be honest.

I can't tell you if your feelings will change OP but this certainly warrants thought and a very serious conversation.Saying "everybody says I never wanted kids" isn't a reason.It's what you seriously think is what matters.

What's odd isn't the kids part. It's the "go straight to break up without consultation" part.

tara73

what's odd is also he's revealing this after two years of a relationship. he should have discussed it more in the beginning.

what is he doing I ask myself. Enjoying a relationship and if it doesn't suit him anymore or he's getting cold feet for whatever reason he's splitting up without any discussion beforehand with you. Sounds like some dodgy charactertype to me.

I think you are well rid!

ManOfMystery

Deleted User wrote: »

What's odd isn't the kids part. It's the "go straight to break up without consultation" part.

I don't find it odd.

This isn't the first time I've seen a thread where 2 partners are generally not on the same page (as may turn out to be the case here) about having children or not. And the consensus is usually the same; there is no middle ground or compromise. Either both want children, or it doesn't work.

This guy is touching 40 so he's not a young and indecisive adolescent. He has kids already, it sounds to me like he's very very clear about his feeling towards having more and he's probably already thought this through heavily before proceeding with this conversation. Is it a little blunt and on the nose? Maybe so, but as I said above, generally there is no compromise to be had when one person is 100% emphatically against having more kids - so any conversation over it is likely to be a waste of time. At least he's not stringing the OP along or letting her think it could be a possibility, as I've often seen in similar examples.

shesty

[Deleted User] wrote: »

What's odd isn't the kids part. It's the "go straight to break up without consultation" part.

Maybe, but I mean kids are fairly binary.You either have them or you don't , there just is no middle ground.He doesn't want any more, so really then the only way IS a breakup if she does want them. Now I was working on the basis that they had discussed this and it wasn't out of the blue, but obviously if it is a sudden thing, then he yes, should have given time for them to have a decent talk about it first.

shesty

shesty wrote: »

Maybe, but I mean kids are fairly binary.You either have them or you don't , there just is no middle ground.He doesn't want any more, so really then the only way IS a breakup if she does want them. Now I was working on the basis that they had discussed this and it wasn't out of the blue, but obviously if it is a sudden thing, then he yes, should have given time for them to have a decent talk about it first.

Did she tell him that she wants kids?

ManOfMystery

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I don't find it odd.

This isn't the first time I've seen a thread where 2 partners are generally not on the same page (as may turn out to be the case here) about having children or not. And the consensus is usually the same; there is no middle ground or compromise. Either both want children, or it doesn't work.

This guy is touching 40 so he's not a young and indecisive adolescent. He has kids already, it sounds to me like he's very very clear about his feeling towards having more and he's probably already thought this through heavily before proceeding with this conversation. Is it a little blunt and on the nose? Maybe so, but as I said above, generally there is no compromise to be had when one person is 100% emphatically against having more kids - so any conversation over it is likely to be a waste of time. At least he's not stringing the OP along or letting her think it could be a possibility, as I've often seen in similar examples.

Did she tell him that she wants kids? Maybe I'm missing something here.

ManOfMystery

Deleted User wrote: »

Did she tell him that she wants kids? Maybe I'm missing something here.

No, hence why I wrote "as may turn out to be the case here". Neither has she ruled herself out of having them. If that was the case, I suspect this thread wouldn't exist.

DaisyDoo90

We never spoke about having children as it was something that was never on my radar or that I ever wanted. Maybe I'm selfish because I don't want my own children when so many people out there struggle to have their own but I can't help my feelings. I thought deep down that he would want it from me but when he told me he doesn't want children I felt someway relieved as now he can look to a vasectomy.

I just can't understand how he thinks breaking up is the best option. How can he see himself hurting me or me hating him if we are now both on the same page in that we both now know neither of us want to have children of our own and that I am happy to live my life with him and his children and help them out and support them in anyway I can

YellowLead

DaisyDoo90 wrote: »

We never spoke about having children as it was something that was never on my radar or that I ever wanted. Maybe I'm selfish because I don't want my own children when so many people out there struggle to have their own but I can't help my feelings. I thought deep down that he would want it from me but when he told me he doesn't want children I felt someway relieved as now he can look to a vasectomy.

I just can't understand how he thinks breaking up is the best option. How can he see himself hurting me or me hating him if we are now both on the same page in that we both now know neither of us want to have children of our own and that I am happy to live my life with him and his children and help them out and support them in anyway I can

What happened when he said that was the reason he wanted to break up - did you reassure him that you do not want children? How did he react to that does he not believe you?

Have you made it clear not wanting children is your own choice, that you are not just making that decision to be with him?

ManOfMystery

ManOfMystery wrote: »

No, hence why I wrote "as may turn out to be the case here". Neither has she ruled herself out of having them. If that was the case, I suspect this thread wouldn't exist.

Pure speculation on your part, then. Which is really disrespectful to the OP. I'm not interested in discussing this any further with you.

The points I made above remain.

DaisyDoo90

YellowLead wrote: »

What happened when he said that was the reason he wanted to break up - did you reassure him that you do not want children? How did he react to that does he not believe you?

Have you made it clear not wanting children is your own choice, that you are not just making that decision to be with him?

When he said it I said thats ok and we can look into it and that at least this way we can make sure there is no accidents. He still feels that if it might cause me to resent him in years to come.

I told him I didn't want children but he did think I was just saying it to try keep the relationship. This is the hardest part as I don't know how to reassure him that it's not and me having biological children is not important as I don't want it all I want is him and his children in my future.

YellowLead

DaisyDoo90 wrote: »

When he said it I said thats ok and we can look into it and that at least this way we can make sure there is no accidents. He still feels that if it might cause me to resent him in years to come.

I told him I didn't want children but he did think I was just saying it to try keep the relationship. This is the hardest part as I don't know how to reassure him that it's not and me having biological children is not important as I don't want it all I want is him and his children in my future.

I don’t know - it’s sounds like he wants to break up whether that is the real reason or there is more - if he loved you and wanted to be with you, surely he would push for the relationship and believe you?
I don’t know what else you can do to convince him you don’t want children. You have been together for years now - have you ever talked about marriage/long term commitment like buying a house together? Could it be that he doesn’t see you as his life partner? Wild speculation on my part, I know.

MissShihTzu

DaisyDoo90 wrote: »

When he said it I said thats ok and we can look into it and that at least this way we can make sure there is no accidents. He still feels that if it might cause me to resent him in years to come.

I told him I didn't want children but he did think I was just saying it to try keep the relationship. This is the hardest part as I don't know how to reassure him that it's not and me having biological children is not important as I don't want it all I want is him and his children in my future.

I'm really sorry OP, but I think you're burying your head in the sand. Your partner's giving you a message. Whether you choose to listen to it or not is another story...

listermint

Personally I'd be suspicious of his motivations here. It all sounds a bit too easy for him and he's found a most convenient coat hook for himself.

forestgirl

DaisyDoo90 wrote: »

He is afraid that he will hurt me in that I may resent him in years to come if I was to change my mind on children

Sorry if I'm being blunt but I think he wants to end it, I wouldn't waste another second on him

1hnr79jr65

How do his children feel about you ?
How well do you get on with them ?
Do the children have any concerns about the family being split and worried about you not being "real" mommy ?
Are you aware of his ex using the children as a weapon to sour your relationship ?

These could be other motives that you are unaware of for his behavior.

LegacyUser

Has he said he wants a vasectomy? Second the fact it seems like easy way out of a relationship "for your own good" especially if you don't want and have never indicated you want kids.

Dark Phoenix

I’ve never wanted kids. It’s not selfish to not want kids. It’s selfish to have kids for the wrong reasons and then not rear them kindly as a result.
Can you sit down with him and explain that you 100% don’t want them? It’s either that he is afraid you will change your mind later and resent him or there’s something else going on that he’s not telling you -to insist on a break up because he won’t believe what you are telling him doesn’t add up. If he’s afraid your not telling the truth and would try to trap him couldn’t he easily get a vasectomy?

LegacyUser

Honestly, it sounds like he just wants out and this is his excuse, and a rather weak one at that. He's not being straight with you in terms of the real reason he wants to break up.

His reasoning makes absolutely no sense. You can't beak up with someone because of how they might feel about something in the future.

That would be like me turning to my wife and saying "I know things are good now but I think we should get a divorce because I think you might not love me in 10 years time."

It's so easy to pick holes in his reasoning. You have told him how you feel about the subject; why does he feel he knows better? Does he think you're only saying you don't want children in a bid to hang on to him? Does he not respect that you're a 31 year old woman who is fully capable of understanding what she wants in life?

Sorry but I'm just not buying it. He's not telling you the full story. In fact he's not telling you the story at all, don't accept his fiction as fact.

Neyite

Is he usually this condescending towards you?

I mean, you've said you don't want kids, everyone that knows you have said that you've never indicated that you want kids, you've spoken of permanent contraception methods yet he thinks he knows you better than you know yourself?

Like the others I'm also wondering if this is a way of him rewriting facts to give him an honourable 'out' of the relationship.

qwerty13

Something just doesn’t feel right about this. Is there anyone in his ear about this OP? Telling him that “all women” want kids? Or does he know anyone who split due to the kids question?

LegacyUser

I know people are saying, like is it really the children issue that is making him do this, or is it just a convenient excuse to break up. Fair enough.

However, I would say, well what does it matter whether it is a genuine reason or just a convenient excuse? I mean, either way, the guy has obviously put thought into it and decided that he does not wish to continue the relationship. That is his perogative. He does not have to justify it with a "valid" reason or have to reverse himself if there is some kind of gotcha put toh him.

Whatever the reason, all that matters is that he is opting out of the relationship. The end result is the same. Ye go yer separate ways. And if he has decided so, the the only option for the OP is to accept that gracefully. It is not on to be trying to catch someone out or cajole them back into a relationship that they have stated clearly that they no longer wish to be a part of.

All you can say to him op, is ask him if the kids issue is genuine or is it some other issue, and it is ok to tell you if so, as you will respect his decision to move on as it is his right. At least when you ask that it will give you some more understanding of the decision.

After that, all you can do is move on in the same way you would after any relationship.

tara73

TheGirlGeraldine wrote: »

I know people are saying, like is it really the children issue that is making him do this, or is it just a convenient excuse to break up. Fair enough.

However, I would say, well what does it matter whether it is a genuine reason or just a convenient excuse? I mean, either way, the guy has obviously put thought into it and decided that he does not wish to continue the relationship. That is his perogative. He does not have to justify it with a "valid" reason or have to reverse himself if there is some kind of gotcha put toh him.

Whatever the reason, all that matters is that he is opting out of the relationship. The end result is the same. Ye go yer separate ways. And if he has decided so, the the only option for the OP is to accept that gracefully. It is not on to be trying to catch someone out or cajole them back into a relationship that they have stated clearly that they no longer wish to be a part of.

All you can say to him op, is ask him if the kids issue is genuine or is it some other issue, and it is ok to tell you if so, as you will respect his decision to move on as it is his right. At least when you ask that it will give you some more understanding of the decision.

After that, all you can do is move on in the same way you would after any relationship.

this makes it sound like it was some kind of business deal, an employee/employer relationship in probation period where both parties can cancel the contract without giving explanations.

This is the relationship forum, my guess is they had an intimate, loving relationship, not for overly long, but 2 years is enough in my opinion to just not break up like that.

Sure he can break up like that, everybody is free to behave like that, but as said, for me, that's a shady character type without basic social skills and after some time of grief and questioning OP, I think you will see yourself that you are well rid.

Metroid diorteM

I disagree with those saying "easy way out" - he could break it off without this kind of confusion.

I think op needs to slam the preference into his face so he knows she's not just saying what he wants to hear.

There needs to be absolutely no ambiguity from the op whatsoever. She needs to prove it so there's no issue later.

Kid decisions are showstoppers. They just are.

Metroid diorteM

Give it to him in writing. If you don't want kids its no big deal to do this.

He's treating this topic with the seriousness it deserves.