Fall out with neighbour over extension

Neveah1989

Hi all. New to Boards but looking for advice. We are building a single story extension to the rear of our semi detached property. I had plans drawn up by an architect and showed the plans to our neighbours. It is within 40sqft so exempt from planning. They have a lean to type extension and when I spoke to them they were fully on board and gave me advice etc. When the builder had built the wall (measuring 3.3m high) the neighbour asked to speak to us and completely attacked us saying he didn't think it would be that high, that he will be loving in a prison for the rest of his life. He went on to say that we never liked them (we were always polite and said hi but we weren't overly friendly with them). Anyway my husband just said that we were well within our rights and he was sorry that they felt this way. I on the other hand am very upset. I was out with the kids the other day and my 5 year old daughter rested her bike against the outside of his wall and he came out and flung it back into our garden. She was so upset by this. Then he cut our shared garden grass and left a line down the middle (how petty?) But I actually laughed at this. But then last night I was speaking to our elderly neighbour who said that nasty neighbour accused us of being racist when speaking with him. I am so upset by all of this. I feel like knocking down the extension. Do you have any advice on what I can do. I really don't want to call into him again as don't want to give him another opportunity to attack us. I feel his pain but I think I would just have a rant to a friend and then accept that I can't do Anything about it? Can I have your thoughts? Thanks- N

Gumbo

Carry on.
Ignore them.

Bananaleaf

Neveah1989 wrote: »

Hi all. New to Boards but looking for advice. We are building a single story extension to the rear of our semi detached property. I had plans drawn up by an architect and showed the plans to our neighbours. It is within 40sqft so exempt from planning. They have a lean to type extension and when I spoke to them they were fully on board and gave me advice etc. When the builder had built the wall (measuring 3.3m high) the neighbour asked to speak to us and completely attacked us saying he didn't think it would be that high, that he will be loving in a prison for the rest of his life. He went on to say that we never liked them (we were always polite and said hi but we weren't overly friendly with them). Anyway my husband just said that we were well within our rights and he was sorry that they felt this way. I on the other hand am very upset. I was out with the kids the other day and my 5 year old daughter rested her bike against the outside of his wall and he came out and flung it back into our garden. She was so upset by this. Then he cut our shared garden grass and left a line down the middle (how petty?) But I actually laughed at this. But then last night I was speaking to our elderly neighbour who said that nasty neighbour accused us of being racist when speaking with him. I am so upset by all of this. I feel like knocking down the extension. Do you have any advice on what I can do. I really don't want to call into him again as don't want to give him another opportunity to attack us. I feel his pain but I think I would just have a rant to a friend and then accept that I can't do Anything about it? Can I have your thoughts? Thanks- N

I would be similar to you, OP and my OH would be similar to yours too. He wouldn't care, but it would really affect me and stress me out too.

We had something minor with the neighbour a while back. All resolved now and it never got to the level that yours has, but it was very stressful all the same. I found myself wanting to move, I was that stressed and upset about it. What worked for me at the time was acknowledging to myself that I don't HAVE TO get on with my neighbours. It would be nice if I did, but I don't have to.

Hopefully your neighbour will reflect on his actions and may even apologise.
Even if he doesn't, he may calm down over time. He could have been having a bad day. It really isn't your problem though and you shouldn't bend over backwards to make him feel better about it either.

Enjoy your new extension! I'd love to be getting one

Vestiapx

thread needs pics, also what race is the neighbour?

Larbre34

Attack him back.

I wouldn't put up with anyone telling other people I was a racist just to get back at me over a perceived slight. Thats absolutely unacceptable and I'd be making a massive issue out of it.

And don't stop building a thing.

Dempo1

Vestiapx wrote: »

thread needs pics, also what race is the neighbour?

Is asking the race of a neighbour appropriate?

JustAThought

Does your neighbour rent or does he own?

Sounds like you went ahead and did it anyway despite his plea so it’s a bit late now to be trying to make it up to him - or is it only still underway?

A ten foot wall outside your window can be a dealbreaker - especially if you’ve begged not to do it. Which I gather he did when he realised. He said he would feel like he was in prison - now he’s put you and your child in one and he’s the jailer.

Is the extension built/finished?

POBox19

Vestiapx wrote: »

thread needs pics, also what race is the neighbour?

The ethnic origins of either party is irrelevant.
Do not bring 'race' into the discussion. This type of thing could happen to two neighbours within the same racial grouping.

Neveah1989

Thanks for your reply.
I am hoping when Its finished he will realise its not bad. At the moment it's a dark grey wall so it does look imposing and ugly . Wish I could be less sensitive but it's just the way I am I suppose 😌

Atlantic Dawn

Have a mobile phone with you whenever chatting to them ready to record if they start acting the maggot.

Bananaleaf

JustAThought wrote: »

Sounds like you went ahead and did it anyway despite his plea so it’s a bit late now to be trying to make it up to him - or is it only still underway?

The bit in bold suggests to me that the OP did discuss with neighbour prior to starting works and he didn't have a problem with it then:

Neveah1989 wrote: »

Hi all. New to Boards but looking for advice. We are building a single story extension to the rear of our semi detached property. I had plans drawn up by an architect and showed the plans to our neighbours. It is within 40sqft so exempt from planning. They have a lean to type extension and when I spoke to them they were fully on board and gave me advice etc. When the builder had built the wall (measuring 3.3m high) the neighbour asked to speak to us and completely attacked us saying he didn't think it would be that high, that he will be loving in a prison for the rest of his life. He went on to say that we never liked them (we were always polite and said hi but we weren't overly friendly with them). Anyway my husband just said that we were well within our rights and he was sorry that they felt this way. I on the other hand am very upset. I was out with the kids the other day and my 5 year old daughter rested her bike against the outside of his wall and he came out and flung it back into our garden. She was so upset by this. Then he cut our shared garden grass and left a line down the middle (how petty?) But I actually laughed at this. But then last night I was speaking to our elderly neighbour who said that nasty neighbour accused us of being racist when speaking with him. I am so upset by all of this. I feel like knocking down the extension. Do you have any advice on what I can do. I really don't want to call into him again as don't want to give him another opportunity to attack us. I feel his pain but I think I would just have a rant to a friend and then accept that I can't do Anything about it? Can I have your thoughts? Thanks- N

Smee_Again

JustAThought wrote: »

Does your neighbour rent or does he own?

Sounds like you went ahead and did it anyway despite his plea so it’s a bit late now to be trying to make it up to him - or is it only still underway?

A ten foot wall outside your window can be a dealbreaker - especially if you’ve begged not to do it. Which I gather he did when he realised. He said he would feel like he was in prison - now he’s put you and your child in one and he’s the jailer.

Is the extension built/finished?

The neighbour saw the plans and was fine with them, until he after the wall was built.

OP ignore the neighbour and finish the extension.

Neveah1989

JustAThought wrote: »

Does your neighbour rent or does he own?

Sounds like you went ahead and did it anyway despite his plea so it’s a bit late now to be trying to make it up to him - or is it only still underway?

A ten foot wall outside your window can be a dealbreaker - especially if you’ve begged not to do it. Which I gather he did when he realised. He said he would feel like he was in prison - now he’s put you and your child in one and he’s the jailer.

Is the extension built/finished?

We spoke to him on 3 occasions. The first time to tell him we planned an extension. Then the next time I took the architects plans into him. Then finally I went in to tell him that the building works were due to start. He was fine on all 3 visits but I suppose he didn't really look at measurements.
He complained when the walls had been built so we weren't going to knock it down.

JustAThought

Neveah1989 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.
I am hoping when Its finished he will realise its not bad. At the moment it's a dark grey wall so it does look imposing and ugly . Wish I could be less sensitive but it's just the way I am I suppose 😌

Arw you going to finish it off and render it properly so it dosn’t look grey and awful from his side on completion?

Is there scope to put a boston climber or evergreen honeysuckle or climbing rose or something on it to make it leas bleak/awful?
Might go a long way...

Dempo1

OP, you've done more than enough to engage with neighbours, indeed to my mind you've done everything correct and proper. I know many who've had no discussions with neighbours and just did what they wanted in terms of extensions.

The sad reality here is there's really not much you can do and to be Frank, the neighbours behaviour regarding the child's bike, speaks volumnes.

My humble advice is ignore the childish antics of the neighbour and as long as your in full planning compliance you've nothing to fear. I would suggest you make one last effort to reach out to cool emotions, perhaps a letter explaining you made every effort to engage and reassure neighbour etc, if only for them to understand you have been more than fair and in no way unreasonable.

Finally, it's unlikely but in the event of a vexatious claim, keep all and any documentation and record of any contacts with neighbours, also keep records of construction, receipts etc, Contractor details also.

I feel tempers will cool but based on your post, there's really nothing you've done wrong, good luck

Neveah1989

Vestiapx wrote: »

thread needs pics, also what race is the neighbour?

It doesn't matter. He accused me of being racist which isn't on. It doesn't have anything to do with anything what race either of us are

alan partridge aha

POBox19 wrote: »

The ethnic origins of either party is irrelevant.
Do not bring 'race' into the discussion. This type of thing could happen to two neighbours within the same racial grouping.

It may well be but the neighbour said they were racist, why though?

alan partridge aha

Neveah1989 wrote: »

It doesn't matter. He accused me of being racist which isn't on. It doesn't have anything to do with anything what race either of us are

Your neighbour thinks it does

James 007

I would tell him that you have stopped the build, submitted a new planning application for a two storey extension & tell him with a big smile that the new wall will be 6.5m high:P

Neveah1989

JustAThought wrote: »

Arw you going to finish it off and render it properly so it dosn’t look grey and awful from his side on completion?

Is there scope to put a boston climber or evergreen honeysuckle or climbing rose or something on it to make it leas bleak/awful?
Might go a long way...

We had asked him what type of finish he would like and he said to dash it as that would match his own extension. We are going to finish with acrylic on the other sides.

Neveah1989

alan partridge aha wrote: »

Your neighbour thinks it does

Because he is annoyed at us and is clutching

Rows Grower

POBox19 wrote: »

The ethnic origins of either party is irrelevant.
Do not bring 'race' into the discussion. This type of thing could happen to two neighbours within the same racial grouping.

Really?

pinkfloyd34

I had a falling out with my neighbour and things got really petty, the two of us acted like children really but it was really stressful and the hate I had built up was taking over my life thinking of what to do next but I realised it was probably going to end very badly so I actually wrote a letter and apologised and said how stressful it was, I left the letter on his car so he called in and to this day we are great neighbours now, but you have done nothing wrong so its a bit different but maybe you could put down your thoughts in a letter and say you are not happy about any of the situation. Its just a suggestion. He can either rip it up or maybe try and find a solution.

Neveah1989

Dempo1 wrote: »

OP, you've done more than enough to engage with neighbours, indeed to my mind you've done everything correct and proper. I know many who've had no discussions with neighbours and just did what they wanted in terms of extensions.

The sad reality here is there's really not much you can do and to be Frank, the neighbours behaviour regarding the child's bike, speaks volumnes.

My humble advice is ignore the childish antics of the neighbour and as long as your in full planning compliance you've nothing to fear. I would suggest you make one last effort to reach out to cool emotions, perhaps a letter explaining you made every effort to engage and reassure neighbour etc, if only for them to understand you have been more than fair and in no way unreasonable.

Finally, it's unlikely but in the event of a vexatious claim, keep all and any documentation and record of any contacts with neighbours, also keep records of construction, receipts etc, Contractor details also.

I feel tempers will cool but based on your post, there's really nothing you've done wrong, good luck

Thank you so much. I hope u are right

Nozebleed

does your neighbour own the house they're currently living in ? if not...tell them to piss off...if they do in fact own it..tell them to piss off.

BaZmO*

OP you’ve gone over and above what would be considered fair and reasonable. Most neighbours would just say they’re building and leave it at that. It’s your property so you’re entitled to build your extension, within regs obviously.

I suppose it really depends on how much you want their approval. If it’s really important to you, you could try one last time to reconcile and then at least you could say that you’ve done your best, but that could just blow up again.

Unless you were really close, it’ll probably make no difference if you just move on from it.

Nigzcurran

pinkfloyd34 wrote: »

I had a falling out with my neighbour and things got really petty, the two of us acted like children really but it was really stressful and the hate I had built up was taking over my life thinking of what to do next but I realised it was probably going to end very badly so I actually wrote a letter and apologised and said how stressful it was, I left the letter on his car so he called in and to this day we are great neighbours now, but you have done nothing wrong so its a bit different but maybe you could put down your thoughts in a letter and say you are not happy about any of the situation. Its just a suggestion. He can either rip it up or maybe try and find a solution.

That’s brilliant to be honest, fair play for sorting it out cause pettiness causes nothing but stress and heartache for all involved

Neveah1989

Nozebleed wrote: »

does your neighbour own the house they're currently living in ? if not...tell them to piss off...if they do in fact own it..tell them to piss off.

They own it but what makes me want to tell them to piss off is that they built their own extension albeit smaller than ours but we didn't have a problem.

Vestiapx

Dempo1 wrote: »

Is asking the race of a neighbour appropriate?

Is calling the op racist appropriate ?

Vestiapx

Neveah1989 wrote: »

It doesn't matter. He accused me of being racist which isn't on. It doesn't have anything to do with anything what race either of us are

Why did he call you racist so?

Treppen

Vestiapx wrote: »

Why did he call you racist so?

Cos she's building a wall

BryanF

I’ve only read the op and not the rest. But that behaviour re your girls bike, needs the Gardaí involved and so does the slanderous racism accusation. All of this is a civil mater and you need to decide whether you want to draw more hassle on yourselfs, personally I’d be calling the Gardaí, but it’s easy for me to say that when I’m not living next to this Ahole. BUT None of this is relevant is this forum as this is the construction and planning forum and from what you’d stated you are within you rights with arch advice/support etc. So suggest you seek legal advice, and think carefully about what you want to say in a public forum in case it’s seen by your neighbour

Dirty Nails

Treppen wrote: »

Cos she's building a wall

That makes perfect sense,because only racists build walls.
Just look at Trump

threetrees

My neighbours built an extension and it's higher than we had thought. He spoke to us and said it'd be whatever height but it's higher. It looked awful being built, grey, dull and dark. We said nothing, no point over a foot of wall..... When the pebble dash went on (white) it transformed the area and it's grand. Your neighbours might be mad now but when it's finished it'll look so different. It doesn't help you now, just be civil to them or avoid, you can't do anymore and you are within your rights. I think the racist talk is really low, that's just uncalled for and irrelevant what race anyone is. Your neighbours sound like a right headache.

cml387

I apologise if I'm missing something, but the OP discussed the extension with the neighbour, and then there seems to be a nine foot wall in the mix.

I'm no planning expert but isn't there a limit to the height of a shared wall?

Dempo1

Vestiapx wrote: »

Is calling the op racist appropriate ?

If you read the OP, it would seem this issue was between seperate people all together, not the OP, but regardless RACE should not be the issue here, a resolution or preparation for lack of are.

Neveah1989

threetrees wrote: »

My neighbours built an extension and it's higher than we had thought. He spoke to us and said it'd be whatever height but it's higher. It looked awful being built, grey, dull and dark. We said nothing, no point over a foot of wall..... When the pebble dash went on (white) it transformed the area and it's grand. Your neighbours might be mad now but when it's finished it'll look so different. It doesn't help you now, just be civil to them or avoid, you can't do anymore and you are within your rights. I think the racist talk is really low, that's just uncalled for and irrelevant what race anyone is. Your neighbours sound like a right headache.

Thanks. We have agreed to dash their wall in keeping with their extension so I am hoping when it's all done they will come round. I don't want to be best friends but civil would be nice

JustAThought

Neveah1989 wrote: »

Thanks. We have agreed to dash their wall in keeping with their extension so I am hoping when it's all done they will come round. I don't want to be best friends but civil would be nice

Well that was nice of you - and an expensive thing to offer to do. I’d take photos of the before and lovely job after if possible. Had you offered that before he got mad at you or was he mad at you despite this?

Dirty Nails

cml387 wrote: »

I apologise if I'm missing something, but the OP discussed the extension with the neighbour, and then there seems to be a nine foot wall in the mix.

I'm no planning expert but isn't there a limit to the height of a shared wall?

I don't think the 9ft is a boundary wall - it's the height of the house wall. It would have to be that unless there was going to be 7ft ceilings

.

The DayDream

BryanF wrote: »

I’ve only read the op and not the rest. But that behaviour re your girls bike, needs the Gardaí involved and so does the slanderous racism accusation. All of this is a civil mater and you need to decide whether you want to draw more hassle on yourselfs, personally I’d be calling the Gardaí, but it’s easy for me to say that when I’m not living next to this Ahole. BUT None of this is relevant is this forum as this is the construction and planning forum and from what you’d stated you are within you rights with arch advice/support etc. So suggest you seek legal advice, and think carefully about what you want to say in a public forum in case it’s seen by your neighbour

Yes, when you call the gardai ask to be connected to the department of bicycle protection and say you want to report a vicious tossing, they'll probably do a garden stakeout to catch the guy.

Vestiapx

Dempo1 wrote: »

If you read the OP, it would seem this issue was between seperate people all together, not the OP, but regardless RACE should not be the issue here, a resolution or preparation for lack of are.

You think the OP isn't an involved party?

Quantum Erasure

cml387 wrote: »

I apologise if I'm missing something, but the OP discussed the extension with the neighbour, and then there seems to be a nine foot wall in the mix.

I'm no planning expert but isn't there a limit to the height of a shared wall?

Is it not 11 ft?

JustAThought

JustAThought wrote: »

Well that was nice of you - and an expensive thing to offer to do. I’d take photos of the before and lovely job after if possible. Had you offered that before he got mad at you or was he mad at you despite this?

Actually its not the "nice" thing to do. Its the least you should do, when you build an extension that impacts on the view from your neighbour's side.

Its very hard to see something like this on a plan, or know the true impact it will have, until its built.

I see this from both sides, having been the person who woke up one morning and wondered why it was so dark, only to pull back the curtains and find my neighbour had build a 12 ft or higher wall reaching down half the length of the garden which put the whole back of my house and garden into full shade, for most of the day, whereas before I had lots of sun.

I got used to it eventually (I made her dash it), but it was very upsetting at the time, and my neighbour gave less than a **** about the impact her extension had on my home and garden.

So yes, while the OP is within their rights to build their extension, sometimes you have to accept the consequences that come with those decisions, and in this case, it has soured their relationship with their neighbour, possibly temporarily, possible not

My advice is leave the neighbour alone and let them cool off. The damage has been done, you're not going to pull down the extension. Don't go adding fuel to their fire with confrontations over "he said she said" stuff, or kid bikes, or whatever. Don't listen to, or engage in with gossip with other neighbours about them - whoever told you they said you were racist, is a ****stirrer, adding to the tensions.

Your relationship with the neighbour may improve in time, or it may not. You might just have to settle for ignoring them.

kowloonkev

The DayDream wrote: »

Yes, when you call the gardai ask to be connected to the department of bicycle protection and say you want to report a vicious tossing, they'll probably do a garden stakeout to catch the guy.

I think the idea is to go to the local station to raise the issue, especially about the accusation of racism. Don't make a complaint or ask for them to intervene at this stage until/unless it escalates further. It's a kind of insurance policy to cover themselves if the neighbour gets out of hand or makes a complaint. It's a good idea to be the first one to contact the gardai and if nothing comes of it then it doesn't matter.

chooseusername

Neveah1989 wrote: »

They own it but what makes me want to tell them to piss off is that they built their own extension albeit smaller than ours but we didn't have a problem.

How very dare you build an extension bigger than mine?

Neveah1989

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Actually its not the "nice" thing to do. Its the least you should do, when you build an extension that impacts on the view from your neighbour's side.

Its very hard to see something like this on a plan, or know the true impact it will have, until its built.

I see this from both sides, having been the person who woke up one morning and wondered why it was so dark, only to pull back the curtains and find my neighbour had build a 12 ft or higher wall reaching down half the length of the garden which put the whole back of my house and garden into full shade, for most of the day, whereas before I had lots of sun.

I got used to it eventually (I made her dash it), but it was very upsetting at the time, and my neighbour gave less than a **** about the impact her extension had on my home and garden.

So yes, while the OP is within their rights to build their extension, sometimes you have to accept the consequences that come with those decisions, and in this case, it has soured their relationship with their neighbour, possibly temporarily, possible not

My advice is leave the neighbour alone and let them cool off. The damage has been done, you're not going to pull down the extension. Don't go adding fuel to their fire with confrontations over "he said she said" stuff, or kid bikes, or whatever. Don't listen to, or engage in with gossip with other neighbours about them - whoever told you they said you were racist, is a ****stirrer, adding to the tensions.

Your relationship with the neighbour may improve in time, or it may not. You might just have to settle for ignoring them.

Thank you Loueze and I completely see it from your view also. I would feel the same if it was me but I think I would have a rant to a friend or family member and not attack my neighbour and take it out on their children.

We are building the extension because we need more space. We can't afford to buy a bigger house so this is our only solution.

We consulted an architect who advised us to do it this way. The roof height only gives us a ceiling height to match our existing house ceiling height. I also spoke with the builder and asked him to be mindful of the neighbors and he spoke with them too and discussed the process and time frames when they would be disrupted.

I don't feel like I could have done anymore. I just don't like the idea of having to be on guard when my kids are out playing. I can get over the pettiness and ignore what the neighbours say but to take it out on children is extremely unfair.

Neveah1989

Quantum Erasure wrote: »

Is it not 11 ft?

The ceiling height matches our existing ceiling height.

Dempo1

Vestiapx wrote: »

You think the OP isn't an involved party?

As explained, I can only judge on OP post which seems to suggest the Racist comments/accusations where made to someone else, not the OP another neighbour entirely who doesn't appear to be involved with the actual dispute.

Besides, it's how the question was asked that I found questionable "what Race are they?" as if that would make the slightest difference in offering an opinion, advice to the OP in resolving the issue. It would seem to me, albeit a humble opinion, bringing racial undertones in resolving any dispute would be entirely counter productive.

Neveah1989

Dempo1 wrote: »

As explained, I can only judge on OP post which seems to suggest the Racist comments/accusations where made to someone else, not the OP another neighbour entirely who doesn't appear to be involved with the actual dispute.

Besides, it's how the question was asked that I found questionable "what Race are they?" as if that would make the slightest difference in offering an opinion, advice to the OP in resolving the issue. It would seem to me, albeit a humble opinion, bringing racial undertones in resolving any dispute would be entirely counter productive.

The remark was allegedly made by my neighbour to another neighbour but has nothing to do with anything as the dispute was about the extension. Up until this we had a good relationship so I think it's just a low blow. As I didn't hear this first hand though I'm not going to make an issue out of it . I will continue to be civil as I do understand their frustrations.
I think I will just let them cool off and hopefully when the works are completely finished it won't be as bad as they expected. I'm hoping we can repair our relationship in time. If not I will just have to ignore them.

Thank you all for your help

Dempo1

Neveah1989 wrote: »

The remark was allegedly made by my neighbour to another neighbour but has nothing to do with anything as the dispute was about the extension. Up until this we had a good relationship so I think it's just a low blow. As I didn't hear this first hand though I'm not going to make an issue out of it . I will continue to be civil as I do understand their frustrations.
I think I will just let them cool off and hopefully when the works are completely finished it won't be as bad as they expected. I'm hoping we can repair our relationship in time. If not I will just have to ignore them.

Thank you all for your help

Good luck, it will in time, work out