New Baby, Constant Fighting

LegacyUser

My wife and I have very recently had a new baby.

We also seem to be constantly simmering and ready to burst at each other and have a few times, over everything and nothing.

I know we're both exhausted but it feels like more than that. It's very sad. I've been told twice to leave the family home. I haven't. And she said sorry afterwards but it's so depressing I almost feel like I should go.

We have a 2 year old also. We fought a lot for the first 6 months of her life.

I don't know if this is somewhat normal or really bad. Nobody talks about the pressures of new babies, just how wonderful it is.

The pregnancies were tense at times with moods and tiredness also.

I'm just very sad about it. Anybody else experience this, did it pass, or did you split?

YellowLead

So sorry to hear you are going through this. How were things before children arrived - was it a solid mutually respectful loving relationship? My guess is if you had a solid foundation you will get through this.

Have you talked about it in so far as you both acknowledging you are both tired and stressed and that you will both make an effort not to take it out on the other? Do you try and take turns so you both get a nights sleep - a few hours in the day alone?

greysgut

I am sorry you are going through this.

This time last year I was going through that too. Our daughter didn’t sleep, most nights I ended up in the sitting room leaving her fall asleep on my chest just to get sleep.

My husband is a good person and a great dad
Many nights I asked him to go home to his mothers. This was down to tiredness, horomones and everything else. I wasn’t thinking straight and I know it upset him but I felt like it was only me that could comfort our daughter and whatever he tried never worked.

You will come out of it. Our daughter only started sleeping through the night recently but it’s great.
We get to sit downstairs and talk and watch tv with no kids.

Give her time and remind her your there if she needs to talk,

SmallgirlBigcity

I think having a baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship. I had no idea until I experienced it. Thank god we had such a strong foundation that we've survived it but I can see how a lot of couples dont. I guess my advice would be to talk, talk, talk. Communication is key. Try to look after yourself and each other. It's such a tough time. And you're not alone in this. A lot of other couples experience it. Best of luck.

Ann84

Absolutely this is normal! Of course people don’t talk about it - well they do with their friends and family probably but it’s part of the stress of being hormonal, exhausted and physically frustrated...
Not only have you guys got a new baby but another baby too... not at all surprised your both worn out.
The fact that you are feeling such sadness and considering an exit (separating) right now is probably because you are wrecked and emotional too... Dads can get post-partum depression so be weary that your not getting the blues - might be worth reading up on symptoms so you can be aware just in case you might need to get some support.
In relation to separating, even if this is something that could happen down the line... now is not the time - even if ye are killing each other it will be ten times more stressful working through a separation while trying to get babies settled so I would suggest parking that idea for a while and trying to figure out how to get through the next few months until you are both in a more steady state both mentally and physically.
This too shall pass... you have a whole family life to live and yes, the start is stressful but separating and going into a world of coparenting and only seeing your kids every second Christmas is not the magic bullet that it may seem!

shreko

I totally understand where you are coming from. We also relatively recently had a baby and have a two year old as well.
It’s been very very hard. He doesn’t sleep and at times we are at each other throats. I feel lost in it all and feel like we are just two people raising the same children rather than a couple.
I hope things can get better. From my end I’m trying. People say make time for your relationship but that’s hard to do in Covid times where there is no where to go or anyone to give you a break and mind your kids for an hour or two.
Anyway, I find a little comfort in knowing others have felt the same. I hope we make it out the other side and I hope you do too OP

The chan chan man

Its normal. It passes.

Rubberchikken

Has your wife spoke to her go/public health nurse about the way ages feeling.
It could be a case of post natal blues that needs looking into

Babies are tough. Lack of sleep. The chaos that they bring. Routine thrown out. Add in a year of lockdowns and it's a wonder more people haven't gone crazy.
You both need to go easy on each other.
Get some help if you can. Get out in the fresh air when you can. Give each other a few minutes break from kids.
Take care

mohawk

Between the tiredness and hormones it’s not an easy time. Do you try to organise it that you take turns with the baby so that you can get a couple hours sleep. Sleep would make a massive difference to you both.
Also look into post natal depression if you feel it’s more then exhaustion going on.
New babies are tough. On social media you see pictures of sleeping babies and it all looks so perfect but very few pictures of parents trying to soothe an upset baby.

gmg678

when myself and my wife had our twins. it was very stressful. trying to do everything, work, raise the children, be a good husband, trying to find time together. but for you add the pressure that is a pandemic and WFH, It can't be good for anyone.

what happen to us was after fighting over everything, something silly was the last straw, she told me she needed a break. she took the kids and went back to her folks for a week,I went up every evening to see the kids and her and we talked, it was an awful time. but 10 years later we are in a better place, It was needed though. you need to talk through it. you guys are tired, you have a 2yr old who needs attention, a new born that needs attention. and you guys that need attention. it seems that most of fighting is just in the heat of the moment, but something could be said that there is no coming back from. You need to tell her how you are feeling, and find out how she is feeling. a nights sleep maybe what each of you need.

Zaney

In my experience there this is unfortunately the norm as opposed to the exception. The impact of having a baby is enormous. I had my second when my first was 2 and it was so much more difficult than just having baby on their own.

Does your wife have a good support structure of other Mums? And you other Dads? Relatives, friends. I used to go to breastfeeding groups for support, your phn should be able to help identify some.

Can the older child go to a playgroup even a few hours a week? Or a relative.

Lean on family for help if you can (and return the favour when they need it). Even if someone can take the older child out for a walk or to the park once or twice a week it can give some headroom. I used to find the days so long and isolating looking after two, any break kept my sanity somewhat intact.

Outkast_IRE

My wife and I had a baby last August 2020 so can certainly appreciate the pressure and stress. Our baby had terrible silent reflux and was born 1 month early . So for the first 4 months colic and silent reflux prevented him from sleeping normally in the cot . So we stayed up half the night each with him . It nearly broke us.

If you can afford to cut back in work temporarily or lessen your workload do. Being able to help out a tiny bit more can make a massive mental difference to the mother .

It's a difficult time for even the most solid relationships and it does require both partners to be utterly selfless for a small while to make it work. Once we approached the 6 month old mark week by week alot of things got easier.

We have no family support due to distances and covid. If you have family offering to help take it .

LegacyUser

Hi OP, just want to echo everything said above. It is an incredibly tough time and puts a massive strain on any relationship. When we were planning for our baby's arrival we expected the sleepless nights but never realized how much that would impact on our relationship. We fought and snapped at each other more in the first 6 months of our newborn than we did in the previous 6 years of our relationship. You have been through this before and I'm sure you know well what I mean.

Eventually things do start getting easier and baby starts sleeping through the night. For me it felt like waking from a dream. I could see and think clearly again and realised how poorly I had coped with severe sleep deprivation. Something small that I could usually ignore would explode and it was like I was unable to think rationally and just would react. My wife had it even harder with night feeds as baby would refuse to take a bottle. In the darkest times I honestly started to question our marriage and our long term future. Thankfully we were able to reconnect once everything settled down, and our relationship has matured and is more honest than before which I hope has left it stronger longterm.

You can only do your best at the moment and you should both try and carve out a tiny little space for yourselves somehow. This will pass, and it will get easier.

Antares35

Hi OP. Sorry this is all going on. It isn't easy. We had a baby a year ago, and have another due in a few weeks. I will say that my mental health took a battering during both and definitely after the first. It wasn't baby blues, but I strongly suspect some kind of perinatal depression. It was so bad during the first few weeks that I told my fiancé after six weeks that I was going back to work. I just felt like at home I was "on the clock" 24/7 with little gratitude, and he got to "hide" in his work from 9-5. I was envious of his lunch break and the fact he got to switch off from domestic stuff while working. This pregnancy has also been a haze of hormones and mood swings, which can be frightening for both parties. I think of the snickers ad where they say you're not yourself when you're hungry. You're also not yourself when you're pregnant (or after!). Only last week we were looking at houses and he told me the one I was looking at was too expensive. I got so upset I told him I'd buy it myself and rent a room back to him so he'd be able to see his kids. This is not what I want at all but that's what the hormones can do! You can be very far away from the person you once were

He was truly amazing, and did more than his fair share, even doing some night feeds and changes despite having to be up early the next day anyway. It still didn't feel like enough and we fought over stupid things all the time. Once our baby started sleeping through a decent bit of the night, things calmed down a good bit. When my parents were finally allowed visit that helped too. Even an hour or two. Don't underestimate the power of an hours sleep here and there. It's all a bank of power, and any way you can add to it with Forty winks will help you both manage challenges a little better.

I would mention to your partner that it might be worth talking it through with a GP/ PHN in case there is anything else going on.

I think covid and lockdowns haven't helped either. We don't have access to the usual support parents have.

Edit, one thing we decided to do from very early on (after I returned to work) was each of us do a weekend morning. So he'd take the baby Saturday morning I'd do Sunday. It meant the other got a few hours of a lie on. Having one guaranteed lie on a week is a life saver. It really can be the difference between coping and not. It becomes something to look forward to! And also gives the other parent time alone with the baby to bond too.

shesty

It's so hard OP.So, so hard.The second one was the one that I found the absolute hardest.I mean the first you know it's going to be tough, but the second...it is hard.Sleep is huge, you can do anything on a night's sleep and when you don't get it, the world is not such a nice place.Add in lockdowns on top of it and I can only imagine the stress.All the usual supports gone, months of going hardly anywhere and seeing hardly anyone and now a new baby....please be nice to yourselves.I don't know what shape that will take, but please try.

I would suggest too that your wife visit her GP and talk about how she is coping.A lot of people are not coping so well and with a new baby thrown in, there is nothing wrong with either of you if you are finding life very tough right now.Ask for help.

Sad Husband

Sad Husband wrote: »

I know we're both exhausted but it feels like more than that. It's very sad. I've been told twice to leave the family home. I haven't. And she said sorry afterwards but it's so depressing I almost feel like I should go.

I think you need to sit your partner down and make her understand in no uncertain terms how ****ty her asking you to leave your home (and presumably your children) makes you feel.

Lashing out at you with that is not fair.