AITA: Friend of Wife

LegacyUser

Ok , i'm going to do my best to keep this short and relevant. I'm not sure how it will go.

Two years ago I started an affair with someone and left my wife of 10+ years. I was sure I had made the right decision while my wife pleaded with me to go back.

A few months later I made a snap decision to go back to my wife. I went back for a very short time but left again. I done this a second and third time over the next few months, staying only for a few days each time.

A year ago I decided to go back again (4th time). Wife was very cautious and wanted to take things slowly. It seemed to be going ok, being friendly and having a cuddle on the couch in the evenings. Then things got a bit distant and I was relegated to the spare room. She started going out for walks in the evening to get some headspace. Over the next two weeks I became more and more anxious as something felt off. She finally told me that she had been meeting up with a guy she met on a night out for walks. I asked her to stop seeing him. She refused but told me I needed to prove to her that I wanted her and should keep fighting. I told her it was not possible for me to do that while she was still going to see this other guy. My anxiety got the better of me and I had a bit of a meltdown and got very suicidal (a whole other story going back a few years) went for evaluation with the HSE psychiatrist who recommended I go back on my drugs (SSRIs) and remove myself from the situation. I made contact with the person I had the affair with as I had little accommodation options (this was the start of lockdown) explained the situation and went to stay with them. I continued having the anxiety attacks and had to take sleeping pills at night and about a week after leaving had a very close suicide attempt which ended with me reaching out to Pieta and doing therapy through them etc. In case it isn't clear, I did not handle her rejection/betrayal well. Fast forward 8 months and I am back in a relationship with the girl i went to stay with and my wife has been in a relationship with this guy since i left. One day while handing over the kids she mentions that they had broken up, when asked why i was told "because he isn't you".

A couple of days pass and we have various conversations over text and i go to visit. I ask her if the children know she and the guy have broken up and she says she had to tell the eldest because "i know this is going to sound bad but they caught me kissing X"

X at this point was unknown to me but turns out to be a parent from the school who the wife babysat on Thursdays evenings for as they had work. They would come collect the kid, stay for dinner, end up staying for drinks and sometimes stay over. On further quizzing they had got drunk previously and he slept in her bed with her. On the night they kissed they planned a "movie night" at his the next day when they both had no kids. The next day it was decided to be a bad idea as my wife had just broken up with the other fella and if anything would happen there would be awkwardness at the school etc.

In the conversations mentioned above my wife had said she would give it her all to make it work between us so i made the decision to go back, again.

One of the first conversations we had I asked her not to develop the relationship with X any further. She protested that we was just a friend and i had nothing to worry about. I explained to her how i was so insecure after how she treated me the last time and i was very paronoid.

As part of trying to rebuild our relationship i moved into my parents. We started couples counselling and X was a constant source of arguments. She would be texting him everyday and hanging out at the playground every day after school. Again, just a friend.

Over the next 6 months there has been various instances that have made me uncomfortable:

1. She took the kids to his one day until 2 am.
2. We had a massive argument (over him) so she took the kids to him at 10 pm, staying the night. She took his bed and he slept in his kids but in the morning he got in beside her and they had a cuddle because she was upset.
3. He came around one night and i was texting her about it, she said he was leaving soon. I knew it was bs so went to the house an hour later and he was still there. On leaving she ushered him out and gave the back of his neck a rub (later acknowledged to be for my benefit)
4. She was quizzing me one night about where i was after an argument, turns out she was going to invite him up but needed to see if i was going to turn up (see no. 3 above)
5. Last night i asked her what was happening and she said not much that the kids were having some sweets. Turns out she had invited him up and he arrived about 22.45 and went after 2.

Theres loads of other little things that bug me too but the general thing is i am extremely insecure because of what she did (I'm fully aware I'm in no way an angel) but she does not respect how her relationship makes me feel.

I should point out that I do not suspect any physical relationship between them. She has been honest about it (although usually after the fact) and has introduced me to the guy. They get on and they play a board game together. She has always protested they are just friends.

I feel like this is an emotional affair and she is having needs met by someone outside of what should be her main relationship. I get that she is cautious of trusting me but now is surely the time to focus on her and I? I think X has been massively friendzoned too which is not fair on him, especially when she uses him against me (the neck rub)

So, am i the a**hole for being so angry/annoyed/upset about this relationship??

shesty

I honestly don't know what you are both at?
You don't seem to trust each other at all. If you can't trust one another, how are you going to make it work?

I assume (and I know there are 2 sides to every argument) that you are not seeing anyone else and you are working on the relationship, but she's running to him every time there's a wrinkle, or she wants to see somebody else? Also your poor kids, what are they meant to think about this - being dragged to this guy's house at all hours of the day and night?

She might not be having a physical affair with him, but if you are trying to patch up a marriage that is very much on the rocks, and in addition, she is one pushing you to come back, then she is going about this all the wrong way.

HalloweenJack

It sounds disatrous.

I agree with you that you can't begin to prepare your relationship while this guy is around but I'd also understand why she might want to keep him around if you now have a proven record of coming and going. She probably doesn't want to be left all alone if you up and leave once more.

It sounds like the trust is gone on both sides and I don't see why you two are trying to reconcile (fwiw, don't 'do it for the kids', you're just kicking the can down the road).

You said you believe she is having an emotional affair because he fulfils some needs that she is lacking. Imo, that's enough to suggest that you aren't/can't give what she needs. This, coupled with the history of your relationship that you have provided, would lead me to tell you to break it off once and for all.

bitofabind

All I could think while reading all of the ins and outs of this incredibly toxic, dysfunctional relationship was what about your poor kids? What does this teach them about relationships and trust and love?

LegacyUser

OP from my reading of this your wife is either trying to punish you for your previous affairs and fickle nature by leaving and coming back repeatedly. Or she's keeping her options open. Possibly both.

She hasn't forgiven you for what you've done to her. You haven't forgiven what she did to you.

It's completely toxic what you are both at. Playing tit for tat and emotional mind games.

And that's fine except there are children involved. It all sounds really immature and toxic.

Either start on a brand new clean slate with counseling and with both of you agreeing to completely cut contact with this X person and you cut contact with your former flame.
And if either/neither of you are willing to do it or to trust the other to do it then this relationship cannot and will not work. In that case call it a day, draw a line under it and work together to provide a happy life for your children as a separated couple.

You devoted all of one line to the thing which brought this about and that was you cheating and leaving your wife of ten years. So no effort at all in confronting what caused that. And you finish, not by asking for advice on how to fix your marriage or solve underlying issues, but by simply asking if you're right or wrong to be annoyed at how she is apparently making you feel.

So yeah, since you asked, YTA for focusing on your feelings about what she's doing in response to your ending of a marriage for another woman followed by repeated comings and goings leaving your family in complete disarray.

tara73

I don't think anyone here in an online forum can help you with this issues. They are too severe and belong in the hand of professionals.

You wrote you got help from the HSE psychatric services before, I suggest you get in contact with them and let them know everything you wrote here and that you need and want help to get out of this unhealthy circles you are in.

osarusan

Bizarre that you would list off the different ways you have treated your wife like crap, then talk about how you are paranoid because of how she treated you in the past.

Whole thing sounds like an absolute nightmare. No honesty, instead just playing games, and torn between wanting to be with somebody and wanting to hurt them, and dragging other people into it to do that.

OP, you need to take a step back everything, and get your head sorted out as to what you actually want, but at the same time acknowledge that you might not get what you want.

ManOfMystery

What a mess of a situation.

It's your kids I feel sorry for. Daddy is here, daddy is gone, daddy is here again, daddy is gone again, Mr X is here, Daddy is back, Mr X is gone, Daddy is gone, etc.

Both you and your wife have been so focused on relationships with other people - for whatever reason - have you never stopped to consider how this looks to your kids, how it makes them feel? What about putting them first and giving them some stability and security?

I think your wife is playing a dangerous game at the moment and trying to stir up jealousy and resentment by keeping you somewhat at arm's length whilst also having some kind of emotional dalliance with this other guy. Is she wrong? Yes, it's immature and also very unfair on him and the kids. However, I also fully understand why she's doing it - you left her for another woman, then messed with her head by repeatedly coming and going. That's what started this whole spiral downwards but you've paid very little lip service to it in your post above and concentrate more on how wronged you feel.

I think if you have your wife have any hope of getting your family back to any kind of normality, you both need a very frank and honest discussion. She needs to quit the current carry on, but you also need to show her that you're sorry for what you did and show her how much you want her and your kids back - which is not a sentiment I note anywhere in your post. The whole thing sounds territorial and there's not much evidence of love or feeling.

LegacyUser

It seems like you want this all your own way, you are very focused on how your wife is hurting you but going by your post it doesn’t appear you fully a knowledge the hurt you have caused. You had an affair, which of course can and does happen so no judgement or criticism there.

However it is the behaviour after the fact which is the most baffling. You have come back into her life 4 times, 3 of which you left again after a short period. Now you’re back for a fourth time and you expect your wife to just carry on and act like everything is fine?

The situation sounds incredibly toxic and it is possible that this other guy serves a purpose of making you jealous or hurting you back but it also wouldn’t be surprising if your wife was genuinely seeking out companionship in this man, you have put her through a lot.

Whatever is going on both of you need to consider how the poor children must be feeling, this trauma will stay with them for life. My advise, move out for good as far a the marriage goes go your separate ways. This relationship will only serve to compound mental health problems so focus on looking after that.

It can be hard to let go after so long but someday you’ll have a lightbulb moment and see this for what it is.

Best of luck

Tork

Would you have come back if things had worked out for you on the "other side"? The impression I get is that your affair and/or your life as a single man didn't pan out as you'd hoped. You got buyer's remorse. All through this, you had your wife in your ear, pleading with you to come home. The subsequent upping and leaving suggests your heart wasn't in this reconciliation and that maybe you came back for the wrong reasons. Your wife knows this too. Her begging you to come back gave her what she wanted but only to a point. You physically came back to the house but she likely feels you've always got one eye on the exit door. Why are you back?

None of this excuses your wife's behaviour. Either she's carrying on in some way with this guy and he could go on to be your replacement. Or she's using him to get back at you for the untold damage you did to the marriage. Neither is good. I feel desperately sorry for your kids, who are coming in at the back of the queue when it comes to consideration. How do you think they feel when they've got all this crap going on at home and their mother getting cosy with another bloke? Kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for. They know far more about what is going on than either of you realise.

I have my doubts as to whether this marriage can be saved. There has been so much damage done to it by both of you, I don't know how you could ever wipe the slate clean and start again. I have my doubts as to how honest the pair of you have been with each other, or if you'll ever fully trust each other again. That's for you to decide - you're the ones in the marriage.

The alternative is to end the marriage and do your best to co-parent in a way that will do the least damage to your kids. The way things are going, your children are getting a very raw deal.

Midnight Sundance

Sometimes you just need to draw a line in the sand and finally admit that some things should not be mended!!
Honestly your relationship is toxic and both you and your wife are so busy worrying about yourselves and how you're feeling and forgetting about what this doing to them..
Just suck it up and admit that you don't work as a couple any more. The poor kids need stability.
Why can't you work on building a proper friendship and raise the children together, separately.
Think about them for once.

Ms. Newbie18

OP, you need to go back to your doctors and talk this through with them. No one on here will truly be able to help you. It seems like your issues started way before you had your affair. And until you sort yourself out, you will not find true happiness with anyone else.

Concentrate on yourself and your children, who are probably terrible confused and upset with all that Is going on.

Goodigal

God all I could think about were the poor children in this whole mess. There are way too many male characters in this story. And not enough focus on what the children are observing or being subjected to.

Your wife is punishing you by being Miss Popular since you hurt her so badly with your affair. But she's making sure you're now being driven mad with jealousy to rub your nose in it. Your history of problems with mental health make this a very risky game because you are going to end up hurt.

Do yourselves a favour and end your toxic marriage and act like mature adults that put their children first. And all the ex partners or alleged friends second.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

To address a couple of points, I have remained on my meds and been in independent counseling since last year and am making strides with getting to grips with how/why i act the way I do and the awareness to change all this.

I have remained focused on this relationship.

I did not mean to diminish my responsibility for starting all of this in my post. I fully acknowledge the pain and suffering I've caused and know full well that I am an a_hole, its just in relation to this X guy that I'm not clear on.

My kids and his kid get on really well and are always looking to go there. I can't disagree that this hasn't been hard on the children but they are always considered and this whole series of events has bettered my relationship with them and we have had some lovely days/weeks between the negativity mentions in my post.

As my wife points out, and I can't disagree with, if X was a woman there would be no problem so is it just my jealousy that's causing a problem??

Neyite

I think you both need to stop flogging a dead horse.

X isn't a friend. She kissed him and he gets into her bed for cuddles. Surely a good friend would recognise that behaviour as being detrimental to their friends relationship and not add to the difficulties. She's not prepared to give him up so you can only do one thing - walk away from the whole relationship triangle and focus on your mental health, your wellbeing and your children.

Ms. Newbie18

am i the a_hole wrote: »

As my wife points out, and I can't disagree with, if X was a woman there would be no problem so is it just my jealousy that's causing a problem??

Personally I would disagree if my partner was cuddling in bed and rubbing on someone who was not me. It would be doubly a no go if they have kissed before. I have male friends and would never be get into bed and cuddle with them especially if they were in relationships. Its a respect thing.

Can play dates for the kids not be made through the other children's mother and your wife?

If you picked your kids up from school and struck up the same kind of intimate relationship with her would your wife be happy? From what you said, I do not think that would go down well.

Midnight Sundance

Neyite wrote: »

I think you both need to stop flogging a dead horse.

X isn't a friend. She kissed him and he gets into her bed for cuddles. Surely a good friend would recognise that behaviour as being detrimental to their friends relationship and not add to the difficulties. She's not prepared to give him up so you can only do one thing - walk away from the whole relationship triangle and focus on your mental health, your wellbeing and your children.

Absolutely agree with this..
Either shes willing to give up this friendship to give your relationship a go, or shes not, which means shes not willing to invest 100percent into the relationship with you.
Tbh I don't think either of you sound like you've fully dealt with your emotions enough to go back Into a relationship together..
Why don't you both try and see if you can be just on your own without other people muddying the water, and if ye both get through that stage, then look what getting back together will be like.

Relationships shouldn't be this much effort. That's my opinion. I know all relationships need work and effort at times but this is more than that.

Work on you, let her get herself together and both of ye focus on your children right now. Not the next bed buddy

Goodigal

@Neyite you are spot on. They're more than friends. No friend calls over at 22.45 til 2am to play board games. Regardless of how friendly their kids are with each other.
And if she had any sense, she wouldn't have informed you of him being there. The game playing needs to stop for both your sakes.

Ms. Newbie18

How many people believe they were actually playing board games until 2am while the kids were asleep?..

Dave147

Ms. Newbie18 wrote: »

How many people believe they were actually playing board games until 2am while the kids were asleep?..

I do, I think a game my wife plays with her friend is called Hide The Sausage. Never been able to find it in shops though so I dunno.

Rubberchikken

Mod note..

Dave147

Helpful suggestions please.

Thanks

Rubberchikken

Rubberchikken

Op
I agree with others. This whole thing is a disaster.
If you both want this marriage to work then you both need to start sorting things out.

You need to keep in touch with your gp/HSE and you wife needs to let this guy go.

The damage you are both doing to your children won't necessarily show up in the near future.

Take care

Airyfairy12

I think you would both be better off out of each others lives and only communicate when it directly relates to your children who are stuck in the middle of this mess of a situation.
OP some people shouldnt be together, no matter how much you think you love someone, when a relationship is bringing out the worst in both of you and causing this much stress and your subjecting each other to manipulation, affairs and mind games, it is time to walk away!
By the sounds of this post youre extremely impulsive and dont give a second thought to the people youre hurting or the consequences of your actions. You jumped back and fourth from your wife to your new woman as you pleased, your wife, instead of telling you where you to go, repeatedly took you back in and is now trying to make you jealous by 'befriending' a man she's already been intimate with. Youre both as bad as each other and have a huge amount of growing up to do as far as I can tell. The only unfortunate thing about this is the fact that children are being subjected to this.
You both need to get your priorities in order because youre doing damage to your kids!

The DayDream

X is not friendzoned hate to break it to ya.

Women don't invite men over at that time of night to be friendly. He's riding the 'babysitter.'

joeguevara

Is it possible that your wife is in a relationship with this guy and doesn’t want to admit it to you because of the way you could react?

am i the a_hole

am i the a_hole wrote: »

Two years ago I started an affair…

Yes, you are. By those who read the rest of it, you need professional help, and I concur with their assessments & wish the women involved the best of luck.

But you asked Am I the A-hole. Damn f*cking straight tou are. Get in front of a professional to work out why & you may partially redeem yourself.

rob316

Oh man my head after reading that.

First off call time on this toxic relationship. You have some serious double standards too, angry and annoyed at how she's treated you and doesn't respect the relationship but you've had numerous affairs.

I just feel so sorry for ye're kids, mammy and daddy are acting without consequence and responsibility.

Please go see a counsellor or psychiatrist

ILoveYourVibes

Hello OP.

I have read your post and had a think.

I am trying to give you advice without judging you.

This is what i am going to say.

Both you and your wife seem to be emotionally unstable. And neither of you seem to be able to help it.


You are in a cycle of on again off again. It often seems like a deep passionate relationship to one of you or both of you and the break ups are usually deeply painful and as passionate etc.

Its also clear that you both have other issues too.

It seems to me that if I were in your position ..i would not want to be with anyone for a while. And i would be trying to stop the effects that this other person was having on me with their actions. I would be trying NOT to react to her or him and what they were doing etc.

I would be single and trying to look after my own mental health.

I don't know if its your backgrounds but there is a lot more going on with you both other than your relationship.

FORGET about the relationship between your wife and this person ...i mean in the greater scheme of things it really doesn't mean anything at this stage.

Both of you have a lot of work to do on YOURSELVES as separate people. And the relationship is more fueled by each of your dysfunctions as individuals than anything else.

Nobody is the bad guy here not you or the wife. I think you just seem like very hurt vulnerable people. And that probably stems back from way way back longer than your relationship. I would say it goes into childhood.

I think you both need to work on getting evolved enough to get better.

I hope you can.

I hope you take this in the way its meant.

This is terrible for both of you. And even worse for your children.

LegacyUser

am i the a_hole wrote: »

I did not mean to diminish my responsibility for starting all of this in my post. I fully acknowledge the pain and suffering I've caused

It's so much more than pain and suffering, being left 4 times will have caused her emotional trauma and that rewires the brain. The chances of her ever feeling safe and secure enough with you to give it her all are incredibly slim without a lot of time and therapy because every part of her brain will be screaming at her to protect herself because she can't trust you. Every time you get closer she will feel more vulnerable which will make her behave destructively and want to keep other men close so at least she's not relying on just you!

I am not saying that as an excuse for her, but as an explanation, and it's something that you need to understand is very rarely going to be fixable so I am saying it so that you can see that you are flogging a dead horse as other posters have said! It's like you think she has a simple choice to give up the friend and commit to you, but it's just not nearly as simple as that when a person has suffered trauma.

You also sound incredibly hypocritical, not only going on about how badly you were treated, which sounds like nothing compared to what you put her through before that, but also the way you say that her friend is friendzoned which is unfair to him. It sounds like you have been incredibly unfair to your affair partner and treated her badly too. Going back to your wife and then turning back to your affair partner because you needed somewhere to stay, getting back into a relationship with her and then leaving her again for your wife!
Now I know that most people don't have much sympathy for affair partners, but as you were the one sleeping with her, living with her and in a relationship with her you should be able to see her as a human and see how unfair it was to her also, so to say it's not fair on your wifes friend to be 'friendzoned' just sounds a bit off to me, because by the sounds of it you'll be back to the other woman soon enough if your wife doesn't drop this other guy!

Katgurl

This whole setup is ridiculous. Of course he's not her friend.

I cannot believe how much you skimmed over the fact you went back and forth between your wife and your mistress yet focus on details like one evening or morning your wife has spent in this man's company. How many sneaking around and illicit rendezvous have you been involved in? Totally disgusting behaviour leaving over and over. These are human beings you were playing with. I suspect your only motivation was trying to figure out what you wanted.

I don't know why the two women tolerated it (does your mistress know you only moved in because you needed a place to stay) but they are not here to ask. And just because someone is open to maltreatment doesn't mean you are entitled to take advantage.

Regardless you are where you are now and that place is a total mess. You have children. Can I assume you have given them the same lack of thought you have afforded everyone else? They are living in chaos and could well suffer anxiety their whole lives as a result.

Move out. Get mediation to help set up two stable homes. Start using what's in your head to make decisions instead of what's in your pants.