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Fertility issues in my 20s

  • 11-05-2021 8:36pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    I’m 27. A number of women in my family experienced premature menopause. They were all in their early 30s. So I decided a few weeks ago that I would go to the doctor to see how things were looking just in case.

    Today I found out that I have 1 year (at best 2) to have a baby. They also suggested egg freezing, but said that there’s no guarantee it would work. They basically told me I have no time to waste.

    I’m with my boyfriend for about 3 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and he has had some problems which he has worked on, but for the most part it’s a solid relationship. He knows about this predicament and is supportive. He says he would love to have a baby (and has said this for a long time), and that we will find a way to make things work. I do think he would be a good father, but I think he is kind of immature at times. I could say the same thing about myself.

    I just don’t know what to do or how to feel. I feel like I am rushing into it if I do get pregnant. I feel stupid for staying with someone I wasn’t so sure about having kids with for so long. Although I feel like I would be cautious no matter who it was because of my childhood, as my parents were separated and were so toxic towards each other.

    I can’t afford to buy a house, and we would barely have enough to rent our own place. I feel like I am such a burden if I was living with my mother at 27 with a baby (She has always said there she would have no issue if I lived there and had a baby). Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I always thought I would have my own place if I was having kids. I have been hoping to build a house on a site promised to me by a family member but I am uncertain if I will be able to get enough of a loan. We are both working but wouldn’t be on the best wages.

    I guess I feel that I would always regret it if I can’t have a baby as it was always something I wanted to do, yet I am feeling so hesitant because I didn’t think this would happen to me so early. I’m not even sure what advice I’m looking for, just felt I needed to get this out.


  • Registered Users Posts: 69 ✭✭shreko

    That's a really difficult situation to be in at 27, sorry you are going through this. As you say, non one can really tell you what to do.. its a decision you have to make yourself.

    I've been through several rounds of IVF and as a result have a bit of an idea about egg freezing and in my opinion its not the safety net people think it is. In my experience a large number of eggs doesn't always guarantee a large number of embryos (what you are really looking for)
    I've done three IVF cycles, in my first I got 10 eggs, 1 embryo and 1 baby. In my second cycle I got 12 eggs, 2 embryos and no baby and in my third I got 9 eggs, 4 embryos and 1 baby. And none of those eggs ever went through a freezing/thawing process which adds another level of risk to the process.
    So out of 31 eggs I got two babies, and Im very lucky to get that. I just feel when girls freeze their eggs they arent always given the information that a large number of eggs doesn't always equate to a large number of (or any embryos). I know someone who has frozen her eggs and has 10 frozen and feels she has future proofed her family and I just feel that is irresponsible of the clinic not to inform her than 10 eggs is, in IVF terms, not really a huge number when it comes to corresponding embryos and then babies.
    Just something to bear in mind.. you could need to do a few rounds of IVF to get a good number of eggs to freeze.
    Anyway.. Im going on....

    If you see a potential future with your boyfriend but dont feel ready for a baby now going through the process with him and freezing embryos would increases your chance of a baby far more than freezing eggs. But obviously those embryos would be half his and if you broke up in the future you would need his permission to use them (should you want to) and he might not give it.

    Its all a bit of a minefield and I feel awful for you having to make decisions like this at such a young age.

    The one thing I will say is there is never a right time to have a baby... there will always be reasons to wait. But if you go for it you will figure it out, and you will never regret it. You might wish you could have had better options but you will never regret having your baby.

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    Thanks so much for your reply.

    They did say something similar to what you mentioned about egg freezing. I didn’t realise so many eggs could give such a low yield though. I feel like I couldn’t rely on it really and by then even more time would have been wasted.

    You are right to say there will always be a reason not to. I think I will regret more if I don’t do it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 581 ✭✭✭heretothere

    If you think any issues with your boyfriend are small and fairly normal, also that he would make a good father I think I'd try for a baby. You've said he wants a baby too and ye are together 3 years so you know him well.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,525 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    If you think any issues with your boyfriend are small and fairly normal, also that he would make a good father I think I'd try for a baby. You've said he wants a baby too and ye are together 3 years so you know him well.

    I would be in agreement with this. Given your particular last chance saloon situation and your boyfriend wants the baby too.

    However - maybe plan out or even discuss with your partner how things would work if things didn’t work out between you - eg shared custody etc. Would he support financially and would you let baby stay over with him etc. Sounds like a pain by this I would recommend every parent to be to think through!

  • Registered Users Posts: 170 ✭✭rainemac

    As someone who experienced fertility issues in their 20's and wanted a child previous to knowing, I wouldn't waste that time again. We parent a beautiful adopted daughter and she is more special to us than any biological child could have been. If only we knew then what we now know.
    If becoming a parent wasn't yet on the cards then I wouldn't rush it just because a clinic says you should, you don't seem quite sure if the guy your with is THE ONE. and co-parenting with an a**hole is SUCH hard work, assuming he could potentially become one.
    Freeze your eggs and live your life and there are other options down the line than biological babies.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 170 ✭✭rainemac

    Also 100% do not freeze embryos. Should you break up you could end up with no access to your eggs/embryos. I wouldn't trust what he would commit to now would be what he would follow through on.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    “But if you go for it you will figure it out, and you will never regret it. You might wish you could have had better options but you will never regret having your baby.”

    I’m not trying to be controversial, but this isn’t true. I imagine it is for a lot of people, but it is simply not true for everyone. Life can be very tough, and there are people for whom it is incredibly difficult to figure it out, and who do have regrets. Possibly slightly taboo, but not everyone can truly say that they have never regretted having their baby.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,368 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12

    You really want a baby by the sounds of it so I say go for it, you have a partner whose supportive of that decision and wants a baby also, everything else is your anxiety talking!
    I dont think theres ever a right time to have a baby, there will always be something to warrant putting it off another year but if its something you really want and with limited time to make it happen then just go for it! Everything else will work out or can be dealt with.

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,066 ✭✭✭✭fits

    It hasn’t been mentioned yet but egg donation is another option that may be open to you down the line.

    Also there is an early menopause clinic in the rotunda. Get your go to refer you.

    There can be several genetic causes for poi so bear that in mind too.

    It’s shocking news to get. Big hug.