Fiance want to end our relationship

FrankC21

Hi,

This is by far the last resort putting my problem out here in boards.ie, We're not married, we already have a 7 month old baby and recently got a mortgage.

she's burn out, depressed and she want to end our relationship, she says I am not doing enough for the relationship that I am not putting in more effort in our family time.

Problem

1. She argued We don't go out as much "family time" and but we talked about this before and decided that we set aside 1 day to go out visit landmarks, gardens. Last tuesday we went out into war memorial phoenix park to take pictures of cherryblossoms with the baby, we enjoyed that, we brought food and blanket sit on. Then last weekend were both off, but we didn't go anywhere nor planned anything because we stayed home to catch up with chores and other things she needed to sort document to submit for her new job and obviously mind our baby, i had to do chores and stuff around the house. Then sunday I changed my mind and didn't do what I am supposed to do which is take an online assessment to get into college so I told her that I had to postponed it cause I feel tire and do tuesday instead, she got extremely angry and shouted why and argued we just spoiled the beautiful day we could have go elsewhere, that's how it started. So I argued and said we have plenty of things to do around the house, like clean, mow the loan and finalise her docs. But she got annoyed even more, so I ended up doing the back garden instead.

I don't know really, I was wrong on my part aswell, I should have done the online assessment, I am a good guy, I can't remember last time I got drunk, I don't go out anywhere else, I don't go play around with other girls, I don't even play video games anymore like other people I know, I work hard to put food and pay bills, I do most of the household chores like, cause I know she's tired with the baby, And I just feels like she don't see those things.

we postponed planning our wedding cause we decided to put majority of our savings for house deposit and she keeps throwing that to my face that I was not thinking or planning our wedding future and that it's me who insisted to get a house. Now she want a talk and feels that our relationship isn't going nowhere. Most of the time that we argues she have a raised voice and curse, I tried to be calm and carefully choose my words but each time I raise a point she always have a pretty good reason.

Idle Passerby

Its very hard at the moment to be at home with a baby all day every day. Very little opportunity to meet friends/family and have some adult interaction. Until recently there was very few places to go within 5km. If there's bad weather you could be totally housebound for days on end. So I can see how she might be depressed/frustrated/irritable.

Ending the relationship seems a big step though if that's the only problem. You seem to be doing your best to make sure she isn't overwhelmed with housework so there may be more to it. You need to talk to her to find out what is really bothering her.

harr

FrankC21 wrote: »

Hi,

This is by far the last resort putting my problem out here in boards.ie, We're not married, we already have a 7 month old baby and recently got a mortgage.

she's burn out, depressed and she want to end our relationship, she says I am not doing enough for the relationship that I am not putting in more effort in our family time.

Problem

1. She argued We don't go out as much "family time" and but we talked about this before and decided that we set aside 1 day to go out visit landmarks, gardens. Last tuesday we went out into war memorial phoenix park to take pictures of cherryblossoms with the baby, we enjoyed that, we brought food and blanket sit on. Then last weekend were both off, but we didn't go anywhere nor planned anything because we stayed home to catch up with chores and other things she needed to sort document to submit for her new job and obviously mind our baby, i had to do chores and stuff around the house. Then sunday I changed my mind and didn't do what I am supposed to do which is take an online assessment to get into college so I told her that I had to postponed it cause I feel tire and do tuesday instead, she got extremely angry and shouted why and argued we just spoiled the beautiful day we could have go elsewhere, that's how it started. So I argued and said we have plenty of things to do around the house, like clean, mow the loan and finalise her docs. But she got annoyed even more, so I ended up doing the back garden instead.

I don't know really, I was wrong on my part aswell, I should have done the online assessment, I am a good guy, I can't remember last time I got drunk, I don't go out anywhere else, I don't go play around with other girls, I don't even play video games anymore like other people I know, I work hard to put food and pay bills, I do most of the household chores like, cause I know she's tired with the baby, And I just feels like she don't see those things.

we postponed planning our wedding cause we decided to put majority of our savings for house deposit and she keeps throwing that to my face that I was not thinking or planning our wedding future and that it's me who insisted to get a house. Now she want a talk and feels that our relationship isn't going nowhere.

Life isn’t a bed of roses , and it sounds like she might have a bit of growing up to do . She might have a notion of what happy families are meant to be like.
All fine getting days out and having the perfect Sunday with the family but the boring mundane Household and work issues need to be done as well .
We take Saturdays as our at home day to get stuff done and sometimes that filters into Sunday as well.
I think the likes of social media and what other people post up make some people feel inadequate about their own family life and see others as having a better life.
I think you need to have a serious word because this isn’t going to get any better unless you discuss it with her and discuss what priorities are needed around the house.
It Would be a head wreck for me anyway To have all my free time planned out to the minute.
It’s fine having family days out , it’s needed and a nice thing to do but chilling out with nothing planned can also be nice.

FrankC21

harr wrote: »

Live isn’t a bed of roses , and it sounds like she might have a bit of growing up to do . She might have a notion of what happy families are meant to be like.
All fine getting days out and having the perfect Sunday with the family but the boring mundane Household and work issues need to be done as well .
We take Saturdays as our at home day to get stuff done and sometimes that filters into Sunday as well.
I think the likes of social media and what other people post up make some people feel inadequate about their own family life and see others as having a better life.
I think you need to have a serious word because this isn’t going to get any better unless you discuss it with her and discuss what priorities are needed around the house.
It Would be a head wreck for me anyway To have all my free time planned out to the minute.
It’s fine having family days out , it’s needed and a nice thing to do but chilling out with nothing planned can also be nice.

That's exactly it the fcking social media a big factor, i think she keeps picturing this happy perfect family, laughing sitting down out in the green grass surrounded with lovely flowers.

Neyite

There's a few things at play here
- lockdown - you can do very little with the baby during Level 5. And especially with such a little baby. At that age, they don't do much. So things like a movie night or backyard camping won't be any use. Maybe a back yard picnic if the baby is on baby led weaning.
-social media - none of us are cataloguing family stuff or days out because there's nothing to bloody well do right now.
-isolation, for both of you, affecting you both in different ways. She wants to organise stuff, you want to do the chores that need to be done and be laid back about the rest.
- her anxiety maybe at going back to work, leaving the baby, wondering about childcare etc. Those things are stressful after maternity leave.
- house and wedding - well, they say that the three most stressful things in life is a house move, a baby and getting married so you guys did a lot in a relatively short space of time AND during a pandemic which a lot of people are finding difficult.

She might feel it's important to get married. And in lots of ways with a baby and a house, it is important from a legal point of view.

I think you need to have a clear the air conversation to establish does she really want to split up or is she saying that to change something. Because if she says it's over, then you have to respect that and begin the process of working out what to do with the house and figure out shared care of the baby, but if she's saying it because she's unhappy, then you both need to figure out why, and both of you work out how to change that for you all. But compromise needs to be here. You bending over backwards to make her happy at the expense of your own wants and needs will in turn, make you unhappy in time. So you both need to find out how to meet in a middle both of you can be happy with - and that takes proper communication. Do you think you would benefit from speaking with a counsellor initially to see if you can improve communication between you?

FrankC21

Neyite wrote: »

There's a few things at play here
- lockdown - you can do very little with the baby during Level 5. And especially with such a little baby. At that age, they don't do much. So things like a movie night or backyard camping won't be any use. Maybe a back yard picnic if the baby is on baby led weaning.
-social media - none of us are cataloguing family stuff or days out because there's nothing to bloody well do right now.
-isolation, for both of you, affecting you both in different ways. She wants to organise stuff, you want to do the chores that need to be done and be laid back about the rest.
- her anxiety maybe at going back to work, leaving the baby, wondering about childcare etc. Those things are stressful after maternity leave.
- house and wedding - well, they say that the three most stressful things in life is a house move, a baby and getting married so you guys did a lot in a relatively short space of time AND during a pandemic which a lot of people are finding difficult.

She might feel it's important to get married. And in lots of ways with a baby and a house, it is important from a legal point of view.

I think you need to have a clear the air conversation to establish does she really want to split up or is she saying that to change something. Because if she says it's over, then you have to respect that and begin the process of working out what to do with the house and figure out shared care of the baby, but if she's saying it because she's unhappy, then you both need to figure out why, and both of you work out how to change that for you all. But compromise needs to be here. You bending over backwards to make her happy at the expense of your own wants and needs will in turn, make you unhappy in time. So you both need to find out how to meet in a middle both of you can be happy with - and that takes proper communication. Do you think you would benefit from speaking with a counsellor initially to see if you can improve communication between you?

Thank you, but with wedding, i find it hard to plan especially with pandemic and funds. That's why i can't plan properly. I really think shes just unhappy with the way things are and she see me as not doing anythinh about it. How can we improve communication between us.

Tork

I think that's where a counsellor should help. You're both very stressed and struggling to communicate. An experienced third party mediating between you would move things past the current impasse. An awful lot of stressful one-off things have come in on top of you both, leaving you both feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and miserable. This isn't a relationship that you can just walk away from and maybe it can be saved if somebody can show you the way out of the woods.

Neyite

FrankC21 wrote: »

Thank you, but with wedding, i find it hard to plan especially with pandemic and funds. That's why i can't plan properly. I really think shes just unhappy with the way things are and she see me as not doing anythinh about it. How can we improve communication between us.

Weddings right now are a minefield - I postponed ours from last year and don't know whether we are postponing again or just going ahead with the bare basic ceremony. So I hear ya there. Now, not long after our son was born I was very concerned about the legal side of things - that could be on her mind.

So start with talking - a simple question "do you really want to break up or do you want to talk about how we can fix where we are unhappy?" if she says she wants the latter, then your next question might be, "do you want to have a wedding or a marriage?" A wedding has all the bells and whistles that you want, a marriage is a civil ceremony that costs you €200. The good thing is that many of us are being creative with our weddings due to the pandemic. We are probably doing the ceremony with just two witnesses this year and if we can, do an overnight in a hotel sans kid to have a night to enjoy being married. Then next year we are doing a blessing in our original venue with the guests when they can travel again for it and our honeymoon (postponed from last year but unlikely to go ahead this year either) It's not what we wanted, but being married is important and we'll still get kind of the day we wanted. So kind of like church bit this year and reception next year.

If she wants to be married, and is happy to go ahead with just two witnesses and a civil ceremony then you could offer to do the paperwork side of things.

My OH is like you - he feels that we are as good as married. He sees us being parents as more of a commitment than a marriage, and in lots of ways he's got a point - a kid is a longer commitment to agree to when a marriage can be dissolved within two years...He's focused on the roof over our head, doing what needs to be done for our home, and he's literally not given one hoot what kind of wedding I plan. He'll draw the line if I wanted him to wear something mad, but other than that, he actually doesn't care about the details of a wedding. But he does care about how I feel, so is happy to go along with pretty much whatever I'd like. For a while I did wonder if his apathy for wedding planning was indicative of his enthusiasm for our relationship until he explained to me that he dislikes all the fuss of a wedding but he does want to be married. Maybe your partner is feeling similar?

Neyite

The other thing, when's the last time you two had a date night? I know we've all had a dearth of those because of the pandemic, but is there any way that you could get someone to take the baby overnight, cook something nice, get properly dressed up and have a candlelight dinner at home with a bottle of wine?

We did something similar when our baby was about that age and we were stone broke, and it was really lovely.

LegacyUser

You say you can't remember when you last got drunk, don't play video games like others etc...don't compare yourself to others..that's weak. Shes marrying you, no-one else.

Two sides to every story but she's upset that you aren't spending quality family time together so look deeper into the situation. She clearly doesn't want to end the relationship, she's desperate to be seen by you.

spaceHopper

FrankC21 wrote: »

I am a good guy, I can't remember last time I got drunk, I don't go out anywhere else, I don't go play around with other girls, I don't even play video games anymore like other people I know, I work hard to put food and pay bills, I do most of the household chores like, cause I know she's tired with the baby, And I just feels like she don't see those things.

These a book called no more mr nice guy and the above could have come out of it. Maybe read it.

You're doing everything you think she wants but it's not really what she wants and you aren't getting what you want too also maybe you are a bit grumpy too as result.

Basically, establish a routine, putting the baby to bed together can be part of that part of family time, I really enjoyed it with my kids and the routine 1000% stands to you later.

Could she have postnatal depression can you get her to go to or talk to her GP?

You can't 100% plan your day/weekend sometimes you just don't feel like it or sometimes you just want free down time. So don't commit to it but don't say I wont because I'm doing xyz either as you'll be called out for it and still have to do xyz later.

I think she is being very unfair, and needs to grow up A LOT.

You need to talk to her and tell her how unfair it is that she is berating you for things that are outside of your control at the moment (e.g. funds for wedding), and that she needs to re-evaluate her expectations, as it appears she has unrealistic ideas of what "family life" entails. Its not all instant gratification and pretty pictures for social media.

She also doesn't get to call all the shots - like planning all your free time, or when you do your college assessment. You are an adult. That is controlling behaviour.

Definitely seek some counselling - or else you'll find yourself out on your ear and paying the mortgage on a house you won't be allowed to live in, until your 7 month old is 23 years of age and finished education!

Also as an unmarried father, get your guardianship rights to your child established. Thats my advice.

JustAThought

Maybe she really does feel bored, unfulfilled generally in life and that the baby is not the disney utopia she thought it might be but is hard thankless mundane work. You have said she is depressed. She probably is.

You say she has identified that she wants one special family day a week - it dosn’t seem to difficult to apologise for last week and commit to that. You said you decided to do the online assesment on Tuesday instead - why Tuesday? Why not Monday or Thursday or Wednesday or any other day - Tuesday was already spoken for and set aside. I feel her frustration. Now imagine it was the only thing you were looking forward to. On top of being bored and frustrated she was now also let down. Not great. Especially if you are already depressed to start with.

Lots of new mothers feel isolated and struggle with ‘baby blues’. Lots of mothers join up mother & baby suoport groups or pram walking/ post natal exercise classes - not for the actual advise or exercise so much as the sisterhood & friendships they bring. A local noticeboard or community area facebook site might have a few suggeations.

There is also the online mothers & baby group ROLLERCOASTER & they used organise meetups & all kinds of different things. Look it up - it might offer some social and enjoyable distractions that she can join in with your baby.

There will ALWAYS be more housework & chores waiting to be done. You need to decide what can not be done & let it go. A romantic night out or walk and coffee is more important to her at the moment - something she can enjoy & look forward to.

Her self esteem may be low. Her body may not be the same or she may hate its new shape and feel unloved or , worse, unloveable. Help her feel lived and special by complimenting her - saying she has a glow, her skin looks really fabulous since ahe had the baby, she has a new special aura etc
Bouy her up with kind words. They don’t all have to be 100% factually true!!

Don’t let the/a big expensive wedding become her new focus. You will be adding stress, debt and unknown covid 19 restrictions and travel /quarentine variables to your stress. As well as giving her something to pin her hopes on that could end up spiralling out of cost control and adding even more stress to your lives financially ,logistically and competitively.

Have you tried
- bringing her flowers
- telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is
- telling her how much you admire how she is bringing up your little baby
- reminding her of past happy times you shared together
- discussing small things you can all do locally when the covid 19 reatrictions lift
-looking up things to do that you might enjoy as a family and making a list for when things re-open eg - a family day to the zoo (opens soon!)
- babys first swim/paddle by the sea
- a picnic & walk in a place you havn’t been to before - look up OPW sites they are often in parklands
- can your partner take some time to skype or zoom her family or old friends - make it a once a week thing for her - maybe she is lost and lonely

Is there a local group for moms and toddlers in her own language that she can join - again fb might help.


I know this all seems to focus on her but you did say she was fed up and depressed and complaining about the lack of romance/ you & her time. Her body may be wrecked by the baby, she may be feeling old and fat, her nice clothes might not fit her anymore, she mY have spent the past year wearing smocks she didn’t like or that didn’t flatter her - its a lot to put up with on top of boredom, fatigue,isolation, lonlieness and depression. Show her you care, don’t leave her to guess it or know it. Be the rock she wants to build her foundations on when she most needs that kindness, love, support and the old excitement of the chase and romance.

FrankC21

FrankC21 wrote: »

Last tuesday we went out into war memorial phoenix park to take pictures of cherryblossoms with the baby, we enjoyed that, we brought food and blanket sit on.

I think you misread about Tuesday. He didn't let her down or disappoint her about Tuesday. They had their day out.

FrankC21 wrote: »

Then last weekend were both off, but we didn't go anywhere nor planned anything because we stayed home to catch up with chores and other things she needed to sort document to submit for her new job and obviously mind our baby, i had to do chores and stuff around the house.

Perfectly normal. Many people hang out at home and catch up on household stuff at the weekend.

FrankC21 wrote: »

Then sunday I changed my mind and didn't do what I am supposed to do which is take an online assessment to get into college so I told her that I had to postponed it cause I feel tire and do tuesday instead, she got extremely angry and shouted why and argued we just spoiled the beautiful day we could have go elsewhere, that's how it started.

.
The OP was perfectly within his rights to decide when to do his assessment - and especially for the reason given! He did not break any plans when he changed his mind, there were no plans.

FrankC21 wrote: »

I don't know really, I was wrong on my part aswell, I should have done the online assessment, I am a good guy, I can't remember last time I got drunk, I don't go out anywhere else, I don't go play around with other girls, I don't even play video games anymore like other people I know, I work hard to put food and pay bills, I do most of the household chores like, cause I know she's tired with the baby, And I just feels like she don't see those things.

The OP is not wrong to expect a little acknowlegement for the things he does do, instead of just being told he needs to do more.

FrankC21 wrote: »

we postponed planning our wedding cause we decided to put majority of our savings for house deposit and she keeps throwing that to my face that I was not thinking or planning our wedding future and that it's me who insisted to get a house. Now she want a talk and feels that our relationship isn't going nowhere. Most of the time that we argues she have a raised voice and curse, I tried to be calm and carefully choose my words but each time I raise a point she always have a pretty good reason.

She sounds very unreasonable to me. I would not be pandering to this type of behaviour, by buying her flowers or bending over further to please her. I would also not put up with the shouting or the cursing. If she wants to talk, she needs to remain calm and civil.

Being a new mother is hard, but it is not an excuse for treating your partner badly. Ever. And its not like the OP isn't pulling his weight because it sounds like he is.

Tyrone212

Last paragraph. Sounds like she's trying to guilt trip you in to marrying her ASAP with a subtle hint of that's it if we don't.

LegacyUser

Not playing video games doesn't make you a good husband. Not cheating doesn't make you a good husband. It doesn't make you a scumbag, but it doesn't make you a good husband. How low are your own standards?

She's had a baby. Her body has changed. Her life has changed. Everything she knew has changed. Yours has too, but to a lesser extent. The isolation that comes from being at home with baby, the hormones..

Talk to her... but my God... listen to her..really really listen to her.

hello2020

FrankC21 wrote: »

Hi,

she's burn out, depressed and she want to end our relationship, she says I am not doing enough for the relationship that I am not putting in more effort in our family time.
.

i think you know the problem here as you say 'she's burn out, depressed '...
its very normal with a new born and lock down.. she thinks ending relationship is solution but it's not as it will just make things worse for her n baby and you.

do you help her with taking care of house work and baby?
i used to take care of my babies (twin infants + toddler) after finishing my work.. (like feeding dinner, baby bath and putting them to sleep)..
this will give your wife 2-3 hours every evening and bring back some sanity...
or you can take care of baby during the day and let her go out/sleep for couple of hours ..

JustAThought

I think Tuesday was the say set aside for cute family outings and her disappointment after the first lovely day was when they spent the weekend doing administration & chores and the following Tuesday was then allocated for another important responsibility - online asesment assumedly for future learning and progress.

Your partner needs to be depressed and leads a lonely unfulfilled life . Your/ Her dream of living in Ireland is hard, expensive and a struggle - and maybe lonely, her/ your dream of a baby is not what she anticipated or she might not bicker so much and be so resentful and depressed, no doubt the same misery might arise over the house or the wedding day/dress/costs etc. Life in Ireland as a working adult is hard, expensive and unless you have a good job with a good income and keep an eye on the overheads and spending can quickly become a work to exist scenario.

I’d be working with her to address what the root of her depression and misery is and address the root causes because a house or a dress or one big day that costs you 10,000 or 15,000 is not going to fix it either.

Charlie-Bravo

Brand new baby, things are going to be tough. This is from my perspective as a guy who's been through it...

She is undoubtedly sees you as someone not pulling their weight as she gave birth to your child. The only way to prempt that attitude is to do everything you can to take the pressure off her! Get up in the middle of the night, be first up in the morning, sort bottles, etc etc.

You have a kid now and your relationship is sort of on hold. Remember she has had the kid, hormones are going to be a little all over the place. It's not your fault, but bare this in mind that nothing you say will register as a contribution so transfer your energy to doing everything for your kid.

And by doing this, everything else will sort itself out. It'll be a while, but it'll be better.

Antares35

Hi OP really sorry to hear about the situation you're in. Can I offer my own experience, which might or might not help. We had a baby 11months ago and my fiancé is very like how you describe yourself - good work ethic, responsible, does his share etc. He is truly a great guy and a wonderful dad. But, we still have had huge rows lately. Becoming a parent was such a huge change for us both and with covid and working from home and minding a little one, things have been difficult. We often snap at and resent each other because we are simply two human beings trying to do the best we can.

While I love my daughter and would give my life for her in a heartbeat, I sometimes find myself grieving the life we knew before - dressing up and going out to little wine bars, falling home at 2am, not being too wrecked to be intimate, lying on in bed til midday and having breakfast together in front of the TV etc. You are maybe both still adjusting to this new life and there is no shame in that. When you add covid and lockdowns to a situation where you've become a new parent - it really is a huge loss of personal liberty.

I think I've been where your fiancée is - I give my fiancé a really unfair time, that he doesn't deserve. And I don't mean it. I'd be devastated if we split. But, when you only have each other, sometimes it's easy to just vent and take frustration out on the person closest to you..I also suffered with perinatal depression and I still have major highs and lows. Could your partner have something like this getting her down?

I don't mean to excuse her behaviour, but the scenario seems to familiar to me and I thought offering my perspective might help.

Hope it works out.

Sonic the Shaghog

Antares35 wrote: »

I think I've been where your fiancée is - I give my fiancé a really unfair time, that he doesn't deserve. And I don't mean it. I'd be devastated if we split.

Have you told him this? Not a dig at you but unfortunately sometimes we can be too proud to admit it when we are wrong. If you haven't might be an idea, better than him sitting you down and telling you he's off some evening

Antares35

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Have you told him this? Not a dig at you but unfortunately sometimes we can be too proud to admit it when we are wrong. If you haven't might be an idea, better than him sitting you down and telling you he's off some evening

You're right, I need to do this

Tork

I admire the honesty you showed in your earlier post Antares35. Hopefully it will help our OP see the wood from the trees because there is a lot to be gleaned from it. Sonic is bang on the money though and articulated what crossed my mind. You could lose your own relationship if you're not more honest and open with your fiancé. He needs to hear what you told us - soon!

The DayDream

I feel for you OP. Unfortunately when you start living with a woman and she starts constantly picking fights and nothing you do is ever good enough, they are always like that, in my experience. It's a shame you had to be 'all in' with a baby and mortgage before finding that out.

You sound like a good husband to me. She wants to pull the plug? Let her. She needs a wake up call, there aren't any Prince Charmings out there that will take your place, if she thinks she'd be better off alone then let her find out if it's true. Maybe in future she'll have more realistic expectations of a partner.

I know it's super easy for someone on the outside to say leave and you dont want to, esp with the baby, but she's not gonna suddenly change, you're in for years, decades of nagging and complaining and feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough if you stay with her.

cj maxx

I have to say I agree with Day Dream. Yes the baby may have knocked her off kilter , but she doesn't seem happy . The best you can do imo is try relationship counselling, have a honest talk and,op, get legal advice re the house and tour daughter.
Forget about rushing the wedding through

Ann84

I don’t agree that women just nag and nag forever, couples go through ups and downs constantly, there are changing external factors (finances, kids, pregnancies, extended family issues, job problems etc) that seriously impact on a persons general happiness but can end up being taken out on partners, then there are issues within couples, often domestic (cleaning, cooking, childcare, expectations of the role of the other partner, expectations of ones self within a relationship etc)... all the above can and does affect all relationships at some point and nagging/ nitpicking etc is a symptom of an issue - it’s not the issue itself.
I went through a very bad phase of nagging my husband in the first couple of years of our marriage - it literally boiled down to us having different levels of cleanliness we could live in, I had to nag him to do his jobs which I hated and he would get defensive... we were fighting every day and both very unhappy.
We went to counselling and we realised something had to change or we were gonna split up which we didn’t want so we had to agree housework split and that nagging had to stop, but that meant my hubbie had to actually take full responsibility for doing his jobs instead of waiting/ relying on me to nag him! It took some time but we are in a much better place and he is much more hands on around the house and more takes more ownership - it’s not me asking him to do stuff for me, it’s him doing stuff to make our house a nicer place for both of us to live...
it’s so easy to get into a toxic set up of nagging, favours and doing stuff for the other person rather than doing it as a team but it is possible to change the dynamic - now we still have moments but I don’t nag and he doesn’t get defensive and we don’t fight daily so it can be done.
These situations work both ways and I don’t like the generalisation of the nagging wife with the generalisation of the lazy husband - these are not good labels and definitely don’t help.
You need to talk to your fiancee about what is actually wrong, she sounds overwhelmed - a good honest conversation possibly with a counsellor but maybe just start at home, ye fell in love for a reason, can you both figure out where it’s going wrong? She may not be able to pinpoint it herself but before going kamakazi it’s worth giving it a good shot to fix it... it would be worse to split up and realise that it was something that could have been fixed if you both had figured out what was really wrong...

beertons

Would you consider some home help. Maybe twice a week for 2 hours, for a breather for herself to get a bit of fresh air time/exercise. Help could tidy house, put on a wash or 2, do a little tidy. I know we had a cleaner for 3 years after we moved to a bigger hpuse, first was 6mo then.

Maybe a cleaner would be a good idea, as from what the OP has posted, he has been doing the majority of the house and garden chores on top of working full time.

Then he might have the time and energy to put into "the relationship" and "family time" that his partner is demanding from him as well.

Though she might complain about the expense of a cleaner delaying her "wedding future" further.

NiceFella

OP, You do sound like a good guy but.... I will say though that being home with a new baby 24/7 during lockdown is very very hard. It can be a very lonely experience. I know I would rather be out working 9-5 than being at home all day. Some women get post natal depression too which can sometimes not be obvious to the partner or even themselves. So don't expect women who have recently had children to be altogether emotionally. It's a huge change in their bodies, something us men don't truly understand.

She is probably acting out but it feels that she may be feeling alone in taking care of the baby and so wants to involve you more in that aspect which is why she is pushing for time together days. To be fair to her it's not a lot to ask. If the marriage seems like too much for your plate tell her how you feel about that, and perhaps give her a timeframe as to when you think it's achievable.

You say you want to improve communication. What I would do is do little things to show her your appreciation. Make her a cup of tea, give her a kiss before leaving the house and hug when you come home and ask her how she is. Obviously doing your part with the baby goes without saying. Do this every day and you would be surprised what this can do for your relationship. She does sound a little immature but she will come on if you show her the important things in life are being fultlfilled and looked after like spending time together.

Best of luck