Is he not genuinely interested or am I expecting too much too soon

LegacyUser

Just looking for objective viewpoints. Been dating a guy for eight weeks. We are in our 30s. Both looking for a relationship rather than casual. From my point of view, after eight weeks I have a good idea if I see potential there and I would stop actively looking for other dates even if I wasn't ready to commit. Am I expecting too much too soon? If he is actively updating his online dating profile, does that mean he has already realised he doesn't see it going anywhere with me? Should I walk now? Or give it more time?

Passenger

What you should do is actually ask him out straight what his intentions are as opposed to trying to deduce his feelings by reading too much into his online profile or whatever.

YellowLead

After 8 weeks it’s totally reasonable to have the ‘are you seeing other people, would you like to be exclusive and see where this goes’ conversation.

I would definitely make the assumption that if he is updating his online profiles he is deffo still looking - but it’s always better to ask rather than assume, because you never know.

Sometimes we don’t ask because we are afraid of what we will hear. Believe me - if he really likes you he won’t be freaked out, he will be delighted. It will only be awkward if he doesn’t feel the same, and if that is the case - sure aren’t you better off knowing?

Xterminator

OP - you have to bite the bullet and have the conversation. Why would you sit there fretting about it, when you can have an honest to goodness chat with him about how he feels. your not psychic, neither is he.

yes you may feel a little embarrassed about bringing it up, and i suppose you do risk the 'fear of rejection' but it is a case of nothing ventured nothing gained.

bucketybuck

As a guy in that age range I would consider 8 weeks to be too soon for committing to anything serious, that is still in the period of enjoying each others company and seeing where it goes.

However I would not be actively updating an online dating profile either. Maybe I would check my profile, but why would I be updating it? By actively updating it, do you mean changing profile pictures or writing a new bio, or what do you mean?

If I was updating my profile its because I wanted to find somebody and thought changing things would increase my chances. If I was doing that while going on dates with somebody then you can assume that I am not head over heels in love, thats for sure.

Calypso Realm

Agree completely with above.

In the early stages you may not know whether or not you'd want to marry someone but you WILL know if you want to date them exclusively or not. Eight weeks is certainly long enough to know if something has got potential.

The fact he's still updating the app strongly suggests to me he's keeping his options open. So I'd suggest you do the same!

Windmill100000

What's most important op is what you want. We can all give opinions on what WE want or expect.

You clearly want something more committed than casual. Lay your cards on the table. He may feel the same, may not, but either way you will know where you stand and won't be continuing to invest in something that's not going in the direction you want.

Rubberchikken

Why not ask him? At least them you'd have an idea of what's happening.
I think at 8 weeks it's a bit soon for most people to know where something is heading.

leggo

Cal Croydon wrote: »

You have to take into account the narcissist aspect of online dating. Both men and women get a certain rush from being contacted by new people, and some will take this to extremes and just always serial date with the same spiel for each new person they meet. From my experience as a guy with online dating, i've met plenty of women who were clearly dating at least 3 or 4 other men simultaneously, to the point where they get mixed up between the guys, which is funny.

So this entire paragraph is all an assumption you've made entirely out of your own fears that has nothing to do with what the OP said. Somehow, from a short post where the only real info we have is this person updated their dating profile while in the very early stages of dating, you’ve diagnosed them with narcissistic personality disorder and we got as far as names getting mixed up with the 3-4 other people they’re dating!

You’re looking to avoid doing that OP. Truth is in almost every thread like this you’ll see the word ‘narcissist’ thrown around, but NPD affects only around 1% of the population. It’s an irrational fear many have so they’re dying to try catch out others. Truth is though, trying to spot it in everyone you meet is a great way to sabotage anything good you may have.

Instead of prematurely diagnosing people with personality disorders and going into normal dates firing psychological textbooks at them in an effort to catch them out...you can just openly say from the get-go: “this is how I feel right now, how do you feel?” If they say one thing and it contradicts something you know not to be true (eg “I’m so into you that I deleted all my dating accounts weeks ago”), then they’re lying and that’s important to take into account. Then just go with it. There’s no magic wand or way to know all the answers beforehand to avoid getting hurt, you just use the lessons you’ve learned beforehand to inform you going forward and see how you get on. That’s literally dating in a nutshell. Could you get hurt? Yes. The price to pay to avoid all of that is dying alone, so you either stick your neck out and risk it or just stay by yourself forever.

ILoveYourVibes

IMO he is playing games. He's not serious.

If he was he would be having the convo with you and making sure YOU are not seeing anyone. Not updating his dating profile so he can meet more people.

irishguy1983

bucketybuck wrote: »

As a guy in that age range I would consider 8 weeks to be too soon for committing to anything serious, that is still in the period of enjoying each others company and seeing where it goes.

However I would not be actively updating an online dating profile either. Maybe I would check my profile, but why would I be updating it? By actively updating it, do you mean changing profile pictures or writing a new bio, or what do you mean?

If I was updating my profile its because I wanted to find somebody and thought changing things would increase my chances. If I was doing that while going on dates with somebody then you can assume that I am not head over heels in love, thats for sure.

I disagree respectfully....For me I’d know after a few dates - never mind 8 weeks....HOWEVER this only highlights we are all different/view the world differently and maybe best off talk to the guy directly

JustAThought

OP - how are you dating? Texting or meeting? What form is the meeting taking - walks and talks or something like a common interest - don’t know what that might be in a L5 lockdown. Are you sleeping with him? All the answers lead to IMO very different reactions.

If I’d been sleeping with someone for 8 weeks I’d sure as hell expect them to be at least exclusive until we broke up or stopped by agreement. If it’s just texting a few times a week then wouldn’t it be normal for them to be possibly still chatting to others? Or are you sea swimming together every morning and spending the afternoon baking bananna bread and netflixing???

All very different nauances.

Neyite

After 8 weeks you'd know whether you've a genuine interest in a person and whether it's got potential. And if it's got potential and you really like them, you'd be happy to date exclusively and just see where it goes. There's no irreversible commitment in that.

Ask them. And if they still want to keep dating others, you can decide if that person is wasting your time or whether you are happy to keep going the way you are, and update your profile and keep dating others...

bitofabind

Not Interested or Just Too Soon? wrote: »

If he is actively updating his online dating profile, does that mean he has already realised he doesn't see it going anywhere with me? Should I walk now? Or give it more time?

Your needs are your needs. If him still exploring his options and fishing for dates after eight weeks doesn't line up with what you're looking for, then honour that and have the conversation. "We've been dating for eight weeks now and I understood that we were both looking for commitment. Are you? Or are you still interested in meeting other people?"

Get all the information and then you can go from there. In all the dating I've done, I've never regretted having these uncomfortable conversations. Because it's clarity that can save you a hell of a lot of time and heartbreak down the line. And your needs aren't going to change. Have the conversation.

LillySV

Are u still online as single 8 weeks later ?

heretothere

I'm in my early 30s but so out of the loop with how dating works these days it all seems to different!! I meet my husband when I was 22. Anyway after 8 week I would think you'd have a pretty decent idea if you wanted to take things further. Just wondering, you say he has been updating his profile, so does that mean you are still on dating sites/apps? Otherwise how would you know? All there really is to do, is to have a conversation with him and see how ye both feel.