Navigating relationship/boundaries with COVID fearing parents.

LegacyUser

Hi Folks,

Looking for an objective opinion on this. Bit of a long-winded one but putting it all out there to get some solid opinions on my relationship with my parents, in particular my mother.

My parents are 62 (Dad) and 55 (Mum) respectively. Mum falls under the category of healthcare worker - although she's not frontline public-facing and has been WFH since the outset - and has already received her first AZ dose. Dad has just registered for his vaccine and hoping he'll be jabbed in the next couple of weeks going by the government's schedule.

I had lived at home with them for 8 months whilst saving my deposit. Four of those months from Feb-Mid June last year when Covid came into play. At one point during that period my brother's girlfriend also moved in with us - so there were six individual adults living in the house all working and living together at the same time. It was a stressful environment, to say the least.

Mum has always been ultra covid conscious since the outset of this. She doesn't have the best constitution/health history, Dad has a heart condition, and both of her (my grandparents) are elderly. Getting us to wipe down all the door handles and surfaces each morning, disinfecting the shopping coming in, and asking us all not to take public transport / meet our own local friends / even go into the shopping centre to get a takeaway coffee un-necessarily during that initial period. I got given out to for having to go into work to pick up some essentials for WFH! I complied fully at the time given Covid was such an unknown, and to alleviate her stress and acquiesce to common sense. This was spring 2020.

I then moved into my own home in Mid June 2020. Obviously, with the rent a room incentive, and having new bills and a mortgage to pay, etc my first priority was to get a new tenant in asap. Mum initially wasn't happy about this as they ''would only be able to visit when they are not in the house'', but I insisted as at the end of the day it was a financial imperative. In the interim period, every time they have wanted to visit me I'm constantly asked "when will he be going home for the weekend, can you ask him when he'll be out, etc". That was a delicate balancing act in itself as I couldn't always ask my lodger outright every single week what his weekend plans were - would have come across as mean and wanting him to leave when he was sharing my home. Anytime I would have gone up to see my grandparents or friends in Dublin I also received lectures from her on how to keep myself safe.

Note that this intensity comes from mother primarily - Dad is more laissez fair but has been worn down by his overbearing and slightly narcissistic (in my opinion) wife after 25+ odd years of marriage. When mum speaks as ''we'' I strongly suspect it's her own soapbox and dad can't really get a word in edgeways / constructively engage with his wife on his own opinion. Dad is a bit wishy-washy and unsure of himself, he'll often defer his judgement in general.

I deliberately try to avoid conversations with my mum on covid as we have different approaches and tolerances to risk. I consider myself pragmatic - and by no means a covid denier. I'll stick to wearing a mask in crowded places, washing hands often, keeping distance and generally sticking to outdoor activities/ventilation. Where I draw the line is cowering indoors in fear - as we have to start living alongside this at some point, albeit in the safest manner as possible. Everyone has their own tolerance and approach to safety and whilst I want to respect her way of doing things, she equally needs to respect my approach to living with this.

During the Easter period, I suggested that I would come up to stay with them in Dublin for a week as we had both not spent some time together in quite a while (since Xmas). My lodger was heading home for a fortnight so I had suggested to them that I'd totally isolate myself for a week with only online shopping delivery (not that I'm going out and about much these days anyway as I'm in a mid-sized country town) before heading up to them. During the course of that week's isolation, I asked my next-door neighbor who was a barber to give me a haircut out in his garden - I know for a fact that he is also a bit of a recluse like myself - and given we were both going to be outdoors and he was wearing a mask I deemed this to be safe. When my folks came down to pick me up and bring me up to the family home, Mum noticed that I had gotten a haircut and gave out to me that she was so "disappointed" in my actions as they specifically asked me not to do anything that would put them at risk for a week.

Given that Mum had done the EXACT same scenario cutting her own father's hair out in their back garden with a mask on, I felt that this was double standards and told her as much so. Coupled with that - both outdoors, him wearing a mask = low low risk. Anyway, it wasn't just about the haircut for me, I hadn't had my hair copped in over two months. February and March were absolutely horrendous months for me mental health-wise, I've had to go back on medication for anxiety and revert to a therapist. I felt I'd hit my lockdown fatigue, and I'm normally such a resilient and positive person but the mundanity of life and the office politics of work had just really got me down. Having my mop chopped was a PSYCHOLOGICAL lift and one which was totally warranted for my own mental health, imo. Anyway, I only ended up going up to them for three days instead of seven as they wanted to delay by a couple of days ''just in case'' - their prerogative. I told them that was fine, but I wouldn't be apologising as I didn't feel I did anything wrong.

Later that day, both of them arrived on my doorstep without asking me, bearing a card and some food and drink care packages (no notification that they were arriving, just turned up). I was not happy that they assumed it was fine to come and see me that same day. Really, I would have preferred the dust to settle and talked to them the following day but again, mum just taking the lead and assuming that coming down to see me was fine.

I went up to Dublin the following couple of days, however, the atmosphere was sour, which makes me feel like I shouldn't have botherd.

My lodger has since changed, and my new tenant has only been living with me for 7 weeks now. She's relatively harmonised, we get on well, and I am happy with my choice having gone through the rigmarole of DAFT screening for the second time. Mum and Dad's neighbors are getting an extension done on their house - and here lies the crux of my post - they have asked if they can move in with me for three months as a result, and asked me to evict my tenant to facilitate same.

After a tense phone call with Mum getting quite upset. Her reasoning boils down as follows:
1. Mum's work is primarily on Zoom calls during the day and she ''won't be able'' to work with building noise. She's also doing a master's and feels this will negatively affect her.
2. Dad is ''vulnerable'' because of his heart condition.
3. They are family so I should prioritize them over my tenant.
4. If they were to rent somewhere else for themselves it would just be "too expensive"(bearing in mind that both of them are working full time and earning decent wages). They are not willing to rent out their primary house / AIRBNB it to facilitate a way of garnering the money for it.
5. It's a ''life or death'' situation. ''physical and mental health will suffer''.

I suggested to them that they could take the spare room as a compromise (I have a 3-bed house), but I wouldn't feel comfortable evicting my lodger as ultimately I have to think about my own security long term / wanting to be a decent human being and not chucking someone out in the middle of a pandemic after them only moving in. I pointed out that Mum has had her first jab, and Dad will also have had his first by the time June rolls around, so therefore they will BOTH have decent protection and WON'T suffer to the absolute same degree or indeed die if they got COVID having had a jab....but they weren't having it. Mum doesn't believe AstraZeneca will stop them from getting seriously ill...I can't try to fathom their logic but long and short of it won't listen to science because ''there's still a risk''. I had to end the phone call because, despite my attempts to thrash things out rationally with SCIENCE and reason, she became overly emotional and I didn't feel it was conducive to my own wellbeing to continue the call until she calmed down.

What annoys me is that they will lecture if one of us breaks guidelines, but both of them will happily tweak the rulesets to suit themselves (like breaking county boundaries to see me or going into a garden center for plants because it's essential yet giving out if my brother went to an outdoor bbq...you get the idea)

So, unfortunately, I don't really think I have a choice here, I'll have to acquiesce because ultimately they are my parents - and even though people get work done to their houses all the time and the neighbors just feckin grin and bear it - despite the melodrama if I don't concede it'll irreparably damage the relationship. I personally don't see why they can't compromise and live with myself and lodger, or rent their own house out to pay for somewhere else, but Mum has her ways and there's no changing her once she's latched on to what the ''right way'' to do things is (or her perception of it, rightly or wrongly damm everyone else...)

What this will mean for me if they move in:
1. Mum will start to question where I'm going and what I'm doing. I'll essentially have to revert to my own L5 within my own home as she won't be happy if I'm taking public transport etc to meet mates outdoors (I don't drive)
2. I'll inevitably feel unsure and doubting of myself, as this is the state of mind I enter into when I'm living with them. I like my own space.
3. I'll have to throw someone out in the middle of covid which is such a difficult thing to do.

How do I navigate this successfully for the benefit of all parties?

Xterminator

id move heaven and earth to facilitate my mum.bear in mind your pafents will be fully vaccinated very soon.
lodger out with a weeks notice.

Neyite

That sounds like a minefield and I don't see any good outcome - for you especially. Your mother sounds quite forceful and your dad won't have your back in this.

I think you need to think through a clear plan of action - right down to the day to day stuff like her making people wipe down handles etc - to make it clear what YOUR covid house rules are - and if she doesn't like them, she can stay with someone else. Your house, your rules.

And don't move out your lodger - sound ones can be hard to come by so you don't want them to move out only to end up with some dodgy one

How long is the building works supposed to last?
To be honest I'd be suggesting that she work from a remote working hub. Maybe find one nearby and get her to check it out. Building work would only be done from 8 to 8 IIRC so there's no need for her to move in fully with you if she can work elsewhere.

Or at an absolute stretch, you could offer her your spare room for work only, and keep it closed so only she is using it for the duration.

Jequ0n

Please correct me if I’m wrong but they expect you to move out a tenant/ lodger because their neighbours are getting work done to their house?
The “only” inconvenience is going to be noise, possibly extra dirt and maybe some parking annoyances. Yes, annoying, but nothing that would require them to move in with you, let alone expect the lodger to be kicked out.

This is a first world problem and your mother is out of line. Typical case of parental entitlement so often seen

I experienced that joy last year and it is definitely annoying when you are working from home but it’s definitely manageable. Took longer than 3 months btw

HildaOgdenx

It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. I wouldn't be having them move in, and I certainly wouldn't be evicting the lodger. It's not life or death, that is absolutely ridiculous and over the top.

As pp said, there are other solutions, such as remote hubs, where she can do her work. Her workplace may well be looking to get people back into the office, in the coming months also. Or they may be able to facilitate her with space, for the duration.

Yes, the building noise and dirt is a pain, but most people manage around it.

Your mother is obviously very used to getting her own way, so you will have a battle on your hands. Your relationship may suffer because it sounds like nobody ever says no to her.
It will most likely suffer even more if you let them move in.

Lux23

I would offer your Mum the spare room for work or during the week, but I wouldn't be moving out a lodger to facilitate your parent's next-door neighbours extension. That is crazy to me, and you're well within your rights to refuse. It is bad enough that the lodger has to be up with your parents moving in!

LegacyUser

Sounds like theres more going on than your mam needing a bit of help to get through a tough time.

She sounds like a bottomless pit of needs and demands and like the type of dysfunctional parent that'll require you to sacrifice yourself to prove your commitment to her! And when shes used you up or decided youre no longer meeting her 24/7 needs she will quickly move on to find someone else who can, all the while moaning that your an awful daughter whose never done anything to help.

I would help out with what you can but focus on your own life goals. Dont sacrifice yourself for these bottomless pit types, whoever they may be.

greysgut

I’d do anything for my parents but I know where your coming from.

If they move in, your Mam will no doubt take over the running of the house with her Covid rules.

Don’t evict your lodger, as someone said sound housemates are hard to come by. Also if you did evict her, your mother will see she can get around you no matter what.

Can I ask if you were still living at home, what would they do then?

The Princess Bride

With respect, you need to learn to say NO.

Well and good if your parents were having the building work in their own home, it might be something to consider, but they're not.

Your mother is only a young woman, if she's this needy/dramatic now, I can't imagine what she'll be like when she's in her 70s.

Magicmatilda

I foresee your mother being an absolute nightmare if you get into a relationship.
You said yourself that she is narcissistic.
Its absolute madness that she needs to move out because neighbours are doing work. What was she like before you moved back home to save? I wouldn't allow it, you don't even have to explain yourself, just say no. If she pushes tell her that you think it will damage your relationship with her as its completely unreasonable for her to even request this. I can see her throwing back that they let you stay with them, which would just show how she thinks, and while she might have a point the situation is completely different, after all they are the parents here.

MissShihTzu

No, no, no!

When I read the OP, I thought the PARENTS were getting the work done. But to expect you to evict your lodger to allow your parents in, especially as the lodger is helping out with the mortgage and bills? Absolutely not!!! If your folks moved in, obviously you won't be asking for rent/keeps. So how will you manage, OP? How long will they be there for? And what expectations of privacy were you looking for if your parents (in particular Mum) move in. As for the first poster suggesting the lodger goes with a week's notice? Ridiculous!

You need to set boundaries here. Your Mum's overstepping them. Tell your people to keep the windows closed, get some decent earplugs and get on with it. They're adults, not needy children. They would have had to if you didn't have your own place.

Either way, this isn't going to end well. But at least if your Mum throws a strop, it'll be on your own terms.

I wish you luck, OP. You're going to need it!

JustAThought

I see your problem OP . They are your parents, they helped you, they now want your help in return & (rightly) expect it.

A few suggestions.

Tell your mother that you love & want to help BUT that you entered an agreement that has outside legal implications with your lodger. You can’t
just evict them during a covid crisis. They can create a lot of expensive problems for you. The have have you up in court. You can be fined thousands. It could have long term consequences for you in terms of disclosing criminal convictions of judgements made against you when looking for jobs/ changing role. It’s not the black and white scenario she thinks of loyalty.

(this is not 100% true but might worry her enough to back her off).

You can’t just change the terms of your ledgers living arrangements and move in your parents. They replied to an ad to move in with one person and share with them - not to move in with a family where the balance and profile is totally different. Return to argument one which runs into this ine also.

Your mothers neigubours extension could runnover. The materials may not be obtainable due to Britexit/ new customs. Builders might be shut down again etc. It could become a 5 or 6 month project - or longer.

Family is important - your parents let you move in with them to save & you need to return the favour or it could be a permanent disaster. Can you offer your mother a bedroom to work and study in daily . Take the bed out of it - dismantle it and put it in the attic. She can’t sit around all day watching tv and cooking /cleaning - its for work and to allow her focus and get her thesis done. Your flatmate will have to agree to this & tell her that. Your father isn’t part of the agreement - its a study facility for her masters.

The workmen will be gone in the evening. There will be no noise or disruption. She will have her own house, comforts and bed/kitchen/TV. ( so there is no need for them to sleep over).

I had a serious battle on my hands when I bought my house. My parents wanted a key. They wanted to choose the furniture (I paying). My
mother wanted ‘to be involved’ and do all the interior designing (me paying) - I teally had to be strong as refuse everything as it would have just been a replica of everything I had throughout my life with them. I wanted independence and my own control and autonomy over my own place. It was hard.

I wonder is ort of your mothers insistence she come over to live driven by fear of no longer being the parent and calling the shots - ot is she proud of you and your new home and wants to be part of it and feel she can live there too & be an important part of this new phase of your life? Maybe she has built her life around you and can’t face not being central in it anymore or is slihhtly jealous of your new life, new home and new ‘relationship’ with living with someone else - your lodger.


What kind of extension is your moms neighbour doing? ‘Just’ a room or a whole drama involving planning permission? Did your mother object? If they are mostly bricklaying and putting in windows it shouldn’t be too unbearably noisy all day long. It shouldn’t be pneumatic drilling and demolishing for 3 or 4 long months. Is this just a spur of the moment drama or ad hoc whim to amuse her and tell astory to her friends about while she is now avoiding being left alone with her husband (retired) in the house with no social buffer(you)?

In all of this there is your innocent lodger. In all fairness you can’t just fling someone out because your mother wants suddenly to luve with you instead. It’s not as though she has had a housefire or collapsed roof. There are laws and you can be prosecuted and taken to court. That might be your best bet. It’s not the same as them being so generous and letting you live & stay with them. You can also play the health card and say all this stress will really affect your anxiety and set you back and put you back/on higher medication. The treat of a court case. The threat of being prosecuted and having a record. The risk of being fined and not able to use daft again.

You mother might be stuck in the 80’s in her rental thinking but even last year it was made illegal for people to be evicted during covid for not paying their rent due. It was all over the papers. Remind her of that - she will google it and may be more receptive.

PS - you were wrong about the neighbour cutting your hair - it was another person and risk - not the same as her doing your fathers in the garden!!!


I’d emphasis how grateful you are to
her and offer the study place during the day when the builders are there but the lodger will have to remain and she will have to leave the two of you yo the house after that and go back & cook and eat at ‘home’ so the lodger can have what was agreed for the rental and price and not be taking you for change in circumstances or rental agreement. Hold firm - its not just you - she now has a paying tenant in the mix and she cannot legally just throw them out because she feels she dosn’t want to live in her house. The law/ courts won’t entertain this & it won’t count as a renting to a family member in lieu of keeping your agreement.


Best of luck :0

Floricwil

Lux23 wrote: »

I would offer your Mum the spare room for work or during the week, but I wouldn't be moving out a lodger to facilitate your parent's next-door neighbours extension. That is crazy to me, and you're well within your rights to refuse. It is bad enough that the lodger has to be up with your parents moving in!

I thought it was the parents who were getting building work done! Its the neighbours!? Who moves out when the neighbours get work done?

It probably will be annoying for your parents but its quite a stretch to suggest moving out of their home, into your home and evict your tenant - all during a global pandemic with restrictions which they are taking very literally (when it suits).

Its a hard one. Its tough saying no to your parents. Could you ask them to wait and see what the level of disruption is first with the building works next door. Maybe they will see it isnt that and they can put up with it.

Either way, I would not be asking your tenant to move out. Where does you mother expect her to go and after her just moving in?

bunny_mac

JustAThought wrote: »

I see your problem OP . They are your parents, they helped you, they now want your help in return & (rightly) expect it.

I completely and utterly disagree with this. It's your parents' job to help you. They chose to have you, it's their responsibility. A child doesn't 'owe' a parent anything as far as I'm concerned. And in the healthiest parent-child relationships I know both parties agree with that.

Graces7

bunny_mac wrote: »

I completely and utterly disagree with this. It's your parents' job to help you. They chose to have you, it's their responsibility. A child doesn't 'owe' a parent anything as far as I'm concerned. And in the healthiest parent-child relationships I know both parties agree with that.

Ah but it does not always work like that. We owe parents our life, literally. It can go to extremes; a teaching colleague way back literally could not go out etc as her mother immediately got "ill". As in a " smother" as one GP called it.

This is one occasion; not a lifetime. But does need to be nipped in the bud

But NO NO NO!

There has to be an alternative without alienating. While you know she is covid scared maybe not realising that that is a stressful place to be. And any extra stress like the work next door will take on greater proportions to her.

And thin end of the wedge occurs?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

OP here. Thank you all for your considered replies. It's been great to get an outsider's perspective.

Ultimately, family comes first. As much as I don't believe my mum's actions are warranted, I will acquiesce. However, I think I might just propose swapping to the Dublin family home for a straightforward clean break. Win-win for both parties - I invest in a pair of decent noise-cancelling headphones and get on with it, and they have their space in my home. I will be however insisting on a sunset clause of four months max if works overrun.

Parents will be contributing to the bills (albeit at a reduced rate), so finance isn't an ultimate concern if its for a couple of months.

With regards to giving notice to my lodger to leave, as it's under the rent a room scheme, is six weeks sufficient during covid - can anyone tell me? I'm not sure it falls under the same parameters as a standard tenancy as its not a formal contract. In order to be fair, i'm planning on giving my lodger six weeks notice with two weeks pro bono as a gesture of goodwill.

Going forward, I think i'll try to maintain more distance with folks. One phonecall/visit a week and ultimatley, not divulging as much to keep them at arms length from their opinions and ways of doing things!

qwerty13

Ah OP, I really feel that you are doing yourself a disservice here. I understand the pressure that you’re under, and that you want to help - but your mothers ‘request’ and your ‘solution’ are just bananas. And family don’t come first - YOU come first, and if you can help your family while looking after your own needs, then great. Unfortunately I don’t get the feeling that your mother - or even you believe that’s the way to go.

Firstly, most builders don’t work 12 hour days, more like until 4:00. And I can’t imagine they’d be using whatever the name of the pressure hammer thing is every hour of the work - so your mother is making drama. I suspected that you were an only child who your mother is totally invested in until I reread your post and noticed about your brothers GF temporarily living there.

Your mother’s expectations are just mad. Completely unreasonable. She is practically demanding that you upend your life, so that she doesn’t have to put up with some temporary inconvenience?! I cannot believe that she requested that, and I further can’t believe that you’re thinking of swapping houses. It’s so OTT. And your poor lodger! I know lodgers as opposed to tenants have less legal rights, but it’s bad form OP - they’ve done nothing wrong.

It sounds like there’s just no boundaries at all in your family OP. Or with your mother anyway - she demands everyone to jump, and everyone says how high. This is no way to exist - for your father, or sibling(s) - but that’s their own business - it’s no way for you to exist. And believe me, if you agree to this, it will get worse as your parents get older. Are you prepared for your mother to demand that they live with you if she decides that she can’t look after your slighter older father on her own? - instead of her asking that you help out once a week, or get a carer for a few hours a week? I might sound doom and gloom there, but if you agree to the current ‘request’, you are setting a very dangerous precedent.

In short, your mother needs to dial down the drama, and demand less of others. I’d put good money on the current scenario not working out well, and also making her feel that it’s ok for her to demand whatever she wants about your house (your home!) in the future. Be very careful how you deal this OP, and learn to set some boundaries.

PS: and having two relatives that my counsellor has repeatedly suggested have narcissistic tendencies, I’d agree with you that your mother is quite probably along those lines. So be prepared for drama and her playing the upset victim unless you fully go along with her demands. Also, how do you think this will affect your anxiety? - that is an important thing to bear in mind. It might be good to work through that with your counsellor/therapist.

HildaOgdenx

Agree with qwerty.

I think you are storing up further trouble for yourself by bowing to what are quite frankly, unreasonable demands by your mother. Even if you are determined to ignore most of the advice offered here, (which is of course your prerogative as the OP), do talk to your therapist about boundaries.

It's very difficult to shake off, or question the family dynamics, for most of us, whether it's the golden child, the scapegoat or whatever else, but it can be done.

bunny_mac

qwerty13 wrote: »

Ah OP, I really feel that you are doing yourself a disservice here. I understand the pressure that you’re under, and that you want to help - but your mothers ‘request’ and your ‘solution’ are just bananas. And family don’t come first - YOU come first, and if you can help your family while looking after your own needs, then great. Unfortunately I don’t get the feeling that your mother - or even you believe that’s the way to go.

While all of qwerty's answer was excellent I'm highlighting this bit. Putting yourself first seems to be considered 'selfish' for some reason. It's not selfish to try to protect your own mental health.

Jequ0n

OP, why do you feel that it’s ok for YOU to tolerate the noise/ inconveniences/ working with headphones, but it’s an unacceptable hardship for your parents?

No need to answer but maybe think about it for yourself

eviltwin

I think you need to learn how to set healthy boundaries OP. What I'm reading is completely mad. You are willing to let a lodger go - one you say you need to keep your head above water financially -just to pander to your mother's demands Why would you do that???

Putting family first does not mean you do so at all costs to yourself. Yours needs are important here but I don't see anyone taking them into consideration so you have to do it yourself. She's being ridiculous and will only get worse the more you let her away with it and you'll just be a younger version of your downtrodden father.

Its not being selfish or unreasonable to put your very real needs above her imagined ones.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

I think you need to learn how to set healthy boundaries OP. What I'm reading is completely mad. You are willing to let a lodger go - one you say you need to keep your head above water financially -just to pander to your mother's demands Why would you do that???

Putting family first does not mean you do so at all costs to yourself. Yours needs are important here but I don't see anyone taking them into consideration so you have to do it yourself. She's being ridiculous and will only get worse the more you let her away with it and you'll just be a younger version of your downtrodden father.

Its not being selfish or unreasonable to put your very real needs above her imagined ones.

Why would you do that???

I think the OP has conditioned since childhood to put her mother first, always at all costs in order to maintain the family system. She is forsaking her own needs and authentic self to maintain a relationship with her mother. Her mother is still the primary authority figure in her life when she hasn't yet individuated and become fully independent. At its core she fears her mother and how her mother might behave, and losing her current relationship status with her mother if she steps out of line. Its the path of least resistance and her mother is clearly extremely manipulative.

It will continue until a major event or realisation with her mother might jolt her into some form of action. Though this will likely be much later in life, hopefully though not when too much has been lost (other relationships, romantic relationship, job opportunities, financial stability, her own independence....etc).

Therapy is a good idea.

SAMTALK

I'm a mother of 2 adults and no way would I treat them the way your mother is treating you

Yes I gave birth to them and raised them but I don't "own" them, and no way would I expect them to be at my beck and call and change their lives just to suit me ( especially under such ridiculous circumstances )

You can be a good son / daughter without giving into your mothers demands

I think your mother expects way too much.

I would not agree to them moving in, not under these circumstances.

bunny_mac

SAMTALK wrote: »

I'm a mother of 2 adults and no way would I treat them the way your mother is treating you

Yes I gave birth to them and raised them but I don't "own" them, and no way would I expect them to be at my beck and call and change their lives just to suit me ( especially under such ridiculous circumstances )

You can be a good son / daughter without giving into your mothers demands

Can you be my mother? :pac:

JustAThought

I see other peoples point of views but considering the mothers particular care & fears over covid and her having literally met nobody outside her husband and child for the lockdown period, having major final exams and a huge building project starting next door (noise) for the countdowns to her finals I see how it could be a convergence of extraordinary events. Dosn’t mean the mother is a total control freak/narcissist etc - just extraordinary events in a stressful and difficult time.

I gather from the OP that his/her parents have stod by yhem when they had mental
health problems, supported them when they needed to save for a deposit and made exceptions and allowances for them to achieve their goals and lifes ambitions. It’s not totally unacceptable for when they feel trapped to ask for something in return. It’s called give and take and given the circumstances I don’t think its totally out of order.

I still retain my original views on it. But in relation to the lodger I think the OP is really shortchanging them in all of this and is being totally unfair. Can the OP not at least offer to the lodger that they can do the switch with them to their parents house or let them live foc with them IN the parents house for the period of the disruption? That way the mother also gets to understand the disruption and inconvenience to the fourth person in this cycle - the one totally innocent bystander who is going to be totally shafted in this arrangement. Sure a token 2 weeks off is a nice trinket but does not compare to having your lofe
entirely disrupted, having to go trawling around trying to view places in a pandemic, having the effort and costs of moving - and viewing places, and having their work or study days disrupted because of all of this. Sure - the OP can offer a 6 week notice but playing devils advocate the lodger could well refuse or dig in their heels and refuse to play ball. It’s not as though they have done anything wrong. While I’m sympathetic for the OP I find their lack of sympathy for the lodger and lack of empathy very unattractive.
IMO a better solution needs to be found for the lodger.

Magicmatilda

candyman500 wrote: »

Why would you do that???

I think the OP has conditioned since childhood to put her mother first, always at all costs in order to maintain the family system. She is forsaking her own needs and authentic self to maintain a relationship with her mother. Her mother is still the primary authority figure in her life when she hasn't yet individuated and become fully independent. At its core she fears her mother and how her mother might behave, and losing her current relationship status with her mother if she steps out of line. Its the path of least resistance and her mother is clearly extremely manipulative.

It will continue until a major event or realisation with her mother might jolt her into some form of action. Though this will likely be much later in life, hopefully though not when too much has been lost (other relationships, romantic relationship, job opportunities, financial stability, her own independence....etc).

Therapy is a good idea.

This

LegacyUser

Thanks again to you all for your advice and input. I really do appreciate it. I know I need to work through some boundary issues with my mother and unearth some of the dysfunctionality in our relationship. Rather than cowering away, I'm going to face my fears and engage with a therapist as a meaningful step. I also know that I need to nip this in the bud to protect myself going forward from reoccurrence.

I'm taking this away now for introspection. I want to do right by both lodger, parent and not to the detriment of my own mental health either. Whatever decision I make will be guided by that principle, and your objective opinions have helped enormously in that regard.

Mods, feel free to close this thread.

Best,
OP x

SAMTALK

bunny_mac wrote: »

Can you be my mother? :pac:

I can

Stand firm, it's your life and you need to set boundaries .

We rear our children but that does not give us the right to dictate how they live their lives and we have to accept that sometimes we wont agree with things but that how life goes and it's all part of the learning process

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Thread closed as per OP's request. Thank you everyone for taking the time to help and offer advice.

Best of luck OP

HS