Struggling to heal after leaving emotionally abusive relationship

Anongirl306

Hi,

I left an emotionally abusive partner a while ago. I posted here several times about it (falsely accusing me of masturbating in my sleep, silent treatment for days on end over silly disagreements, telling me to make my own dinners and get my own groceries after having a row when I don’t have a car and have been working in a high stress job through the pandemic). I’m by no means perfect but I was a kind, loving, supportive partner and I worked on myself how I could improve in the relationship. We tried couples therapy and he didn’t change. The breakup itself was very traumatic. He moved out and I’m in the process of trying to buy him out of the house which is a huge stress in itself as it’s likely I might not get bank approval although I’m confident I can afford the mortgage. He had to come over last week to discuss logistics regarding the house and he still has so much anger which he projected onto me leaving me in tears. He tells me I’m all over the place when really it’s the other way about. Occasionally letters / parcels will arrive for him and he’ll refuse to pick them up if I’m at home. I carried myself with dignity through the breakup and remained calm and didn’t rise to him when he was trying to break me down last week. I honestly feel a shell of myself and my friends say they’ve noticed I’m not the happy, bubbly person I was. Luckily I have a great support network but I am still really struggling to cope. I have days where I feel ok then days I just count down the hours until bed time so I don’t have to think. I hate him for what he has put me through but the love hasn’t completely gone away. I’d never dream of getting back with him but I’m grieving the relationship and the future we were supposed to have. I’ve been to a couple of different counselors but it hasn’t helped much. I know it will get easier in time. I’m also suffering badly with insomnia which I take supplements for but it doesn’t help much. I still cry a lot.
I’m looking for advice on how to get through this tough time as I’m out of ideas. I go out for walks with friends, do jigsaws etc but I feel like these are all temporary distractions and I’m finding it hard to adjust to living alone. Thanks again to everyone who contributed previously

Goodigal

Sorry to read you're struggling with this. You are going thru so many emotions and you've named them here. Firstly the grief and loss for the relationship and the future together. Secondly when you do interact with him, it never ends well for you. I had that for months after my husband left. He still blamed me for everything despite his actions leading to his situation. And our interactions were dreadful when he came to the house. Might help to have a friend or family member around to reduce risk of him turning on you. And leave his post or parcels. If he badly wanted them, he'd get them.

You need to continue with the counselling to set your feelings straight. You're doing great in terms of distracting yourself with friends and activities. It's just going to take time. I never understood that, but it takes time to heal and feel stronger and then you might start sleeping again.
Writing things down (even here) can help. But you have to wade through these months to emerge in a better place. Hopefully financially you can get things in place and that will alleviate some of the night time worrying.
At the end of the day, you are better off without him. But yes it'll take time to reach the point where you accept that. Hugs to you!

Windmill100000

Hi op, well first of all well done having the courage and strength to leave an abusive partner. That has been the best gift you could have given yourself.

Goodigal is spot on. You are grieving and that is going to take time. I think it is important to be realistic about what you are grieving though. A relationship that you hoped would be better? A hope that he would see the error of his ways and suddenly treat you right? He chose to abuse you and there would have not been a happy life for you down that path. Now though, you have a real shot!

I agree stick with the counselling. Perhaps you are expecting too much from yourself at this stage. The scars from emotional abuse run deep. You never had to be a perfect partner but you were kind and understanding. He on the other hand was controlling and spiteful. It was never going to be a happy and healthy match.

Having been where you now are, I can tell you that you will not continue to feel the way you do. Your feelings around this situation will change so don't doubt that you will remain in this state forever, you won't.

In your shoes I would throw myself into looking at every way possible to keep your home, if that is what you want to do. I'd also read up on the effects of abusive relationships to help you see the reality and destructiveness of them. I'd also continue to explore in therapy why you allowed anyone to treat you as you did. What was your childhood like, for instance.

As for his mail, throw it in a drawer. If he isn't bothered about it, nor should you be. He is enjoying having this tiny bit of control over you contacting him and waiting for him to get it.

As for his anger, well that was to be expected. You left him and he has no control anymore. But that is his issue, not your to dissect and try and understand.

In time you will see this situation very differently, but you have taken the first big step to getting your life back in your control and I applaud you for that. As things start to open up, I'd suggest finding a new hobby to throw yourself into as well, or some study that will give you additional focus on you and your hopes and dreams.

For thie insomnia, get on youtube and google Guided meditations for stress, anxiety and difficult thoughts. They are great for helping to quieten the mind to bring on sleep.

Take care, op. You are in the eye of the storm now but there is a much better life out there for you x

Jequ0n

Hi OP,

A bit dependent on the nature and length of the relationship but: just because your relationship is over doesn’t mean that you are “free” from being played. The longer you were together the more he could study you and you can be sure that he knows which buttons to push to cause maximum damage.
I’d strongly suggest not meeting/ facing him alone because he is much more limited then. Manipulation works best when it is hidden from everyone but the victim so you end up questioning yourself.

If possible try to arrange meetings/ handover a with a third party present to cut down on the mind games.

You might think that you are past this now but you aren’t and it will likely take a while

HildaOgdenx

Not much to add, as others have said, try not to be in a one to one situation with him. If post continues to arrive, he will need to sort out the new address, but meantime, throw it in a drawer or a box, out of your sight.

If feasible, consider renting out a room, in time. It would help on the financial side.

I'd suggest talking to your GP about the insomnia. They may be able to prescribe something short term. Everything seems so much worse, imo, when you are sleep deprived.

You mention seeing a few counsellors. Sometimes it takes time to find the right one, so don't give up.

It's very early days yet, be kind to yourself.

bitofabind

I think you're doing everything right OP. You're just hurt, grieving and in a lot of pain. And that's because you're human. You went through a deeply damaging relationship, a traumatic breakup and now there's some complicated logistics to deal with that are making things even harder. Who wouldn't feel like you do? Who wouldn't struggle? Life isn't a movie where you go through the hard thing and then the next day spring out of bed, ready and excited for the next chapter. You deserve so much kindness and compassion now, please try to be gentle with yourself.

This is hard, so hard, and it's going to be hard for a while. But you're going to get through it. The hard feelings now will give way to a deeper wisdom and perspective and you will grow through it. All you need to do now is to keep swimming through it. If you need to cry, go ahead and cry. Every feeling has a beginning, middle and an end and what feels never-ending now is going to pass because that's life, and feelings can't kill us.

I'm glad to hear you're getting therapy, it doesn't matter if it doesn't feel like it's working now - just having a safe place to vent or sit in silence is healing in itself. Your ex's abuse will have done a number on your self-worth and the journey ahead will be to reclaim that and remind yourself of who you really are. You deserved so much more than his treatment of you and in this next phase of your life, you're going to get a chance to realise that and surround yourself with better and stronger people.

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I know it will get easier in time.

Just keep reminding yourself of this. It's hard, but it passes, I promise you of this x

Rubberchikken

Well done Op for leaving such an emotionally abusive relationship.
That took strength and courage that you have in spades.

Try to interact with him as little as possible. He's a bully and you don't need him in your life at all.

As for his post, I'd second telling him to get a different address for it and in the meantime drop.it in a box out of your sight.

Good luck

Anongirl306

Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive words, it made me emotional reading those. I had bad news from the mortgage broker today the banks won’t approve the loan so it looks like I either have to pay the full mortgage for 6 months to prove that I can (which I know I can) or sell the house (I have 80% equity which is positive) it may be possible to contact the bank directly and see if they will let me take over the mortgage. The mortgage comes from his account but we split payments equally
He ignored my voice message today to discuss options.
When he is ‘picking up mail’ he is in the house for hours doing laundry, taking showers etc (he told me where he is staying he is having cold showers) yet I am paying the mortgage and all the bills. I know that might sound petty but I told him I was ok to co habitate until we finalized the house stuff but he made the call to move out. It’s so frustrating but I don’t know what I can do.
My solicitor is being very helpful and consulting with me each step of the way. I will try other counselors perhaps I just haven’t found the right one yet. I really didn’t want this to get ugly and messy and I really don’t want to lose my home which I have put so much work into I would be devastated.
I’m so overwhelmed with emotions I feel like I am drowning

Tork

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I had bad news from the mortgage broker today the banks won’t approve the loan so it looks like I either have to pay the full mortgage for 6 months to prove that I can (which I know I can) or sell the house (I have 80% equity which is positive) it may be possible to contact the bank directly and see if they will let me take over the mortgage. The mortgage comes from his account but we split payments equally

Would you be willing to rent out a room in your house for a while to ease the burden? Unless the cap has changed, you can earn up to €14,000 a year tax-free. It would be less lonely for you, even if the tenant is just in their room. Also, your ex won't be as badly behaved if he knows there is a third party in the house. At the moment he knows he can swan into the house and take control because it's just you there. He is well versed in how to manipulate you and that's what's happening here.

You need to switch over the mortgage repayments to your bank account - urgently As well as showing that you can cover the mortgage by yourself, it'll also give you back control over the repayments. It's risky to leave the health of your credit history in his hands. It wouldn't surprise me if missed payments come onto the horizon. They're a nice easy way for him to ruin your chances of getting another mortgage. So contact the bank ASAP and move the direct debit to your account.

He ignored my voice message today to discuss options.

I don't know how you deal with this to be honest. Would your solicitor be able to advise? I'm sure they've dealt with couples like this before.

When he is ‘picking up mail’ he is in the house for hours doing laundry, taking showers etc (he told me where he is staying he is having cold showers)

Next time, don't let him into the house. Hand him the mail on the doorstep and send him on his way. I'd advise you to change the locks but that might not be even legal as things stand. There is no need for him to be coming to the house to collect his mail at all - he is doing it to torment you and to show that he is still is the one in charge. It isn't your problem that he seems to have found the only accommodation in Ireland that has no hot water or laundry facilities :rolleyes: Where he does his laundry, has his showers and collects his post are no concerns of yours. All of them are flimsy excuses for him to come to your house repeatedly and spend hours there. He should not be let past the front door. The problem is, your self-esteem is in such a bad place you don't have it in you to turn him away. It wouldn't surprise me if he decides to try and turn on the charm again and worm his way back into your life. Be very very careful. He is not a nice man or a good person. He is not to be trusted.

As everybody has said, keep going to the counselling. If you think your current one isn't a good fit, then try another. It can take a few tries to find one that work for you. Breaking up with him was just one step and perhaps the easiest one. Staying broken up is the harder part.

BingCrosbee

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Do not quote the entire post. In Personal Issues replies are to be directed to the OP. So no need to quote her post. We know it's her you're replying to.

You poor thing. Try not to be alone too much and if you can at all get out for a walk and get fresh air. Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Anongirl306, I remember your previous threads. There were many. This relationship wasn't good. I think your first post about him was maybe 2-3 years ago and you were decided you were finishing with him at that point. But he sweet talked you back with a few flimsy promises and here you are now.

One thing I have often heard is, how a person treats you is all on them. Nothing to do with you. And it's something I never fully believed! Now in my 40s, I get it. I have become less of a people pleaser. I spent years putting myself out for others. Years making life easy for others, yet tougher for myself. And I did it because I'm a good person. And good people, like to do good things, and assume other people are also good people. But unfortunately not everyone is like that. And as a people pleaser it can be very tempting to want to fix things, make things ok, make the other person more comfortable etc.

Over the years he has treated you abysmally. He has given you the silent treatment for days on end. He has moved out of your bedroom, to the spare room, ignored you completely and as soon as you make it known to him that you want to end the relationship he ends up back in your bed.

His living conditions are not your responsibility now. It's not your job to smooth this over. It's not your job to make him comfortable. You know if he comes back to cohabit for a few months you two will end up back together. Him moving out was 100% the best thing FOR YOU. Because, I don't believe you are strong enough to resist him if he shows you any sign of affection whatsoever.

Take control of your mortgage repayments. Contact the bank, tell them you have switched banks. I would not trust him in the slightest to keep up the mortgage payments. The house is majority yours, so if it all goes wrong is the debt majority yours? He might think of he hasn't got the cushy number anymore that he's going to make sure you don't have it either.

First thing in the morning contact the bank, and pray you are not in arrears.

Rent out your spare room. It will take away the temptation of letting him back to stay in it for a while. You have been trying to finish with this fella for at least 3 years. It's now happening. It's scary, and it's unfamiliar. But it is the only right thing to do. You cannot live the rest of your life with someone who treats you like he does.

5 years from now I hope you look back at all these threads and feel a surge of pride that you finally were strong enough to carry it through to the end.

Big Bag of Chips

BingCrosbee, there is no need to quote the entire lengthy post. Please clear the text before replying.

Jequ0n

Anongirl306 wrote: »

When he is ‘picking up mail’ he is in the house for hours doing laundry, taking showers etc (he told me where he is staying he is having cold showers) yet I am paying the mortgage and all the bills. I know that might sound petty but I told him I was ok to co habitate until we finalized the house stuff but he made the call to move out. It’s so frustrating but I don’t know what I can do.

You you know what I’m going to say here already:
Of course he is not having cold showers etc etc, he is ensuring continued access to your life and safe space. The more you face each other the more he stays in your life. And, depending on your setup, he might have access to your personal stuff such as post etc.

I obviously can’t tell how skilled he is but will just assume that he can read you very well.

Do not think that he will follow the same moral principles and decencies you do. Yes, you are polite and want to be fair, and that is nice. But you keep opening up avenues to get back at you.

Talk to a friend/ councillor and set up boundaries. Put them down on paper as a written contract and stick to it. And don’t do it alone.

You are still being played.
I’m sorry, i have done the playing and can see what he’s doing just as others can. More difficult for you because you are in the middle of it. You have taken a big step so don’t undermine yourself now.

wonga77

Fair play for ending things, its not easy at the best of times especially when there are complications like a house involved.
You don't say where you are but is it possible to notify the local sorting office to redirect the mail to his new place?
Also as mentioned above about renting the room out, as an alternative if you're not comfortable with that, would you have a relative or friend that could stay over for a short while? If nothing else, just to put your ex off coming into the house and making himself at home if there's another person about.
Breakups are sh1t but in time you'll look back and be happy with your decision, just don't let him get to you, that's all he's clearly trying to achieve. Good luck

Neyite

Right now you are in the eye of the storm. It will get better from here in time but there will be a few more bumps along the way.

Contact the bank and talk to them, see what your options are. Then do what you can to separate yourself from him financially.

Secondly, I think renting out the spare room(s) is a great idea for two reasons - it gives you a natural, easy way to put a stop to him coming to your house to do laundry and have showers for hours on end, and also, having company in the house, when he does call around, you'll be in 'get rid of ex asap' mode and he won't get the opportunity to hang around and weasel his way into your life again and it'll make it less comfortable for him to hang out when there's another person in the living room looking at him. Also, covid rules still apply so when you've other people there you can't let him in. Win win.

His post, drop it in a box inside the door - I wouldn't even tell him that anything has arrived - not your job any more. If it occurs to him that something might have arrived he can get in touch with you, and call around for it when it suits you (and that new lodger you are going to get might be nice enough to oblige and hand it over on the doorstep. Or tell him he's got until June to change over addresses and after that you'll just return everything to sender.

When I split from my awful ex, I kept a journal for a while. A year later reading the early entries I could see how far I'd come, and how well I'd healed. I had a cathartic ceremonial burning of that journal after that, it had done it's job letting me pour my feelings out when I needed it.

You'll get there, but one thing I do know is that you can only really start the healing process when he's not in your life in any shape or form. As long as he's calling around for his post, laundry or showers you can't start to heal. No contact is really the only way. So look at all the ways he still does that and one by one, cut them off until he's no reason to contact you or see you.

Idle Passerby

Ending an abusive relationship is incredibly hard. If it was easy it wouldn't take so long to do. People who've never been in one can't really appreciate how difficult it it when your confidence and sense of self has been slowly eroded for years. But you've done it and that's amazing!

The hard part is, leaving doesn't solve the problem right away. There's a hard slog after leaving that in some ways can be even tougher than the relationship was. But knowing you are free is a big motivator to keep pushing through all the grief and continued manipulation. He loses power over you with every decision you make that doesn't accommodate his wishes over yours. And you gain power every time you decide to put your own happiness over placating him. It can feel relentless while it's going on but one day, probably sooner than you think, you'll wake up and he won't be the first thing you think of and when he does pop into your head you'll find that rather than sadness or loss, your apathetic to him. Keep going OP.

bitofabind

Idle Passerby wrote: »

The hard part is, leaving doesn't solve the problem right away. There's a hard slog after leaving that in some ways can be even tougher than the relationship was.

This is very true. When I broke up with my alcoholic ex, the hardest part was 6+ months later, when the raw grief for the relationship was out of the way and I had the opportunity to look myself in the eye for the first time and see the life choices I'd made as a result of deeply ingrained negative beliefs about myself going back 20 odd years. Realising how such low self-worth had led to so many painful patterns for me, including enduring relationships and even work environments that were so toxic for me. That's when the real work started.

The good news is, we are human and we are quick learners when we're motivated by pain and suffering. It became unsustainable for me to live with such poor self-worth anymore, and OP - this is where you will land too. You simply couldn't do this while you were in this horrible, painful relationship. Now you're free.

Anongirl306

I’m really touched by all of your responses. This week would have been our 6 years anniversary so that’s making me feel emotional. I know what I need to do, I spoke to him last night about severing finances and buying him out, I offered a sum based on the house valuation and he said he needs a small amount of time to think about it. It’s more than fair based on his contribution. If he agrees I will get a legal document and reapply in 6 months. It’s tough dealing with the logistics of the house as well as trying to cope with my heartbreak and working a stressful full time job. I know I’m just thinking out loud now but it helps

Tork

Did you contact the bank and move the direct debit for your mortgage? You need to sort that ASAP. Even leaving aside the potential he has for ruining your credit record, you need to show that you can pay this on your own. The sooner the mortgage starts coming out of your account alone, the sooner you can move on.

Anongirl306

Tork wrote: »

Did you contact the bank and move the direct debit for your mortgage? You need to sort that ASAP. Even leaving aside the potential he has for ruining your credit record, you need to show that you can pay this on your own. The sooner the mortgage starts coming out of your account alone, the sooner you can move on.

I’m contacting the bank and solicitor first thing tomorrow, thanks Tork :-)

Big Bag of Chips

Make sure you do. Because I assume you are still lodging money to his account to cover the mortgage. Going by his previous ways of treating you I wouldn't be surprised if he was pocketing the cash and letting the mortgage go into arrears. If he decides to walk away from payments there's not much you can do. If he knows he's never going to live there again he won't care if you're threatened with repossession. And I really don't think he cares about maintaining your credit rating. If he lets that slip you haven't a chance of getting a mortgage on your own until you build that back up.

Contacting the bank tomorrow should be your absolute priority. You should have done it today. It should be an easy enough process to say that you've changed bank account and want to update the details.

Tork

I don't think you get how serious the mortgage repayment issue potentially is. A few of us advised you yesterday evening to do something about it but you didn't do a thing about it today. If you do nothing else tomorrow, get on the phone to the bank and organise a new standing order. This is urgent so stop messing around and get it sorted. While you're on the phone to them, double check what your current balance is and makes sure the mortgage is as it should be expected.

Your ex only put 20% into this house so he doesn't have a lot to lose really. You're obviously the person who's earning the better wage and is better with money. He latched onto your coat-tails and got to live in a nice house because he was with you. Unless his circumstances improve he hasn't got a hope in hell of buying his own place. What he can do is ruin your credit record and ensure you will struggle to get another mortgage. As you already know from getting a mortgage in the first place, they go back a long way through your credit records...

Anongirl306

Big bag of chips and Tork I appreciate your advice but it’s not easy for me to contact the bank when I’m in work - I’m a pharmacist and not allowed to leave the premises so I can’t have these phone calls on duty. Tomorrow is my day off and it is my priority. Thanks again

Anongirl306

Just a quick update. Firstly, I have been dreading waking up today all week, it would have marked six years together. But I feel ok. This has given me a glimmer of hope that I am on the path to recovery and I will have the happiness I deserve one day. I know there will be rough times ahead too. I am self aware in that I understand why I accepted this for so long. I have an alcoholic father and a negligent mother. This was my first serious relationship. I have worked hard to build a successful career, I am a good person and I know my worth. If and when I get into a new relationship I know what my boundaries are and what I will not accept. I contacted the bank and have taken over the direct debit for the mortgage which gives me legal protection. He has agreed on a buyout sum based on his contribution and will sign a legal document. My broker is confident that I will get approval when reapply in 6 months time. Thank you all again for your kind and inspiring words.

Goodigal

OP it sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you in relation to the house and finances. Yes, those first anniversary dates/birthdays are weird after a LTR ends, but my wedding anniversary is now just another date on the calendar. Take time to recover from the end of this relationship before you even start to think about a new one. Mind yourself first. Wishing you well.

Big Bag of Chips

Well done. Really well done. Now you need to ask him for his keys back. Or change your locks. You and he are separating. He is no longer contributing to the mortgage. You are in the process of buying him out. He has no right to be in your house anymore.

And maybe, expect a shift in attitude when you make it clear that this is the final leg, and it's all coming to a very definite end. I predict he will go one of two ways. He will either up the ante to try sweet talk you again so that you don't cut him off completely, and will continue to leave the door open for him... Literally! Or he will get very very nasty. He might even manage both!

Protect yourself. Brace yourself. You know you are taking the only steps that you should. This relationship lasted far longer than it should have had, because you gave him far more chances than he deserved. You are the strong one in this pairing, and he knows that. It's why he wanted to stay swinging from your coat tails for all these years.

Well done, OP.

Neyite

It's easy enough to change the locks - and that's probably what I would do rather than ask for keys back.

Firstly, it's your house, you've made a mutually acceptable agreement so once you've got the legal signature on that from him you can change whatever you like without letting him know, assuming he's got nothing of his left in the house. There's only one way he would find out if you've changed the locks and er... not like he can get outraged at not getting access to a house he no longer has any right to enter, right?

And it avoids the hassle of asking him for the keys, or the rigmarole of meeting him to get them off him and just hoping that he didn't get them copied before giving you back the set.

Idle Passerby

In addition regarding the locks,if you ask for the key back I wouldn't put it past him to get his own cut just to spite you. Changing the locks without warning cuts off the possibility of him trying to retain access.

You're doing really well OP. I feel like celebrating a little whenever I hear that someone has gathered the strength to walk from a ****ty situation. Theres a little virtual cheer from me!

Jequ0n

I’d first ask for the keys back and change the lock afterwards (even if you got them back).
If you are dealing with someone who feels easily jilted and who reacts badly as a result the key changing might just aggregate him.

As long as you need to sign things over/ collaborate you don’t need extra aggression.

And make sure to communicate in writing, not verbally via the phone or f2f. You might need records at some stage

Just a tip on the post that worked for a friend of mine when her ex continued sending deliveries to her house, months after their breakup.

She put a large plastic storage box with a lid in the porch and anything that came for him in the post went straight into it. She then text him to let him to let him know that in future, his post would be in the box and he could come and collect it at his leisure, no need for him to call over when she was at home anymore, or for her to be there to give it to him.

After about a month of this he got pissed off and finally stopped getting mail stuff sent to her address.

(eta) she did this after the house had been signed over to her and she had changed the locks, so he couldn't access the house.