Ex trouble

Darmac84

I'm seperated father of 2, my ex decided we should seperate 18 months ago I knew we were in bad place but tried hold together for kids sake. We were married 3 years, I struggled financially as I was paying 2/3 bills while she paid 1/3. We both earned same salary ,meals out hotel stays expensive gifts for birthdays etc I was broke but did it trying keep her happy, we also had other issue like full load of chores was my responsibility, silence treatment was regular occurance if I tried reason with her.Anyway I believed when I was there I loved her and suggested we try counselling before splitting, we last 2 sessions as I mentioned to her she wasn't being honest at it she said she was no longer going, so I left stay with my folks. At first things were OK didnt want upset kids rountine too much, so I take them my folks every second weekend and was going up 3 evenings a week and leave when I have them tucked up in bed.After listening to some complaining thing started change and I was going up more nights, as of now I'm going up every evening till there in bed.i asked her last week for evening free and she refused as she said she has them at night and in mornings so I should do all evenings. I told her I need odd evening get things done but she stood her ground.she also was seeing someone lately and told me i should find someone,I said iv no time for relationship then she went crazy that I wasn't upset she was seeing someone else, I think there finished now she still banging on at me that I never loved her because she expected id be confronting this guy and I'm not. I'm sorry this so long it just she destroying my head.since I left I look back and don't want go back but still have spend every evening in her presence, she does little or nothing round house I wash,dry, kids and her clothes when there in evenings and get kids uniforms and lunches set for next day,tidy up if necessary, I feel miserable that I cant look ahead for myself all I can do is be best dad I can be, I suffer from anxiety and have low self esteem which likely didn't help in our relationship either but I just want move on but can't see how that happens as long as keep having deal with ex everyday.im no good at talking things out as I back down to easily and end up worse off just wish could get it through her head that I dont belong to her anymore and she needs stand on her own two feet and try be fair with me, again sry so long just needed clear my head, be grateful any advice on dealing with these situations

o1s1n

I know it sounds awful but seriously, you've dodged a bullet here to a degree. She sounds like an absolute head melter.

Just figure out how to work the kids situation, but in the meantime know your life will be far better not being in a relationship with her.

Best of luck, don't let her walk all over you. Stand you ground. You owe her nothing.

YellowLead

You poor thing. You sound like you have been used and abused by this ex...and it’s continuing.

Why did you pay 2/3 of bills when you both earned the same salary? Did you never question this? And now she wants you to do the heavy lifting with the kids so she can be free to see boyfriends?

I think you need to stand up for yourself. Think of the kids first - yes - but not her. She clearly doesn’t care for you and you need to get some self respect going and don’t be her puppy any longer.

I am sorry if that sounds mean - because I sympathise with you. But only you can stand up for yourself.

Tork

OP have you spoken to a solicitor regarding separation/custody arrangements? I'm no expert but this looks like a situation that's crying out for some sort of formal arrangement. As things stand your ex is taking advantage of you in a big way and you're reaping few of the benefits.

Porklife

Tork wrote: »

OP have you spoken to a solicitor regarding separation/custody arrangements? I'm no expert but this looks like a situation that's crying out for some sort of formal arrangement. As things stand your ex is taking advantage of you in a big way and you're reaping few of the benefits.

Absolutely agree with Tork. That was a tough read Op. I could feel your heartbreak and get such a strong sense of what a great father you are. It doesn't sound like your ex is being fair with the division of time around your children.

I would firstly advice that you try talking to her in a calm and honest way. I'd have a very clear trajectory of what you'd like to see happen. Have a solid plan that you feel would benefit all of you. It's unreasonable to expect you to put them to bed every single night so maybe suggest Thursdays are her bed nights and you'll come by Friday morning for the breakfast run. Obviously I don't know your guys schedule but ideally what you'd like to see happen is what you should suggest.

If talking to her proves futile, I'd go down the legal road. Speak to Treoir and Citizens Advice and explain your situation. I know it's tricky and probably not how you envisaged your family life being but there's always a solution or way to make it work against the odds.

What would you like to happen Op? How is your relationship generally with your ex, do you get on or is it volatile? How are the kids doing during these changes?

I wish you the very best Op. I understand how upsetting all these changes must be for you all.

Caranica

Have you posted on here about this before. It sounds very familiar?

You definitely need advice, some good suggestions are in the post above mine.

shesty

Talk to a lawyer OP.She is walking all over you.I know you are their father and want to be involved and I know she has them all day (have kids myself so I know what it's like) but that isn't right.

Big Bag of Chips

When a couple separate that means they separate. And do things separately. She can't ask to separate, but then have you in the house to do all the things she doesn't want to do.

The children are in school so it's not like she has them all day and is run ragged. You need to put a more definite access plan in place. You cannot continue to be at her mercy. It is not sustainable longterm. Its not good for you, and its not good for the children.

Do you live near them now? Could they come to your parents house overnights and you drop them to school? Set up a situation that when they are with you they are 100% your responsibility, when they are with her they are 100% her responsibility.

There is family mediation services available for people who are separating. You both have to agree to go, and you can then try to come to an agreement that suits everyone.

Unless the children never sleep, then her having them during the night and every morning is hardly difficult on her.

You are being used and being made a fool of. She needs you more than you need her. But she can't continue to dictate your life. Try to get something in place, and stick to it. She's now a single mother. She needs to adapt to that.

Widdensushi

You need clear boundaries, a clear arrangement. It sounds like text is the best way for contact if she generally walks all over you in a discussion. You will be able to get a divorce in 6 months, maybe get a solicitor to start making a formal arrangement.

Darmac84

YellowLead wrote: »

You poor thing. You sound like you have been used and abused by this ex...and it’s continuing.

Why did you pay 2/3 of bills when you both earned the same salary? Did you never question this? And now she wants you to do the heavy lifting with the kids so she can be free to see boyfriends?

I think you need to stand up for yourself. Think of the kids first - yes - but not her. She clearly doesn’t care for you and you need to get some self respect going and don’t be her puppy any longer.

I am sorry if that sounds mean - because I sympathise with you. But only you can stand up for yourself.

The bills i just kinda drifted into that situation, when I moved into her house I wanted go 50/50 so no messing but she wouldnt let me pay much at first, I seen she was struggling so Insisted taking over some bills then when she off maternity leave I took over most as she had less, when she got back to work I asked could contribute more again but made excuses as to why she shouldn't,I get called tight arse whenever I complained I couldn't meet the bills and give her what she expected, I lack communication skills I always have, my parents argued all time so I guess I'm carrying stuff

Darmac84

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

When a couple separate that means they separate. And do things separately. She can't ask to separate, but then have you in the house to do all the things she doesn't want to do.

The children are in school so it's not like she has them all day and is run ragged. You need to put a more definite access plan in place. You cannot continue to be at her mercy. It is not sustainable longterm. Its not good for you, and its not good for the children.

Do you live near them now? Could they come to your parents house overnights and you drop them to school? Set up a situation that when they are with you they are 100% your responsibility, when they are with her they are 100% her responsibility.

There is family mediation services available for people who are separating. You both have to agree to go, and you can then try to come to an agreement that suits everyone.

Unless the children never sleep, then her having them during the night and every morning is hardly difficult on her.

You are being used and being made a fool of. She needs you more than you need her. But she can't continue to dictate your life. Try to get something in place, and stick to it. She's now a single mother. She needs to adapt to that.

She works 9to5 i have be on road early in mornings as I work distance away too early to drop kids,i moved away from home to live with her i now live with my dad just 5 mins away not my home place my dad move out home place years ago, he's 75 and old fashioned be no help with small kids, he wasnt with us when young, iv no help around this area so I need her help for mornings, I was OK with 3 evenings depending on small child sleeping i go up that evening if not,but its just got more and more, I posted this for my own sanity as wanted see people opinion as she makes me feel I'm being unfair and mean when I ask more time myself

Big Bag of Chips

Could you possibly change your work hours even one day a week, so, for example say you take them Thursday evening, drop them to school Friday morning and have them until Sunday evening? Obviously this could alternate or change to allow you to have weekend time, and to allow her to also share some of the fun weekend time with them to not to always be the one dealing with school days, morning rush, homework etc.

You are both now single parents, and you both need to work around that. Could you talk to your employer about a change in hours 1 week, and maybe you could makeup the hours the follow week?

Your situation is not fair. It's not workable. Going to the house and staying until the kids are in bed and not being there in the morning must be confusing for them. But you not seeing the kids at all all week and then taking them every second weekend is not an option either because that's not fair on your ex.

Lots of single parents have little support around them so they have to make it work. You only live 5 minutes away. You and your ex should be able to come to an arrangement where you share custody, if not 50/50 then at least as fairly as is practical for everyone

You will not be able to agree this together so need a mediator to guide things.

kirving

I hope it's been helpful for your to write out, and as I think you've seen from others' responses, you're being completely taken advantage of.

You need to set very clear boundaries, begin small if it helps. It's obviously difficult as you're thinking of your kids, but start by not doing her washing. If it's in the basket with kids stuff, separate it out and leave it there. Small thing, but it's important that you do nothing for her personally. She left you, remember, so she needs to take on more responsibility.

Again, it might seem petty, but let her make the kids lunches. She knows fine well that the school will be onto her if she sends them in not properly fed, so you have nothing to worry about regarding their wellbeing.

Each of these is her testing the water to see how much of a lap dog she can make of you, getting all of the advantages of a husband, but without any reciprocal effort on her part. She doesn't seem to want to allow you any free time of your own, perhaps since you might have time to find someone else yourself.

It's also very telling that she wants you to be upset about her new relationship, and seems more interested in trying to hurt your self esteem than actually moving on herself.

On top of the above, I think you need a formal arrangement. If anything, it might help you to clarify in your own head exactly what your legal obligations are to her, as this situation will drag on as long as she can make it. You don't want to be here in 5, 10 or 15 years time.

spaceHopper

You need to set boundaries, she decided you should separate and reading about getting pissy becuse you didn't go nuts she was seeing somebody (who probably dumped her) she is having regrets about it, life is not as simple as she expected. She doesn't have men tripping over themselves to get with her. But don't go back she sounds toxic.

Stop doing chores for her. If the kids clothes need doing the do them don't do hers leave them, don't tidy up her mess, kids mess sometimes but not every time.

Make going up to put the kids to be your time with them, she can go out, read book but simply she makes herself scarese, maybe suggest she catch up on house work. She's not involved it's not pretend happy families time.

Pick a time, I'd suggest when you pick them up for the weekend, tell her you'll be over early as you want to talk to her. Have something to distract the kids.

Tell her you can't do every evening, you both need time to yourselves. You'll do 4 evening including the weekend, so Friday, Saturday and two others. She can pick them but it's fixed for 3 months then if you get to pick them, changes every season. If you tell her on Friday she has the weekend to be pissed off and get over it, she's probably text or whatsapp you no end, simply don't reply or tell her you'll talk to her when you drop the children back.

Have you started legal separation, tell her you will leave it a few months but you both need a more stable arrangement, it's been 18 months.

You sound very at sea but at the same time you know what's needed. Have you got counselling for your self it might help.

I don't know how old you kids are but as they get older they will be more independent and you'll have more of your life back.