Co parenting with ex

Cosyglow

Hope this is in the right area . Looking some advice from an outsiders point of view .

I had a brief fling with a woman a few years ago , we had a child together .
There was no real relationship between us , we did live together but were not compatible so it didnt last long .

After many months of squabbling trying to get fair visitation she finally agreed to set days outside the court room , I am happy with this arrangement and so is she .

My problem is her relationship with men , she bounces from one relationship to another , the relationships generally last anywhere from 3months to a year . I usually hear that shes moving in with the latest man about the 3 month mark but I've been lucky enough that her relationships have always broken down before the official move in . She also introduces our child to these men very quickly.

Sometimes I can ignore her , other times I cannot help but tell her cop on . We are both mid 30s btw i have zero tolerance for this nonsense.

I have told her on many an occasion she can date and move in with who she wants but she is not dragging our child with her until shes in a stable relationship , unfortunately my definition of stable and hers are completely different . Our child would of already lived in several different houses with several different men if I hadn't of said no it's not happening.

Shes with her latest man about 6 months and as usual hes " the one " she has mentioned twice that she plans on moving in with this guy shortly ,I think she just presumes she can just bring the child with her wherever she goes , it's also a 90 minute drive from our area . I completely ignored her but I know its going to end up in a row soon .

All I want is for our child to have a consistent and stable childhood , I know she has good intentions too but we are miles apart on what is stable/consistent etc .. Her relationships are dysfunctional to say the least . An endless obsessive search for " the one " .

She has issues and I've to thread carefully, she is vulnerable and definitely has a personality disorder. I have always made sure not to rock the boat too much as she can be difficult.

If I was jumping from relationship to relationships and had our child around random women I think people would frown upon it .

Am I meant to put up with this for this for the next decade or so?
Am I being a pr#ck ?

Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm also dyslexic but hopefully the spell check made some sense of it . Thanks

Porklife

I'm unclear on what advice you're actually asking for. You say you agreed to visitations outside of court but it's clearly not working out if she's bouncing around from house to house.
However, as an unmarried father to this child who is not cohabiting with the mother, you have little to no rights.
She is entitled to date whoever she wants and you speak about her with disrespect. It's none of your business who she dates and if i was her, i wouldn't discuss my love life with you.
Anyway, my advice would be to apply to family court for access so it's legal and formalised.
I don't know for sure but I doubt she'd be allowed move 90 minutes away from you.
What age is your child? Is she in school? If so moving so far away may not be in his/her best interest. That should the main priority at all times.
Saying sometimes you ignore her and you know arguments ly ahead doesn't paint you in a good light either. You're coming across very condescending towards your ex. Regardless of your thoughts on her private life, she is your child's mother and you owe her some respect.
I don't really understand what you're asking for. It sounds like you just want to slate your ex and big yourself up tbh.

Rubberchikken

Op, no I don't think you're bring a p#ick. I think you're a worried parent who's trying to see how to approach this issue without setting off a seemingly vulnerable person.

Maybe you need to speak to a solicitor.
The child's welfare is important and while they haven't been living in various houses with these various partners, the chance of it happening in the future has to be worrying.

Cosyglow

Porklife wrote: »

I'm unclear on what advice you're actually asking for. You say you agreed to visitations outside of court but it's clearly not working out if she's bouncing around from house to house.
However, as an unmarried father to this child who is not cohabiting with the mother, you have little to no rights.
She is entitled to date whoever she wants and you speak about her with disrespect. It's none of your business who she dates and if i was her, i wouldn't discuss my love life with you.
Anyway, my advice would be to apply to family court for access so it's legal and formalised.
I don't know for sure but I doubt she'd be allowed move 90 minutes away from you.
What age is your child? Is she in school? If so moving so far away may not be in his/her best interest. That should the main priority at all times.
Saying sometimes you ignore her and you know arguments ly ahead doesn't paint you in a good light either. You're coming across very condescending towards your ex. Regardless of your thoughts on her private life, she is your child's mother and you owe her some respect.
I don't really understand what you're asking for. It sounds like you just want to slate your ex and big yourself

Wow , Have I perhaps hit a nerve ?
I have genuine concern for the welfare of my child. Its certainly not any of my business who she dates but it is 100 % my business who she has around OUR child , the fact you think its acceptable to have random hookups hanging around speaks absolute volumes , I'm clearly asking am I as a father going to have to put up with this dysfunctional behaviour for the next decade and what I could do about it , is that clear enough ? if I wanted to slate her there would be plenty of people that would listen .I actually cannot believe you are trying to excuse this erratic behaviour whilst also trying to turn it on me.

TheadoreT

You asked for advice and then jumped down the throat of the first person to comment. If you're that assured of your point of view, I'm not sure what anyone can offer here.

Fwiw it sounds rough on the kid and can't imagine what a childhood like that would have been like, so I can see why you'd be protective of exposing them to too many new partners too soon. At the same time you were one of these men(and irresponsible by all accounts) so I'd calm a little on the judgemental tone. Being so opposed to her relationships may be causing difficulties within them. Surely the goal should be she stays with this one and finds stability so I don't think you've much choice than to support her.

qwerty13

I can understand where you’re coming from about the multiple partners drifting in and out of your child’s life. And your child meeting them early on. I can only imagine that is confusing for the child, and worrying for you.

However! You’re not whiter than white here: you were also a short term partner (you said that you had a fling, but also lived with her - which seems a bit more than a fling tbh). You should have been more careful with contraception if you had such doubts about the relationship, and only ever saw it as a fling. And have you just arrived at the conclusion that she definitely has a personality disorder, or has she been diagnosed?

I would think that your best bet is to get legal advice as to whether she can move quite far away from you with your child. I don’t mean that you should ‘go legal’ on it - but get proper advice before saying or doing anything. And consider applying for guardianship if you haven’t already. Is there any possibility that shared custody would work?

Surely the best outcome for your child is that you and your ex both keep things on an even keel with each other. I can’t see that having a row over what you feel that she can/can’t do is going to achieve anything at all - except pour fuel on an already fiery situation.

Big Bag of Chips

How often do you have access? How often do you take the child overnight? Would you consider applying for full custody of the child and her mother having access?

You cannot, in any way, dictate to your ex how she should live her live, who she should date, when she should date, and when your daughter gets introduced to anyone.

As mentioned above, you yourself had a brief relationship with her, which resulted in a child, and you lived together. So this behaviour from her is nothing new.

You cannot change her. But, if you feel she is not an appropriate custodian of your daughter, then you can try to change that.

Wanderer78

Sadly is sounds like this woman may have underlying psychological issues, her behaviour is common with disorders such as borderline and/or bipolar, if so, this can be extremely difficult to deal with co-parenting. If you think your child is being badly affected by this behaviour, which is likely the case, you may have to consider gaining custody of the child, and have them move in with you. It's also important to realise, these disorders are hereditary and environmentally sensitive, theres probably no point in you pointing out her mistakes either, as that will probably cause further problems. Im dyslexic myself, so no need to apologies. Best of luck

YellowLead

Hi OP, you say your ex would have moved your child in with different men in the past if you had not insisted it was wrong for your child, and then also that it never happens because the relationships break down before the actual move in.

So at least it’s not actually happening that she is dragging your kid from place to place - so perhaps it will continue that way and you won’t have anything to worry about.

I agree introducing a child to new partners should only happen once the relationship is stable and for looking like the long term - but your ex might genuinely believe each one is ‘the one’ as you say. Some people aren’t that bright or can’t see the wood for the trees, so your ex probably isn’t intentionally putting your daughter through this.

But there’s nothing you can do about it, except be a responsible parent yourself and set a good example.

Regarding the moving 90 miles from you, I’m not sure a court would prevent this but if your child has regular visits with you and has had them consistently they might as they will always consider what is best for the child. Having said that 90 miles isn’t that far really, so they may see your visits continuing just with a longer drive for you.

I don’t think there is much point bashing your ex too much as you confessed you lived with her, but it wasn’t a relationship. Odd behaviour in my opinion so there was deffo a pair of you in it! The reality is she will always be in your life because of your shared child.

I would definitely approach conversations about moving from man to man always from the perspective of your child’s welfare if your child has been introduced and even talk about ways to talk to your child about such introductions etc. You’ll only annoy her, and it’s none of your business, if you go down the route of character bashing and shaming her. Make it ALL about the child. Perhaps there are some books you could even get her AND read yourself about co parenting and introducing children to new partners - I’m sure there are recommended ways to do it. She might take expert opinions at a higher value than yours. Good luck!

Ann84

Hi OP, your post resonates with me - I have a teenager that I have been coparenting with my ex since she was 4.
Your ex sounds very like my ex and all I can do is try to give share some of my experience and learnings to save you some frustration.

Like your ex, mine bounces from relationships, he can’t be alone - introduced our daughter to women almost immediately, he moved in with his last ex and her child for them to live together for a year, the kids got attached and then they broke up and he refused to let our daughter see his ex’s daughter because he didn’t want anything to do with her so I’ve ended up building a relationship with his ex so the kids can get together and stay in touch! Now he’s planning a move in with the latest and all I can think is here we go again...

So, what have I learned from years of trying to talk to him, be reasonable, go to mediation and just generally coparent...
1. You cannot control what your ex does and in the view of the courts, unless you can prove that her behaviour is actually putting your child in harms way - which basically means accusing her of being an unfit parent and trying to prove that in court, you won’t get anywhere. Note: if you want to pursue this route, you need to be prepared to take full custody from her so you need to weigh the impact of that on your child...
2. With 1. off the table for me, I concluded I have to be the stability in my daughters life - when she is with me, I need to provide consistency and stability and show her what “normal” life should be like
3. I tried mediation but word of warning here - we did agree in mediation that we would agree together before introducing new partners to our daughter - this never happened on his side
4. You can try to minimise your daughters exposure to unhealthy environments by agreeing as much custody as possible. We have 50/50 custody (week on week off) - at least try to get this so that you can give your daughter as much exposure to stability as you can as a coparent
5. Try to not get annoyed (which I know is so so hard!!) you can’t control your ex’s behaviour but know that as your daughter grows older, she will see the way things have been - just be there for your daughter as much as you can
6. Take control of what you can control - the environment you create for your daughter when she is with you...

It took me years of anger and resentment (and maybe the fact that my daughter is growing up) but I feel like I can see things a lot more clearly now - I wish I had spent more time focusing on creating a happy healthy relationship with my daughter and less time fighting with my ex - he’s a **** and that is just never going to change so why waste your time!

I hope some of this is useful for you and rings through... might save you wasting some time and energy and put it into you and your daughter...

Porklife

Cosyglow wrote: »

Porklife wrote: »

I'm unclear on what advice you're actually asking for. You say you agreed to visitations outside of court but it's clearly not working out if she's bouncing around from house to house.
However, as an unmarried father to this child who is not cohabiting with the mother, you have little to no rights.
She is entitled to date whoever she wants and you speak about her with disrespect. It's none of your business who she dates and if i was her, i wouldn't discuss my love life with you.
Anyway, my advice would be to apply to family court for access so it's legal and formalised.
I don't know for sure but I doubt she'd be allowed move 90 minutes away from you.
What age is your child? Is she in school? If so moving so far away may not be in his/her best interest. That should the main priority at all times.
Saying sometimes you ignore her and you know arguments ly ahead doesn't paint you in a good light either. You're coming across very condescending towards your ex. Regardless of your thoughts on her private life, she is your child's mother and you owe her some respect.
I don't really understand what you're asking for. It sounds like you just want to slate your ex and big yourself

Wow , Have I perhaps hit a nerve ?
I have genuine concern for the welfare of my child. Its certainly not any of my business who she dates but it is 100 % my business who she has around OUR child , the fact you think its acceptable to have random hookups hanging around speaks absolute volumes , I'm clearly asking am I as a father going to have to put up with this dysfunctional behaviour for the next decade and what I could do about it , is that clear enough ? if I wanted to slate her there would be plenty of people that would listen .I actually cannot believe you are trying to excuse this erratic behaviour whilst also trying to turn it on me.

I didn't say nor do I think having random hookups around is acceptable so im not sure what volumes you're hearing.
You speak in a patronising way towards your ex and immediately spoke down to me too.
I did not try to excuse her erratic behaviour either. I'm not sure why you think that.

I don't have a child but I can understand how difficult co parenting must be and especially around things like moving house, which is stressful enough as a single person, and a child meeting new people regularly.
Unfortunately, as an unmarried father who does not live with the mother or child, you have very little rights. In fact, unfair as it may be, aside from agreed access you have no legal rights.

That is why my practical advice would be to apply to family court for more structured access and enquire about the legality around her moving 90 minutes away. Will that distance affect your ability to see your child? You could also apply for 50/50 custody whereby you would have a say in where the child lives.
That's what you should be aiming for. The only way to ensure stability in your childs life is if you have legal rights which at the moment, you don't.

You should build a case as to why you want shared custody and why its in the best interest of your child and go family court. You may need to prove why you feel she is unstable etc and let the judge decide. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life having very little control over what she does or where she goes and it could be a nightmare.
Personally, I'd be going to family court well armed with validated reasons why you should have shared custody. Speak to citizens advice and Treoir. I do know from recent research that unmarried men have little to no rights but trying at least is your best bet in my opinion.

Xterminator

OP you are trying to impose your morals and way of thinking on the childs mother. You have no right to do so.

In fact its a bit over-reaching of you to do so. you dont get to dictate her lifestyle or morals. An example of this is your telling her she cannot introduce her child to a male fried unless it meets your definition of 'stable'. that's not your call - and i assure you there are many different opinions of what constitutes a stable relationship. Thats controlling of you, and boy have some of your comments come across that way in this thread - even if unintentional.

Of course her lifestyle does impact on your child. If you have evidence she is hurting your child's well being ( as recommended by porklife) you should get down to the court and present all your evidence and get shared/complete custody. For that to work you will have to present your evidence to an impartial judge who will have the child's best interest in mind. things like school records can show if the child is attending regularly, and happy in class etc. That's evidence - and not opinion. And if you can pass that level of proof - that is exactly what you should do.

Otherwise please stop making judgements about the mother and/or issuing the mother with its my way or the highway' type ultimatums. Start co-operating with the mother and trying to parent by agreement and consent for the good of the child. If she thinks her child should meet her current partner, and in the absence of other evidence and red flags, that should be good enough for you.
Get over your

zero tolerance for this nonsense.

and start co-parenting.

Porklife

Thanks Xterminator. I read the post the same way, controlling undertones and very judgemental.
Op, you say this was a brief fling and not even a real relationship and yet you moved in with this woman and had unprotected sex with her, not exactly the actions of a responsible adult.
Saying your ex fling is desperate to meet "the one" comes across very callous. As a single woman why wouldn't she want to meet the one or someone she's really happy with? She has a child and I'm sure she'd love to be a little family unit, there's nothing wrong with her wanting that.
You don't get to dictate who she sees or where she goes or anything frankly.

As Xterminator rightly says above, if you have sufficient evidence that she's an unfit mother or your childs welfare is in jeopardy then go to an impartial judge and let them determine the outcome. Otherwise, you should be happy that she's met somebody she feels is the one. You don't know the inner dynamics of her relationship and it's none of your business. Unless her new partner or their blossoming relationship is negatively impacting your daughter then butt out.

Focus on your child and not on the private life of your ex whatever. I hasten to use the words ex partner or girlfriend as you quickly dismissed her as nothing despite fathering a child with her.
Maybe don't move in and have children with flings you're not compatible with and seemingly have no respect for.

Good luck, ive a feeling you'll need it as you clearly don't have good judgement.

Big Bag of Chips

Wanderer78, your post above suggest medical diagnosis of some form which is not allowed on the site, for a number of reasons, not least because it is simply impossible to diagnose anyone with anything based on a few lines of text.

Posters are reminded to familiarise themselves with The Forum Charter.

Big Bag of Chips

All posters are reminded that posts in Personal Issues are expected to be mature, and civil. Taking pot shots at other posters, particularly the OP who has come asking for advice is not on.

Porklife, your last post falls short of that. There are many ways of offering advice and opinion. If you can't think of a way of doing it kindly, then sit on your hands for a while until you figure it out!

SmallgirlBigcity

Wow I can't believe the abuse you're getting on this thread, it's shocking. I think your thread is a reasonable question to bring up. A lot of people are giving you stick for having a fling with the result of a pregnancy, but sure that can happen to anyone. I wouldn't call that irresponsible behaviour. How ridiculous. Sounds like you stepped up to be a father to your child which is responsible! The way the child's mother dates and introduces partners to the child is your business and its something I would certainly worry about. These things can affect children massively. I've no major advice to give. Just wanted to say the above. Some other posters gave great advice about how to handle the situation. Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Porklife, off topic reply deleted.

You've already had an onthread warning. Please reread The Forum Charter.

Wow some seriously sh11ty advise from some posters.
I wage a guess, have had a beautiful Rose tinted childhood with 2 parents who had a wonderful marriage?
Or people who have never had a fling, never had a child out of wedlock shock!
I stopped reading at post 4.

Op it's a shi1ty life to be dragged around from men to men, its so damaging and unstable.
I've lived it and wouldn't put any child through it.
I have very little advice because I don't know any legalities around it but I can tell you one thing, I sure would have liked my father to swoop in and right the wrongs.
Seek as much legal advise as you can and be the stability the little girl needs.

Porklife

Porklife wrote: »

Thanks Xterminator. I read the post the same way, controlling undertones and very judgemental.
Op, you say this was a brief fling and not even a real relationship and yet you moved in with this woman and had unprotected sex with her, not exactly the actions of a responsible adult.
Saying your ex fling is desperate to meet "the one" comes across very callous. As a single woman why wouldn't she want to meet the one or someone she's really happy with? She has a child and I'm sure she'd love to be a little family unit, there's nothing wrong with her wanting that.
You don't get to dictate who she sees or where she goes or anything frankly.

As Xterminator rightly says above, if you have sufficient evidence that she's an unfit mother or your childs welfare is in jeopardy then go to an impartial judge and let them determine the outcome. Otherwise, you should be happy that she's met somebody she feels is the one. You don't know the inner dynamics of her relationship and it's none of your business. Unless her new partner or their blossoming relationship is negatively impacting your daughter then butt out.

Focus on your child and not on the private life of your ex whatever. I hasten to use the words ex partner or girlfriend as you quickly dismissed her as nothing despite fathering a child with her.
Maybe don't move in and have children with flings you're not compatible with and seemingly have no respect for.

Good luck, ive a feeling you'll need it as you clearly don't have good judgement.

Yeah nothing wrong with wanting a stable family unit, how cute.
But she is an adult, who has birthed a child.. So, a little reservation and self control wouldn't go astray especially with a little human on board, when we have kids we have other peoples feelings and development to protect, its a mother and a fathers job, from what I can see the op is worried, the mother is jumping head in only thinking of numero uno

leggo

OP it’d be nice if you guys could get on the same page about this, but you aren’t and likely won’t. As much as you mightn’t want to hear or accept this, it’s not actually your place to dictate these things to her. Unless you can prove beyond reasonable doubt that she’s caused any actual, tangible damage to your child, the law will come down with her in any disputes like this and that’s all that ultimately matters, whether you or anyone else agrees with it morally.

So I suggest you focus instead on, as someone already suggested, giving stability and consistency to your child in their time spent with you and hope for your ex and child that this latest partner is the one. By continuing to fight a losing battle, the most realistic outcome is that you change nothing in her personality/dating type and just create a contentious relationship where you further limit your opportunities to positively impact your child’s life.

Big Bag of Chips

Yellow for username2020. There have been multiple on thread warnings.

Please read The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Wanderer78, as per the Charter, discussing Moderator action on thread is considered off topic posting. I have deleted your post. Please read the Charter before posting here again.

Thanks

HS

bitofabind

Agree with others, this isn't an ideal environment for your child to be in, but there's little you can do about it.

It sounds like you're in this position due to being one of "these men", so it's time to stop focusing on how you can reason with your ex and get her to change her nature, and time to start focusing on what you can actually control. Which is the stability you provide to her when she's with you, and looking at the legal side of things to see if you can secure a better custody arrangement.

Giving her that safety and stability now will model to her a healthier approach to relationships and a different belief system that will stand to her as she gets older.