Breakup 2 months ago but feeling at my lowest only now

LegacyUser

So my boyfriend of 5 years ended things with me suddenly 2 months ago by telling me he'd never loved me when I said I loved him. I'm 50 and he's late 50s. I was shocked and devastated, because although he never told me he loved me, I presumed he wouldn't be with me if he didn't. We didn't live together but same county and it worked for us. I was his longest relationship, and he's had many more than me.

Although I know there's no going back, I'm actually feeling worse now than I did at the start, crying more. My main issue now is I keep imagining him with someone else and she'll be the one, even though he's had a few failed relationships already.

Can anyone talk some sense into me that's been through something similar? I'm just feeling miserable.

YellowLead

Hi OP,

All of what you are feeling is natural but you have to try and stop imagining your ex with another woman. Instead imagine yourself as a confident strong worthy woman who will meet somebody else.

Not exchanging I love you’s until 5 years down the line sounds like it was a bit more of a casual relationship than you might have liked. If being in love is important to you then you need to have those conversations MUCH earlier on so 5 years and a lot of emotional investment doesn’t happen next time around.

If he was in his late 50s and never had a relationship longer than 5 years - was he a player? Did he ever desire to settle down? He may keep repeating this pattern long term.

Allow yourself to grieve but focus on you and not him/his future. Time is really the best healer, and chatting with friends and family if you have them. Cry and write all your feelings down in a journal - the writing is therapeutic for so many.

leggo

It’s hard not to think about when things are raw, and near-on impossible not to ask questions like “Why wasn’t I enough?”...but, in truth, those are irrational questions out of emotion not dealing with the reality of the situation.

Break-ups are merely a result of two people deciding they aren’t compatible to spend *the rest of their lives* together. That’s important to note, because it’s a huge commitment that requires a lot to go and stay right. Someone breaking up with you isn’t them saying “You’re a horrible person/You’re unattractive/There’s something wrong with you.” If those things were the case, they wouldn’t have been with you to begin with. What it’s saying is “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.” And, yes, that’s still jarring if that was your plan...but the bit of perspective may take some of the sting off.

The truth is that break-ups make us confront our worst fears or insecurities about ourselves. Mentally, we can deal with a person not being around: think about how we can just fall out of touch with people who we were once inseparable with, sometimes without even realising. But why they sting is because we’ve attached our self-esteem to how another person sees us. When you feel sad, try connect with your sadness and get to the root of what’s making you sad: to do that you just need to start with “Why am I said?” then keep asking “why?” until you get to the bottom of it.

That’s your issue, not this guy. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you anyway, do you? He’s just someone that you had in place as a ‘solution’ to those issues, and now you’re learning why that can be unhealthy. The good news here is that, if you commit to it and are brave enough to navigate the bad thoughts, you can cure yourself and come out of it stronger. And then not only will you not care about him, if he’s got a new woman and if that’ll work out...you can come back from it more secure than ever and will see the prospect of dating again almost exciting because it’ll be a brand new adventure that you’ll deal with healthier than you ever have in your life. Good luck OP.

Tork

OP, I'm sorry you're so upset. Saying "I love you" is a big thing and to have it thrown back in your face as cruelly is really not what anybody would expect. Have you talked this over with anybody? Talking really does help I find.

Maybe I'm wrong but I get the feeling that you and he were in different relationships. It's obvious that you were emotionally invested in this and fell for him. The way he cruelly cast you aside when you finally said those three words raises questions about what he was getting out of this. If you reflect more deeply on this relationship in the coming weeks, you might start to see that it wasn't the relationship you thought it was. Did you fill in the gaps with your imagination? What sort of boyfriend was he? Kind, affectionate, supportive, generous? Or would you have described him as "not very romantic" and not in touch with his feelings? I think the warning signs were there but you didn't see them. I also wondered why it took 5 years for you to say "I love you" and that he had never said what he felt about you. My guess is that he saw this as a casual arrangement with benefits and that it was great when you were somewhat at arm's length.

A person's past behaviour is often an indicator of how they will behave in the future. Nothing in this man's track record suggests that he's all that interested in finding "the one". He has made it to his late 50s without a long-term relationship to show for his years out there. He was happy to keep this thing going with you for 5 years even though he knew he didn't love you. He'd probably be more than happy to just meet another woman who he could casually see, but not commit to.

LegacyUser

I personally don't think he's a kind person. He would have known how you felt a long time ago and he chose to string you along for this length of time knowing he didn't feel the same. It's selfish. You're better off without him.

People often recommend counselling if people aren't getting over a break up, of course you could try it but I would say that at 2 months this is still perfectly natural and normal to feel this way and all part of the break up/grieving process.

You might benefit from some kind of therapy for intrusive thoughts such as him meeting someone else.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the very helpful replies. And wow, Tork, you're spot on with so many things. I had actually told him I loved him before this and his reply was that he's not very good at saying these things. Looking back, I was definitely more emotionally invested than him. He never really could talk about feelings and emotions and it was all about the craic. He wasn't romantic. He was so cold when I asked him how he felt about me in the end, when his response was he'd never loved me. I believe I was strung along as I thought it was more than casual, and would continue to have been strung along.

I think I do need to talk to someone professionally as I'm feeling so low in myself.

YellowLead

Good that you made that decision - you might need help in building up your self esteem which I am guessing is very low.

Never hand your heart to a man on a platter - only share it with him when he is equally sharing his with you.

OP you probably have learned about some serious red flags to watch out for to stop this happening again. Dealing with this, and building up your self esteem will make you stronger - onwards and upwards.