Worried about partner's anger

LegacyUser

Hi Boardsies,

I would really appreciate some objective views on a situation that has developed.

Background Fiancé and I are three years together. We've a one year old and another baby on the way in 3 months. We both have good jobs and we've been given mortgage approval and looking at buying in the next few months - on paper at least, it looks like we have everything, and I really feel like we have to be honest. I've been so happy the last while and really looking forward to our little family settling down in our new place etc. We are both wfh and juggling childcare too.

However, I have noticed over the last few months, that my fiancé has changed. He has become more irritable, and tends to have a shorter fuse than when we first met. For a while, he was so patient and was the kind of person who always looked on the bright side, never stopped talking, always assumed the best of everyone and was generally the quiet, non-confrontational type. Over the past few months this has changed. I know he has stresses in work - he isn't being promoted despite having the responsibilities of a senior role. He tends to always work late/ lunchtime etc. and I understand that he has had a lot of negative feedback in terms of his performance.

I'm also concerned that he feels trapped. To be honest both pregnancies were a surprise. The pill failed on the first and on the second, we used barrier protection which tore and I think he feels it "isn't fair" that we got caught out because in his mind we were being careful etc. Still, I adore our little girl and am still excited that she will have a sister close in age. But, I feel like resentment is setting in. He didn't want children so soon, and I think he misses our life before where we lived apart and would meet for dinner, go to trendy little wine bars etc. I miss it too (and I am sure lots of people are missing the social element of things since covid!) but I feel sad that a life with me and his two babies isn't enough to offset that feeling of resentment. I know he loves our daughter, but I feel like he would rather be in a different walk of life right now.

Lately, if I say anything to him, he just snaps and becomes defensive. I will admit that pregnancy has not been easy for me, and my mental health suffered second time around, so I have not exactly been a beacon of how one should behave in an adult relationship, but his tolerance is at zero now. When I try to talk to him, he just gets defensive and blames everything else. I will always apologise for bad behaviour, and try to explain it (without using pregnancy as a direct excuse).

I've told him that I feel lonely in our relationship. It wasnt meant as a criticism, just that I think it is important to communicate if we feel a certain way, and he just used covid as an excuse, saying we can do stuff together when its over. I think he missed what I meant about loneliness. It isnt going out and doing things we can no longer do that I miss, it's his lack of emotional availability. He'd rather be in his room on the computer than spending time with us. I have to ask if he would like to come for a walk with me and the dog. We start to watch a film and he just falls asleep and snores on the couch beside me. And, if we argue, he just retreats to his room after and slams the door. Five minutes later I will hear him snoring and know that he clearly isn't lying in bed worrying about all that we said. Next day, he will just pretend nothing happened, which makes me feel like I've gone mad

Yesterday was a good day, and he said he would take my feelings on-board about us not doing stuff together, and he decided to make dinner. I was in the kitchen with him, playing with our baby in her play area. Obviously whatever he was making didn't turn out well as I could sense the tension building. I asked a few times if he wanted help and he just shouted at me there was nothing I could do, the house was sh*t, the cooking appliances were sh*t and "this is what happens when you want me to make you something new for dinner". I told him just stick it in the oven, we will eat it anyway sure doesn't matter what it looks like? He threw the whole thing in the bin swearing and then stormed into his room. I could hear banging but I didn't investigate because I was with my baby. A few times already he has shouted at me in front of her when we argue, and she gets so upset. A while after, I found his iPad on the table in the hallway, completely smashed up. I asked him what the hell happened and he said he smashed it against the wall in a temper. I was really shocked and told him this isn't normal behaviour. His response was "it wasn't working well anyway" and "its my iPad so I can smash it if I want". Then he tried to convince me he has "loads of friends who would do stuff like that" and I was over-reacting. When I told him his behaviour was that of someone who can't control their feelings, he suggested that on the contrary, going into his room and smashing an inanimate object was preferable to smashing up a person, and that it somehow demonstrated a measure of control - I still can't get my head around that one!

I don't think I am over-reacting. If a dinner sends him that much over the edge, what if our baby acts out when he is in charge of her care? Soon there will be a toddler and a newborn. And kids push our boundaries, that's what they do. I asked him this and of course he said he loves her and that would never happen, but isn't this how most domestic abuse situations start out, and then they just slide and slide until one day you are so much in the thick of it that you don't even know it's wrong anymore? I don't want to be hysterical and over-react but I also don't want to be a boiling frog. And more than anything... my daughter's welfare is my overriding concern. If I can't trust him with her, then where do we go??

He says this kind of thing is normal, but it isn't the "normal" I was raised with. I know that his dad was physically abusive to him, his sisters and his mother, and perhaps his exposure to this has altered his perception of what is acceptable in a home?

I just don't know what to do. I need to think about my babies first and foremost, but I don't know what's best.

Am I completely over-reacting to what could just be a very stressed out man?

YellowLead

Hi OP,

If your feelings that he thinks it was too soon to start a family/he feels trapped are correct then that is ABSOLUTELY not your fault. Nobody put a gun to his head and said he had to remain in a relationship with you because of the initial pregnancy, he chose to stay and by choosing should have done so whole heartedly or not at all. You have done nothing wrong here.

While it sounds like covid has added to his stress levels, (and indeed it has made a lot of people suffer mentally and lots of couples are struggling) - how somebody reacts in times of such stress is an indication of how they would react in other times of stress.

While throwing things and shouting doesn’t necessarily mean that will ever progress to physically hitting you or the children you share - it is in itself a concern. It’s very frightening to see people fly off the handle and smash things - for you and for your kids.

Stressful time or not - he needs to acknowledge he is acting like a dick and try to sort it out, or you could be in for a lifetime of him losing his temper whenever things don’t go his way in life, and that is a difficult person to live with.

I don’t really have any advice for you - just a lot of sympathy. All you can do is monitor how things go in the coming months and see if he opens up to you. Him saying such behaviour is ‘normal’ isn’t a great sign. It might get to a stage where you tell him he needs to sort out his behaviour, or at the very least recognise it’s not normal and apologise, or you give him the ultimatum that you are leaving him. If he choses the latter it’s unfortunately an indication that he’s not really feeling the relationship, and rather than having the balls to tell you he expected you to take the lead and break up with him.

Are you very close with any of his family or friends to be able to have a chat with them and say you are worried about him?

I really hope it all works out and he mans up. If not you will be okay without him.

Yurt2

The damaging of household objects is not good. And you are not overreacting; this is your life and his moods and short fuse are having an effect on your mental wellbeing and the general domestic situation with the kids, this will get more profound over time unless there is intervention.

This is not an excuse for his behaviour, but I've seen a couple of people's domestic situation spiral because of the pressures of kids, covid, work from home etc.

An appointment with a GP may be in order if he is amenable to it (and he really really should be). He really needs to be accountable to his partner here.

piplip87

It seems like been work from home in a high pressure job has got to him. It got to me during the summer. I went off like a switch and at once stage nearly lost my relationship over a few incidents like you describe. One major incident which resulted in me back in the mothers for 2 months.

Before COVID after a bad day at work I had the journey home to clear the head before getting in the door to the family. There was a barrier between work and homelike.

I went for counselling to sort the anger issue out. Although I previously worked as a content moderator so had some issues left over from that.

What I have done is, after breakfast go for a run before I start work and the same after work. It helps put up a barrier between work and home. I also now have a dedicated work space. Its a small room that was once a wardrobe. When I leave it in the evening I lock the door and don't go into it until the next morning.

We all get stressed and angry the pandemic has taken away many people healthy ways of dealing with that. It could be shopping the gym or even going to a football match.

Make sure you are getting some time for yourself too.

Dr. Em

Hi OP,
Please get in touch with the HSE or women's aid helpline, or get in touch with your GP to find out what counselling services are in your area. It sounds like you and your partner both need some outside support right now. Covid is hard on everyone and you are going through substantial life changes and stresses, and your partner is obviously struggling to deal with stress and anger. A professional opinion could help, or even just provide a confidential outlet for your concerns. Otherwise, you could try to approach your partner about strategies to reduce stress. Is there anyone your daughter could stay overnight with so you could have some alone time? Maybe the idea of a mortgage is adding to your partner's stress, or maybe he needs a change of career?
Talk to family or friends too if you can - a problem shared is a problem halved.
Take care.

Neyite

When I told him his behaviour was that of someone who can't control their feelings, he suggested that on the contrary, going into his room and smashing an inanimate object was preferable to smashing up a person, and that it somehow demonstrated a measure of control - I still can't get my head around that one!

It's also telling the bystander to behave because if they don't, it might be your head smashing off the wall not an ipad. It's one of several hallmarks of a domestic abuse as detailed by domestic abuse organisations. Here's a book you might find useful - you can download the kindle app and read it on your phone if you need.

You have children who look to you both for healthy examples of how to treat family members, how to treat partners. He's teaching his daughter that a wife is there to be yelled at, yelled to and the scapegoat for all the stresses daily life throws at us. She will normalise that behaviour from a man, and gravitate towards a partner like that as an adult.

Whether this sudden behaviour is the emergence of a pandemic/lockdown stress or whether it's the emergence of a latent abusive partner behaviour I can't tell you. But either way, it's time to get serious here. Ask him to leave, or leave yourself with the baby- you need to show him that this is not what you are willing to tolerate. If it is temporary, he will need to find ways to manage this stress away from your babies, and show you he's willing to do the work to fix this. If its something innate that's only now coming to the surface then you may need to make the split permanent to protect yourself and your children.

Best of luck.

MissShihTzu

I would put all thoughts of buying a house out of your mind for now. It's not even a starter for 10. Your first responsibility to your toddler and the soon to be here baby. This is not doing you any favours and for your daughter to be witnessing the kind of behaviour exhibited by your partner is unforgivable in my book.

The lockdown has badly affected the mental health of everybody. There's no break between work and home life if you're lucky enough to be WFH and for those on furlough, it's even worse. I get all that.

The time has now come for you to put your cards on the table. You didn't make these children alone - he needs to accept his part in it too. His responsibility is to you and his family. Ask your partner to sit down at a calm time and have a chat. Ask him to make an appointment to see his GP and he needs to arrange some kind of counselling. If he has health insurance, it might be possible to arrange telephone sessions - in person would be better but impossible given the current circumstances. In the meantime, he needs to leave the house to give some space and allow him to pull himself together.

What's the WFH arrangement? Does he have a dedicated space to work and does he have the ability to walk away and leave it at the end of the day? Or at least, some fold up equipment which he could pack away every day if you have no space?

I wish you luck, strength and a healthy pregnancy and beyond. You're going to need it.

notsoyoungwan

This is not normal. It’s escalating domestic abuse. It’s no way for you and your children to live. I think you need to get out now, before it’s your head that’s smashed off the wall. This is serious, op.

Very worrying behaviour OP.
Domestic violence does more often than not start when a woman is pregnant and defenseless, please mind yourselves and babies.
There is lots of help out there, even just to get a feel for it, you don't need to tell them who or what the situation is, just good to know where to go if you need it.
If possible id ask him or you and your daughter go to a family members for a few weeks if it was an option. There's nothing like standing back to assess a situation from a distance to give you perspective.
I'm speaking from personal experience, pregnant and it started like your situation, went on for 2 years until I walked and never looked back.
Pm me if you need any help or anything.

Also domestic violence isn't just physical.

Rubberchikken

mod note

Username2020

Offering a PM is not acceptable in PI.

Rubberchikken

Jequ0n

This has been me at times (and worse), and it only changed when I realised that the problem was me and not everything else around me. I still get like this at times but not as frequently.

Whatever his stress factors are he will need to address them and you might need to find a way to deal with things differently together.

And for heaven’s sake, find suitable contraception that works for you both. I get one unplanned pregnancy but two in such a short period of time is insane. You have both added massive stress factors to your lives this way..

LegacyUser

Hi all

OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to share your views with me. It's been very enlightening to hear different viewpoints. We had a conversation last night and he has expressed remorse and said it will not happen again. I've made it clear to him that there won't be any more chances. We also had a video call with his family, and they have agreed his behaviour was out of line (and character). I think his mother was quite taken back by the whole thing.

Mods I think the thread can probably be closed. Thank you all for your posts and sharing experiences etc.

TheBoyConor

That is textbook example of the early stages of domestic abuse. It may be smashing a ipad on the wall now, but as they always do, things escalate over time and sooner or later it could be you, or god forbid, one of the children he will be smashing against the walls. When we look at tragic cases like Baby P and the like, they probably started out similar enough and escalated over time with tragic consequnces.

As they say, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Neither will he. The writing is on the wall. For the good of yourself and the children you should get out of this relationship that is headed in a toxic abusive direction. For the moment, go to womens aid or some other domestic violence place of help.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I’ve was in a long term relationship where my partner had explosive outbursts. The intensity of them grew over the years through a combination of things, jobs not going right, things out of his control, or perhaps a night out where something irked him or where I annoyed him. I always tried to placate or help him but the outbursts became even more frequent. He exploded at me once on holidays/weddings/night outs and screamed at me in front of friends and onlookers. We had multiple discussions about this behaviour but it was swept under the carpet and kept happening. I was expected me to deal with it, he kept saying ‘thats just the way he was’. Throughout the relationship I kept minimising and diffusing the behaviour but there was also a push/pull where he love bombed me so I’d stay but then wasn’t emotionally available when I needed him. Towards the end of the relationship he got drunk one night and shoved me against a wall, I left shortly afterwards. I felt extremely isolated as I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone. It was a very lonely place at the time.

– Firstly this is not normal behaviour and you are not over reacting.
– It is not acceptable for him to behave like this, there are no excuses.
– Don’t blame yourself in anyway, ie pregnancy, children, your behaviour. Just no.

Step back and assess the relationship with a very objective viewpoint. It could have been that there were tell tale signs but ones that were well hidden. I do understand with Covid everything is now like a pressure cooker so could be escalating the behaviour but that’s still not an excuse.

Trying to break things down into what can you do:
When he’s calm, talk to him again, explain your concerns, you aren’t demanding anything at this point but just showing concern. Don’t get emotional, don’t get angry, it will only result in another escalation, just try and open up to each other.

Try and make a plan with him, he needs to figure out and assess what sort of anger is it and then how to deal with it, sport, exercise, talk to someone. This is hugely important, he needs to do this. If he can’t make the first step to motivate himself and take responsibility for this behaviour, this anger cycle will continue and over time may escalate.

Take time out for you and reach out to friends and family, even his family maybe? Have an open conversation about this and don’t isolate yourself. You need support here and someone to turn to. This is hugely important for your own sanity and not to feel so alone.

Have somewhere to go if these outbursts spills into something more. I know with Covid this may not be possible but your safety and that of your children are your primary concern. I never believed my ex would shove or push me but he did.

This behaviour is not healthy for your children in any way. If he can’t see the impact this is having on them, that speaks for itself.

After having conversations and there is no change, indicate this is a deal breaker to him. You cannot live life like this. I’m sorry but walking on eggshells, tip toeing around when he might explode again? Or what happens if he gets drunk, explodes and it turns physical? Your life will be spent minimising this type of behaviour, excusing it, blaming yourself, trying to protect your children and hiding it from friends and family. Its a lonely existence.

As for my ex, I saw him about three years ago, screaming at his new girlfriend in a packed pub while she sat in floods of tears. My heart sank for her.

Hannibal_Smith

Worried37 wrote: »

Mods I think the thread can probably be closed. Thank you all for your posts and sharing experiences etc.

Mod Note

Hey OP

I can close the thread now as requested, if you like.

Given there have been a couple of posts after you asked the thread to be closed, I'll leave it open for now to give you a chance to read and digest what's been said and in case you want to respond to it. However if you still want it closed we can do that for you, just let us know.

Thanks

HS

TheBoyConor

You have serious reason to doubt this relationship.

It's over in my opinion - the writing is on the wall. Finish it.

Jequ0n

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You have serious reason to doubt this relationship.

It's over in my opinion - the writing is on the wall. Finish it.

And the OP has to finish her relationship because of your opinion?
They addressed it and are both willing to work on it together.

TheadoreT

I think you should seriously advise him to take an anger management course. He sounds very emotionally immature and id hazard a guess this is whats holding his employers back from giving him the promotion he thinks he deserves. He can't deal with simple conflict and every negative emotion he feels is processed through anger. A lot of guys are similar and its usually deep insecurity at the core. He may feel you're too good for him and then every time he perceives he messes up(like the dinner) its a negative reinforcement of his beliefs. This could be helped with therapy now or escalate into something far more seriously down the line.

Jequ0n

TheadoreT wrote: »

I think you should seriously advise him to take an anger management course. He sounds very emotionally immature and id hazard a guess this is whats holding his employers back from giving him the promotion he thinks he deserves. He can't deal with simple conflict and every negative emotion he feels is processed through anger. A lot of guys are similar and its usually deep insecurity at the core. He may feel you're too good for him and then every time he perceives he messes up(like the dinner) its a negative reinforcement of his beliefs. This could be helped with therapy now or escalate into something far more seriously down the line.

So many assumptions based on nothing.

TheadoreT

Jequ0n wrote: »

So many assumptions based on nothing.

Based on an extremely long post with him showing several signs of anger issues and lack of emotional intelligence you'll find