No intimacy plus he’s still not ready to meet my kids

SallySeven

I’ve been in a wonderful relationship for the last 10 months. He is kind, affectionate, intelligent, honest and generous. I’ve honestly never felt so happy and so loved and cherished.

From the beginning, intimacy has been an issue. We have loads of hugging, kissing, holding hands, but he doesn’t seem to want to go beyond that.

To complicate matters, we haven’t had opportunities for privacy either (our living situations and lockdown etc) but he has said many times that he looks forward to the future when we can be in bed together. He constantly tells me how attracted he is to me and constantly says I’m sexy etc. He’s very tactile and tender.

A few days ago he got upset. We were kissing and he said he feels awful that he’s not meeting my needs. I reassured him that it’s all fine, in the future we’ll have more opportunities to be together and be intimate. He asked if it’s something I want. I said yes because I’m very attracted to him. (He has said many times he wants it too.)

But then out of the blue he said I should take some time to think about what I need and want because he’s not meeting my needs so if sex is very important then how can we have a future? He said he loves how things are right now, he’s never felt so happy and in love, he’s content without sex and he doesn’t see sex as part of our future.

I was shocked. All those times he said he’d love us to be alone in bed... well it seems he was only saying that because he thought it’s what I want to hear.

He was very very anxious and upset. I tried to reassure him that if it’s a physical issue (ED) that’s no problem. There are other ways to be sexual. But no. He doesn’t want to do it - even intimate touching. I asked if he doesn’t want sex at all or if it’s just that he doesn’t want sex with me. He was at pains to reassure me that it’s not me. He just lost interest in sex a few years ago. But he finds me sexy and attractive.

He apologised for misleading me all these months and for not being clearer about his lack of interest in sex.

Right. While I would prefer a sex life it’s not a dealbreaker. Affection is very important to me and we have loads of that. He is a kind, affectionate tactile man. He’s respectful and he’s wonderful company. I can live without sex.

But now he’s adamant that we can’t go forward. He says he’s heartbroken and he loves me and he is devastated but says he’s been deluding himself into thinking we could have a future when he can’t offer me sex.

I’ve told him repeatedly in the last few days that we do have a future and sex isn’t a dealbreaker. He seems adamant that I’m not happy. I’m getting p*ssed off now with him having decided I’m not happy with lack of sex.

He is a very anxious cautious person. When we have had opportunities to be alone I notice he’s tense and worried.

What worries me more than lack of sex is the fact that he says he’s still not ready to come to my house and meet my kids (2 adults plus a teen). It’s been 10 months!

He constantly tells me he loves me, constantly talks about wanting to be with me forever. Yet he doesn’t feel ready to be in my home? Even just for a coffee? That’s hurting me and it makes me question his commitment. If he’s so sure I’m the woman he wants forever then surely coming to my home isn’t a big deal? He gets so anxious about that too! I don’t understand it.

We’ve had 10 amazing months. I’ve never felt so loved. He makes me feel understood and loved and cherished. I love all his qualities.

We are meeting tomorrow to see if we can save the relationship. I’m devastated at the thought of losing him. But I’m so confused. If he loves me then why won’t he come to my home? If he’s attracted to me then why won’t he be intimate? (Not just intercourse. He also won’t do intimate touching).

Thank you. I’m so confused and heartbroken.

TheadoreT

I mean nobody here will know what his issue is, be it he's genuinely assexual or its past trauma or performance related but I feel you're the one being deluded if you think you can just give up on sex for life for him. Its already making you insecure and this will probably grow into resentment eventually.
You list honesty as one of his qualities but if he's leaving you confused over this matter he's clearly withholding details that would provide clarity on the matter. This isn't honestly. Its clearly a highly sensitive and potentially triggering subject for him but he's an adult in an adult relationship and if he's unable to articulate his feelings on the matter then this will probably manifest itself in other areas of the relationship such as your lack of clarity about why he hasn't met your kids.

Jequ0n

This guy clearly has some issues that he is aware of but doesn’t want to discuss/ tackle.

Sounds like your only option to continue your “relationship” is by continuing the pretending game that everything is fine because addressing the topic is causing upset.

It’s just just the sex thing (which would be a deal breaker for me anyway), the refusal to come to your house is equally bizarre. Have you been to his place at all? I am not sure if you are seeing a “real” person tbh because there seem to be a lot of secrets and question marks..

YellowLead

Hi OP,

Regarding that house thing and meeting your adult children - that could be just covid fears. Honestly - I have met people who are genuinely terrified of this even if they don’t openly admit it for fear of sounding silly. I assume if he lives alone you could be his support bubble so he wouldn’t be breaking the rules - but still the fear of the virus is very real for some people.

Regarding his thoughts that it is better to end the relationship you have to respect that. Even though you feel sex isn’t a deal breaker - he probably feels he is asking you to give up too much and that probably makes him uncomfortable or stressed. I was just thinking if I was in his position what I would do - it would be the same probably. I would worry the other person would either resent me eventually or just cheat. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for him, and other people with sexual/intimacy issues.

Has he been overly sweet with his words from the get go? I just find it a little odd that this intimacy issue is only coming to a head now despite you guys having such be together forever conversations.

It seems the writing is on the cards with this one - though I wish you the best of luck of course.

Edit - just read the bit where he said he can’t wait to go to bed with you at the start. So he lied all along and tricked you! Why would you want to be with a man like that!!! He made a fool of you to suit himself - i wouldn’t bother trying to salvage, tell him where to go.

Telly

I think it was very selfish of him to not say this from the start. I get he has an issue with sex but he should have told you this at the beginning and you wouldnt have fallen for him. The fact that you had the conversation about it means you do want it so he's not a match for you even if you say he is and you'd give up sex for him.

seenitall

You’re selling yourself way short with this guy, OP. Way short. Being made to feel loved and cherished is the baseline for a healthy relationship, not some unicorny thing you can only have with this one guy. Another baseline for a healthy relationship is a satisfying sex life for the sexually-expressive people among us (and you sound like one, tbh - most people are!) so I would think about that more thoroughly if I were you, rather than about all the lovey-dovey stuff you seem to put so much stock in. Once you find yourself lying in bed frustrated with the lack of ANY action whatsoever on the part of your deeply beloved for the umpteenth time, believe me the deeply beloved part will be greatly marred and you will find yourself starting to feel resentful and trapped. No good can come of it. Your fella knows that very well, too, it’s just a pity that his need for validation and companionship seemingly rendered him incapable of honesty when it mattered. Think a bit deeper on that, too. That really doesn’t sound like the kind of person that I would like to have as my life partner!

This relationship will be going nowhere fast, I’m telliing you this with absolute certainty. Some situations really are black and white, it’s our subjective feelings that make them seem complex and salvageable. Don’t do this to yourself. Finish it with the guy with some dignity, because all the signs point to you getting dumped soon anyway.

tara73

what baffles me most here he can't even tell you what's the issue, is it a physical thing, a psychological? That's no ground for a trustful relationship if he can't even tell you the reasons for the 'no sex thing'. We all have issues more or less, but this is no way of dealing with it when in a new relationship.

I also agree he strung you along and made you fall for him during all this months. And now he decides it's just over because of some mysterious issue of him he won't really tell you about. If he let you know, you could decide for yourself much better if you want to work on it or whatever.

Are you really certain he has no longterm relationship or even is married and ist just looking for some good friend/ cuddle time / ego boost or whatever it is for him? This not coming over to your place and meeting your kids is another strong indicator for it imo.

Headwreck big time here, I would cut him loose as soon as possible, the less you let yourself been dragged into this unhealthy stuff, the better.

zoobizoo

Any idea of his previous relationship history?

This would worry me:

"He constantly tells me he loves me, constantly talks about wanting to be with me forever."

It's been 10 months in a lock down so not in normal times where you can hang out, meet families, friends, kids ...... and get a better rounded view of someone before knowing that it's forever.

What ages are you both?

spaceHopper

I think he has some kind of anxiety disorder and is on meds which have killed his sex drive. He hoped every thing would come back and he's got himself worked up about it. He's worried that if he goes into your house and the kids aren't there you might try to move things to the bed room and he's having panic attacks about out it.

osarusan

Be careful you don't tell yourself that 'no sex life is not a dealbreaker' just so that you can try and continue the relationship, if the lack of sex actually will be a real issue in the relationship.

Possibly all the enthusiastic talking you've (both) done about sex in the future has him convinced that you cannot live without it, and that he just cannot give you that so it's better to end it now.

Hannibal_Smith

Its not as if he kept the no sex thing from you, which would be bad enough on its own but he's led you on for months about it, all the while knowing he himself was never going to go there. But I suppose he's been honest now.

It all sounds very one sided and on his terms, both on an intimacy level and on a relationship level. He doesn't want sex so there will be none and no conversation about it. He doesn't want to meet your children and thats it, it wont happen. In both cases disregarding what you want.

It kind of sounds like he wants to break up. Either that or he doesn't see the relationship lasting much longer once you've had time to reflect on it all, so he's avoiding meeting the kids and getting any more invested.

You're doing all the reassuring to keep the relationship alive and he's making all the choices for both of you. Big choices at that! Be very careful about what you're signing up to.

bitofabind

It's not a "wonderful relationship" though, is it? This man doesn't want to have sex with you - ever - freaks out every time you come near him intimately and doesn't want to integrate with your family. He might be good at the "I love you"s but in the context of the relationship and what he's not bringing to the table, that's quite frankly just lip service.

You might think you're OK with a complete lack of a sex life, but unless you're entirely asexual yourself, you're only fooling yourself. You're in fear of losing him so you're lowering your standards and ignoring what you actually need.

Staying with this man now, having seen all of these red flags and inability to get what you need from him, is akin to a slow car crash happening in front of your eyes. It'll do a number on your self-esteem, your sense of stability and happiness and your kids will resent you and him for it.

Sonic the Shaghog

To be honest I think it's a weird way of trying to end things with you.

He told you he didn't want sex and wouldn't be enough for you and it backfired when you said you'd make do without

Now he's telling you that it isn't good for you and ye aren't suited etc

Hes trying to get out without being the bad guy, I'd be willing to bet if you said do you want to break up he'll tell you no but then keep telling you a life without sex isn't good for you so you'll dump him

Porklife

It sounds to me like he's unhappily married and cheating on his wife but has justified it in his head as not really cheating as he hasn't had sex with you. He could have kids of his own and feels too guilty betraying them by meeting your kids. He could be having sex with his wife too despite being unhappy. It seems like he's testing the cheating waters.
I could be way off the mark but that's how it seems to me.
I also can't fathom a life without sex and don't understand how you're ok with that.
Lastly it would drive me mad him telling me how I feel. He's deciding your opinions and feelings for you. Bull****. I'd be so outta there if I was you Op. Life is way too short for this nonsense!

Taeholic

Porklife wrote: »

It sounds to me like he's unhappily married and cheating on his wife but has justified it in his head as not really cheating as he hasn't had sex with you. He could have kids of his own and feels too guilty betraying them by meeting your kids. He could be having sex with his wife too despite being unhappy. It seems like he's testing the cheating waters.
I could be way off the mark but that's how it seems to me

I totally agree with you Porklife. The lack of intimacy, not wanting to go to your home or meet your children, testing the waters, the love bombing. It stinks

OP I feel for you but I think he's manipulating you. He's feeding you sweet nothings for so long but his words and his actions are totally at odds with each other. Thats not someone you can trust in my opinion.

He's telling you he doesn't want to continue your relationship. Whether it's guilt from cheating or whatever the reason, he's telling you what he wants. You have to hear him. He lied about wanting to be intimate with you so you know at best he has lied to you. To your face on multiple occasions about something that would be a deal breaker for most. You deserve better than that

leggo

There’s really nothing to be gained by speculating for why it is the way it is because, the reality is, none of us will have enough info to know if the OP hasn’t a clue, it’s for one specific reason that could be any number of possible causes...and the end result is the same. And OP that end result is all you need to deal with, the whys are actually irrelevant because he’s not giving you the option of changing his mind, he’s telling you flat out how it is and is going to be. You can break your heart trying to ‘fix’ him or trying to change for him but, realistically, he’s telling you loud and clear here what your future is going to be with him. Listen to him.

You say you’d be okay but the reality is, you say yourself, that you do want to have sex with him. So all this “I can live without sex” isn’t based on how you actually feel but you rationalising because you don’t want to accept this relationship is over. I’m sure most, if not all, of us have been there at some stage and can relate OP. The sad reality is that his conclusion mightn’t be nice but it’s probably correct.

What you’re saying you’d be okay signing up to now is actually a nightmare scenario, it’s the kind of situation we see over and over and over in threads on here where partners are miserable. You can’t just switch off sexuality and, the truth is, nobody should ever have to if they don’t want to. It’s just going to breed a resentful relationship in the long run where one person gets their way and the other settles. I’m so sorry OP but that’s an incompatible relationship, even if you really like him. And I think he’s just seeing that clearer than you right now, so it makes sense why he won’t take it to the next level by meeting your children.

You don’t have to do anything right now, but I suggest you at least open yourself up to the unfortunate reality that he may have a point here and coming to terms with what that realistically means.

Dog day

Porklife wrote: »

He could be having sex with his wife too despite being unhappy. It seems like he's testing the cheating waters.
I could be way off the mark but that's how it seems !

Porklife...you know I love you ;-) but I’d hazard you are indeed off the mark here...but maybe I’m wrong!

OP, though there absolutely may be truth in what he’s telling you regarding a total lack of interest in sex he’s then scrambling for other excuses as to why it won’t work. It sounds like he’s love bombed you without making a real & concrete effort to become a forward-looking part of your life. You meanwhile, are primarily looking at things from his point of view & trying to convince yourself that a sexless future is ok. Nowhere have you said you’re asexual yourself.

C’mon now!

This is high drama in motion, if you stay with this guy it’s not going to end well for you. Any relationship where you ignore your own wants & needs for fear of losing someone is unlikely to end up a happy one. If it were me I wouldn’t even be meeting him again to discuss anything, the writing is already on the wall here & it’s my opinion this guy is looking for an out. I wish you luck.

Taeholic

leggo wrote: »

I’m so sorry OP but that’s an incompatible relationship, even if you really like him. And I think he’s just seeing that clearer than you right now, so it makes sense why he won’t take it to the next level by meeting your children

Thats a very valid point Leggo I didn't think about it from that angle. Also agree that it's an incompatible relationship.

ThewhiteJesus

Op it sounds to me like he has depression at a fairly serious level, I hope I’m wrong.Good luck anyway

> mod snip - no need to quote entire OP as it's them you're replying to. Quoting long quotes adds to the amount of blocks of text in a thread and touch site users find it difficult to navigate through the thread <

Alot of red flags here..
'' we've had 10 amazing months'' like it's quite impossible, especially in the current climate to judge anything on this relationship, its hard to get to know someone in 10 months, I think it's a bit childlike to say you've never felt so cherished, and you love all his qualities. You don't know someone really until you live with them! And no intimacy yet, and none in the future raises concerns.
Is there issues your possibly not seeing due to Rose tinted glasses? You have 2 adult children, is he around the same age as you? Has he been married/kids before? Something sounds amiss on both sides for sure. One things for sure, I wouldn't rule out a life of no intimacy based on the 10 month relationship so far.

Porklife

I love you too ;-)
I was thinking as i wrote it that surely one of the main motivators for cheating is lusting after someone else so why wouldn't you want to sleep with them. Even if the reason for cheating was something else like loneliness, boredom etc surely you'd actually all out cheat. Why risk it if youre not even having sex!
So yeah..high chance I am off the mark. Either way, this sounds like a friendship more than a relationship and it also sounds plain odd.
I'd be walking regardless. He's not making you feel good and he's causing you to minimise your needs. There are plenty more apples in the fruit bowl Op.. go find one you can have a fulfilling relationship with!

SallySeven

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It’s been an eventful day. We met and thrashed everything out.

First, I want to respond to a few suggestions/questions that were raised.

Our ages. We’re both in our early 50s.

No he’s not married! He’s been divorced for 15 years. I’ve met his daughter and I even met his ex-wife. They have a healthy amicable friendship.

Okay, issue number 1 - him not wanting to come to my house.

Well this shows the importance of communication. In the last few weeks I’d mentioned it a few times and he said “I don’t think it’s the right time” and “I’m not ready” and “let’s leave it another few months”. Today when we met I said I’m hurt that he won’t come to my home. If he loves me and if he’s committed then how can it be too soon to be in my house? He was clearly taken aback and said it’s got nothing to do with commitment, it’s Covid. I had assumed he meant “not ready” as in emotionally not feeling committed enough. He explained he means not ready as in we’re not vaccinated and he’s in a vulnerable situation. He lives alone and has chest/lung issues and also he looks after his grandson four to five evenings a week. Were he to become ill there really isn’t anyone to mind the baby on those evenings.

I guess I’m experiencing a bit of Covid-burnout because it didn’t dawn on me that that’s his worry. But I respect his concerns. While the kids and M are in my bubble, he isn’t in my kids bubble.

YellowLead, you were spot on about Covid fears.

Issue number 2 - sex! Right this was an intense conversation. I said I’m not willing to be with someone who refuses intimacy. I had that in my marriage for many many years and I won’t go there again. It’s not just about the lack of sex, it’s more that horrible feeling of being rejected and feeling undesirable to your partner. I said there’s no point in telling me you’re attracted to me and I’m sexy if you won’t make love to me. I said I’m very sad to call it a day but it took me years to undo the damage of a celibate marriage and I’m confident now and I know I’m bloody sexy (lol) so I’m not going to continue being celibate. Right. It got intense then. He told me he’s impotent. Has been for 5 years or so. He was ashamed to admit it before (though I did guess). The meds he’s on for sleep/anxiety issues have made him 100% impotent. We had tears and hugs. I told him it’s about intimacy and sensuality and not wanting to feel rejected. Of course I’m not going to be annoyed that he can’t get an erection. It’s not his fault. But I am pissed off that he wasn’t honest about that. I said there are ways to address it and other ways to please each other. He has made an appointment with his GP to discuss it. Said he will do everything to make our relationship work.

There are huge differences between this and my marriage. My husband rejected me and made me feel it was my fault. M is extremely affectionate and attentive physically and emotionally. He’s loving and kind - we just haven’t had actual sex. Lol

To those who said 10 months is too soon. I have to disagree there. We’ve met 3-4 times a week since last May/June. If anything it’s been more intense because we haven’t had the ‘distraction’ of cinema or gigs etc if that makes sense.

I do believe he loves me. He’s exceptionally supportive and kind and has gone above and beyond a few times when I’ve had problems.

Thank you all again. I’m going to stay in the relationship and keep an eye on progress regarding his erectile dysfunction.

I sincerely appreciate the responses x

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I'm glad you had a good discussion about this so you now know what you're dealing with going forward.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to edit the part in your thread about his family situation out as that would make him very identifiable if someone who knows him read this!
I've recognised people I know on internet forums before through rare identifiable details!

SallySeven

image verification wrote: »

Perhaps it would be a good idea to edit the part in your thread about his family situation out as that would make him very identifiable if someone who knows him read this!
I've recognised people I know on internet forums before through rare identifiable details!

Thank you. Good advice. I’ve edited it :-)

Sonic the Shaghog

Hes afraid of going to your house cause of covid due to lung issues but yet he was happy meet you 3-4 times a week since June even tho you say ye are not in each others bubbles? How does that make any sense?

leggo

Delighted to read that update OP, well done you and I hope this story has a happy ending, it's certainly on its way there.

I hate the term 'impotent', it sounds so final when having erectile dysfunction doesn't need to be the end by any means. You never know the best part of your relationship may be still to come.

Porklife

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Hes afraid of going to your house cause of covid due to lung issues but yet he was happy meet you 3-4 times a week since June even tho you say ye are not in each others bubbles? How does that make any sense?

Ha..I was just about to write this, it doesn't make any sense! She did say he's in her bubble but her kids are not in his bubble but regardless, why would he not just say im concerned cos of covid. Saying we're not ready and expecting you to be Columbo and go ah, he must mean we as we haven't been vaccinated yet is ridiculous. It's vague enough to be construed any number of ways.

The erectile dysfunction fair enough but again I would have liked an open conversation about this after 10 months of apparently being in love.
Expecting you to just go along with no sex despite telling you you're sexy etc is bull****. He sounds dishonest and lacking basic communication skills.

That said, you seem very enamoured with him so hopefully you can work things out.

SallySeven

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Hes afraid of going to your house cause of covid due to lung issues but yet he was happy meet you 3-4 times a week since June even tho you say ye are not in each others bubbles? How does that make any sense?

We are in each other’s bubbles. I’ve only spent time with him plus my kids through lockdown. He has only spent time with me plus his kids/grandson. I do think he’s overly cautious about Covid but he’s an anxious person so I respect his choice to not mix with people outside bubble.

SallySeven

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

He’s trying to get out without being the bad guy, I'd be willing to bet if you said do you want to break up he'll tell you no but then keep telling you a life without sex isn't good for you so you'll dump him

Well I was ready to walk away today and I told him that. He was adamant he doesn’t want it to end.

tara73

SallySeven wrote: »

Well I was ready to walk away today and I told him that. He was adamant he doesn’t want it to end.

changes his mind very quickly and in diametrical opposed directions, this guy. few days ago he seemed adamant to end it. again, all his decisions.

OP, you seem very fond of this guy, but I see big red flags and most of the other posters here too. it's not mature behaviour he's showing, the opposite. but sure, you make your own decisions but you can't say you havn't been warned!

YellowLead

Really glad to hear everything is working out OP - I hope it continues to!

I suppose you have to be prepared at the same time for there never being much in the line of physical initimacy - not saying there won’t be but there is a chance. You did say initially that you haven’t gone beyond kissing so it would seem that outside of sex not much has been explored after 10 months. Hopefully with your partner feeling more confident this can change, regardless of whether straight up sex is on the cards or not, it’s great he is seeing his gp for advice anyway.

I still think it’s very odd that 10 months passed, with declarations of love and forever without this coming to light (and him not saying the covid thing straight up) - but there are a pair of you in it so hopefully you are both on the same page/track.

Wishing you the best with it

TheBoyConor

He might be gay if he doesn't want sex. Not saying he is, but it is a possibility. Or may be porn addiction.

YellowLead

TheBoyConor wrote: »

He might be gay if he doesn't want sex. Not saying he is, but it is a possibility.

OP has provided the update - ‘ He told me he’s impotent. Has been for 5 years or so. He was ashamed to admit it before (though I did guess). The meds he’s on for sleep/anxiety issues have made him 100% impotent’
so I think you are way off!
It’s a side effect of those strong medications for some, I have a good friend who this happened to though not to the same degree.

LegacyUser

TheBoyConor wrote: »

He might be gay if he doesn't want sex. Not saying he is, but it is a possibility.

That's quite a leap. I'd be happy to take his explanation at face value. I'd imagine erectile dysfunction can really do a number on a man psychologically and I can see why one might try to avoid the issue completely. The fact that he's going to go to his GP to discuss options is a big step.

TheadoreT

Aren't the vast majority of orgasms clitorial? He doesn't need a working lad to satisfy you in that regard. He probably feels like a bit of a eunuch but the longer he leaves this the bigger an issue it will become for him so I'd be trying to get down to it sooner than later if I was you and seeing if he's willing to meet your needs, because right now he sounds like all talk and very little action.

Porklife

TheadoreT wrote: »

Aren't the vast majority of orgasms clitorial? He doesn't need a working lad to satisfy you in that regard. He probably feels like a bit of a eunuch but the longer he leaves this the bigger an issue it will become for him so I'd be trying to get down to it sooner than later if I was you and seeing if he's willing to meet your needs, because right now he sounds like all talk and very little action.

Good point, I hadn't thought about that.
Do you guys do other things sexually? Do you use toys etc.
There was ways to build sexual intimacy without full on sex.

TheadoreT

Porklife wrote: »

Good point, I hadn't thought about that.
Do you guys do other things sexually? Do you use toys etc.
There was ways to build sexual intimacy without full on sex.

Even coital allignment technique i find gets far more women off than regular penetration and he doesn't really need a working member for that. He probably needs to be empowered in this regard and take the focus off him performing in the way he thinks he should be.

Caryatnid

Hi Sally, thanks for the update. It sounds like you have a really strong connection and I hope it works out for you. It is great that he is going to the doctor about this. You both sound lovely.

It was also nice to see the empathy for you and him from others here. It can be easy sometimes to judge quickly in this Internet-Lockdown world!

I just wanted to reply to something you said.

SallySeven wrote: »

But I am pissed off that he wasn’t honest about that.

While I totally understand why you are pissed off, I think you should give him a free card on this one. As you saw, it was hugely difficult for him to share this with you. Your reaction seemed to be really great for him. However, you can't really compare "now" to, say, at you the start of the relationship. Now, you are a couple in love, who know each other well. At the start, you were just getting to know each other, even though you obviously clicked fast and well, you were just "a new girlfriend" at the start. I don't mean that disrespectfully. I just mean, as relationships grow, we get closer and share more.

E.g. After a happy, ten year relationship, a person might be amazed to hear the other had a chocolate bar without them knowing!

SallySeven

YellowLead wrote: »

OP has provided the update - ‘ He told me he’s impotent. Has been for 5 years or so. He was ashamed to admit it before (though I did guess). The meds he’s on for sleep/anxiety issues have made him 100% impotent’
so I think you are way off!
It’s a side effect of those strong medications for some, I have a good friend who this happened to though not to the same degree.

Exactly. Thank you. He’s not gay.

SallySeven

Porklife wrote: »

Good point, I hadn't thought about that.
Do you guys do other things sexually? Do you use toys etc.
There was ways to build sexual intimacy without full on sex.

He will but I know from past experience that ED doesn’t just affect penetration. It causes immense psychological anxiety and stress and pushes a man away from sexual activity. But hopefully now we’re on the right track to improving things.

SallySeven

Caryatnid wrote: »

Hi Sally, thanks for the update. It sounds like you have a really strong connection and I hope it works out for you. It is great that he is going to the doctor about this. You both sound lovely.

It was also nice to see the empathy for you and him from others here. It can be easy sometimes to judge quickly in this Internet-Lockdown world!

I just wanted to reply to something you said.


While I totally understand why you are pissed off, I think you should give him a free card on this one. As you saw, it was hugely difficult for him to share this with you. Your reaction seemed to be really great for him. However, you can't really compare "now" to, say, at you the start of the relationship. Now, you are a couple in love, who know each other well. At the start, you were just getting to know each other, even though you obviously clicked fast and well, you were just "a new girlfriend" at the start. I don't mean that disrespectfully. I just mean, as relationships grow, we get closer and share more.

E.g. After a happy, ten year relationship, a person might be amazed to hear the other had a chocolate bar without them knowing!

Great post. Thank you. I totally agree. It’s normal to open up slowly to people. We’re still learning about each other and I’m enjoying it. Who knows? We might discover it’s not going to work. But absolutely I can understand his hesitation to tell me. Sexual performance is deeply embedded in a man’s psyche. This isn’t it my first rodeo (no pun intended).

Unfortunately it’s very difficult to truly get across a situation in text so I do understand why people might think he’s playing me or he’s gay or whatever. But I’ve been around long enough to have good instincts. I’ve dated some doozies and I’ve had a relationship with a total liar - once his lies came to light I dumped him on the spot. I guess I’m just trying to get across the point that I’m not a deluded eejit who’s believing someone’s lies. Even if we parted today, I’m so happy I knew him. I’ve honestly never dated a man so supportive, kind and generous (not just materially, I mean his generous spirit). He really is a good person.

Thanks again ☺️

Taeholic

[quote="SallySeven;116901033" Even if we parted today, I’m so happy I knew him. I’ve honestly never dated a man so supportive, kind and generous (not just materially, I mean his generous spirit). He really is a good person.

Thanks again ☺️[/quote]


You know your relationship better than anyone so you have to trust your gut. It sounds like the heart to heart has helped you both gain clarity. The more you've updated the more inclined I am to believe him but the important thing is what you believe. You know him.

Good clear communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship so keep the lines open. I wish you the best of luck

seenitall

tara73 wrote: »

changes his mind very quickly and in diametrical opposed directions, this guy. few days ago he seemed adamant to end it. again, all his decisions.

OP, you seem very fond of this guy, but I see big red flags and most of the other posters here too. it's not mature behaviour he's showing, the opposite. but sure, you make your own decisions but you can't say you havn't been warned!

Yup. This guy sounds more like a project than a partner tbh. So I stand behind my earlier post, I think the OP deserves a mature and honest man concerned with her needs, not someone who misleads and dissimulates for close to a year, then wants to break up when caught out on this, then changes his mind. Again, like others have already remarked, it all seems very one sided and my best guess is that the relationship will now go on the way it has started, led by his whims and wants in the first instance. Perhaps the OP is up for the challenge, but for me the bottom line is: it shouldn’t be this hard (no pun intended!).

But then again (and this is directly @ the OP ): I’ve enough experience with men to last me a lifetime, however I’m forever single these days as I just don’t have the patience for dealing with most people ‘s BS any longer. That’s the downside of too much experience! I sometimes forget not everyone is like me. I wish you the best.

Tork

seenitall wrote: »

Yup. This guy sounds more like a project than a partner tbh.

Those are my thoughts exactly. Some people like a project and maybe our OP is one of those.

rainbowtrout

SallySeven wrote: »

We are in each other’s bubbles. I’ve only spent time with him plus my kids through lockdown. He has only spent time with me plus his kids/grandson. I do think he’s overly cautious about Covid but he’s an anxious person so I respect his choice to not mix with people outside bubble.

I don't buy that. If your kids get covid, you'll get it (assuming you live with them or see them regularly), and so will he. If he's meeting you 3-4 times a week then he might as well be visiting the house. It seems a bit off to say after 10 months that he isn't visiting because of covid when he had no problem starting a relationship 10 months ago which would have been when we were coming out of the first L5 lockdown.