Out in the dark suddenly

LegacyUser

First things first, I am in deep here and it's not a great sight.

I've been seeing a girl for the past six months. She has a wee daughter who I adore as much as her mother. I've always been hesitant of this sort of arrangement for the very feelings that I am feeling now.

We get on great. Like every single one of us, she's been hurt in the past and was guarded. I've shown her that I can be trusted and we've reduced that guard. I get on like a house on fire with her wee one and I adore seeing her. I always get a huge hug when I walk in the door and we get on so well.

We had an amazing weekend last weekend. All three of us went out on Friday and hiked a mountain. The fun was flowing all day long and it just felt right. We both talked about it after and both agreed it was an amazing day. Spent the day on Saturday together and again, had a ball and again Sunday and Monday and everything was amazing and now it's just static.

I've literally gone from being on top of the world to feeling vacant. If I don't contact her, I won't hear from her. When I do message, it's challenging is the best way to put it. When I left her Monday night we were both on cloud nine and since Tuesday morning she's acting like a total stranger to me. The first response to this is that I should ask her what's going on. Fair call but the truth is, I am terrified that if I do, I will irk her into thinking that I am needy and ditching me. But it's getting bad. Her coldness is starting to cause me serious depression at this stage and I am at my wits end.

Help?

YellowLead

I am afraid you are going to have to ask her OP. Ask her if she has time to chat and do it over the phone, not via text.

If you’ve had a close relationship for 6 months and then suddenly her behaviour has changed it’s perfectly reasonable for you to ask why.

Often people can stop getting in touch, one person assumes they are closer than the other and the other gets hurt, but that is usually much earlier days.

One thing I would point out - though I probably don’t need to as you alluded to this yourself - it was far too soon to be getting involved with the child as well in my opinion.

Most parents I know would not introduce their kids to a new partner so soon - more to protect the child than the other person, but in reality it’s best for all three. I am a little surprised that the two of you thought playing happy families so soon was a good idea - but perhaps it was only a very recent development and hasn’t been like that from the get go.

You will drive yourself crazy wondering until you talk to her. You might not like what you hear - but don’t think you asking would be what puts her off.

Jequ0n

This isn’t meant as criticism and I could be wrong here but you come across as a bit full on. A long weekend packed with stuff to do is a lot, and she might just feel a bit overwhelmed.
You will need to ask her but maybe prepare to offer to take things slower than you had expected to give her some breathing space.

Your Face

Just be careful. She might be playing with you.

Sonic the Shaghog

I'd be more of the opinion if you are going out 6 months then there isn't much point wasting anymore time if you are afraid of asking her why she's done a 180. But in saying that, how many times have you both met and also met just in yeer own is important to that

banie01

6 months?
You seem quite full on tbh. At 6 months in to our relationship my wife had yet to meet my son let alone have a weekend of fun and shenanigans.

If you want to know what's going, you need to ask her.
Everyone here, even those of us who have been in a similar situation can only offer opinion based on our experience.
All experience differs tho, and in mine?
My son came 1st, the introduction was gradual and over a period of time and his comfort, reaction and affinity with her was a deal breaker.

How often could ye have actually met each other over the last 6 months in any event?
How well do ye actually know each other?

Goodigal

I agree with other posters that having a strong bond with her child within 6 months is an unusual one. I would have to be seeing someone for at least a year before I thought they might need to meet my children. They dont need to!
But like you say, you're in deep and it's hurting you. You need to discuss it with your girlfriend and find out where you stand in her plans. Might be a hard conversation to have but needs to happen so you know where you stand. Good luck with it.

osarusan

Is this an ongoing thing where when you meet in person (at weekends?) things go really well, but when messaging in between, it's tough going to get anything from her?

Or is this the first time things have gone static and her acting like a stranger? If it's the first time, just call her and ask is she alright, she seems distant and you want to check everything is ok.

Tork

What isn't clear here is if there's a pattern. Can you elaborate OP?

LegacyUser

You will ruin it bringing this level of drama. You had a good weekend. Shes a busy mother.

You sound like youve not enough on and a bit ott with neediness. Go find more to do and dont make this lady the centre of world after only a few months. I see lots of young people cycling, you could try that.

And if shes lost interest youll hear soon enough.

TheadoreT

Your moods sound like this has been going on for a while. A lot of turbulence in that post. The highs sound like a release after the lows and uncertainty of her lack of contact.

It's difficult when getting emotionally involved but you shouldn't let anyone break your stride as much as this is. Your entire happiness seems to be precariously hanging on this relatively short term relationships success. That's gonna come across to her and its a lot of pressure. The lack of contact at best means she wants to take things slower so I don't think going in all intense with a conversation about contact is gonna help your cause if staying with her is your goal. But it might help speed up the potentially inevitable scenario of her ending things which would put you out of your misery.

I think counselling either way may be wise, your emotions need to be a bit more stable than they currently are to negotiate any adult relationship without falling into a pit of despair at any bump in the road.

peckerhead

Tork wrote: »

What isn't clear here is if there's a pattern. Can you elaborate OP?

My thoughts exactly.

Is it possible that the sudden disengagement/change of tone/radio silence might have to do with some other, major issue - bad news in another area of her life of which you as yet know nothing - and that her mind is simply elsewhere at the moment? If so, you should make it clear to her that that's absolutely fine and that you'll give her room, until/unless she tells you otherwise. But I agree that you should ask her what's up. Not sit there tormenting yourself to no useful end.

Edit: others have referred to the risk that you might be overreacting. If there's a grain of truth to that, it's likely to compound the problem. What if the issue that's affecting her behaviour towards you is something she just doesn't feel like sharing with you right now? There's no point in being a further source of pressure, even involuntarily.

qwerty13

@ OP “She has a wee daughter who I adore as much as her mother.”

This is just weird. How can you adore anyone that you’ve recently met, given pandemic times? Let alone their child? And how on any earth can you ‘adore’ their child as much as the person you’ve been intermittently dating????

Do you have a history of getting too involved too soon?? Are you a person who goes from zero to 100 too quickly in relationships?

It feels to me that you’ve jumped into reliance on this person way too soon, and that she is sensing your excessive neediness and is backing off.

‘Adoring’ someone does not necessarily equate to a good relationship. What are you bringing to the table??

Rubberchikken

How many times have you actually met in the past 6 months with everything that's going on?

Plus, how does someone 'adore' someone else's child so soon?
It all seems a bit too much too soon.

Talk to this woman when you get a chance by all means, but be prepared for whatever explanation she'll give.

Dog day

Hi OP, I have something of a different perspective than the majority of posters so far.

It is of course absolutely possible to develop really strong feelings for someone in a short space of time & I don’t think you’re coming across as particularly intense, moreso you really care about this woman & her child. It can be really difficult to be on the receiving end of someone blowing hot & cold.

I do however echo what others have said in terms of asking if this is a pattern? That’s key information.

Equally the fact that your girlfriend has a child means she has to tread extra carefully in any & all relationships, there’s a possibility that she’s afraid it may not work out & consequently she protects herself & her daughter by intermittently distancing herself from you.

However like others have said the only way to truly know where she’s at is to have an open conversation with her. Her behaviour may be not related to you whatsoever! I think it’s very telling that you’re afraid to do so for fear of losing her, that is never a good feeling but in my opinion it’s all the more reason to have a chat to see where she’s at rather than waiting & possibly getting even more hurt later down the line. Your feelings in this matter too. I wish you well.

Esse85

What age are all involved here?

leggo

Getting strong anxious/avoidant vibes here: the relationship being like a rollercoaster, she pulls away when you start to get close, you get super needy as a result. She’ll do disjointed things like have you build a close relationship with her daughter then pull away, you talk about a child you can only know for a few months max like she’s your own.

OP I’d start getting your head around the idea that maybe this relationship isn’t what you’ve built it up to be in your mind.

Google ‘anxious/avoidant attachment styles’. See if anything resonates.