Covid/Internet dates - the elusive "Spark"

I'm curious as to other people's take on online dating in Covid times. I'm in my late 20s (male) and would always have met women on nights out in pre-Covid times I.e. didn't really use online dating as it seems like so much effort for potentially very little reward. I guess I was a reverse dater - hooking up in late bars and then going on dates leading to a relationship.

But I've been on several daytime sober dates in the past year and I find it hard to establish a connection on a first date. I think when one sleeps with another person (Or just a kiss) it drastically changes the dynamic of a fledgling relationship and leads to a much more comfortable scenario as both people know where they stand. No second guessing or beating around the bush...like I feel a first date from bumble is just 2 strangers in a park having a chat about generic stuff...how do I escalate things?

If there's not a major connection but a nice conversation and mutual attraction I'd always be open to a second or 3rd date as I'm a slow burn type. Some people are looking for an instant thunderbolt moment though on a first date. Do I need to just go on more dates and play the numbers game or wait til the pubs open again?

YellowLead

What is the crux of this? Is it that people you are going on walking dates with are telling you they feel no spark? Or vice versa?
Anyway - walking dates aren’t great but at the end of the day if you like somebody you like them. I don’t think I would have made any different choices about second dates of it had been a drink vs a walk.
But I agree much more fun to meet organically rather than online - we all just have to be patient! I’m the meantime I’ll continue with online because it’s all we’ve got for now...

Also - you can have conversations about what you both are looking for before meeting. And you can also kiss after a walking date?

YellowLead

YellowLead wrote: »

What is the crux of this? Is it that people you are going on walking dates with are telling you they feel no spark? Or vice versa?
Anyway - walking dates aren’t great but at the end of the day if you like somebody you like them. I don’t think I would have made any different choices about second dates of it had been a drink vs a walk.
But I agree much more fun to meet organically rather than online - we all just have to be patient! I’m the meantime I’ll continue with online because it’s all we’ve got for now...

Also - you can have conversations about what you both are looking for before meeting. And you can also kiss after a walking date?

A bit of both, I was on a date yesterday and she wasn't massively feeling it. I hear you though, generally once you know you know so not much point forcing a 2nd date.

With respect to kissing on a first date...id be quite relaxed with regards to Covid but I feel a lot of people are fairly paranoid about it and would run a mile if it came up!

Henry.

I usually just meet women out and about anywhere, shops and the like

I can't be bothered with it now wearing masks

YellowLead

Henry. wrote: »

I usually just meet women out and about anywhere, shops and the like

I can't be bothered with it now wearing masks

Shops??? That’s a new one

Henry.

YellowLead wrote: »

Shops??? That’s a new one

Lol it's not really, it's one of the best places to meet women if you're good looking

YellowLead

Henry. wrote: »

Lol it's not really, it's one of the best places to meet women if you're good looking

What are we talking here - the local Tesco? Like what kind of shops - I’m intrigued.

BingCrosbee

Henry. wrote: »

Lol it's not really, it's one of the best places to meet women if you're good looking

Lucky you ya good looking oul devil ya. I bet their all queueing up for a slap of d’owl budgeen. God, ya have it all.

Henry.

YellowLead wrote: »

What are we talking here - the local Tesco? Like what kind of shops - I’m intrigued.

Women out shopping and working at the checkouts, mainly supermarkets

The staff at the checkout have to make the first move as they're working like

The trick is not to say too much if you're good looking

This wouldn't be something out of a instructional video .You have to be naturally sexy for it to happen .
They all move on me

YellowLead

Haha I feel this is an after hours thread now

YellowLead

Henry. wrote: »

Women out shopping and working at the checkouts, mainly supermarkets

The staff at the checkout have to make the first move as they're working like

The trick is not to say too much if you're good looking

This wouldn't be something out of a instructional video .You have to be naturally sexy for it to happen .
They all move on me

These women out shopping...are they in pyjamas?

Henry.

BingCrosbee wrote: »

Lucky you ya good looking oul devil ya. I bet their all queueing up for a slap of d’owl budgeen. God, ya have it all.

Not if i talk like that

Augme

Might be best to just knock it in the head and just wait for things to be back to normal. I've tried the covid dating myself and just accepted I needed to jack it in as it didn't suit my personality type. I've always found there to be a big difference between finding someone attractive and there being a spark.

I'd always be a fairly tactile person in dating and it played a huge part in building a connection/spark and helped to read signals and discern interest. In covid that all goes out the window obviously. I was also concious of not getting too close etc so then my I just found it difficult to fully relax, which obviously doesn't bode well for appearing attractive either!

You are then left with just eye contact. And I found most dates were walking and then it just became a bit of a disaster for me. They all just felt like chats with platonic friends.

leggo

OP I hear what you’re saying about the old way of meeting someone at a bar, I’d joke that the first fully honest conversation you have with someone is the morning after you’ve slept with them when you’ve both kinda bared all, bought-in and can just relax and be yourselves.

In recent years, though, I’ve gotten used to and actually now prefer sober dates. They don’t lead to sex immediately, if that’s what you’re looking for, but they cut through the crap of whether there’s an actual connection there or not quicker.

Here’s the thing: for all you may enjoy the ‘old way’, the end result was you still single now, so none of those dates ultimately worked out either. The thing when you’re going on drinking dates with someone is that, yes, it’s easier to find a spark with inhibitions lowered etc...but the flip side of that is when the drink wears off and the connection isn’t there, now you’ve slept together and tried to mash this incompatible situation together based off your drunken decision-making, so it’s a messier split than just going for a walk and realising you’ve nothing in common with someone within a couple hours.

So I’d say just trust the process and embrace it (because you’ve got no choice tbh). If there’s a connection the other stuff works itself out. If there’s not then you’ve just saved a few quid on dinner and drinks with someone it wouldn’t have worked out with anyway.

Goodigal

Having been on plenty of walking dates in the last year, I must admit that I really enjoyed them and probably gave more time to people that I might have dismissed previously. There really isn't that huge spark instantaneously but some slow burners though. And when restrictions were lifted for a while, I even had a restaurant date! You can't force attraction OP, so if your date wasn't feeling it yesterday, that's a pity. But don't give up on them just yet esp with spring in the air and the chance to walk and talk in the evening times when you might feel more chilled.

ILoveYourVibes

I know lots of people who have met their partner online. But I know there are also a lot of crazy people online.

Thunderbolts are great.

But they have to be natural ....and even if sometimes its a slow burn ...i think you have to feel its flowing naturally.

I think if you feel the person is just prolonging the conversation etc. It can feel forced. Small talk etc.

Ideally its something like this ....

First option ..THUNDERBOLT ..you click ..attraction ..good chat ...spark ..good times.

Second option : You don't get physical thunderbolt but you really connect in conversation and you think ..actually i would like to be this person's friend. Even if nothing romantic happens i would like them to be in my life they are that cool. Might develop into relationship but either way you are glad you met this person.

Option three: One of you has a thunderbolt ..other is experiencing option two. Ideally the other person is wise enough to know that they should not dismiss the situation.

I think if you have on your mind you only just want a relationship you won't find it.

My advice to you is ....only totally say goodbye to that person if none of the three options above are happening.

I have met a lot of people on dates and been like ..yeah won't want to be friends with them ..no spark. ..don't want them in my life. You will too and know when..to move on.

But i have also met a lot of people and been like ..not sure about spark but really want this person in my life ..then later it turned into something ..OR it didn't BUT we had an amazing friendship.

Plus had thunderbolts and it didn't work out.

I think too many people are like its going to be a relationship or nothing. That is a bad idea. It closes a host of social possibilities.

Segotias

I found the same issue online, went on it there about a month ago and spoke to loads of men. Literally the first time in years I've had any success but tried a site I hadn't used before, maybe thats why.

Anyway though I spoke to a good few I literally felt little or no chemistry with any of them. In fact the only one I felt there was a bit of craic with was a bloke who decided to get back with his ex but was still a laugh to chat with, maybe it was the safety of knowing it wasn't going any further.

I didn't meet up with anyone though a couple asked, I would be conscious of COVID due to my mother more so than myself and I think that does impact a date when you do meet, there is an awareness of not touching where in flirting that would naturally happen. You may just need to keep trying. If you're getting dates online something is working.

leggo

Also worth remembering: you’re ‘supposed’ to require a few dates to meet someone special, that’s normal. Sure some people luck out and go on their first date with someone as a teenager and end up marrying them but that’s rare. In truth for most people it takes several relationships for one to click long-term and, to find a relationship, that’ll take a few dates with different people.

I think people sometimes take dating way too personally and see not having a partner as society rejecting them, when, in truth, a LOT of different factors need to click into place on both sides to meet someone.

Rubberchikken

Positive with just going for a walk would be you can end it a lot easier then in a restaurant if it's not going great.
A takeaway coff and a stroll is relaxing and a pleasure in the spring weather:)

YellowLead

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Positive with just going for a walk would be you can end it a lot easier then in a restaurant if it's not going great.
A takeaway coff and a stroll is relaxing and a pleasure in the spring weather:)

Depends where you have gone for the walk haha

Rubberchikken

Too true YellowLead:)

stateofflux

Henry. wrote: »

Lol it's not really, it's one of the best places to meet women if you're good looking

I d guess the aisle where the chocolates are is the best. recommending the strawberry Lindt to unsuspecting broken hearts

Irish_rat

Donnie90 wrote: »

With respect to kissing on a first date...id be quite relaxed with regards to Covid but I feel a lot of people are fairly paranoid about it and would run a mile if it came up!

Even before covid, kissing on a first date is a bit rare I'd say. It's best to just get to know the person before jumping in too fast.

If the spark is there then subsequent dates will take care of the rest.

As regards to online dating, it's no different from meeting in the pub. If anything I much prefer it.

radiotrickster

My issue with online dating was that it was too hard to find someone who I fancied both in real life and online. I remember having a friend who I did fancy, and I saw their Tinder profile and only for I knew it was them, I would have swiped left. Their photos and bio on Tinder did nothing for me but whenever I was around them in person, I couldn’t have fancied them more.

I gave up with online dating in the end, because I found the disconnect between who I fancied in person and on an app to be too big. The only people from the internet I ever ended up fancying were friends I made online, so I knew it wasn’t for me.

If you’re finding there’s no spark OP, I’d recommend you just hold off until things get a bit more back to normal. Focus on yourself for a while.

I felt I was wasting a lot of time with online dating so I worked on myself instead (exercising more, eating healthier, reading, working on my mental health) and I was in the best shape of my life when I met someone (in person) who I ended up dating and now I’m in a relationship with.