Husband left

LegacyUser

hey. my husband told me he doesn't love me after 1 year of marriage. we've been together 6 years and met abroad. we are both Irish and we are both 24. we had a register office marriage on the 10th feb 2020 and we were due to have a party the summer 2020 to join our friends and family the reson we didn't have a proper wedding is because i was pregnant and i had it in my head that i wasn't going to bring up a child as a couple who wasn't married and living together. we moved in with each other very quickly when i found out i was pregnant and even though at the start it was lovely and i had my love glasses on my husband has told me he hasn't felt any love towards me for a very long time and has spent the last year of marriage not knowing what to do. we aren't religious at all but my upbringing led me to believe that a child should be brought into a family that's stable. my little girl was born in May 2020 and ever since then he's shown no affection towards me. i put it down to stress from a newborn but as sltime went on and i had my routine with her he stopped showing any attention or interest between me and my daughter I saw it coming when he said he wanted out of the marraige but i am still upset,

i soon found out that he was meeting up with another person online.this person contacted me as she saw on his FB page that he's married and has a couple of photos of our daughter on his page and she found me and told me everything. I confronted him and he said its true and that he checked out of the marraige a long time ago. he moved out of the home we share,

i haven't heard from him since he told me he doesn't want to be married and my little girl is starting to call out for her daddy. she's as bright as a button and is really aware of her surroundings seeing as it's just been myself her and her dad since lockdown. 24/7 it's been us 3 and now she scans the room and says "dadda" when she sees photos or she would crawl to his chair in the sitting room and tap on his seat and cries for her daddy. he won't text me or ring me back. ive told him he doesn't need to talk to me on the phone but have the decency to speak to his daughter at least,

im at a lost to what to do because not only have i dispaoinued myself in thinking marriage would give my daughter the chance of a stable family but i feel that i should of tried harder but when you've a new born, your husband lost his job and your family and and friend are in another county its hard to hold onto the things in front of you. he left 6 days ago and i personally feel nó different from when he was here to him not being here as he hardly stay in the same room as me, he stopped sleeping with me a long time ago it's more hurt for my daughter than myself. my parents said they have a room for me and my daughter and i plan to go back asap but i cant just up and leave and not tell him where his daughter is. he doesn't open his messages when i text him and his phone goes straight to voicemail i think he's blocked my number ive resorted to texting the other girl to pass on the information, she is a nice girl and i think she was trying to do right by letting me know i have no hatred towards her but to find myself texting my husbands bit on the side just to keep him inforned makes me feel sick.

my dad said he's going to hire a van and help pack up as much as we can and iv contacted my landlady and explained the situation and told her can keep my deposit as i ended the contract myself, she was nice about it and told me she was sorry to see me go as she's never had any problems with me as a tenant and hopes for the best. i just want to go. i told my landlady that she can contact husband herself to remove any items that are his, i plan on giving the apartment a clean out and removing items that are mine and my daughters and ill bag my husbands stuff and leave them in the apartment as my landlady said she will contact him and if he doesn't respond during the time she gives she will have them removed. my landlady gave me her personal number rather than her buisness number i presume she use only for tenats and she said to contact her at any time of the day of i need to chat that was reasurring,

unbelievable for our wedding annivery just gone he disappeared for a couple of days and even then i knew the marriage was over. ive no idea where he was but i can only guess too. my dad is going to arrive sometime next week with a van and in the mean time to pick away things i won't be using for the time being and ive sent my husband messages letting him know what my plan is, he still won't open my messages but ive informed him anyways both over text and FB. the bit on the side has said she will contact my husband, that's assuming they are still talking, and let him know herself so that's my 3 ways of letting him know im leaving with his daughter, he has my parents number and address and can make the journey to see her when he's bothered,

i feel exhausted from this and i feel extremely let down. before we got married my dad spoke to my husband and told him he can walk away at any point but if he does then he wasn't allowed to be near me or my child if he does walk away. i know this was a bit much but thats the upbringing i had. my dad more than my mam always insisted that no child of his was going to have children and not be married, he's an old style country man who hasn't saw the fact that that's not how things work anymore. although i deeply lobed my husband and wanted to marry him i always knew he felt forced but like my mam said herself he is also a grown man and can make his own choices and if he had of told my dad to back off in the first place he still would be allowed to see his child i would never denied him that but my dad can be nasty like that and can turn away anyone for the smallest possible things which is why now i am in the situation i am in. im greatful that my mam and dad are allowing me to return to their home and are excited about their granddaughter living with them but believe me my dad will do all he can to remind me that ive had a failed marriage and that i won't be allowed to have any other man around my child any time soon, which won't happen,

it's a tiring and emotional time and i feel now that things are going from bad to worst each day when my husband doesn't respond to calls or texts then i have to remind myself that i am lucky i have a little girl who will help me along the way

Big Bag of Chips

For a start, stop texting the other girl. He has a child with you. If he wants a relationship with her then he arranges it. As a woman and a mother I know that feeling of needing to organise things, and maybe even organise things for him to make life easier for him. But no. You need to get out of that mindset. He's an adult man. He shouldn't need the women in his life mammying him.

Move back with your parents. He knows how to find you if he wants a relationship with his daughter. My guess is he didn't want a daughter or to be married. You can't make him want it.

Look after her yourself. You'll do just fine. He can come looking for you both if he ever decides to be a father. Until then, suit yourself.

Edit :Your dad obviously sensed this fella wasn't interested in being married. But in saying that he had no right to tell him if he walked away he wouldn't be allowed see his daughter anymore. Would he prefer you to live in a long, miserable, lonely marriage for the next 60 years? If that's what he'd prefer then maybe you need to think whay he is more concerned for: your life, or what the neighbours might say (By the way the neighbours don't care about children born 'out of wedlock') Move back in with your parents for a short while until you sort yourself out. But living with that attitude will only do you and your daughter damage. I'm guessing the pregnancy was unplanned. So the wedding was also unplanned. It doesn't sound like you were ready to become this man's wife. But you went through with it because of perceived impression of outsiders. Not a good enough reason to enter into a legally binding contract that would impact the rest of your life.

You might need a bit of counselling yourself to unpick the attitudes of your upbringing. You don't want your daughter ending up in a similar situation down the line.

Tork

Being married was never going to be the key to the stability of the home you wanted to give your daughter. If you're not religious (which I assume you aren't), most of the benefits of being married are financial and legal. Looking at what happened here, I wonder had your relationship more or less run its course when the marriage happened? You and your husband were together from when you were 18 and had never lived together despite being a couple for so long.

The impression I get from your husband is that he's a weak man who married you even though his heart wasn't in it. Instead of being honest with you, he simply withdrew from the marriage and fatherhood. And now, instead of stepping up to the plate and trying to work out how best to split and to co-parent he has run to the hills. Instead you have the odd situation of his wife communicating to him via his lady friend. He is ignoring you because he is a coward who wants this to go away. Again, it shows his spinelessness and weakness of character. I feel so sorry for your daughter, having this waste of space as a father.

Going home to live with your parents for a while is a good idea. You'll get great support from them at this most awful of times and it'll lighten the burden. However, I would advise against this turning into a long-term thing. From what you've told us about your father, he's somebody who could make life very difficult for you if you make decisions he doesn't agree with. He's one of those parents who you just give the necessary information to and you don't let them know too much about your life. So be careful.

I agree that counselling will help you unpick what has happened to you. I also think that getting legal advice about what to do next would be helpful. Even though your husband has gone to ground, he is still your husband and father to your child. Maybe you might be able to get maintenance from him, for example. Down the line you'll want to divorce him. Much as he wants all this to go away and to have other people mop up this mess, he can't hide forever.

Rubberchikken

Op you can’t live your life as your dad dictates.
I accept that there are people who think being married first is the right way then followed by kids but life is not like that now and when you look back on our history, it never was.

Your dad can’t decide whether this man sees his child or not. It’s not like that.

Yes, move back with them for a while but you have a child to raise and you will need to decide if you’re going to live your life or your dad’s image of what life should be.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, in the middle of all this I hope you are doing OK. Regardless of the circumstances the breakdown of a marriage is emotionally tough. You will have advice and opinion coming at you from all sides. Your parents particularly may be very vocal.

This is nobody's "fault". Yes, your husband could have been less of a coward and tried to discuss this with you, but I'm guessing he felt pressurised and trapped. You are both pretty young. And it seems were forced into a situation neither of you were prepared for. A pregnancy, moving in together and getting married all in the space of a few weeks is huge when it's not something you were planning towards. It's a pity he didn't have the courage to stand up and stop the wedding, but I assume you were both under a lot of pressure, particularly from your family.

You need to give this time. Take some time for yourself. Don't keep trying to contact him. He also has a lot to process, and may be avoiding you because of your father's reaction. Block and delete the other girls number so you are not tempted to contact her. This has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her. Try to isolate your feelings and thoughts from those of your parents. They clearly have a very large influence on your life and decisions. Time to not give their opinion so much weight and to start looking towards yourself and how you actually feel, and why. Marrying someone just because you got pregnant is a very outdated idea. You need to explore exactly why you held the belief that you should be married. It's good to sometimes challenge what we have been always taught. Critical thinking is a skill that we often need to work on.

At 24 you really are only starting out on your adult journey. You are not expected to have all the answers and make all the right decisions. The best you can do is make the right decision for yourself at that particular time. You will most likely look back in 10 and 20 years time with the benefit of life experience and feel you should/shouldn't have done particularly things. But you will be OK. Your daughter will grow and develop and be the same as every other little girl. Take it easy on yourself for the next while. You'll be OK.

anndub

I'm sorry you have ended up in this situation.

Your father forced his hand and it sounds like you were a willing accomplice. He tried his best to fall in line with what you and your family were insisting upon. Stating he would have no part in the upbringing of his child without marriage made it impossible for him not to marry you.
No doubt that thought is still knocking around in his head and he may, illogically, have decided not to put himself through the trauma of trying to see his little girl when your father has already told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he's not in the marriage, it's not happening.

Give him space. He is clearly a decent man when he did marry you. Most would have run for the hills with such an unhealthy level of family involvement. With time to think and get order on his thoughts he will resume contact. He obviously wanted and loves your daughter.

In the meantime, you really need to start putting boundaries in place with your parents. What on earth your father's views had to do with the situation you found yourself in I have no idea. You are an adult and really you should have been telling your parents to mind their own business (although I suspect you were happy to have them force the wedding). For the sake of your child or if you hope to ever have a healthy relationship with a man separate yourself and make your own decisions in future.

Lastly, don't use your child as a tool. The issues you and her father have are nothing to do with her. She has a right to a relationship with her father and you don't have a right to interfere in it. There is no hope of you rekindling the marriage so work towards her and her dad having a relationship instead. In time, if you allow yourself to grow independently, you will meet the right person for you and maybe your daughter will be lucky to end up with two positive male influences in her life.

TheBlock

Best wishes OP you are not alone in this type of situation. Do whats best for you and your Daughter.

pwurple

Does your husband have living parents or family?

When you marry, usually you know your parents-in-law or extended family also. Have you also connected with them? Do they have a relationship with their grandchild / niece / nephew.

It sounds like you're doing what you can to get support. Moving home and setting up a support network is the right thing to do.

I also agree, don't contact this other woman anymore.

In terms of next steps, you need to make sure you get a separation agreement, followed by a divorce and arrange maintenance for your child (and yourself if needed). Get legal advice.

And keep receipts, record expenses. Childs clothing, food, transport, rental (including deposit lost), all the bills in your new accommodation (light, heat anything else). Plus anything else you need for them (books etc). You don't get to create a human being and walk away leaving a woman with all the cost of raising them for a lifetime. That's not how it works.

Purple Mountain

pwurple wrote: »

In terms of next steps, you need to make sure you get a separation agreement, followed by a divorce and arrange maintenance for your child (and yourself if needed). Get legal advice.
.

To add to this.. enquire immediately about the One Parent Family Payment.
Citizens Information might be a good starting point.

OP a few practicalities first.

Are you working yourself? Do you have any form of income? Are you renting? How long is it since your husband moved out?

I highly recommend both Treoir.ie (helpline 01 6700 120 or they have a "call back" button on their website where they will call you) or OneFamily (helpline 01 662 9212) for practical advice, on what happens next.

You may be able to apply for One Parent Family Payment, and assistance with your rent. Unfortunately, as you are married you must be living apart from your husband for at least three months before you will qualify for One-Parent Family Payment but you should apply as soon as possible. If you have no income you can apply for Supplementary Welfare Allowance.

Your father sounds well-intentioned, but controlling. He does not have any say in whether your ex-husband has a relationship with his child or not.

JustAThought

I’m sorry to hear about your marriage OP and dreams of a happy life together with your partner. As a young love from age 18 + maybe your love had already run its course when you fell pregnant and your husband wanted to do the right thing by you both. Your father must have seen serious signs to have spoken to him like that - he loves you and didn’t want you married in vain or your and the little babies heart broken.

Whether your husband likes it or not he has a financial responsibility to you and to his child. I’d make this clear and make it clear to his family too - he nor they can can just shrug off their responsibilities for the next 18 years and expect the state to fund his choices or you and your parents to have to bear all the costs and financial responsibility.

It’s a terrible thing to have happened to you, and to someone so young.

I’d be screengrabbing and printing out messages and texts and writing to him by registered post via his family home - I don’t think email is admissible in court. You don’t want him to turn around and blame you and say he took a break and when he came home his wife and baby were gone and his belongings were piled in the door like refuse and everyone including the landlady were colluding to threaten him and keep him from his baby and that you abandoned the family home and disappeared.

Ifs a terrible thing to have happened to you & I’m really sorry. If he didn’t love you he shouldn’t have been a coward of convenience and kept living with you and sleeping with you while shopping about and being unfaithful with other women.

Neyite

He's probably blocked you because he feels you are controlled by your father who seems to have been calling all the shots in this situation. And more so now he knows you've moved home with his daughter and are now even more under the thumb of your parents.

A wedding isn't stability for a child. Far from it. Marriage is only stable when the two people who got married love and care for each other, willingly chose to marry each other and are committed to a life together. A shotgun wedding engineered by a bully father was always going to end in heartbreak for all involved.

Let the dust settle. Work on building an independent life in time for you and your daughter -away from your parents and their influence. If your ex wants to get in touch to see his child, he can unblock your number and call you to find out where you are. And in time you both (without outside influences) can work out how to co-parent effectively together. Stop messaging this woman. She sounds decent, and doesn't deserve to be dragged into being your mediator with your ex.

You are hurting right now - your upbringing has fooled you into thinking certain things that you have now learned the hardest way aren't true. Find a counsellor and take the time you need to heal from this. It sounds that even at this early stage, you know the marriage wasn't right and that's already a big step in the process of figuring out this mess. You'll be ok. But figure out for you what you want your daughters childhood to look like -one where her parents are friends and put her first in their lives sounds ideal - but that wont happen as long as your ex thinks your dad can bully both of you into doing his bidding including withholding his daughter from her father. So work on that independent living, detaching from your parents and then you can start on creating a life for her as co-parents. You will be ok.