Nervous about moving out of parents home

LegacyUser

My partner and I have lived with my family for the past year. She was supposed to be moving in for a few months because of the renting situation in the city but then the pandemic hit and she’s been here almost a year and a half now.

The plan was we’d move out together but I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t see what living away could offer. I know it’s supposed to be great for independence and I absolutely wanted to move out before the pandemic, but now the idea of all that change makes me so anxious and stressed that I start tearing up thinking about it. I’m comfortable as I am and feel safe and content here, and I know I need to get out of my comfort zone and basically grow up but I just feel so nervous about it.

My partner on the other hand is rearing to move back out. She’s been bringing it up a lot lately, getting upset about feeling like she’s not living in her own space but someone else’s.

Our plan was we’d move out together. I’m 27 so I know I need to just do it already and if COVID hadn’t happened I would have already, but the idea of it just makes me nervous now and I don’t know how to discuss it with my partner.

If someone else has ever been very anxious about moving out of the family home, I’d love to hear it and hear how you got yourself to do it.

TheadoreT

What are the exact aspects of moving out that are causing you stress? Is it missing the comforts of mammy doing everything for you? Or thinking its a waste of money to rent? Or being a creature of habit you don't like change? Or is it the thought of being alone with your girlfriend? Probably need to fully honest with yourself of the reasons you don't want to.

But imo you need to put on your big boy pants and do it. If this was your plan and your GF is feeling uncomfortable in your parents(which is very understandable) then you need to listen to her or risk losing her. She more than compromised for you so she deserves that in return.

Tork

Would I be right in guessing that you have never lived away from home? You sound a lot like a teenager who's leaving home for the first time, not a 27 year old with a job and a girlfriend.

You're looking at this from a very self-centred point of view. All of this is based on your fears of finally fleeing the nest and you've not taken the feelings of your girlfriend or your parents into account. I don't blame your girlfriend one bit for wanting to move out but I don't think you fully understand how she feels. Going from living as an independent adult in rented accommodation to an 18-month stay with somebody else's parents is a huge ask. The house might be your home but it isn't hers. It probably never leaves her mind that she's living with your family under their roof. She can't behave in the same way she would in a house-share or if the two of you were living together. All the everyday things she would've done in her previous accommodations are now coloured by being cooped up with your family - meals, laundry, what you do in your spare time, your sex life etc. Shen doubt feels she has to be on her best behaviour all the time and she is conscious of being a guest in your home. No wonder it is doing the poor woman's head in. She has been more than patient but that will run out at some point.

You haven't thought about how your family feel about her either. Hopefully, they all like your girlfriend but if they were honest, they'd prefer if she was gone now. It's nothing personal but she isn't family in the way you are. In their own way, their behaviour and thinking is being coloured by having a non-family member in their space. If they had known that 18 months later she'd still be there, would they have been happy to have her moving in? They're not going to say it to you but I bet you (the couple) have worn out your welcome.

If you continue with your current mindset, you run the risk of losing your girlfriend. Your family were kind enough to bail her out at the time but if you have alternatives, you should be taking them. Is this fear of moving out really about cutting the apron strings or are you afraid of living with your girlfriend?

Moving out of home when you're so settled into your comfort zone isn't easy but if you don't do it now, when will you? You're just going to get more set in your ways and more fearful as time goes on.

leggo

Moving itself is an absolute pain and I get if the anxiety is about the hassle of packing up and moving your entire life. I've moved a few times and always end up putting it on the long finger. But the way around it is to just commit before you're ready, agree to a time and date, pay the rent/deposit so now it's extremely stupid not to be living in the new place, then you just have to pack so you do. And it's actually handy once you get started. You can get moved from A to B in one stressful day then you're done.

After that, it's the best feeling ever and you can just start adding to your place, making it your own and building your own life and identity away from the family home.

I agree with those who've said you risk losing your girlfriend here. You'd be going back on a big agreement that you guys already made. Plus consider that this situation is NOT tenable long-term: you won't live there forever and suggesting her moving out separately would be a step back in the relationship and will come across as a bad combo of a slap in the face/rejection/unattractive. Her plan is the way forward if you want to continue the relationship, so if that's the case then get your head around it fast (if not, then this is a very different discussion we should be having). Then, and only then, it's okay to be honest and tell her it's making you anxious. Not in a "I don't want to do it" way, in a "I need support from my partner right now" way.

Big Bag of Chips

Moving out and becoming independent is the natural progression for an adult. If it is causing you to tear up even thinking about it you might benefit from talking to someone. Your gf, your parents, your GP if necessary. It is understandable to be a bit anxious obviously. But not to the point where it is stopping you from taking that step.

You are being incredibly unfair on your gf. She temporarily moved into your parents' house with the plan that you'd both move out together. Personally I would hate to live in my 'in-laws' space for that long. As an adult I moved out of my own parents house to gain my independence. I certainly would not have liked the idea of moving in to somebody else's parents' indefinitely.

Do you want to remain in this relationship? If so you are going to have to take that step. Talk to your gf. I bet she is itching for you two to have your own space now. If you feel you're not ready for that yet you have to be honest with her. Let her make her own decision. She may move out on her own but continue to go out with you. Or she may move out and move on. But I can't see her being too happy to stay there indefinitely whilst you try figure out if you're ready to take the step.

TheadoreT

I'd be careful even making a massive deal out of it either, if someone i was dating was losing their mind over a natural adult step in a relationship I'd question is this what it'll be like for any important life decision and whether its worth it overall. Such is the focus on mental health these days advice often goes too far one way and people become too feeble or ill equipped for the big bad world, and often a good old fashioned shutting up and getting on with it is best. You'll usually feel much better after and find fear alone was causing the disproportionate amount of anxiety. You'll find most people are far more resilient or adaptable than you're given yourself credit for OP.

Zebrag

Hi OP

I don't want to sound blunt but are you a bit of a mummy's boy? A homebird? Your dinner is cooked and clothes are cleaned for you at home that you really don't have to do too much? It's not a judgemental statement I am making but it's to the point of, are you afraid to move out base on the fact that you've things done for you and you know when you move out these luxuries will be gone?

My boyfriends bother is like this. 26, has a long term GF, she's desperate to move out but he won't because his dinner is on the table when he gets home and any clothes he wants washed, his mam does it for him. So much to say that he doesn't do his own food shopping because Mammy buys it for him. He doesn't have to do squat. She enables it and he enjoys it. It's as simple as that. I don't blame him but in the same breath, he has to grow up at some point. Like yourself.

This being said, is the thought of moving out with your girlfriend soley on the basis that it's your giflriend you don't want to move in with? Living with a partner in a family home isn't the same as living with your partner in your own home and tensions can be high or low depending on the dynamics but the overal issue here seems to be that it's a fear of moving in with the giflriend herself. She sounds like someone who wants to live life as a couple, do adult things and basically.... Grow up. Rightly so and I agree with her completely. Living with your parents is nice to a point but when the time reaches, what if you want to get married and have children, do you still want to live with your parents then?

I think you've to ask yourself directly what it is you want. My boyfriends brother has told me himself that he doesn't want to move out because he knows the GF won't do half as much as Mammy does and has often said she can be lazy but it's not laziness on her side, it's laziness and childlike on his side. Your girlfriend is probably looking at you each day woundering when the hell you'll ever grow up and seperate yourself from your parents. That's what I gathered from the post.

You've a job I gather and old enough to wipe your own bottom I presume. Pull up the big boy pants and actually let your parents have their home and their son to have a life of their own. God forbid you've to do things yourself and pay bills and do your own things but you'll understand what independence really means. You might find it's not all the cracked up and things don't work out with the GF and you can go back home or you might find that actually it's not actually that bad..being an adult.

There's worst things in life but worrying about moving because you can't detach yourself from the family home due to being comfortable is a recipie for disaster for your relationship to be honest. I don't condone it and I'm sure theres many couples out there who've stayed in the parents home with their partner and have seen no faults but personally, it doesn't sit well with me and doesn't help a relationship grow

Rubberchikken

What exactly are you anxious about?
You say you would have done it pre covid so what has changed?
Are you considering moving so far away that you wouldn't see your parents? Do you still have the same feelings for your Gf?

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

Zebrag wrote: »

My boyfriends bother is like this. 26, has a long term GF, she's desperate to move out but he won't because his dinner is on the table when he gets home and any clothes he wants washed, his mam does it for him. So much to say that he doesn't do his own food shopping because Mammy buys it for him. He doesn't have to do squat. She enables it and he enjoys it. It's as simple as that. I don't blame him but in the same breath, he has to grow up at some point. Like yourself.

I guess there's a mix with this. I would be fairly self-sufficient. My Mam makes me a lunch to bring to work some days, I make it for her on others. It's not all take, take, take but she probably does do a little more for me than I do for her. I'm also a girl by the way.

This being said, is the thought of moving out with your girlfriend soley on the basis that it's your giflriend you don't want to move in with?

This is probably a bit of it as well. I don't know whether it's lockdown stress or what but I've just been having doubts about the relationship the last few months, and when I try to discuss our relationship she gets upset and says "are you breaking up with me or not?" and when I say no, that's the end of the conversation. I definitely don't want to be single and I love her and I want to be with her, but other times she says or does some stuff that really makes me start doubting our future.

And I want to clarify that it was my girlfriends and my family's idea to move her in with us. I was against it. She was looking for a place and floated the idea a few times (I thought she was joking), as it's cheaper rent for her and our house is a lot better than where she was living.

I wasn't too keen because I thought the dynamic would be a bit strange, especially as we were only together for a few months when she moved in. When I said my girlfriend was looking for somewhere new to live, my parents then came to me with the same idea because it was extra income for them. They said we could trial it for a couple of months and then said she could stay until the end of 2020, and then in October and November they said there was no rush for us to move in 2021.

I felt like the bad guy not wanting it to happen, so I just agreed to it because they all thought it was the best of both worlds.

We were about to move out when the pandemic hit anyway but my girlfriend took a big pay cut and she and my Mam both said we should wait it out. I suppose my parents are probably worried we'll never see each other from restrictions.

During the pandemic, my frontline job wrecked my mental health. My girlfriend thinks I should quit and search for something related to my degree (which I'm finishing up in May), but I don't want to quit if we're living somewhere else because it'll eat up my (minimal) savings.

I guess it's just a lot of stuff has happened that's built up into me being anxious about this and to be honest, I'm nervous about our future as a couple as well. She's done a couple of things to hurt me and I try brush it off as her being stressed but I just worry that she's different now.

I know I need to go to counselling but I don't have a space in my house to comfortably do it virtually, which is probably another reason I should move out. I'm sorry this is so long but it felt good to at least get it out a bit.

TheadoreT

That update added a lot more context and goes a long way to explaining the anxiety. Thanks for the front line work during Covid, very understandable how that could take significant toll considering how long its dragged on.

I think the key is you say you do love her and want to be with her. So if that's true all the advice still stands that you need to move out to strengthen the relationship. It could be the making of you two. And its only renting at the end of the day, worse comes to worse you can move back home if it doesn't work out.

So apologies for assuming gender/sexuality, put your big girl boots on and go for it.

YellowLead

Hi OP, make sure if you do move out with your girlfriend that it is fully what you want, as opposed to pleasing her to keep the relationship going. You said yourself you were against her moving in but agreed because you didn’t want to look like the bad guy. If you spend your life pleasing others at the expense of your own needs and wants, you’ll be miserable.

If I may say so I think it was very cheeky of her to ask could she move in with you and your family after only dating for a couple of months!
It’s a HUGE step - you are uncertain about moving out and living with just her for a reason.

You’ve been thorough a lot as a front line worker - normally I would advocate for somebody your age to move out of the family home - but it sounds like you need the support network at the moment so time enough to move out when restrictions ease - living alone is no picnic right now.
Some of the comments you have made about your gf have made me concerned she is a little bit controlling?
‘She's done a couple of things to hurt me and I try brush it off as her being stressed but I just worry that she's different now’

I would be interested to see how the relationship goes with her having moved out and you remaining at home and then you could look to getting a place together in time.

Tork

In light of your update, I think the next step for you is to talk to somebody. You're under a lot of stress and at the heart of it are your doubts about your relationship. I get the impression you don't know what you want and that your girlfriend is the one who's calling the shots. Suggesting ye move in with your family was a bit much when you were only together a wet week. Or at least that's how I see it. Are you sure this isn't your gut screaming at you that this relationship isn't the right one for you?

On the one hand you talk about how you love her. On the other, you admit you're afraid to be alone and have your doubts. She has said things that have hurt you and you think she has changed. They say the way to find out how to know somebody is to come live with them. It's not ideal either that when you try to discuss the relationship, it ends with her getting upset and asking do you want to break up. Waterworks can be a manipulative way to close down a conversation and this makes me wonder...

Is there really no time at all during your day when you could talk to a counsellor? Is there anywhere private you can go at all, even just to talk to someone over the phone? I think you need to find some sort of space to talk to somebody, even if it means going to a park on your lunch break and walking around or something.

qwerty13

It sounds like both your GF and parents really pushed for the current arrangement, for different reasons. Where were your views on this? Did you just go along with it for a quiet life? I’m not getting where your views are represented - either fully expressed up front by you, or listened to by your GF or parents, even if you did quietly say what you thought.

Im not getting that you feel secure in your relationship. It sounds like you’re on the back foot about your GF (her moving in to your parents house when you were against it, her staying far longer than the original plan, her hurting your feelings). I did wonder why you still love someone who doesn’t seem to be listening to you, and has said and done things to hurt you. Also, if she’s taken such a pay cut, would you be footing the bulk of the bills if you moved in together?

Obviously I’m only getting a snippet of your life, but my take is that it’s not anxiety about moving out of home - it’s anxiety (or even just plain old a gut feeling) that you don’t feel right about moving in with your GF.

It sounds like you have a lot of pressure from all sides, including work. Is there an employee assistance programme with work, for a few sessions of free counselling (I have very vague memories of reading about that for frontline workers, I could be wrong). I think you need a breather more than anything else at the moment - and to concentrate on you. I also think it would be great for you to speak to a professional about the stress you’re under. Can you find a way to do this, possibly over the phone while parked in your car?

PS: not wanting to be single is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. I’m sure that’s not the only reason that you’d stay with her, but even the fact that you said that makes me wonder if you’re settling for someone, as opposed to being with someone who brings happiness to your life. I think that deep down, you know that this relationship isn’t working for you.

B.A._Baracus

Hi op,
When it comes to flying the coop you have two types of people - those who can't wait and those who are so scared to. I was in the latter.

It seems so scary. It makes you anxious. Being on your own two feet. But billions in the world have done it.
See your gf has already done it by moving in with you and your parents. That's why she wants to move out. She's right too. While you may not realise this right now, you will become more of your own man by moving out.

But you'll only see this when you do it.

qwerty13

BA, I’d have posted the same based on OP’s first post - but I changed my mind reading OP’s post of 18:15 yesterday

HildaOgdenx

OP, I'm not going to add a huge amount to what YL, Tork and qwerty have said.

There's an awful lot going on there. Trying to finish your degree, work, all the uncertainty about the relationship, and the lockdown on top of all of that. No wonder you are stressed.
It honestly doesn't sound like a good time to commit to moving out to move in with your partner. There's a lot of doubt there and nobody seems to be listening to you.

If you could, as has been suggested, chat to someone from your car, it would be at least a bit of privacy. I have attended occasional workshops in the last year where people have done that, sometimes just for peace, and sometimes because their broadband is poor, or whatever.

Do look into the EAP services. Tell everyone you are not making decisions about anything until you get your degree finished, buy yourself some breathing space, at least.

And as has been said, upthread, not wanting to be single is not a reason to stay with someone.

Mind yourself.

B.A._Baracus

qwerty13 wrote: »

BA, I’d have posted the same based on OP’s first post - but I changed my mind reading OP’s post of 18:15 yesterday

Good point. I totally overlooked that post.

Neyite

You've a lot on your plate - finishing up your degree, work stress, and a relationship that skipped the whole "lets date for a while to see how we get along before co-habiting". That's a pretty important part of the process.

I wonder, if it had been a man angling to move in with your parents, would they have been telling you (or rather your partner) to slow down and take time to get to know each other before moving in? I suppose I'm wondering that if, in a misguided way of trying to be supportive of your sexuality, they were overly enthusiastic pushing for a situation you or potentially your relationship weren't ready for?

In this situation, it's complicated by your partner living with you but it might be best to just rip the band-aid off, the next time she asks you if you are breaking up with her, that you say "Yes. I think I am. I've had doubts about our relationship for a while, and I was against you moving in because I felt it was too much too soon, that the dynamic would be weird and it's all evolved the way I feared" It will be horrible and awkward until she moves out, but you will likely be relieved even if it is uncomfortable.
The other alternative is to move into a box-room flat share on your own without telling anyone in your family, and break up with her while you do it. What your parents and your girlfriend do about the living arrangements in your home is their own concern -they engineered it that way, they can sort it out.

The third way is to refuse to ever move out, let her eventually get fed up and hope she leaves but that's a risky strategy because if she was that happy to move in, it's unlikely it will happen sooner rather than later...

Whatever way you look at it, your relationship doubts are translating into a reluctance to move out with her. Listen to your gut. It's trying to tell you that this relationship has run it's course. That the next stage - living alone as a couple- is something you don't want to do.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree OP. You should be excited about the prospect of moving in with your partner. If you're not, then maybe your gut/heart is trying to tell you that something isn't right here. As others have mentioned not wanting to be single is the worst possible reason you could possibly use for wanting to stay in a relationship.

What's wrong with being single for a while? What do you think you'll be missing out on? You are feeling suffocated by your partner and forced into a situation that you are uncomfortable with by both your partner and your parents. Why is that preferable to having a bit of breathing space to figure out what YOU want in life. It seems you are being dragged along by what others want and what others think you should do. But you do get a choice. I assume you are a relatively young adult. It can be daunting, especially if you haven't moved out of your childhood home to make that transition from your parents' child to your own independent adult. But if you don't start making that transition, and making the choices that are best for you, rather than the choices that will keep others happy then you will continue to be uncomfortable.