Overthinking or a genuine issue?

LegacyUser

My girlfriend and I have been together for close to 5 years now. We're both in our late twenties. Our relationship is a very good one, the best I've ever had, we've rarely had any major arguments, we enjoy the same things etc. We are in the same place in the relationship, we're both very invested and we've talked a decent bit about our long term future-kids, house etc. Recently I've been thinking about proposing to her but there's one issue that's bothering me.

Growing up I always had romantic notions about meeting 'the one' and probably would have believed in destiny a bit. (I'm a bit embarrassed even typing that now) I don't know why I thought/think like this but could be down to having parents who were childhood sweethearts and always kept any issues they had well hidden from us kids.

My girlfriend is much the opposite. She wouldn't have the romantic outlook I have at all. Her parents split when she was 12 and have had other relationships, her mother recently re-married.

Until I met her, I would have had a good few short term relationships-maybe lasting 2/3 months. I guess in my head I was searching for 'the one' and once I knew that I didn't click with someone I ended things and resumed my search. My girlfriend on the other hand, had 4 boyfriends prior to us meeting lasting between 6mnths & 2 years. In each case her ex boyfriends ended the relationship, it was never her.

Here is my issue-I'm kind of worried that I'm not particularly special to her and that she would have been just as happy with any of her ex boyfriends or somebody she could potentially meet in the future. Obviously I've opened up to her about this, but I find she isn't particularly convincing when she tries to reassure me. She denies that this is the case & says things like 'I just get on better with you' or 'none of them fitted in with my family.'

I am prone to over-thinking things so I may just be doing that, but I would like to hear other people's perspectives on it.

Personally I think your overthinking it. Sounds like you have a strong and happy relationship and don't keep looking for issues that just aren't there.

Jequ0n

Well you are aware that you have a habit of overthinking things, which is good. Personally I think that “overthinking” is a euphemism for sabotaging yourself. It’s so common and yet so destructive.

The very last thing you want to do is compare what you have to scenarios you made up in your mind. Her previous relationships can’t have been amazing if she was dumped and sounds like she was quite young for at least some of them. I think most of us were looking at different qualities when first dating people then later on in life.

Yeah, bin that idea your parents planted in your head. It sounds like the typical story all parents like to portrait. It’s poison trying to live up to an ideal because you’ll always feel like you can’t reach it...

TheadoreT

I mean its as big or small of an issue that you choose to make it. I've a female friend and remember her saying in college "I'd date any of the lads in this group", not in a slutty way, just that she wasn't picky at all. She's always been in relationships and married now. But like your GF she was always the one dumped or cheated on. Do i think the guy shes married to is perfect for her?-no, but perhaps perfect isnt all that realistic, or at least its more risky. I think she's generally more content than your average person though. Having lofty expectations or standards can often cause sadness if they're not met.

Some people just don't have that need to find "the one" and value any decent company over loneliness or being single.

Sorry op I think you are over thinking which will cause problems and find things that are not there.
There is no '' the one '' in the real world. What there is is someone who respects you, is honest with you, that you love, find attractive and want a future with ( positive that you mentioned planning your future together).
Letting go of your parents ''ideal love' would be a good starting point, use thier respect and love to mould and build what you and your girlfriend have now at this point in time. Nothing is as it seems and no of us know other peoples relationships truly only those two people.

Minime2.5

This is very naive thinking. There are almost 8 billion people on this planet . A good % of them are eligible women that you could have had a relationship with . There is NO one but millions of others who you could have had the same thing with

Short answer, its none of your business what your alternative-reality girlfriend is doing with anyone else right now!

Life is very very short and chasing perfection in anyone is a quick route to misery- dont be looking for problems is my advice

Esse85

Work on your insecurities.

Sounds like you have a solid relationship, don't allow those insecurities fcuk it up.

Porklife

You come across a bit narcissistic to be honest with a needy edge. You want to know you're the best and that she loves you more than she loved previous partners. Due to the fact her exes ended their relationship with her, you're insecure thinking she may well have married one of these guys had the decision not been taken away from her.
My advice, be grateful for what you have and stop creating a problem where there is none.
In the words of Theodore Roosevelt 'Comparison is the thief of joy'. Forget about past relationships or your parents seemingly idyllic relationship and focus on nurturing your own one.

jmlad2020

Sounds like true love to me.

Rubberchikken

I don't believe in 'the one' or soulmates or whatever.
If you're up with someone who makes you happy who's company you enjoy, even the boring bits and the feeling is returned then I say be happy and don't pick at imaginary scabs.

Your parents have had a good marriage seemingly but not perfect and not without issues that they may have chosen to keep to themselves.
That's admirable but a hard standard to try to keep up to.
Instead enjoy the relationship you have and do your best.

ShaShaBear

I think the difference is that a lot of people (myself included) tend to work very hard to keep a failing relationship together when the problem isn't their side or they aren't quite sure what the problem is. I've never broken up with any of my serious ex-partners. The shortest relationship spanned one year and the longest almost 4 years and included living together. None of these would ever have gone to marriage but I was just so desperate to "make" it work, I didn't want to think I should have "worked harder" at things. When I met my now husband, we instantly clicked and things went rather expediently after that

TLDR just because your girlfriend didn't end her relationships and gave them a longer "shot" than you did, doesn't mean she would have settled for any of them.

zoobizoo

To quote a Whitlam's song:

"you're 1 in a million, so there are 5 more like you in New South Wales"

She's chosen because as she said: 'I just get on better with you'

ISn't that why most people choose to be with other people.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. They are very reassuring.

I think maybe with the lockdowns I've lost a bit of self worth, as work has dried up. The extra time on my hands has led me down the path of over thinking and narcissism. It is self sabotage as has been said above. Hopefully it fades with the re-opening of society.

Thank you all.

leggo

Yeah just to second everyone saying overthinking. Part of things working out means it being mutual. If you’re the one who was broken up with you tend to get over the other person easier because you never have to contend with the idea that you might’ve made a mistake. You also don’t have any choice but to get over it.

In terms of proper relationships, I’d have been broken up with more often than not because my disposition would be “try to make it work, then you can walk away knowing you did.” In pretty much all instances I’d have had the other person reach out or full on come back tail between their legs. I’ve never gotten back with someone that I’ve been broken up with for a significant amount of time because I’ve been emotionally gone and have grown and learned.

If I had a partner ask me about these like you have, I’d give a similar non-response to your partner because there’s nothing to say, there’s nothing there and it’s not something I’d spend time thinking about. You get over it because you have to and then it’s done. That’s probably how your partner feels and why she’s answering that way and, if you know how to read it, it’s probably the most reassuring answer you could get. But if you’re looking for something wrong, your brain will eventually find it whether it’s there or not, so be aware of your tendency to do this and try enjoy the fact that you seem to have a good thing.

40HappyYears

settlerpet wrote: »

My girlfriend and I have been together for close to 5 years now. We're both in our late twenties. Our relationship is a very good one, the best I've ever had, we've rarely had any major arguments, we enjoy the same things etc. We are in the same place in the relationship, we're both very invested and we've talked a decent bit about our long term future-kids, house etc. Recently I've been thinking about proposing to her but there's one issue that's bothering me.

Growing up I always had romantic notions about meeting 'the one' and probably would have believed in destiny a bit. (I'm a bit embarrassed even typing that now) I don't know why I thought/think like this but could be down to having parents who were childhood sweethearts and always kept any issues they had well hidden from us kids.

My girlfriend is much the opposite. She wouldn't have the romantic outlook I have at all. Her parents split when she was 12 and have had other relationships, her mother recently re-married.

Until I met her, I would have had a good few short term relationships-maybe lasting 2/3 months. I guess in my head I was searching for 'the one' and once I knew that I didn't click with someone I ended things and resumed my search. My girlfriend on the other hand, had 4 boyfriends prior to us meeting lasting between 6mnths & 2 years. In each case her ex boyfriends ended the relationship, it was never her.

Here is my issue-I'm kind of worried that I'm not particularly special to her and that she would have been just as happy with any of her ex boyfriends or somebody she could potentially meet in the future. Obviously I've opened up to her about this, but I find she isn't particularly convincing when she tries to reassure me. She denies that this is the case & says things like 'I just get on better with you' or 'none of them fitted in with my family.'

I am prone to over-thinking things so I may just be doing that, but I would like to hear other people's perspectives on it.

Dude you're just a romantic, there is nothing wrong with that but your girlfriend isn't. But look at the facts, you have been together 5 years and you're talking about starting a family together. Like what else does she have to do to prove her love for you?

I assure you if you did propose she would be over the moon and as you get closer to marriage and having kids together it's a very romantic time in your life.

If this is your only issue then you are definitely an over thinker.