Age difference

LegacyUser

I'm a 53 male but I look way younger, and mostly act and feel younger too. Lucky in many ways I know, but still...

I'm single, I've never really managed a long term relationship. I'm quite friendly now with a lady who I'm sure is way younger, probably late 30's or early 40's. I don't know if she wants to take it any further, but if she did, I don't want to end up giving her a big shock.

But how do you deal with this? Just come out with it one day: "do you know what age I am?" It would put a bit of a damper on things. But then leaving it until things progressed further would be worse still. Any ideas?

Rubberchikken

I think you need to find out if this woman wants to takes things further as you say.
The age difference isn't hugh imo. If she's interested in you age mightn't be important to her.

TheadoreT

Many people think they look way younger than they are and others will probably tell you this to be kind to you but in reality its very rare someone looks + or - 5 years from their actual age. So I'd say she has a general idea anyway. Of course you can look good for your age but there's still always signs that give it away.

And the age gap is fine. If you were a 33 year old chasing a 19 year old it would be a bit creepy but age gaps get less significant the older we get as there's much less disparity in emotional intelligence or maturity or life experience(or at least there should be).

Only potential issue is if she wants kids and if you can or want to but thats getting several steps ahead of whether she actually likes you so eh just tell her you like her and ask her out.

leggo

Tbh I’d only see age differences as potentially problematic if you’re in your 50’s and she was in her teens/20’s. By the time we hit our 30’s/40’s, I’d say we’re all just in the category of ‘adults’ until we hit ‘elderly’.

So I’d just approach this as any other romantic situation. Your age will come up naturally and she can make her own mind up if it matters when it does.

Segotias

Be honest with her if she's interested.

When I was 33 I got into a relationship with someone who was 48. Were together around 4 years ultimately broke up because of the difference. We had different interests across the board due to our ages, different mentalities about things.

On one occasion in a disagreement he referred to me as a child..that was the beginning of the end.

It has stayed with me to this day, I will not engage with a big age gap either older or younger.

YellowLead

I think the only issue would be if you specifically lied about your age. If she is interested in dating you, and age is a deal breaker for her, she will ask what age you are.

I’ve never not known the age of somebody I dated, it would always come up in conversation.
Leave it up to her whether or not she is interested despite age gap (as long as you are cool with it) as everybody is different. Personally Im 36 and date up to around 50.
As somebody else mentioned - she probably has an idea anyway - women are quite astute at guessing ages based on lots of factors.

B.A._Baracus

Forget the age for a second. See if she wants to take things further.
If she does she will naturally ask how old you are, do you have any siblings, what's your pets names blah blah blah

If things go further just be honest with your age. She'll find out eventually. Besides you don't have that much of an age gap. But see all this age gap, it only applies to certain ages. People would raise an eyebrow at a 19yo dating a 34yo (15 years) but wouldn't have any issue about a 34yo dating a 49yo (15 years)

Don't sell yourself short.

ILoveYourVibes

Forget age.

What do you want in your future. Is it the same as she wants?

If i guy i was interested in was attractive to me and wanted what i wanted kids etc it doesn't matter what age he is.

So long as you both see yourselves in the same place in the future that is all that matters.

Big Bag of Chips

"Quite friendly", could just be a woman being friendly. You need to let her know that you are romantically interested in her. If she feels the same the age difference won't matter to her. At around 40 years of age, she's a middle aged adult woman. I'm sure interest from someone in their 50s isn't going to horrify her!

But, as mentioned by a poster above, if your attitude is that you're 'the older man', and see her as "way younger" then that attitude won't work in a relationship between two (middle aged) adults.

Edit to add: if you mostly act younger than your years, then ironically you might find yourself too immature for a woman who although younger than you is still very much a fully grown adult, and within your age bracket. I'm not really sure what the significant difference between how a 43 year old man acts and a 53 year old man acts. How young do you think you act? And why do you think that's somehow different to people of your own age?

LegacyUser

All very thoughtful answers, thank you! I was half expecting some sarcasm, maybe I underrate this forum:-)

Why do I think I look young? I don't want to sound vain about it, but there was another lady in the same sports club (I don't want to give too much detail away) who said she thought I was in my late 30's, when in fact I was into my 50s. I think I really do look young (I have plenty hair and almost none is grey). And sports-wise I'd outrun many younger guys. But yes indeed other ladies might well know instinctivey how old I am, I think some do alright.

Acting young? I think I'm a bit immature. I think that's part of the reason I've never had a long relationship, I really didn't understand how they worked very well. But I've built up knowledge over the years.

I agree that beyond mid 30's or so, it doesn't really matter that much. I definitely don't want kids at this stage so I guess that's my main concern.

With this lady we really click on a sporting level, but maybe that's all. And if it is that's OK with me too. I'm going to take my time, and maybe one day when we're back in a pub we might get into a deeper discussion. In the meantime we'll hopefully continue to enjoy each other's sporting company (when covid allows).

Finding someone is hard enough without self-imposed barriers. It's really not that big of a deal, especially at your ages.

Its obviously bothering you, so when it's your birthday just mention it, of when you win at the sport say something like "not bad for a lad in his fifties, eh?"

JustAThought

Killian Rough Diagram wrote: »

Its obviously bothering you, so when it's your birthday just mention it, of when you win at the sport say something like "not bad for a lad in his fifties, eh?"

I definately would not do this!

Irish_rat

Liff wrote: »

I'm a 53 male but I look way younger, and mostly act and feel younger too. Lucky in many ways I know, but still..

It doesnt matter if you think you look or act younger, you are still 53. Be decent and tell her your age, otherwise you are wasting each others time.

FWIW I'm with a woman 12 years older than me and its not a big deal. Age is really irrelevant if she is into you

qwerty13

Not sure I agree with the ‘age is irrelevant at your mutual ages’ point of view. Surely that’s up to both of you to decide. And she can only decide if it’s an informed decision, by which I mean tell her your age.

She may want kids. She may want them with a younger partner. She may be reluctant to date someone a good bit older. You both could be at different points re wanting a mortgage etc. Of course none of that might be a priority to her at all - but you don’t know that, so I think best to put your age out there, and then at least she can make an informed choice. Personally, it wouldn’t bother me - but I know of a few friends who it would bother. The point is that you won’t know until you tell her.

LegacyUser

Good to hear that it may not be an issue - I might have been getting a bit paranoid about the whole thing.

I think it might all solve itself soon - with vaccinations! It's going to be funny how vaccination by age will "expose" people's ages, I hear people talking about that already. Not a bad thing in my view. I know in other countries people are much more open about it.

Lesalare

My past BF was 53 and I am 45. Not as big a gap as late 30's. Initially it was something which sort of bothered me a tad but I overcame that. I really grew to love him. We never know what's around the corner and if you are honest with her and she is keen, just go with the flow. If it doesn't bother her, great! Only thing I guess like other posters have said re. kids. I didn't want kids of my own and I am too old now anyway so that wasn't a factor for me.