Dating issue

LegacyUser

A man ive been messaging on Tinder added me on instagram and has been messaging me there for the past week. It seemed to be going ok but then he said a few things that made me question everything.


He has a good job local but said he's board of it he's looking into going abroad to work in Australia for the Summer. I might be over thinking here and will be told to mind my business but he has 2 little boys and it made me think badly of him that he would leave the country to go to Australia while presumably his ex does all the childcare. I dont have kids and not sure if ever want any but if I did have them I wouldnt leave them for 3 months for an experience of living abroad.


Am I right for thinking he sounds irresponsible and selfish?

Neyite

I'm an 80s kid so I do remember plenty of dads that worked away in the UK - but they had no choice, and it was not good for the family unit at all. If it was for a genuine opportunity for career advancement then maybe.

But if it's just to spend the summer like a carefree student then I'd be less than impressed. To be honest it would put me right off someone.

YellowLead

If he is struggling to find work here and had the opportunity to make more money over there and it’s just 3 months, then that could be seen as an attempt to provide more financial support for his children. Or maybe the experience he could get would get him a better position when he comes back.

However - if he can get work here, and he is going more for the social element of it that would put me right off.

But only you can decide what kind of man you would like to date....you haven’t even met him yet.

Local_Chap

Was it a throw away comment from him? I don't think Australia will be leaving anyone in in short term or holiday visas this year

The woman gets custody and that Dad has to hang around for 18 years to visit at ths weekends?

I'd say you're overthinking it. And I don't see why people are disparaging the idea of getting away for a few months if it's not purely financial.

LegacyUser

@Neyite - It came across like a carefree student to me. he has a full time secure job here so no need to travel for work.

@Yellowlead - I wrote in my original post that he has a good job here.

@Local Chap - I think you missed the point it's not bothering me if he goes its that he plans to leave his job and go off for a Summer when he has 2 little kids here in Ireland. It made him sound very selfish and irresponsible to me.

YellowLead

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The woman gets custody and that Dad has to hang around for 18 years to visit at ths weekends?

I'd say you're overthinking it. And I don't see why people are disparaging the idea of getting away for a few months if it's not purely financial.

You don’t know what the custody arrangement is.
I don’t think that many people with children would travel that far away (what if something happened) for 3 whole months for a bit of craic - regardless of whether it’s weekend custody or 50/50. They might want to, but they would know that would be selfish and therefore wouldn’t do it. If you want a party lifestyle....don’t have kids

It’s each to their own I guess - so OP it depends what your own values are and whether his life choices align with those, and whether you are just looking for a casual date or something more meaningful might also have a baring on things.

osarusan

What relationship does he have with his kids now? Seeing them regularly?

Tbh, if he is serious about leaving a full-time job and the guarantee of a salary to head to Australia for summer work because he's bored, I think it suggests a fair degree of financial irresponsibility.

Not to mention him not seeing his own kids for months, or them getting to see him, and apparently being ok with that.

YellowLead

AmIRightOrWrong wrote: »

@Neyite - It came across like a carefree student to me. he has a full time secure job here so no need to travel for work.

@Yellowlead - I wrote in my original post that he has a good job here.

@Local Chap - I think you missed the point it's not bothering me if he goes its that he plans to leave his job and go off for a Summer when he has 2 little kids here in Ireland. It made him sound very selfish and irresponsible to me.

Sounds like your mind is made up!

Xterminator

Hi OP

a man you have been chatting with on social media has dreams of working abroad and you are judging him, based on circumstances you don't know, and finding he is

irresponsible and selfish!

Look, it sounds to me like you are carrying some personal baggage here, and viewing him through the prism of someone who has daddy issues.
Im very sorry - that is quite harsh, but thats what i think.

At the very most you know only a small part of his personal circumstances, from such a brief acquaintance. how you can rush to judgement about how much he loves his kids - its beyond reasonable and into dangerous territory to be making those kinds of snap judgements.

look, he could be everything you fear. it is possible. you dont know him very well and it sits badly with me that you assume the worst possible motiviations of him , without all the facts.

seenitall

Hi OP,

This could just be a classic distancing tactic and nothing more concerning (re: his kids, I mean). The facts as they are - him having a stable job here, and Australia being a closed shop at the moment, would lead me to that conclusion. Although I may be wrong. This is just my opinion.

I used to date a guy who would, from very early on, and especially at some remarkably romantically bad-timing moments, suddenly drop in: “I may go to Spain for the summer.” Or “I want to go EFL teaching in the next year.” Needless to say, once I cottoned on to what he was doing, it never moved beyond those early days. It was just an easier way for him to say: “We’re not looking in the same direction here, hun. I’m only good for a fling - here today, gone tomorrow.” (Also needless to say, he never went to Spain or anywhere else for that matter, at all. It’s just a tactic.)

rainbowtrout

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

This could just be a classic distancing tactic and nothing more concerning (re: his kids, I mean). The facts as they are - him having a stable job here, and Australia being a closed shop at the moment, would lead me to that conclusion. Although I may be wrong. This is just my opinion.

I used to date a guy who would, from very early on, and especially at some remarkably romantically bad-timing moments, suddenly drop in: “I may go to Spain for the summer.” Or “I want to go EFL teaching in the next year.” Needless to say, once I cottoned on to what he was doing, it never moved beyond those early days. It was just an easier way for him to say: “We’re not looking in the same direction here, hun. I’m only good for a fling - here today, gone tomorrow.” (Also needless to say, he never went to Spain or anywhere else for that matter, at all. It’s just a tactic.)

Actually that's the first thing I thought when I saw 'messaging on Tinder and going to Australia' before I had read the bit about the kids. I just think he's finding a convenient excuse to let things fizzle out ... if they start. He's just saying that he's not looking for commitment, his kids might not be a factor in any of this, just a convenient excuse.

Nobody with a good job is jacking it in, in the middle of a pandemic for a three month stint in Australia, where you have to spend the first two weeks in a hotel at your own expense under quarantine.

Jequ0n

AmIRightOrWrong wrote: »

Am I right for thinking he sounds irresponsible and selfish?

What a massive jump to conclusions without knowing details on his family arrangements. Comes across as rather judgemental from your side..

The guy dodged a grenade.

Imagine your ex having custody while you support and then your new girlfriend deciding where you can live and dictating you must follow around the ex and her new husband so you can be close to the kids.

Then imagine the opposite. Telling a woman who lost custody that she couldn't choose where she wanted to live and she had to be within visiting distance.

OP, you're quite entitled to think about this man whatever way you want to.
Personally I wouldn't be interested in someone who didn't put their kids first either, it's selfish and immature behaviour and doesn't give a good impression.

Some posters may be right here though, he may be just distancing himself from any possible relationship

RurtBeynolds

It doesn't even sound like you've met this guy? Why do you care, just move on to the next one.

Dog day

OP, I’d be extremely surprised if this wasn’t just simply tactical, it’s a fairly common play by some people who have decided that they don’t want anything serious, they may make a bold statement to insinuate that the current situation is finite. In this case it may be particular to you or he genuinely isn’t up for getting serious with anyone right now. I could be wrong but I’m fairly confident I’m not. To be honest I’m more surprised that you missed this & aghast that you instead focused on making quick & seemingly uninformed judgements on his relationship with his children. Not saying any of this to be unkind, it just all sounds overly intense on your part, you’ve been messaging him for a short amount of time, not to mention focusing on things which currently truly are none of your business. If this level of intensity is your approach to online dating I fear you have a long road ahead of you.