I need to vent

LegacyUser

I have an account here already and what I am venting about, the person knows I have a page and I don't want them knowing it's me.
Someone started a thread on their friendship breaking down and it led me to take a look at a friendship that I've lost. Whether it was due to covid or realization that I can't have this person in my life anymore it's made me realise that their friendship isn't really that greatly missed and I know that's a harsh thing to say but when I lookback on their behaviour towards me and their behaviour towards others I knew myself there was a negative personal eliment somewhere and their behaviours made it clear that they thought of me as a doormat or an easy target to vent whatever frustrations they had on others allowing me to think that I was the one causing their upsets.

I was friends with this person since childhood and although we had the same circle of friends I think we stayed friends due to the circle rather than our personal preferences. I didn't find them very welcoming when it came to asking for advice on general life issues and also mental health issues. It was always a case of their opinions and advice was correct and if I didn't follow them then I was being a crap friend. I was expected to drop whatever I was doing in the exact moment they wanted to meet up. I was expected to jump through hoops and tender to their needs when they wanted but god forbid I needed them it was a case of such another friend needed them instead or such a job was needed first which then I found out, neither of their reasons were true to the extent they made it out to be or was even real in the first place. Social media can have its usages. I've left social media since then.

Said friend has a friend who I firmly believe is not only aggressively possessive but also a nasty piece of work. This friend has cause more problems than needed and drama between myself and friend that friend has put on their blind glasses and refused to awknowledge the problem that is there but alas there's nothing I can do about that and I can't make a person change their views and opinions. For one example ex friends friend texted me a couple of years ago absolutely slating this person. I mean they went full gung ho to the point where I had to tell them that I would prefer if they said all they needed to say to friends face since she felt that negative towards them. I ceased all contact from that person not too long after their own behaviour as it got to the stage where my parent had to listen to this friend absolutely berate the person and left my parent even wondering if they wanted this person in their house again. As childish as this sound, this person was a horrible piece of work and managed to slide her way into ex friends life like butter wouldn't melt and I've come across as the person who has dropped them unexpectedly. So far to say that I recieved a phone call during the second lockdown that the other friend has admitted her mental health declined due to my friendship rejection. It was a scary experience to be honest and I genuinely taught myself that I was doing something wrong.

I neathened have worried though. Ex friend has shown true colours and has made it clear that me, as a person, makes them feel negative because I don't want to encourage the behaviour of those who project negativity and hatred behind people's back. I don't have the patience and honestly I'm old enough to understand that having no friends is a lot more rewarding than being friends with people who make you question you and your life choices. You shouldn't have to validate or find reasons to accommodate. If you don't want to do something, you simply don't have too.

Ex friend was in competition with me for reasons I've yet to gather and I've still yet to figure out why they felt the need to throw away any ideas or plans I have for myself to make them feel better. Both of our lives are miles different but not worthy enough to be in competition over. Not that anyone should be in competition with anyone. In turn I stopped telling them my plans and ideas for myself and future which led them to assume many things about me....
I was being a crap friend. I wasn't tending to their needs. I wasn't making an effort to check up on them. I wasn't making an effort to meet up.

Yes they are right in saying that I wasn't making the effort anymore. I've apologised for various things that were of no fault of mine and due to friends thinking and behaviours, they tended to vent their anger on me towards things that would have made no difference to their other friendships as I notice a couple of their own friends have treated them far worst and friend has asked me advice to how to deal with it.

I probably would done myself a bigger favour by allowing them the option of hearing my opinion and how to rectify the friendship but that would defeat the point of saying, I simply don't want that person in my life any longer and I feel like I can do things, go places and enjoy life without feeling like I have to validate my reasons.
It probably makes me look the one in the wrong and I could have gone about things differently but this brings things to light that when something doesn't feel right, a friendship feels very one sided then its okay to take a step back and think is it worth the negative energy or do you want to let go and enjoy the things in life you appreciate?
I know this was very lengthy but covid, lockdown and friendship has shown me that being protective towards yourself also means respecting others descission. Ex friend spent more time berating me about my lack of appearance physically and didn't want to appreciate that I was willing to video call as much as they wanted. They felt that I wasn't trying hard enough and I wasn't giving them any updates to what's going on in my life.

Have you felt a relationship has changed since Covid began?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Hi OP, rather than have it slide into a general discussion on other people's experiences with friendships throughout Covid, you might just specify what advice you're looking for? It will make it easier for posters to advise you, on your issue.

Thanks

HS

sporina

gee v long post OP - could you summarise a little?

beauf

Ineedtovent wrote: »

....Have you felt a relationship has changed since Covid began?

You need to summarise your post but not just for others but for yourself.

I wouldn't say it charged anything for me. Stuff I half knew was confirmed. Covid kinda stripped away the veneer from a lot of people.

Rubberchikken

As you said yourself in the post, better no friends than friends like this.

Ask yourself what would your life be like without this friend and their issues.

Airyfairy12

Can I suggest shortening the post and adding spaces between paragraphs so its easier to follow.

JustAThought

Good vent - seems its all a bit fraught and has been for years.

Mostly do you enjoy this persons company? Dies your day seem brighter when you hang out with them virtually or otherwise? Do you look forward to catching up with them and having a laugh or telling them your plans and hopes?

Its dosn’t sound like it at all. Maybe you are too close or at different stages in your development and lives or maybe you have not so much in common anymore except a historic friendship based on contact or outlook or circumstances that no longer really apply.

Maybe its time to either man up and say to them that you have lot of personal challenges and thinking going on and you’ll he taking a break from the ‘friendship’ for a while as you need clear headspace to think them through, or that you’re going to take some time to focus on yourself and your career and family and personal development for a while and so might not be as available for the next while.

It seems that the friendship has become one with not enough boundaries and personal respect and it might be best to reaffirm these by building up a bit of distance so they don’t feel so comfortable criticising you and accusing you of various emotional support failures. You are too close in your criticism and expectations and bickering to be proper supportive close non competing friends anymore at the moment.