Friendship

LegacyUser

Hello..

Just wondering could i get some advise on the below:

I've been part of a friendship group for many years, and over the last 18months (probably due to covid) I've become more aware of how irritating i find it all.

So there is a friend who suffers from un-diagnosed anxiety and depression, knows they have this but refuses to get help. They are overly negative and self involved, they have many good qualities as well.

Over the last while its become more noticeable as they seem to just drop people depending on who they favour at the moment, decide what others are thinking and even when corrected or pulled on this doesn't change or realise that this is not right. Instead of asking you how you feel about something you get old in a bitchy way and more often its completely wrong.

This person and another person have unhealthy attachment in their friendship it's like the other person loves to have them dependent on them for advice etc but then complains that they are draining, and i find this hard to understand - why don't you juts back away so.

I find that because i don't have the same complaints about life as them, that they decide i'm closed off, i'm not it's just that the things that bother them about my life don't bother me.

I find it so hard to be around them, its exhausting and seems to be a never ending circle of complaining.

I am consistently the same I don't have major highs or lows, but a couple of years ago I felt really down, and i realised it was because i had started morphing into these people and had lost a sense of self. When I communicated that i felt like i lost myself, i was ignored, ridiculed and it was forgotten about quickly to concentrate on their problems.

This is a group of about 6 and I am on the edge of the group, I've removed myself a lot over the past while.

Thanks in advance.

Anyway, I don't want to lose these friendships and was hoping for advice to help me stay but also not allow them to bother me or make me feel down.

Airyfairy12

Friends should lift you up, not stress you out. Its totally acceptable for friends to talk about their problems and share their thoughts and feelings or bad experiences but when its constant and theres little else and all they are concerned with is themselves and wallowing in self pity and negativity, you need to really make a choice as to whether these people are good for you.

I relate to this, I was in a group with 2 friends, one was constantly negative, critical and assumed she knew what people were thinking, she judged people on her own assumptions. Every interaction I had with her left me feeling drained and feeling used, I felt like she treated me as her personal therapist. The other friend enabled her behavior and was critical and negative too. Over time I felt myself becoming increasingly negative and got dragged into their way of thinking. It effected my mental health but also my self esteem and sense of self. Their negativity got into my head over years of spending time with them.
I took a big step back from those friends and after some time my mental health improved hugely, I started to be myself again and worked on my own self esteem issues to ensure I never found myself in a situation like that again.

Its no surprise that being around negative people will effect you, so why spend time with them? Friends should give you a break from stress, not add more of it to your life.

What are you getting from the friendships?

Could you arrange to meet up with the less negative members of the group without the others?

Rubberchikken

Negative people will bring others down. A person needs to accept this and try to not let it get to them or decide to avoid at all costs.

You want to remain with the group, you've already started to be on the outer edge of the group so you either stay that way or make different friends.

You could try to focus on the more positive members if possible, but if staying is just going to continually bring you down then you need to decide if it's worth staying.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Friends should lift you up, not stress you out. Its totally acceptable for friends to talk about their problems and share their thoughts and feelings or bad experiences but when its constant and theres little else and all they are concerned with is themselves and wallowing in self pity and negativity, you need to really make a choice as to whether these people are good for you.

I relate to this, I was in a group with 2 friends, one was constantly negative, critical and assumed she knew what people were thinking, she judged people on her own assumptions. Every interaction I had with her left me feeling drained and feeling used, I felt like she treated me as her personal therapist. The other friend enabled her behavior and was critical and negative too. Over time I felt myself becoming increasingly negative and got dragged into their way of thinking. It effected my mental health but also my self esteem and sense of self. Their negativity got into my head over years of spending time with them.
I took a big step back from those friends and after some time my mental health improved hugely, I started to be myself again and worked on my own self esteem issues to ensure I never found myself in a situation like that again.

Its no surprise that being around negative people will effect you, so why spend time with them? Friends should give you a break from stress, not add more of it to your life.

What are you getting from the friendships?

Could you arrange to meet up with the less negative members of the group without the others?

Thank you! This is literally my situation, its good to hear of someone else in a similar situation no matter how unfortunate it is.

I have started talking to people that are more mature and positive but i find myself missing and the comfort of these friendships and the fun we had years ago.

How did you manage to move away, and have you stayed in eachother lives?

I'm also a bit afraid of the fallout if i do speak up.

Airyfairy12

Anotherlife wrote: »

Thank you! This is literally my situation, its good to hear of someone else in a similar situation no matter how unfortunate it is.

I have started talking to people that are more mature and positive but i find myself missing and the comfort of these friendships and the fun we had years ago.

How did you manage to move away, and have you stayed in eachother lives?

I'm also a bit afraid of the fallout if i do speak up.

I think its a common problem. Its ok to miss what you used to have with these friends but it sounds like your relationship with them has ran its course and the friendships have become toxic.

When I was in a similar situation I tried a few different things such as listening to my friend and her problems for the first half an hour or so before attempting to change the conversation to something more positive. I might say something like the weather is lovely today or tell her about something funny or positive that happened to me or id seen on television. Could this be something you could try with your friends when they become very negative?

For me personally this approach didnt work, the more I tried to lighten our interactions and make our conversations more positive, the more negative and hateful she became towards me. I lessened my time spent with her for this reason among others.
Finally I started something new that I had wanted to do for along time, it was a big positive step and change for me personally & my career. Instead of being happy for me she was bitter & jealous, I also lost a close family member that same year and instead of being supportive she sent me a couple of insensitive messages and one in particular the morning of the funeral.
I digress but my point is that I soon realised she didnt care about me at all so I stopped all contact with her.

As for the other friend, we keep in touch occasionally, I always know when I meet him if he's spending allot of time with her as he speaks very negatively about things and criticizes people etc like she does. I havnt cut him out but keep interactions short & spread out.
In that time Ive reconnected with an old friend and over all have a much better quality of life. Removing toxic friendships played the biggest part in improving my over all environment and day to day life.

If I was in your shoes, I wouldnt make a big deal out of it by expressing your feelings, you cant change your friends and by the sounds of it they enjoy complaining and being negative. They might even resent you if they see you moving on and god for bid actually being happy & positive. Negative people like this love dragging people down with them.

I would reduce the amount of time you spend with them. Dont be available every time they meet up. When you see them, tell them in advance you have to leave at a certain time, when conversations are negative and dragging on, change the conversation.

Similar to you I held onto the friendship because we had once been very close but also I was trying so hard to be the good friend and support her through her negativity, I put my own needs and wants on the back burner to accommodate her needs instead.
Id wonder is it similar with you? Are you putting your friends needs ahead of your own? Even if it means hurting yourself? Thats not friendship.

LegacyUser

Id wonder is it similar with you? Are you putting your friends needs ahead of your own? Even if it means hurting yourself? Thats not friendship.

Yes, to this 100% I put my life on hold, and I hold myself responsible for this and at the time thought I was doing the right thing, hindsight is a great skill.

I became so lost and no sense of self and life just became stagnant, lockdown helped to overcome this and to actually put myself first for once.

I remember asking these people for help, and being made feel small.

Thank you for your advice, it's helped a lot! It really gave me food for thought.