Beloved Friend - knowing when and how to say goodbye

Antares35

Our cat is very sick at the moment. It doesn't look good for him and I know there's not much we can do so I don't even know why I'm writing this.

He came to us 14, nearly 15 years ago. He was a stray. He had obviously been cared for at some stage - he was neutered, in good condition, well fed and wasn't afraid of anyone. I believed he was likely an elderly persons cat, and was thrown out when that owner either passed away or perhaps went into care. We checked everywhere for lost and found ads, put up posters etc. Nobody claimed him, and I'm happy that he got to be ours.

He was at least two years old, definitely an established adult cat, which would put him at 17 now. A long life I know, but it doesn't make it easier. He had many adventures too shall we say. He was attacked by a mink and nearly lost his leg. A few years later, the same leg was shattered when he climbed into a car engine and got caught in the fan belt. They gave us the option of amputation, but for the sake of a few bob extra, we opted for orthopaedic surgery with plates, rods etc. I wouldn't have been able to look at him with a clear conscience if we'd amputated! He's also had skin cancer and had the outer part of his ear removed. Despite all of this, he's the happiest and most chilled cat there ever was.

We had a baby last year, and he's her best pal. He loves being close to her and will nap beside her sometimes on her playmat. He never takes his claws out - I don't think he ever has. He's a sweet, gentle old soul.

A few weeks ago we brought him to the vet for a respiratory infection - eyes and nose had discharge, he had a cough etc. I figured it was flu and he'd kick it..well he did but the vet felt a lump in his kidney and it turned out on MRI to be lymphoma which has also spread to his intestine. They said he wasn't a candidate for chemo, that it wouldn't be fair to him, and prescribed steroids to slow the progression. After being on a drip for two days and multiple steroid, antibiotics shots etc, he seemed in great form and was eating well and back to his old self. I was optimistic that we'd have maybe six months, but last week he just went downhill and the vet saw him on Friday. He had more shots and we were told see how he goes the weekend and we'd probably need to make a call Monday.

He's really not improved. He's so lethargic, eating tiny bits of food here and there but largely uninterested. He will go out to pee, will still wash himself and drink water from his bowl. But he seems miserable.

I'm just so sad for him and selfishly, for me aswell. I feel like since we had the baby that he's taken a back seat.. and I hate myself for that. I mean, of course he's had his primary needs taken care of and all of that, but I feel like there is so much more to pet ownership and I have failed him. I didn't cherish him the way I should have over the last year.. perhaps I should have taken him to the vet sooner. I am torturing myself wondering if he was in pain. Cats hide it so well. How can you have cancer and not be in pain?

No amount of time is ever enough with our pets. I'd give anything for more time with him, but I won't prolong his suffering either. But how do we make that decision I didn't expect to be so blindsided by such grief. I know that it's not about us, and it has to be about them..I also read a quote online today when I was reading about processing grief etc and on the topic of euthanasia and whether to delay it, someone said, "ask yourself the question if he's living longer, or just dying more slowly".

amytomjerry

Oh I really feel for you..its sadly the most difficult part of owning a beloved pet. And you are already in the throngs of grieving, beating yourself up with guilty thoughts.. these thoughts are all perfectly natural and part of grieving. Your cat is a long standing member of the family and when this moment arrives of possibly having to say goodbye, there is nothing to prepare you for the loss.
I too was in agony dealing with the oncoming departure of my dog 3 weeks ago..it was like a neverending train of decision making, crying, continuous 'if only etc.
Even though I too knew the day was fast approaching, I wasn't prepared and I grieved like my dog was a human..I truly had lost my best friend who never left my side. She had lung cancer, was on steroids which didn't help at all and to be honest, how I reached the decision to euthanise? Well I promised her that I would not let her suffer and it got to the point that I cdnt watch her laboured breathing any longer, the coughing, the lethargy..I wanted to do the right thing for her..to let her go peacefully..
Your beloved cat has had the best life with you..i think you will know when its time to do the decent thing. .when I made the decision, I made sure to spend much time saying goodbye and thanks.
Dont be concerned or ashamed of your feelings of loss..I cried and fried and kept mulling it over, kept feeling guilty, kept re-living it..but this too will pass..it will get easier...I was shattered and numb after my dogs passing for over a week..and even now while I write this I cry..I miss her terribly. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself.

Antares35

amytomjerry wrote: »

Oh I really feel for you..its sadly the most difficult part of owning a beloved pet. And you are already in the throngs of grieving, beating yourself up with guilty thoughts.. these thoughts are all perfectly natural and part of grieving. Your cat is a long standing member of the family and when this moment arrives of possibly having to say goodbye, there is nothing to prepare you for the loss.
I too was in agony dealing with the oncoming departure of my dog 3 weeks ago..it was like a neverending train of decision making, crying, continuous 'if only etc.
Even though I too knew the day was fast approaching, I wasn't prepared and I grieved like my dog was a human..I truly had lost my best friend who never left my side. She had lung cancer, was on steroids which didn't help at all and to be honest, how I reached the decision to euthanise? Well I promised her that I would not let her suffer and it got to the point that I cdnt watch her laboured breathing any longer, the coughing, the lethargy..I wanted to do the right thing for her..to let her go peacefully..
Your beloved cat has had the best life with you..i think you will know when its time to do the decent thing. .when I made the decision, I made sure to spend much time saying goodbye and thanks.
Dont be concerned or ashamed of your feelings of loss..I cried and fried and kept mulling it over, kept feeling guilty, kept re-living it..but this too will pass..it will get easier...I was shattered and numb after my dogs passing for over a week..and even now while I write this I cry..I miss her terribly. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. Three weeks is not long and it must still be so raw. I lost my dog ten years ago and I still think about her and especially on her anniversary etc. I will admit I grieved harder for her than many people I've lost. I know that a lot of people don't get that, but those who share a bond with their pets understand. My now dog is 11 and I can't even let my mind go there.

I've just checked on him (the cat) before bed. He's comfortable in his little bed and the underfloor heating is on for him. He had some food, but he just eats a bit and then loses interest. He managed a snack cream too (10g of the most disgusting looking and smelling salmon mousse stuff that for some reason they seem to love). It's that rollercoaster of "oh he's eating maybe he's coming around" to just looking at the dullness in his eyes and feeling that sense of dread.

You were so brave to make that decision..it's so hard. With my last dog we had the vet on the way to the house to let her go and I changed my mind and cancelled. She survived six weeks after then went herself, but they weren't quality six weeks and to this day I still feel bad. I have such respect for anyone brave enough to make that call when it's needed.

Meathcat

I think sometimes we put off the inevitable for our pets because we're afraid of the grief. And it doesn't help either that there are people out there who would say it's 'only' a pet, you're allowed to feel terribly sad when you lose them. I think you know yourself what decision you have to make, I feel so sorry for you that you have to do this but I do think it's not fair to prolong his agony.

You say you felt you were failing him when your baby came along but you weren't. Cats are very independent creatures - I have two ex-feral cats myself, one is super independent and the other would love to be a house cat! - no matter now much you give them, they still want to do their own thing so don't ever think that because you put your child first that you somehow failed him. I do think you would be failing him though if you let this go on for a long time. If he is eating a little bit, use that time to prepare yourselves.

Antares35

Meathcat wrote: »

I think sometimes we put off the inevitable for our pets because we're afraid of the grief. And it doesn't help either that there are people out there who would say it's 'only' a pet, you're allowed to feel terribly sad when you lose them. I think you know yourself what decision you have to make, I feel so sorry for you that you have to do this but I do think it's not fair to prolong his agony.

You say you felt you were failing him when your baby came along but you weren't. Cats are very independent creatures - I have two ex-feral cats myself, one is super independent and the other would love to be a house cat! - no matter now much you give them, they still want to do their own thing so don't ever think that because you put your child first that you somehow failed him. I do think you would be failing him though if you let this go on for a long time. If he is eating a little bit, use that time to prepare yourselves.

Thank you for your kind words. I brought him in to our vet this morning early. He said that he will put him on fluids and see how he is this evening. I want to give him this chance, I think he deserves it but if there is no improvement with fluids then I think we need to make that call unfortunately. I know that I could get a call saying he hasn't made it, and initially I was afraid of the guilt that would cause - that he didn't pass peacefully at home, but when you keep them at home there is no guarantee of peace and I think as pet owners, we will always find a way to volunteer for guilt! So at least this way I know we are giving him a chance, but ultimately I have faith in my vet that he will tell us what's the best path. I feel so sad for him. I know he's had a long (and colourful!) life, but it is never long enough.

Antares35

He's gone now, we had to make the call in the end..I couldn't let him suffer after so many years of loyal friendship. My heart is broken. X

Immaculata

Antares35 wrote: »

He's gone now, we had to make the call in the end..I couldn't let him suffer after so many years of loyal friendship. My heart is broken. X

I'm so sorry for your loss. You loved him a lot, clearly. He was lucky to have someone like you. May he rest in peace.

amytomjerry

Antares35 wrote: »

He's gone now, we had to make the call in the end..I couldn't let him suffer after so many years of loyal friendship. My heart is broken. X

Awww...so sorry to read this about your beautiful cat..you did the right thing not that that's any comfort at the moment.

Mollyb60

I'm so sorry Antares. My heart is broken for you. Such a difficult decision but you made the right choice. Be kind to yourself while you grieve.

Meathcat

Antares35 wrote: »

He's gone now, we had to make the call in the end..I couldn't let him suffer after so many years of loyal friendship. My heart is broken. X

Ah I'm so sorry to hear that. You know you made the right call, he's out of pain.
Now let yourselves grieve for him xx

Antares35

I am waiting for a friend (my ex) to visit, and together we will say our goodbyes and bury him. We lived together for six years and so we have a shared bond with him I suppose.

I've been ok ish today even managing to get some work done, but somehow the thought of saying goodbye for the last time is killing me. It was hard last night at the vets losing him, but I don't know why the physical goodbye is so much harder today. His spirit and uniqueness is gone since last night, it's just the physical body left yet this is turning out to be the hardest part which has blindsided me. I know it's so macabre to just keep a dead cat in your room god, but I feel like burying him is so final.

I did a buymie delivery today just to order cooked chicken and turkey for my remaining (five!) cats, and then I just fell apart feeling guilty that I didn't do that much for him, and how he would have loved to be here to enjoy the picnic. What's wrong with me

amytomjerry

Antares35 wrote: »

I am waiting for a friend (my ex) to visit, and together we will say our goodbyes and bury him. We lived together for six years and so we have a shared bond with him I suppose.

I've been ok ish today even managing to get some work done, but somehow the thought of saying goodbye for the last time is killing me. It was hard last night at the vets losing him, but I don't know why the physical goodbye is so much harder today. His spirit and uniqueness is gone since last night, it's just the physical body left yet this is turning out to be the hardest part which has blindsided me. I know it's so macabre to just keep a dead cat in your room god, but I feel like burying him is so final.

I did a buymie delivery today just to order cooked chicken and turkey for my remaining (five!) cats, and then I just fell apart feeling guilty that I didn't do that much for him, and how he would have loved to be here to enjoy the picnic. What's wrong with me

There's nothing wrong with you..you have just lost a long time member of your life, a cat you loved with all your heart and he loved you unconditionally...when you think of all that little cat has lived through with you..years of changes, sadness, good times..
It does feel final when it comes to burying them..I actually visit my dogs resting place in the garden every day..its a whole process of working through the grief..it will get easier if even a little.

Jimmy Bottlehead

OP, I don't have much new to add that hasn't been said. But your love for your cat absolutely shines through in your posts.

I put my bearded dragon to sleep a week ago, and even though reptiles aren't the same as a cat or dog with affection or anything, it's still a huge loss and affected me greatly.

What I noticed is that, because they're around so long, it's losing a part of our life. He's been with you 15 years, and you were likely a different person back then physically, mentally, emotionally, in life. And he's been there through all your changes, always there, always loving you.

You honoured him and loved him with the decision to end his suffering early. I read something before that making that decision means we take on their pain ourselves, it's the price we pay for being a pet owner and almost what we owe them in return for all they give us.

You did your boy proud. At his weakest, you were strong for him and you eased his passage. He'll always be with you, as will his love for you and yours for him. You probably feel like such a lucky owner to have had him in your life, but I can tell you that he was also lucky to have had an owner like you.

Antares35

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

OP, I don't have much new to add that hasn't been said. But your love for your cat absolutely shines through in your posts.

I put my bearded dragon to sleep a week ago, and even though reptiles aren't the same as a cat or dog with affection or anything, it's still a huge loss and affected me greatly.

What I noticed is that, because they're around so long, it's losing a part of our life. He's been with you 15 years, and you were likely a different person back then physically, mentally, emotionally, in life. And he's been there through all your changes, always there, always loving you.

You honoured him and loved him with the decision to end his suffering early. I read something before that making that decision means we take on their pain ourselves, it's the price we pay for being a pet owner and almost what we owe them in return for all they give us.

You did your boy proud. At his weakest, you were strong for him and you eased his passage. He'll always be with you, as will his love for you and yours for him. You probably feel like such a lucky owner to have had him in your life, but I can tell you that he was also lucky to have had an owner like you.

I'm sorry for your loss too. I don't think it's necessarily "not as bad" as a cat or dog, our companions are who we choose them to be and it always hurts when they go. I wouldn't consider your loss any less than mine, because to me that would be like a non cat or non dog person saying to me that my grief is not real or valid (and unfortunately there are so many of those people) I just feel like I can't remember any of the good times, I'm just torturing myself with thoughts about what I didn't do, it what I could have done better. The real killer is thinking about the night (the one night in fifteen years) he slept outside. I'd gone out at around 9pm to look for him because he liked a mooch around before bed, but there was no sign of him. I made a note to check again in an hour. At the time I was a new mum with a three week old who was feeding every two hours and I was so exhausted. I fell asleep and forgot to check for him again. He disappeared that night, and was gone for three weeks. I'll never forget walking the streets for days putting up posters etc and eventually found him and brought him home. I keep thinking he left because he felt abandoned, there was a new baby and then he was outside overnight and he must have thought I just forgot about him. It's torture. I can't give myself a break.

Mollyb60

I think that double checking and punishing yourself is a normal part of grief Antares. I did the same when we let our cat go. I questioned every decision I made in the run up, berated myself for all the things I could've or should've done for her and how it might've saved her. It tore me up. It will just take time to get past this and to remember the good times. But I promise it will happen. Just go easy on yourself. Accept that this too, shall pass and you'll remember the wonderful years you spent together rather than the painful end.

Antares35

Mollyb60 wrote: »

I think that double checking and punishing yourself is a normal part of grief Antares. I did the same when we let our cat go. I questioned every decision I made in the run up, berated myself for all the things I could've or should've done for her and how it might've saved her. It tore me up. It will just take time to get past this and to remember the good times. But I promise it will happen. Just go easy on yourself. Accept that this too, shall pass and you'll remember the wonderful years you spent together rather than the painful end.

Thank you MollyB. It's good to know I'm not going mad! It's such a beautiful day, the kind he loved to be outside for. He'd always manage to find the spot that was half in and half out of the sun. I wish their lives were longer, so that we wouldn't always have to say goodbye

Ah, I am so sorry. Losing any pet is always devestating, I lost my (very old) dog in November and I'm not ashamed to say I still have a little cry most days, I miss her so badly. Her absence has created a huge void in my house. I had a cat for 18 years that died a few years ago, and she is still missed too.

Its probably the biggest downside of having any pet, the fact that their lifespans are so much shorter then our own, and its usually us humans who have to say goodbye to them.

Be kind to yourself, and know that you gave your cat a good long life, and their suffering is over.

AndrewJRenko

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm not sure if vets will do home visits at present with Covid, but I was going to suggest that this can be the best option for those dreadful times, to avoid stressing the pet, and also to avoid the owners being a blubbering mess in the surgery.

Antares35

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ah, I am so sorry. Losing any pet is always devestating, I lost my (very old) dog in November and I'm not ashamed to say I still have a little cry most days, I miss her so badly. Her absence has created a huge void in my house. I had a cat for 18 years that died a few years ago, and she is still missed too.

Its probably the biggest downside of having any pet, the fact that their lifespans are so much shorter then our own, and its usually us humans who have to say goodbye to them.

Be kind to yourself, and know that you gave your cat a good long life, and their suffering is over.

Sorry to hear that. It's such a huge trade off isn't it? And we have five more cats and a dog who is the light of my life and now all I can think is we have to go through this so many times! I know that isn't the way to look at it, we need to focus on the now, but I'm just in that frame of mind at the moment. I think my grief is compounded because for the last while one of my other cats has been ill and all the time I was back and forth to UCD with her over the last few months, I neglected to notice that my boy was sick. Well, truth be told I did notice he'd lost weight, and I had made a note to take him for a checkup, but didn't and now I'm torturing myself thinking I could have bought him more time and I was taking the wrong cat to the vet!

Antares35

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm not sure if vets will do home visits at present with Covid, but I was going to suggest that this can be the best option for those dreadful times, to avoid stressing the pet, and also to avoid the owners being a blubbering mess in the surgery.

Thanks Andrew. Unfortunately with covid they don't and this did cross my mind as we've always gone down that route ourselves. We prefer to allow them the dignity of dying at home. The other factor was he'd been in the vets all day on fluids and I got the call to come and and be there for the euthanasia. At that stage he was already so far gone, he wasn't really aware of his surroundings. I think that taking out all his paraphernalia (catheter etc) and putting him back in the carrier and driving home with him and then having him euthanased would have probably not been a kind move. But I agree in normal circumstances this has always been my favourite (or should I say "least hated?) option.

My neighbour, who is a good friend and animal angel came with me, and she said as soon as I picked him up in my arms he relaxed and seemed to nod off. By the time he'd had the sedative, he wasn't even really aware what was going on. It's my only consolation.