If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on [email protected] for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact [email protected]

Feeling like a third wheel with my two housemates

  • 20-03-2021 12:51pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    My two housemates (lets call them Annie and Jo) get on like a house on fire and I often feel very left out.

    I get on really well with one of them (Annie), but with the other (Jo) it's extremely awkward between us, and I have no idea why. We both sense it I think and sort of try to avoid each other now after many failed awkward attempts at being friends. (It's odd because I am quite chatty and get on with most people. I don't think it's either of our faults though to be honest, we just don't click.)

    But Annie and Jo get on really well and do a lot together. I know they don't mean to leave me out and I do see them make attempts to involve me but I am currently doing a post grad and working so don't have as much time to join in, and I've been feeling quite low so have been feeling withdrawn on top of it.

    Them getting takeaways, going out for walks without me, and loudly laughing and joking downstairs at 4am, (and subsequently waking me) is making me feel really annoyed and hurt.

    I know they're doing nothing wrong. I know they're entitled to be friends, and I know I'm less able to join in due to having less time so that's my fault. But there is something so painful for me in being left out. I've experienced it a few times in my life and its unbearable. The feeling of sadness starts to consume me.

    So I'm looking for some ways to tackle my insecurities around this, because I'd like to reiterate I know this isn't their fault. I'm just very low at the moment and not sleeping
    which isn't helping.

    Sorry if this post was all over the place. Some words of advice would be great.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,002 ✭✭✭Tork

    You sound like you're lonely and too dependent on your housemates for a social circle. I get that - you're stuck at home during this never-ending pandemic and don't have opportunities to socialise. Unfortunately, house-shares aren't a guaranteed way to make friends or have a social life. I did the house-share thing back in the day and it really varied from house to house. I'm lucky to have made some good, long-term friends from those days and had some great nights in and out of the house. But I also have a longer list of housemates who I never clicked with, ones who were hardly in the house, ones who were too loved up to pay much attention to the rest of us, ones who mostly stayed in their room, the ones I never saw again etc. The only thing we had in common was renting rooms under the same roof.

    What you're looking for here isn't going to happen. You want to be included in a close friendship that doesn't have room for a third person. Even if you were getting on better with Jo, you'd find yourself in broadly similar circumstances. This pair is as thick as thieves and you're somebody who's not always available. You're on their periphery and it isn't anything personal, even though you're taking it that way. Even if you moved out, the person who takes your room would find themselves in the same boat. The only thing is, they might not stand for being woken at 4 am. I would say something to them about that actually. It's selfish behaviour and either they don't care or they haven't realised how loud they are. Also, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you be all that proactive in trying to include somebody you don't click with? It's good that Jo isn't hostile to you but you're an irrelevance.

    My advice to you is two-fold. If you can, catch up with any family or friends you haven't been in touch with lately. Maybe arrange to go for a walk with a friend or ring them up for a chat. The Covid restrictions are especially tough on single people living on their own and that's effectively what you are. It is making your world smaller and lonelier. Secondly, does your college offer a counselling service? I think you would benefit from a chat with a counsellor. You're talking here about being consumed with sadness and that this isn't your first time to feel hurt and left out. I'm sure you're also stressed from your studies. As well as unburdening your sadness, you might gain some insights. You might find yourself seeing things differently and feeling better.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,830 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken

    It does seem like it's brought up old painful memories. I.agree we don't click with everyone and they don't seem to be leaving you out deliberately but it still hurts.

    You need your sleep and it sounds very busy doing grad and working so they should show some consideration and cut out the 4am chats.

    Are you getting exercise/fresh air/ a chance toert up with family/friends?