Daughter's room a mess

LegacyUser

My 1 year old daughter stays with her father 2 nights at the weekend. I don’t usually go into his place but last Sunday when I collected her I saw for the first time the room she sleeps in and the smell in the room was awful. There was 5 used nappies on the floor right at the side her cot. I was disgusted but didn’t say anything to him because I didn't want to get into an argument about it in front of the baby.

I sent him a text about it when I got home and he said he’ll clean up and won’t do it again. He’s a good father and I’m hoping this was just a once off but now I’m worried about her going back there next weekend. Is it an overreaction to ask can I see the room before I leave the baby with him?

Princess Calla

At this age you are the child's voice.

They can't tell you if there's something wrong.

What I would do when dropping her off is bring her bags straight into the bedroom and have a look.

Definitely don't make a big deal about it, just do it discretely.

If you are not comfortable with the room you will then need to have a discussion with the dad.

What's the rest of the house like....kitchen and bathroom particularly?

LegacyUser

I wouldn't do anything discretely, be up front but just be aware of how you word things. You were right not to speak to him at the time as it could have been blown up and misunderstood. Ask them how they are managing looking after the baby, say you know its a lot of work and do they need any advice or help. You are going to be co-parenting your child for at least another 17 years if not their whole life so nows a great chance to work on communication and setting up a trust you can build on going forward so everyone is comfortable with the arrangement

Xterminator

You don't have a right to demand to inspect his house. So any inspection would have to be done by agreement.

now the easiest way to deal with this turn up as normal, to 'drop off the baby', and as the last poster said, ask how his is coping, and does he need any advice or help. As part of that conversation, suggest you have a look at the room, for suitability.

I doubt there will be any problem if you frame the conversation as 'in babies best interest' and not in an adversarial way. In fact this could turn out to be a template on how any issues in the future might be handled. Face to face, and no emotive language used.

I assume a good dad will have kept his word and tidied up. But if he is struggling, you would probably be the best person to advise him, on how you cope, strategies, organisation and time management etc. God knows a bin with a lid in the room where he changes the nappy is not expensive.

Zebrag

Hi OP

The little ones interest is of upmost importance and if YOU feel her needs are not being met, that includes hygiene in and around your child, you have every right to question this. I would be like you and I would want to know exactly why her father can't keep up with making sure the room, house is of standards. I don't mean spick and span and gleaming but a quick wipe around and emptying the bins only takes 2 minutes, even when the little one is asleep or napping.

What is the house like itself? Do you feel it isn't up to its standard in knowing your daughter is healthy and safe in her fathers house?

There's no excuse for 1 nappy being left at the side but 5... That's the height of laziness to be fair. She's still young enough that you can leave her in a walker (if she's still learning to walk) or even 2 minutes lying down with her toys in the cot or pram to quickly pick up nappies, Wipes etc. There's no excuse for it.

That being said, if this seems like a once off thing and you don't feel that her father is as lazy as it looks then I would make a quick jokey suggestion and let him know that you're aware that a 1 year old can take your time and attention away from important things but there's moments in the day that he can actually keep her room clean. Left over nappies, especially for a long while obviously smells disgusting so that alone would make me want to throw it out straight away. I've no idea how it hasn't occurred to him that had the little one gotten her hands on a dirty nappy, the outcome isn't exactly particularly nice

helimachoptor

Having 3 kids, i wouldnt leave a nappy lying around at all.
Its just lazy tbh.

Rubberchikken

Some people aren't as organized as others.
Yes it's not great that there are used nappies on the floor but as a dad otherwise, how is he?

If this is the only issue then give him a chance to correct this. He has said he'd sort it out so see how that goes.

It has to be hard to leave your baby for a weekend even with their dad. That's only natural but if she's safe and well with him then building a relationship with dad is a big positive:)

osarusan

Seeing the room when you drop the baby off isn't as good as seeing the room when you're picking the baby up.

Even pick up a cheap bin and binbags in somewhere like Dealz before hand and leave them there, tell him it'll help him out.

zoobizoo

You could pick him up one of those nappy bins.....

Very handy and they keep the smell in.

I always wondered how my neighbours could leave used nappies just outside their front door.... then i had kids.

I often change the baby l, drop the nappy out front and forget about it until I leave the house.

JustAThought

Maybe his bin is a ways away from the baby and he didn’t want to leave her until s/he’d settled and then forgot - or just didn’t want to put it in the kitchen bin (unhygenic) so left it thinkingbhe’d do it later and then faced carrying the baby down to the bins in an appartment basement or outside in the cold/rain to garden bin. Lots of semi plausible reasons for someone under a bit of pressure.

I’d +1 for helping him by bringing him a nappy bin and those awful scented nappy bags - tell him the best practice /most favoured procedure & ask him if he could do his beat to follow it - airbourne risk /bit of a pong etc

Better than ignoring it or not helping or putting barriers to better practices in his way.

I wouldn’t like anyone to drop by ATM & need to use my bathroom (thank God for L5
occasionally!) - its a current bad situation caused by a cascade of unlucky factors - dosn’t
mean I’m normally that way or can’t see
that its wrong!!! I

Oranage2

Should have taken a picture but at least you've the messages admitting his guilt. Can't really do anything anything further, document any futher incidents like nappy rash etc.

Talk to your solicitor and if a judge thinks it's right he/she may remove overnight visitations.

The Mighty Quinn

Oranage2......... that's poor advice.

OP, disregard this.

You've a long many years ahead co-parenting your daughter. Try the face to face approach with your ex, like other posters have said use simple unemotive language, keep it light, make your point. He may just be floundering a little, could have been overwhelmed with bits and didn't get to it, it doesn't mean he's a bad parent.

I know my wife was a hundred times faster doing things with baby than me. On my own I was flutherin about taking ages to do everything. I'm sure there were nappies left around the place. Usually i'd do a whip around then when baby was asleep and clean up.

In my view, it's better to try talk face to face than say nothing in person and then text later.

Xterminator

Oranage2's entire post

that is the sigle worst piece of advice i could imagine. the parents are partners in raising the child. they will be partners for the best 21 years at least, and probably for their entire lives, as they share this bond.

your advice does not take the child's best interest into account, nor the Op's, nor the fathers. you don't pour petrol onto fire, you put the fire out.
Trying to restrict the fathers access to his daughter would be a very last resort when all other option s have been tried - but you just go straight there!

Oh and you may have missed the bit of the OPs post where she described the father as "He’s a good father" and the but where she said its the 1st time anything like this has happened.

your language "admitting his guilt" & "remove overnight visitations" is adversarial, and indicates your own mindset here is far from balanced.

zoobizoo

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

Oranage2......... that's poor advice.

OP, disregard this.

You've a long many years ahead co-parenting your daughter. Try the face to face approach with your ex, like other posters have said use simple unemotive language, keep it light, make your point. He may just be floundering a little, could have been overwhelmed with bits and didn't get to it, it doesn't mean he's a bad parent.

I know my wife was a hundred times faster doing things with baby than me. On my own I was flutherin about taking ages to do everything. I'm sure there were nappies left around the place. Usually i'd do a whip around then when baby was asleep and clean up.

In my view, it's better to try talk face to face than say nothing in person and then text later.

I would second this advice.

Katgurl

The nappy bin is a good suggestion.

How is your relationship generally? From what you've posted it sounds pretty ok. I would tackle this in a "how are you getting on? Babies can be exhausting can't they?" manner.

Antares35

Oranage2 wrote: »

Should have taken a picture but at least you've the messages admitting his guilt. Can't really do anything anything further, document any futher incidents like nappy rash etc.

Talk to your solicitor and if a judge thinks it's right he/she may remove overnight visitations.

Is this post for real? Why would OP want to immediately jump on the legal contention route if it can be cleared up with communication? It sounds like they at least have a reasonable communication going on given that OP had the sense not to bring it up in front of the baby, but calmly later on, and the dad didn't react badly but apologised and said he'd do better. I don't think it's good advice to be encouraging OP to "go legal" over five nappies.

Antares35

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

Oranage2......... that's poor advice.

OP, disregard this.

You've a long many years ahead co-parenting your daughter. Try the face to face approach with your ex, like other posters have said use simple unemotive language, keep it light, make your point. He may just be floundering a little, could have been overwhelmed with bits and didn't get to it, it doesn't mean he's a bad parent.

I know my wife was a hundred times faster doing things with baby than me. On my own I was flutherin about taking ages to do everything. I'm sure there were nappies left around the place. Usually i'd do a whip around then when baby was asleep and clean up.

In my view, it's better to try talk face to face than say nothing in person and then text later.

Agree with this. My OH will often leave a nappy or two and forget to dump them, I'll find them an hour or two later. But, the way I see it he's using his lunch break to do the afternoon feed and get her down for a nap and make sure she has those needs met (and I can work) so I pick my battles. I'd rather the important things are looked at first rather than pressuring him to multi-task or remember everything which might stress him out and lead to mistakes.

If it was something that endangered her like leaving the cot near a choking or strangulation hazard etc it would be different, but a stray couple of nappies won't endanger her.

Oranage2

Sorry guys I meant if there were other cases like nappy rash then go to a solicitor, not straight away. I meant document everything straight. And if the father isn't capable of looking after a baby then it's dangerous, swift action should be taken if there are more cases of neglect

Princess Calla

Oranage2 wrote: »

Sorry guys I meant if there were other cases like nappy rash then go to a solicitor, not straight away. I meant document everything straight. And if the father isn't capable of looking after a baby then it's dangerous, swift action should be taken if there are more cases of neglect

Since when is nappy rash a sign of neglect?

Considering there's copious amounts of products on the market that should give an indication that nappy rash is a fairly common ailment for babies.

OP unless there's some court agreement the dad doesn't have to let you into the house. The baby exchange can be done at the hall door or even a carpark. So if you go in "guns blazing" or even fairly obviously snooping around you might find yourself never invited in again.