Jealous of my relationship with my son and other issues

Skodafan

So my other half and I are going through a rough patch (again) We are together just over 2 years and I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship.

Before Christmas I walked from the relationship, Moved out and she got a new house mate, I felt overwhelmed by constant need of validation of our relationship that she needed, Wanted me to show her how important she was to be etc, She went through my phone as I slept, was very jealous of me talking to a female and just generally seemed to questioned everything I done She said we needed couples counselling however as we were still a new couple I didn't see the need of this as it was obvious that we aren't suited as a couple and it was early days we discovered this.

However after about 4 weeks I felt that I missed her terribly and all of our issues were things we could work on, We spoke about things and agreed we would take things slow and I decided that if it saved us I would agree to couples counselling.

I work full time in Retail, she is currently working from home and make a good effort to text her, let her know if I am having a busy day incase she is waiting for me to text her. I try as hard as I can to be there for her and I call to see her several evenings a week.

However as most counselling services are quite busy we are finding it hard to arrange counselling and things are just getting worse than they ever were, There is now fights being picked over silly things, But notably she told me that she is very jealous of the relationship that I have with my son, and how I get to spend time with him over the weekends.

Bare in mind that we usually call to visit her on Friday evening, Hang out some Saturdays with her and go hiking with her on some Sunday mornings.

Everything is being sold back to me in an argument that I am "Impossible" "I wont listen to her" I am the first to admit fault as I'm very self aware. All of our issues seem to be stemming from her wanting to feel more important to me than my son does, Which will not happen, however I feel that I balance my time with them equally, in fact sharing my weekends with both of them at the same time. I feel than anytime I have an opinion on something that differs from her that it flips on its head and I'm the worst in the world.


For instance I called last week and made dinner for us, But she didn't like how I walked around the house like I still lived there, Going through presses looking for ingredients etc. And last night she told me she is sick of having to ask me am I going to spend the night and I just need to tell her that I am staying, This turned into an issue as I said I was getting mixed singles last week she didn't like me acting like I owned the place and this week she wants me to tell her and literally say "I am staying tonight" I wont to do that as I find it a bit disrespectful of her new house mate and it would make me uncomfortable taking the liberty of telling her I'm staying rather than being invited into her home .


Thanks for reading all this, I suppose I'm not really looking for answers but more so feedback from the outside looking in, I have also started attending counselling as I am failing to understand where some of our issues are raising from.

YellowLead

Hi OP,

First of all this is not an easy situation to be in - and seriously well done for starting counselling for yourself.

Looking at this from the outside - and bearing in mind it’s only one side of the story - I feel that the time and attention that you give your son is not something you can compromise on and therefore it is best to walk away if that is an issue for your partner.

Perhaps some of the other items could be talked through and worked out, but her being jealous of the time you spend with your son is a major red flag in my book. She should be happy that you care for him and want to be in his life!

Ask yourself - did you really miss her when she was gone, or did you just miss being with somebody? Right now it sounds like a very stressful relationship and one you would be better out of.

I have no idea why you are with this woman.
Who needs couples counselling after 2 years? You should still be in the honeymoon period.
She's jealous of the time you spend with your 9 year old child? Lord above!
She goes through your phone while you sleep.
You have to be aware of texting her, to make sure she doesnt get upset.
I can't see any of this improving.
Time to move on imo.

2 fast

She sound insecure, childish and selfish. Imagine an adult expecting to be put before a child...

Think of this as a friend what advice would you give, or of your ex's partner behaved like this..

Run far away and concentrate on yourself and meet someone who is an actual adult!

Boundaries are so important in a relationship and should be respected. Work on what yours are and enforce them to yourself and others.

She sounds like a head melt!

DonnaDarko09

You are not suited.
This woman needs to be in a relationship with someone who has no children. It’s not for everyone.

I think you should walk.

Tork

Are you being honest and open with your counsellor? If I read down through this, I don't get the impression that you're looking in the right places for what's going on. There were so many red flags in your post, I thought I was attending a Chinese Communist Party rally. You sound like somebody who is so terrified of being alone and lonely, you're ignoring each and every warning sign here. The jealousy of your relationship with your son is just the tip of the iceberg here. This woman is demanding, needy, irrational (WTF is all that nonsense about how you're walking around in the kitchen?) and doesn't trust you. This relationship of yours is not very old at all but already you (plural) have proved that you're not a good match. Although we're only hearing your side of the story here, I fail to see how any man could possibly have a non-toxic relationship with this bint. She is mostly the problem here, not you.

Tork

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

You are not suited.
This woman needs to be in a relationship with someone who has no children. It’s not for everyone.

I think you should walk.

This too. It's the least of their problems though.

wonga77

She sounds like a pain in the hole tbh.
Imagine having to justify yourself like this for the rest of your days, fcuk that.
It's easy for me to say but id be walking away fairly sharpish, imagine criticising you for spending time with your son....
Going through your phone, waiting for you to text, too demanding for me anyway, I wouldn't have even lasted 2 weeks

Rubberchikken

YellowLead has said exactly what I was thinking after reading your post.
Your son is obviously your number 1 priority and rightly so.
While your partner is being honest about her jealousy of sharing you with him, her issues and complaints are just too frequent to not be worrying.

She is picking away at you and it's not fair that you are trying to accommodate them.

Maybe it's time to rethink this relationship.

heretothere

Everything you've said sounds exhausting!! The whole checking your phone is totally wrong. I'd read a text on my husbands phone and vice versa when asked to but not without his knowledge and I'd be really annoyed if he went through my phone

Zebrag

Hi OP

Being honest here, when it comes to kid/s and the other half putting their opinion on whether they are jealous or not of your relationship with your OWN child, I draw the line. Your son is your flesh and blood. You shouldn't have to justify or determine how, when, why, or what time you spend with him or how good of a relationship you have with him. In fact, he really shouldn't be coming into the equation of how much of a relationship you have with him considering you're only going out with this person 2 years.

From what you've detailed about her, she sounds jealous and possessive. I'm finding it hard to understand myself what it is she wants. She wants you but not the person you are? She wants you around but she doesn't?

I don't understand why she is saying she wants YOU to tell her when you're staying over and then bemoans the fact that you're making yourself a home and dinner for the both of you. I don't know the girl and she's already confusing me. I'm not liking the idea of a relationship counselling after 2 years! Counselling for yourself is absolutely fine as I believe you probably need someone yourself to vent to, speak to and overal just let out any toughts and feelings you have but as a couple, not after 2 years. You should still be at the early stages of the relationship, if not that then depending on a relationship, probably speaking about whether living together is ideal. By the sounds of it, the two of you have bypassed the whole start of the relationship and jumped right onto the later stages of marriage without even going through that process.

It's her home and she can do as she pleases and have who she wants staying. That's understandable but to say she wants you to tell her when you're staying over? And what if you decide one Friday night after a meal and you've decided you want to stay over and she decides she wants the night to herself? Is it your fault for imposing yourself even though she's the one who suggested you just say when?

Look it's 2 years. It's still a small time frame to get to know someone. Yes you've been together long enough to know the little Ins and outs of a new relationship but it's not long enough to decide counselling is the best way forward to progress the relationship. I think the relationship has run its course to be fair and neither of you want to admit that so beating around the bush and dancing around the issue of "does she want me to stay over or not" is just asking for a disaster to happen. That plus her jealousy over your own child, I've no words for this to be honest. She can be loving and enjoy the fact that you've a brilliant relationship with your son but to outright say she's jealous... There's no cute or nice way for that. Not as an adult or at all for that matter.

You left the first time before Xmas for a valid reason. It's natural to miss someone you've spent a good portion of your time with and it's natural to feel you miss their pressence but I think you miss the idea of a relationship rather than the person. She sounds like she wants someone she wants to click her fingers too and they go running whenever she fancies having them there. That's not a relationship looking for help. To me that's not even a relationship, full stop. It's all very one sided.

Usually I would say to someone to have a chat, talk about what's going on etc but for your mental state and dignity, I think you're in a much better position to walk away and know exactly what you're worthy of. This girl genuinely sounds like someone who will have you hopping, skipping and jumping for god knows how long before you lose the rag and god forbid what reaction she'll have then!

Edit: Just to say I reread the part when you said you work full time in retail and you've to text her to let her know you're busy... Does no reply not give her the indication that in fact you're actually busy? Half the time I wouldn't be arsed texting back until my lunch time or when I'm finished work when I actually have the time to reply to someone (obviously if it's not important) The phone thing always get me. It's a touch and go for relationships. Some don't condone it and others trust each other enough to allow passwords, to me looking through a phone without permission is disrespect and distrust (unless you suspected something but again it can be touchy)

karlitob

Skodafan wrote: »

So my other half and I are going through a rough patch (again) We are together just over 2 years and I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship.

Jaysus, I was fairly stressed / worn out reading that. Get out and stay out lad. She’s not worth it.

leggo

My impression here, based off what you’ve posted, is that your partner is someone with low self-esteem who’s going to sabotage your relationship at every available opportunity. As you say OP, the things she’s finding issues with don’t make sense, she’s asking you to do completely contradictory things so you’re guaranteed to fail one way or another. This is what self-sabotage is like is practise.

I’ll give you a random example: so in a team that I lead in work, I have a rule that people can’t just idly pick holes with things. If they give feedback with a process they must also come with the start of an idea for how it can be fixed and what a happy end result looks like, so the discussion is constructive. Otherwise the issue may be the best bad issue that we all just have to deal with until such a brainwave arises. That’s how you deal with things constructively because the reality is in life you can’t have everything your own way and there is a level of give and take we all have to accept. Your partner doesn’t do this. There’s no happy end result she can describe because if you tell her you’re staying over, you’re guilty of treating the place like your own etc.

The solution that would ‘fix’ this is for your partner to accept that she’s unhappy in general and just projecting that onto you. She may never see or accept this, though, this attitude may be how she learned to view the world so she may have no scope for seeing things differently. You can’t tell someone how they feel or force them to change either, so your only option really is to accept that this relationship will not work while one party is actively sabotaging it at every turn.

Sunny Disposition

I feel very badly for you after reading that OP.
Hard as it may be, you need to finish it, it’s a recipe for misery otherwise. She’s obviously not able for a functional relationship. It can be hard when someone complains at you all the time to see that they are the problem and not yourself, but that’s the truth.

Airyfairy12

Why are you with her and what do you value most in a relationship? Is she aligning with those values?

I know several men who have settled down with women that are incredibly toxic, theyre immature and treat their partners like piggy banks and emotional punching bags. The partners stick around in many cases because of sexual attraction to their partners and in many ways they seem to enjoy the roller-coaster relationships.

Or are you with her because you dont want to be alone?

You cant change her and she will never be the girlfriend or partner you want her to be, all you can do is move on.

Skodafan

Thank you all so much for the replies.

To update the situation, as you know we don't live together.

This weekend gone we had planned to go for a walk Sunday morning which we were all looking forward to, We spent all day Saturday together(My Oh My Son and Myself) and actually had the best day, It was like old times. I work very hard at work and I was visibly tired all day Saturday but still made every effort I could to make sure we had some decent time together.

Saturday evening when I got home my OH text me to say that we had had the best day and she didn't mind if we didn't go for the walk Sunday morning, If I wanted a lie in as she could tell I was tired, Goodnight and to text her back to let her know the story. Up to this I had looked forward to it but I took the opportunity to tell her I would take her up on her suggestion of a Lie in and we would call in about 12pm Sunday to spend some time together before the Lil man went home to his mother, said goodnight too and put the phone down.

About 7am Sunday I woke up and had 4 messages

1. That's no problem, see you tomorrow
2. Hellooooo ?
3. I've text you back straight away the least you can do is reply
4. Don't bother calling tomorrow.

These all received after I had said Goodnight back to her and went to sleep. So at this point I just text her to say, I wasn't gonna call my Lil man doesn't need to be around an atmosphere and she said she was saying it all totally calmly and it was only gonna be an atmosphere if i caused one. I gave here the benefit of the doubt that I may have read too much into it (I now believe I didn't and read the situation correctly)

She agreed and I said I would call to sort it out when I dropped him home.,

After I dropped him I got a big cloud over me and just rang her and said I really cant be dealing with her stuff right now that I was just gonna go home to bed. I have been not in a state of depression since but rather an unhappy state, I've been to my councilor who told me that this is a fruitless relationship for and I need to decide what my future with her is.

And to be perfectly honest I think it has run its course, I'm now of the opinion that she only wanted this to work as she docent want to be alone and I feel that I went along with it as I felt that it was me she wanted, However I feel its just she wants Someone not necessarily me.

Also to answer some of your questions, I'm not afraid of being alone, vie dealt with some very tough stuff on my own and I'm very comfortable in my own company, at the same time I think in this situation that I very much was blinded by the lights and the " Love Bomb" when we first got together

wonga77

Time to cut the cord completely but I think you already know that. One child is enough to be looking after. Best of luck

Tork

OP, when a therapist is telling you that your relationship is fruitless, the game is up. Even accepting that we've only heard your side of the story, this woman sounds like a pure melt. Even if you didn't have a child (which brings its own challenges when it comes to dating), you'd never have a functioning relationship with this woman. If you could, it would've happened by now. Goodness knows, you tried for long enough. She's difficult, unreasonable, dishonest and is making you miserable. Worse still, you're the one wondering how you can solve the problem, instead of accepting that she is largely the issue here. She is telling you what she is but you just can't see it. Yet. If you find the backbone to end this and stay away from her, you will look back in time and say "Jesus, what was I thinking?" and wonder why you put up with this for so long. Guaranteed.

Sunny Disposition

Glad that you are seeing it OP. Would advise you to fully end it as soon as you can.

Purple Mountain

I just want to add that you sound like a great single dad, well done. It's not easy so credit to you.
You and your boy deserve more respect that you're getting from this girl. It all sounds very childish and dramatic on her part.
Imagine getting married to her and having children?
Could you cope with her dramas and hissy fits forever?

Skodafan

Just another date,

So after a week of being tormented, I have just ended it.

I feel absolutely terrible, but I think it's best for me to do so.

Flippyfloppy

Ending a relationship is hard, but you are definitely doing right by your son and yourself by doing so.

It struck me that after you got back together she confessed that she is jealous of your relationship with your son. That is one hell of a revelation, and I would bet there is a lot more going on under the surface that she hasn't told you yet.

You staying with her would give her the message that you are accepting of her jealousy toward your son.

My bet is there is a lot more nasty stuff to find out about this woman, and she has been trying to reel you in and normalise her behaviour, until you won't know what way is up, what is normal relationship behaviour and what is not.

You did the right thing when you first broke up and you're doing the right thing now.

Purple Mountain

Using a word like "tormented" speaks volumes.
You shouldn't feel emotions like that in a healthy, happy relationship.
Onwards to better things now.

Tork

Well done OP. Now, make sure to block her on your phone and on social media. Even though you say it's over, I get the feeling that you'd still take her back if she said the right words.

Even if you didn't have any children, a relationship with her was never going to work. The only sort of man who'll be a good fit for her is one who'll put up with her muppetry and dance to her ever-changing tune. You don't have that luxury and maybe your son has saved you from yourself. It'd be interesting to know if your son liked her. If she was jealous of your relationship with him, it's logical to assume that she resented him and wished he wasn't around. He probably picked up on those vibes because kids are a lot sharper than we give them credit for.

Skodafan

Feel like this is a bit of a Dear diary lol,

To those of you that have given me advice, it has truly meant a lot.

I have held it together cut all contact for the last week and today I get a message saying " I'm totally over you now, so do what you want but just so you know how I feel F*** you, I'm a great person to be going out with"

So here's to a while working on myself and living it up just me and the lil man

Sunny Disposition

Skodafan wrote: »

Feel like this is a bit of a Dear diary lol,

To those of you that have given me advice, it has truly meant a lot.

I have held it together cut all contact for the last week and today I get a message saying " I'm totally over you now, so do what you want but just so you know how I feel F*** you, I'm a great person to be going out with"

So here's to a while working on myself and living it up just me and the lil man

Fair play to you Skoda, you’ve definitely done the right thing. Just one other thing, you should block her on the phone and social media.

Purple Mountain

Buddy, you sound like a very mature and steady young man. I have nothing but awe for that.
Obviously this lady isn't there yet in terms of growing up so let out a deep breath of relief and toast a beer that she's out of your life now!

MissShihTzu

Skodafan wrote: »

Feel like this is a bit of a Dear diary lol,

To those of you that have given me advice, it has truly meant a lot.

I have held it together cut all contact for the last week and today I get a message saying " I'm totally over you now, so do what you want but just so you know how I feel F*** you, I'm a great person to be going out with"

So here's to a while working on myself and living it up just me and the lil man

You've dodged a bullet there. From the text she sent, this girl sounds very immature. To be jealous of a small child is beyond pathetic. I saw this with one of my brother's girlfriends. You were smart enough to realise and get the hell out. My brother wasn't even though I had warned him multiple times. It landed him in a world of hurt, which is only just now beginning to settle. If she was so great, she wouldn't have the need to send such a childish text.

Onwards and upwards! Good luck to you and the little guy