Having doubts about relationship

seasidedub

I wonder would boardsies weigh in here, I have posted before and found it helpful.

I posted about a newish relationship I was/am in and how he was not keen on me taking a job I was offered as it would cut down on our time together. The job is still in the pipeline, fast forward, we are together 5 months now and I still enjoy his company so much. But a few things have come out and are bothering me.

A woman kept popping up on my social media as "someone you may know", I checked her out (yeah, typical woman, I know, I know) and turns out she is his most recent ex. She superficially resembles me in colouring and features, although not really in style. He is from a very different part of Ireland and drives 2.5 hours to get to me. Turns out I'm not his first rodeo - she is from down here too and not a million miles away. One of her social media outlets describes her as being all about hiking, home cooking and chat - this describes me to a T and I assumed was what attracted him to me. He said his exes were high maintenance, but that does not sound high maintenance to me.

Then, Ireland being Ireland, I heard she was married to a wealthy guy, divorced and home on alimony. They appear to have broken up when she went back to work, part time........

I am now worried that I am a substitute, just fulfilling a set of criteria etc., I fully accept people choose people based on shared interests etc. and if I were looking again, sure I would want someone outdoorsy as it is my thing. But something feels off and I am losing my confidence that it was me that genuinely attracted him. Any thoughts?

seasidedub

...just to clarify - she did not break up with her husband when she went back to work, they were long separated. The relationship with my current guy appears to have broken up when she went back to work.

hawley

I think you should seriously consider breaking up with him. You need to have a heart to heart chat with him about how he sees this relationship. It seems like he hasn't been honest with you. Either you or him need to be willing to make the jump to move in with each other in the long term. It seems like you're been played, to be honest.

Caranica

Have you talked to him about this? Best to have it out and then make a decision.

YellowLead

I wouldn’t worry about the fact that his ex has similar traits to you - particularly when it’s pretty common traits such as liking the outdoors. You’re not a replacement for her, you just have characteristics he enjoys.

But it seems from how you described him before that this guy is sort of set in his ways and what he likes, he wants somebody with free time to hang out with on his terms. Which is fine. But it’s not fine if he is saying he loves you no matter what, and sees a future with you, but then would ditch you like a hot potato should circumstances changed slightly.

In the other thread your new job would mean you could hardly ever see him - is this still the case? When you say the job is in the pipeline does that mean you are taking it?
Same advice applies as before - take the job of it’s what you want, and if you lose this guy in the process then it wasn’t meant to be but don’t pick him over your job as it doesn’t seem he would do the same for you.

Have it out and see if you can get an honest answer about how he feels - if you are more invested than he is, it might be time to move on as he may never give you the kind of commitment and future you are after.

seasidedub

The job was offered and postponed due to Covid, now offered again so still a little time.

From the other post - he had his youngest child on Wednesdays and every Friday evening to Saturday evening, not the usual "every other weekend". I was usually able to work Wed, Thur, Fri, so he came down Saturday after giving the child back to the mother and stayed until Wed morning and we left together - me to work and him to home. So we got a minimum of 3 days a week together, but often more if the child was doing other stuff. This is why a weekend relationship would not have worked for him as he did not have full weekends off. Now, the mother of the child has moved the goalposts again, he will have the child on Tuesdays, and Friday to Saturdays, so no matter how I arrange my working week (and I am not guaranteed to get the shifts I want) it is difficult.

The most recent ex (the one I look like) seems to have exited stage left, or been pushed, when she decided to work again. Honestly, I just don't know any more what is going on. I think your advice is solid, thanks.

Tork

seasidedub wrote: »

...
The most recent ex (the one I look like) seems to have exited stage left, or been pushed, when she decided to work again. Honestly, I just don't know any more what is going on. I think your advice is solid, thanks.

If you think your current partner pushed his previous one aside just because she decided to start working again, what does that say about him? More to the point, what does that say about how you view him?

From the outside, it doesn't look like this relationship is giving you the security or happiness that it should be. Instead, within 5 months you've had reason to start two threads on boards. There's a bit of an "it's the job or me" vibe to the relationship and you're now wondering if you're just a direct replacement for an ex. What does this all tell you? This calls for an upfront, everything on the table conversation about where things are going.

TheBoyConor

you are having doubts. Why waste time on something doubtful.

Finish it.

spaceHopper

Is he keeping your existence from his ex wife and his children. Did you meet him online? All signs that he sought you out because you matched his checklist and as soon as you don't he'll be gone.

Look at this way, it's been less than a year and it could go nowhere or it could go the distance but you have to look after your career and that is what is going to sustain you long term, if that causes him to dump you then you have your answer better no than in 5 years.

TheadoreT

Hiking, home cooking and chats. Literally the most generic set of likes you could think of. This is 80% of women on dating sites. There's nothing even remotely niche about any of those things. If your self sabotaging side is letting you think based on those he's just replacing his ex with you I suggest you need to work on yourself a bit.

Does anyone just let themselves be happy in a relationship anymore!? Be kind to yourself ffs.

Zebrag

Hi OP

Just a bit confused on your issue. You seem like a lovely person who is just looking for that relationship that is balanced but this relationship doesn't seem balanced at all and there's constant changes and moving around to suit HIM. What about these changes to suit you and your career? You say that he can't have a weekend relationship as he has a child, that's perfectly fine, and the days you do get to see him, you're working... What exactly is it you're looking for?

I think finding his ex online, or she came up on your newsfeed as you said, is nitpicking and I think you're trying to find reasons to sabotage a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere but in circles. You're comparing yourself to someone you've never met and as you've said, is an ex. That's it. There's not much you can do or say to change his ex's traits, characteristics or persona. You're your own person at the end of the day and whether he likes it or not, you have your own likes, interest and so on which brings me to saying that yourself and ex might have the qualities he's looking for in a relationship and again, that's perfectly fine too but from your previous post and this one, it seems that you're trying to find ways to look for issues that are really not there.

He travels 2.5 hours to see you and stays with you for 3 days until he sees his child. Does that not show you enough that it's YOU he wants and you're making the assumptions about ex comparing yourself?

OP, are you actually happy with this person?