Those married/partnered, what would your life be like if still single?

Dickie10

as the name suggests , those men here who are married /partnered, do you ever let your mind wander and think what life would be like had you not met your other half? would you have gotten married anyway to someone broadly similar? would you have missed the boat and not seen yourself with anyone else? what if you had that sliding doors moment and not gone to a certain bar/nightclub on a certain night would you be still single and if so what would you spend your time or money doing? would you think you would enjoy it? and the 1 million dollar question would you trade it now for single life?

Hard to say for me because I had kinda given up on myself and life for a long time. Then I pulled myself together and decided to improve myself in a self incremental process. I was making it all about me - and I put looking for or getting into a relationship off the table completely. I suppose in many ways I became one of those MGTOW people without knowing about MGTOW or identifying with them at all.

And strangely it was somewhat soon after changing my entire outlook on life in this way that I ended up falling into a relationship and I have been in it ever since. But had that not happened I might still be a MGTOW type today.

I have always said that if my current relationship ended for any reason natural or unnatural - I am at a stage in life that I have absolutely no interest in ever pursuing another one. I would stay single for the rest of my life happily enough now. I have done the relationship thing and the having children thing. I am happy to continue in this relationship but no interest in every trying another one.

Dickie10

ok , i often wonder as i looked around at friends and aquaintinces, i only realised later the shyer , quite guys were actually trying very hard to get into relationships when on nights out withme and friends but i presumed they were just having the craic, their almost complete pulling out of the social circle straight away after a date or two with a partner often made me wonder were they really enjoying single life at all.

JupiterKid

I can honestly say that if my partner (a guy to clarify, I’m gay) hadn’t been there for me in my battle with the bottle in the previous decade, that got horrendous and utterly self-destructive, getting me into rehab after rehab, addiction counselors etc when most others would just walk away, I doubt I’d be alive now to post this.

But if I hadn’t met him 20 years ago on a night out to celebrate my mate’s 25th birthday, who knows? I can be quite happy in my own company but I also feel so happy to have my soul mate.

CelticRambler

Dickie10 wrote: »

what if you had that sliding doors moment and not gone to a certain bar/nightclub on a certain night would you be still single and if so what would you spend your time or money doing? would you think you would enjoy it? and the 1 million dollar question would you trade it now for single life?

Not sure I'm your target audience, as I'm out the other side since the former MrsCR decided to force the single life upon me. She was the product of a "sliding door moment" and I don't regret that at all.

After she left, I realised that I'd largely forgotten to look after my own interests on account of being distracted by work, children, our relationship and the interplay of all three, so being single again gave me the opportunity to devote time and energy to those activities, and to figure out my priorities.

But if your million dollars are available for the question in reverse, the answer is yes: I'd wilingly trade this single life for a new relationship - with the right person. Finding that person is a challenge, though, as I now have too clear an idea of who I'd like as a rest-of-life partner, and there's no dating app with the necessary filters!

MadameHussein

CelticRambler wrote: »

Not sure I'm your target audience, as I'm out the other side since the former MrsCR decided to force the single life upon me. She was the product of a "sliding door moment" and I don't regret that at all.

After she left, I realised that I'd largely forgotten to look after my own interests on account of being distracted by work, children, our relationship and the interplay of all three, so being single again gave me the opportunity to devote time and energy to those activities, and to figure out my priorities.

But if your million dollars are available for the question in reverse, the answer is yes: I'd wilingly trade this single life for a new relationship - with the right person. Finding that person is a challenge, though, as I now have too clear an idea of who I'd like as a rest-of-life partner, and there's no dating app with the necessary filters!

Sorry, this is really random, but this is a lovely comment. It is so easy to become bitter and angry after a breakup/divorce, but your attitude couldn’t be less bitter. I just think it really speaks to your credit as a person that you have such a healthy outlook on things.

kerryjack

I think there is a new single movement going on now where people can be single and be proud of it. 30 years ago when I was in my early 20s there was a lot of my friends getting married at early 20s. I wasn't that interested but as I got in to 30s there was a lot of pressure on me to settle down, especially from my parents and I did get married have nice house and 4 kids. But I do feel A man dies the day he gives up the chase, he just plods along half dead and half alive. We let ourselves go a bit, let the belt buckle out a bit shave the thining hair grow a bit of a beard. Marriage shouldn't be for life, should be a 3 year contract and renewed every 3 years and you should get a couple of weeks where you would be single out of contract and you could have a nightclub for out of contract people. I think it would be great for society, everyone would have to keep in better shape and look after themselves better and any woman or man not performing in the bedroom would get the boot.

BingCrosbee

I’m blessed. I have a great wife and a nice peaceful life. It’s not all rosy in the garden as we are both human. I find it sad when the two of us go out for a drink to the local and see 6 or 7 lads my age and separated and it’s then I realise how lucky I am and all it is is luck.

When I met my partner I didn't realise how much I sold myself short, how much I let my family influence my decision making and how set in my ways I was. Through healthy encouragement and a gentle nudge she's helped me become someone who lives a life that's on my own terms. The best part was how she did it - not imposingly, never overstepping a boundary but always knowing when to say the right thing when I needed to hear it.

I can easily say if I were still single I'd probably still be living where I grew up and taking the opinions of others a lot more seriously than necessary. Naturally that would have a more limiting effect on how life would turn out.

I'm into the 7th year with my best friend this year and wouldn't trade it for anything. I do appreciate that not everyone will have been as lucky and I regularly count my blessings.

Dickie10

i had a few opportunities to have a relationship and settle down but never really longed for it. two or three girls i did wish to persue a relationship with werent interested after a few dates. i know fairly certain theres a few women that i could probably marry in the next 2 years if i wanted to persue a relationship with them. does anyone feel slightly uncomfortable when women persue you ?

paw patrol

ive a great wife and we are very happy together with 3 kids.
I'm secure enough to know i'd be grand if I was single too probably a bit more self destructive before her in terms of partying and stuff like that.

Would I swop it - defo not but I reckon I'd be happy enough farting about in my 40s single with more money and time on my hands.

CelticRambler

kerryjack wrote: »

But I do feel A man dies the day he gives up the chase, he just plods along half dead and half alive.

A man with that attitude doesn't deserve the companionship of any woman; he should be carted off to the nearest retirement home and finish his days there as a janitor!

paw patrol

kerryjack wrote: »

I think there is a new single movement going on now where people can be single and be proud of it. 30 years ago when I was in my early 20s there was a lot of my friends getting married at early 20s. I wasn't that interested but as I got in to 30s there was a lot of pressure on me to settle down, especially from my parents and I did get married have nice house and 4 kids. But I do feel A man dies the day he gives up the chase, he just plods along half dead and half alive. We let ourselves go a bit, let the belt buckle out a bit shave the thining hair grow a bit of a beard. Marriage shouldn't be for life, should be a 3 year contract and renewed every 3 years and you should get a couple of weeks where you would be single out of contract and you could have a nightclub for out of contract people. I think it would be great for society, everyone would have to keep in better shape and look after themselves better and any woman or man not performing in the bedroom would get the boot.

while I'm happily married , I actually agree with your sentiment.
Many of my peers lost that spring in their step within first 5 years of marriage.
Not sure chasing skirt is the answer but it may help.

I think it's more important to keep some interests outside of marriage and try maintain decent health. many fellas lose that and their activities involve work & tv with the wife and twice a year meet the lads from their early 20s

I think my marriage is good cos we have interests outside our marriage, I lift weights and other stuff and she does a sport too . Not to mention social lives where we aren't always out together.

CelticRambler

paw patrol wrote: »

I think it's more important to keep some interests outside of marriage and try maintain decent health. many fellas lose that and their activities involve work & tv with the wife and twice a year meet the lads from their early 20s

Yes - I think there are too many men and women who see marriage as the end of their "self" life and, consciously or subconsciously, give up on/let go of what they had before. To an extent, that's what I did myself during my time with the former MrsCR, and only later realised that my own personal interests and activities prior to meeting her where what made me the person she wanted to be with.

On the flip side, for most of our time together, everything worked well, because we deliberately built "alone time" into our weekly/monthly schedule. Every Wednesday, for example, I had a half day off work, which almost always we would spend apart. I would literally walk in the door at lunchtime and MrsCR would walk out leaving me with 1 2 3 4 children that needed to be dressed, fed, changed, exercised ...

What pushed us apart was a significant (voluntary) change in circumstances that meant we spent more time together - all our time together, in fact - and we each lost the safety valve of knowing that we had a guaranteed period of personal space coming up within a few days. In hindsight, it should have been an easy fix, but, well ...

Somewhat ironically, after the bridges had been burnt, we subsequently found ourselves allied fighting a common enemy, after which our relationship was restored to about 90% of what it had been before, and remains so to this day.

The greatest lesson I learnt from those break-up years was that giving 100% of yourself to a relationship is actually a bad thing; and if I'm ever lucky enough to have an long-term exclusive relationship with someone else, I'll insist on each of us keeping a foot outside the door.

kerryjack

CelticRambler wrote: »

A man with that attitude doesn't deserve the companionship of any woman; he should be carted off to the nearest retirement home and finish his days there as a janitor!

Just my opinion that's all, no need to be nasty, wouldn't mind working in a nursing home I would say they would be great crack, great stories to tell, life experiences ups and downs.

Dickie10

paw patrol wrote: »

ive a great wife and we are very happy together with 3 kids.
I'm secure enough to know i'd be grand if I was single too probably a bit more self destructive before her in terms of partying and stuff like that.

Would I swop it - defo not but I reckon I'd be happy enough farting about in my 40s single with more money and time on my hands.

Im 37 and kind of pissed off at losing last year and most of this year to the pandemic and all the fun i could have had. i work quite hard but also benfit from great holidays so would always have trips and dates in the claender marked out each year the only saving grace is every one else is the same boat. I suppose some men get very hard to pop into the local pub on their own wen all the guys around them are married and settled. it gets harder to find like minded souls to keep the party going. but i would definitely think its not a reason to get into relationship /marriage your hearts not in. the very thought of me being in a relationship now or post covid actually chills my heart , the pressure of having a person to think of and plan around sounds horrendous to me. i have kind of always been like this and cant really give an answer why. like its rare if i had a one night stand or shift that i would desperately go out and ask the girl on a date or bother hooking up again. its almost as if i get afraid to bring it on any further, easier park it there , move on. Lone Wolf type of thing sometimes on nights out, i have done that since i was about 24. very strange the people you meet hanging around bars drinking on your own, lots of half friends but more aquantinces. however it can be extremly relaxing. also does wonder for your social skills and being able to read people.

FintanMcluskey

kerryjack wrote: »

I think there is a new single movement going on now where people can be single and be proud of it. 30 years ago when I was in my early 20s there was a lot of my friends getting married at early 20s. I wasn't that interested but as I got in to 30s there was a lot of pressure on me to settle down, especially from my parents and I did get married have nice house and 4 kids. But I do feel A man dies the day he gives up the chase, he just plods along half dead and half alive. We let ourselves go a bit, let the belt buckle out a bit shave the thining hair grow a bit of a beard. Marriage shouldn't be for life, should be a 3 year contract and renewed every 3 years and you should get a couple of weeks where you would be single out of contract and you could have a nightclub for out of contract people. I think it would be great for society, everyone would have to keep in better shape and look after themselves better and any woman or man not performing in the bedroom would get the boot.

Interesting point

People do become lazy almost and stop making the effort after a certain point.

In one way they almost “live through” their own children which is not always a good thing either

It’s also important to remember the chances of marrying the wrong person is just as common as marrying the right person

JoChervil

FintanMcluskey wrote: »

It’s also important to remember the chances of marrying the wrong person is just as common as marrying the right person

I believe that many people are marring the right person but then because of their own issues turn that person into a wrong one. I call this wrong one "a defensive monster".

Erich Fromm's said: "Children love because they are loved, adults are loved because they love".

If you love another person and want all the best for them, there is a slim chance they will turn into a defensive monster. There will be no need for it.

But very rarely two adults meet and when unresolved issues from our childhood are at play the love will turn sour after some time.