In love with someone I don't trust, am I expecting too much of her?

LegacyUser

So at the start of lockdown I met someone online, it wasn't a dating app it was via a work thing, she was fun and lovely and we shared so many interests, soon we were talking all the time, about feelings, experiences, our lives , and I fell in love with her. It went on for 6months or so. She told me she had feelings for me, that she loved me, and I was delighted.
However when we met in person she really wasn't so lovely. As we aren't in the same county it was difficult with lockdowns and infections to meet so we only got to do so once. (I realise it's weird to be talking about someone I've met once!).Anyway we met for a drink, I expected we'd hang around for a while, there was no pressure but I was looking forward to just meeting her, but she only stayed for 20 minutes with me, avoided me for a few days after, then told me she didn't feel anything in person. I accepted it, there was nothing I could do about it. I still hoped we'd be friends but instead she cut me right off. No contact, no replies to messages. Again I accepted it because there wasn't anything else I could do.

Then a few months ago she arrived back into my life, just with the occasional text, every 2 or three weeks. If she messaged, I messaged back, but if I messaged her, she pointedly never responded - and I mean never. She was often drunk when she did get in touch, always alluding to the fact that there were feelings between us, that she had loved me etc. I'd text a day or two later, she'd ignore me. This went on for months. She bought me a small gift during this time, I replied, excited, to thank her, got no response for a month. After Christmas she was back more regularly, being more flirty, alluding to the fact that she loved me, actually answering my messages, but I can't trust it after what has gone before. She hurt me a great deal , what I thought was a deep connection was completely disposable to her. I've tried explaining this but she just doesn't get it, doesn't see why the past should have a baring on the present, thinks I'm "overly logical" in my approach to love by not just going for it now. If she would acknowledge my feelings, or explain what happened it would help but bringing it up just seems to anger her. The closest she has come to an explanation was a bit of a sob story about past difficulties she has had as a teen and the line "if I can't respect myself, how do you expect me to respect you??". We're both in our 30s, I'm looking for something serious, this isn't cutting it. My life is quite complicated and I'm not sure I can afford the emotional energy with someone who can disappear over night or who isn't willing to give me some accountability.

The terrible thing is that I do think I love her. I think about her a lot, there are so many things I'd love to do with her. At this point it's becoming painful. Maybe it's lockdown, maybe the fact that my life is very difficult right now for several reasons. I'm immediately happy when she messages, even though she rarely even asks how I am. I see the red flags but the feeling just won't go away.

Am I being overly demanding to feel the need for some acknowledgment of what happened or some explanation? Even that she slow down and give us time to meet again. I feel instead she plans to write me off if I'm not onboard and telling her I love her now, which I can't do if it's to mean nothing. I'd ideally like to get to know her in person before I give so much again but she seems to be insistent it's now or never.

Should I just go with it? I'm also scared to miss the boat with someone I really feel for, I very rarely meet people I feel something with.

Dtp1979

She knows you’re a soft touch and will jump every time she says. She using you like a doormat. If there was ever a case where somebody should be blocked and ghosted, this it it, and consider yourself lucky to have avoided such a person.

YellowLead

Hi OP,

If I’m right in understanding you have only met in person once and only for 20 minutes - then yes you are expecting far too much.

From the outside it looks like she is using you because she likes the attention. She is likely dating others and blows hot and cold because she comes running back for attention when going through a dry spell with other dates.

You said yourself she was not as lovely in person (presumably personality wise) - you know the reality does not live up to the expectation you built up in your head because of all the pen palling.

I know it’s hard though, and it’s hard being single and alone in lockdown - it’s likely your feelings were compounded by lockdown as your mind had extra time to indulge in the back and forth.

The only connection that matters is in person. Of course texting etc are important once the connection exists in real life...but if in person connection is non existent then there is no connection full stop.

Let her know you would like to move on and your interaction isn’t giving you what you need. What does she mean by now or never???
And don’t invest before meeting in future - a lesson learned OP.

osarusan

She sounds like an absolute nightmare that would have you on edge with yourself all the time.

Get out before it gets worse.

LegacyUser

HowDoISortThis? wrote: »

We're both in our 30s, I'm looking for something serious, this isn't cutting it.

You said it yourself, OP, and you're completely right!

What you're feeling, OP, isn't love, it's just a natural reaction to the toxic fumes of codependency. Research it, work through it, let go of this useless liaison and go back out there to look for the kind of a woman who is healthy enough and ready to have the kind of a stable, committed relationship you want. This one is not offering you anything more than drama.

Sort out your issues that make it possible for you to allow yourself to be someone else's play toy, and the toxic bond that you're mislabeling as love will disappear. Sending you loads of strength and supportive thoughts, OP.

Jequ0n

You’re not in love with her, because you don’t actually know her. You only have an image of her in your head that was created in the safe, non committal long distance phase.

So she only reaches out when she is drunk/ needy/ emotional? Says it all really, plus that she is possibly someone who makes pretty bad decisions when drunk. I have known girls like that before and would only advise you to stay clear unless you are not emotionally removed,

In her defense: she has made it incredibly clear that she has no interest in you or a future together. It will not end well, but the question is how often you will allow yourself to get kicked in the teeth.

TheadoreT

Can you explain the first meetup a bit more? One of you(assuming you) travelled to the other persons country especially to meet each other? And then only met for 20 minutes before she left? Not only is that all you should need to know about how she feels its also very rude of her even if she wasn't feeling it to cut it that short considering the effort you went to see her.

I'm not going to lie OP, you're coming across massively naive in all of this, are you inexperienced with women in general? Please don't send this woman any gifts or money. Hopefully you haven't so far and its just the ego boost she's after.

Please move past this for your own well being.

leggo

A phrase you’ll see time and time again here, because it’s true, is “if a person tells you who they are, believe them.”

HowDoISortThis? wrote: »

"if I can't respect myself, how do you expect me to respect you??".

She is literally telling you she doesn’t respect you here.
What’s worse here is that you’re not respecting yourself by allowing yourself to receive this kind of treatment.

You know something is seriously wrong with this, it’s why you’re here. You can take this moment of clarity to ask questions and figure out what’s gone wrong that you’re okay allowing this. There may be some tough realisations but your life will be so much better for doing so in the long run. Or you can resist what we’re saying, convince yourself that none of us can understand, keep trying to connect and getting more attached to a person who has admitted on multiple occasions that they’re not interested in and don’t respect you, and end up seriously hurt.

The truth is you’re not in love with this person, you can’t be. This isn’t one of these crazy romantic situation where you ‘just know’. It’s not the exception to the rule and you won’t prove anything wrong. I fully believe that you believe what you’re feeling is love. If you do the work, in time you’ll realise it’s much closer to addiction and that your concept of love has been damaged somewhere along the line to the point you’re now not respecting yourself enough to continue pursuing someone who admits openly that she doesn’t respect you.

But all of that work and the commitment needs to come from you. Like dealing with anyone who’s addicted, we could prove it conclusively here, but if you’re not listening it won’t matter. So it’s your choice what you do from here.

LegacyUser

Only met in person once.
Reality didn't live up to expectation.
Only spent 20 mins with you.
Told you she felt nothing.
Goes radio silent.
Picks you up and drops you like hot snot as pleases.
Doesn't respect self.
Doesn't expect she will respect you.
Rarely asks after you.

..... this is NOT love

Sonic the Shaghog

Either she is using you for an ego boost or she had what she thought was a better offer at the time and was keeping you hooked with the odd message. Now she seems to be mad into you again it's obvious her preferred option didn't work out

JustAThought

OP - let it go - put her and anything she said behind you, and block her.

You fell in love with someone who was quite different when you met her, has continuously let you down, and who has said quite fairly and honestly that she is not into you.

Don’t waste time dwelling on her or looking for reasons or trying to redeem or fix how she is and how she treats you. She treats you badly and ISN’T into you. Don’t torture yourself - life is hard enough.

LegacyUser

TheadoreT wrote: »

Can you explain the first meetup a bit more? One of you(assuming you) travelled to the other persons country especially to meet each other? And then only met for 20 minutes before she left? Not only is that all you should need to know about how she feels its also very rude of her even if she wasn't feeling it to cut it that short considering the effort you went to see her.


Please move past this for your own well being.

The meeting was dreadful from my perspective. I had a car accident 8wks before so I was on crutches so it had been a struggle to get there. She was quite distant, polite but not what I'd call warm. I was warm but I'm not one to invade anyone's space so not overly eager, I was taking her lead. I thought we'd have a few drinks or something to eat. I wasn't heavy about the whole thing. Told her I just wanted to hang out, see if we got on, no problem if she wasn't into me. Told her my worst case scenario would be that we not end up friends and not in each others lives and she said she felt the same but was quite sure it was love. I'm an average enough looking guy, but I felt like I'd turned up to a Tinder date instead of to someone I had been in touch all day everyday with for 6 months. It was as though she just saw me and thought "no". I wouldn't have noticed her if I'd walked in off the street and hadn't known her but as we got on so well I was going to give it a go, sit there in the hope I'd see that person I'd fallen for in her. However after the 20 mins it took to down her drink she gave me some guff about time getting on, she better go , and breezed away.
After it she told me she found me "friendly and kind" so I took that as not her type, which was disappointing but I knew it was the risk you take so I accepted it.

I guess I've since got confused by the on/off declarations of love and the gift, the hinting at a relationship if I'd step up and tell her I loved her...again , and maybe mostly confused by my own loneliness.

Reading through everyone's reactions has confirmed my misgivings and worst instincts on the situation. I haven't really had anyone to talk to about it, I've sort of known it was crazy to be into someone I met once who was treating me like crap so I've been too embarrassed really to talk to anyone. I feel I've aired it out now though and I feel a lot better for it. Thanks a million everyone for taking the time. I know what I have to do!

Gekko

I’m sorry OP but if you’ve only ever spent 20 minutes together, this isn’t leading anywhere good

I’ve had some messy situations and built up the idea of stuff in my head a number of times, so we all have experience of that to some degree I’m sure

But they were about people I spent weeks or months with...

Purple Mountain

OP, to be blunt, you sound like you're in a vulnerable place at the moment and this girl is taking full advantage of it.
She sounds like a nasty, mind game playing little so and so. I was actually angry reading your post.
She knows you're insecure/vulnerable and to be honest, it looks like she got off on playing games with you.
She essentially ghosted you after meeting you in person, told you she didn't feel that way towards you but yet she's reeling you back in whenever it suits her, and when you were brave enough to question her, she tries to throw it back on you.
OP, you cannot love someone you never met before.
For all you knew, before you met her in real life, she could have been a 60 year old man behind that keyboard, telling you all the things he figured out you wanted to hear.
Now, obviously, she turned out to be a woman in her 30s but clearly either she wasn't interested in you physically or she's just a total b*tch who is going to cause you nothing but heartache. I suspect both are the case.
Delete her number and block her from being able to contact you on any platform.
And please in future if you chat to someone online, don't divulge your heart to them and try and arrange a face to face meet up within 2 weeks if possible.

bitofabind

Hi OP. You sound like a lovely, decent guy. Do you think you deserve to be treated like this? And what is it in you that makes you think this is "love"?

What you describe as loving someone is what I would label as having an anxious attachment to the adrenaline rush you get when someone is so inconsistent in their interaction with you. You're confusing that anxiety with love, those are two very very different things. Love is safety, security, feeling appreciated and respected by someone. It's quite a peaceful feeling really, you trust this person like family, you know they have your best interests at heart. You're confusing that with the "butterflies" you feel you get when this woman has ignored you for weeks and suddenly pops up again throwing scraps of affection your way. That's extremely toxic, damaging and actually hateful behaviour. It's the opposite of love.

Another thing I'd say is, your feelings don't have to drive your behaviour. Sometimes we can understand something *intellectually*, know that it is wrong for us, but feel differently. Feel attached, emotionally invested, feel like you can't walk away. Those feelings can exist, and you can still choose to do the right thing for yourself. Follow the sense and the logic. Your feelings will catch up and you'll thank yourself down the line.

Purple Mountain

OP, I've taken the liberty of taking a few of your own words and phrases from your post that I think you should read over and over.
Remember, these are your own gut feelings towards this woman..
See how you feel after reading the words that I've isolated out from your lenghty post...

HowDoISortThis? wrote: »

She really wasn't so lovely.
Avoided me for a few days after, then told me she didn't feel anything in person.
No contact, no replies to messages.

She pointedly never responded - and I mean never.
She was often drunk when she did get in touch.
I'd text a day or two later, she'd ignore me.
Got no response for a month. Completely disposable to her.
A bit of a sob story about past difficulties.
Someone who can disappear over night or who isn't willing to give me some accountability.
It's becoming painful.

She rarely even asks how I am.
I see the red flags.
I feel instead she plans to write me off if I'm not onboard.

Airyfairy12

She's using you for attention and flattery and youre letting her. You wont change her or make her fall in love with you, whatever imagery youve created in your head involving this girl and your future together, its not going to happen, sorry to be blunt.

You say youre inlove with her but you dont really know her, you met her once for twenty minutes and messaged back & forth on and off, you might have feelings for her in terms of lust, attraction, limerence, infatuation etc, but not love. It really sounds like you have strong crush and maybe the hot & cold behavior is giving you a bit of excitement which is keeping you in this cycle. The only one hurting you here is yourself and youre blaming her for being hot & cold with you when youre fully partaking in this.

My suggestion would be to block her from all social media, block her number, cut contact entirely and move on.

Sonic the Shaghog

HowDoISortThis? wrote: »

the hinting at a relationship if I'd step up and tell her I loved her...again

This actually really important and we missed it.

You've told her all this and she's hinting something might happen if you "step up" and tell her you love her again?

Lad she's emotionally abusing you just for the sake of stroking her own ego.

Dog day

OP, you sound like a lovely guy & you should take this opportunity to really look inward & examine why you’ve put up with this toxic treatment from an attention seeking, nasty, emotional manipulator. That’s all this girl is. Invest no more time or emotional energy in trying to work her out, she’s repeatedly shown you who she is, she doesn’t deserve one more second of your time. Instead focus on yourself & as I said, ask yourself why on earth you invested so much time in someone like this. Sometimes the drama of toxic connections can feel like ‘painful love’....there’s no love here. Wishing you luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Look at your posts with objective eyes. If your friend came to you with this what would be your advice? I know it's not as clear cut as 'just drop her'. You have time and emotions invested in this and you'd like to give it a chance. But, one person wanting something isn't enough. This girl likes the attention you give her.. From a distance. But she's not interested in physically being in any sort of relationship with you. After you made significant effort to travel to meet her she couldn't get out of there fast enough. There is a chance she already has a boyfriend locally and didn't want to risk being seen out with you in a date type setting.

This relationship isn't going to switch around to being great. She's not going to become and interested attentive partner. You've given it a good chance. It's not working out. Tell her so, and then cut off her means to contact you.

ILoveYourVibes

No OP you are not asking too much.

But judging from your post I am not sure people can help you.

I think this is something you have to figure out internally for yourself. You seem conflicted and so I think you need to resolve your feelings.

Yes you will be letting go. But there are plenty of fish in the sea etc.

I don't see her as nasty etc. It just didn't work out.

I think if you see it that way ..she wont be as important in your life.

There isn't any spark. Perhaps you are BOTH just lonely and holding on to something in an unhealthy way.

Girls who are healthy ...don't have time to talk to guys they have no spark with in real life all day online. Girls who are healthy have friends they can talk to etc. They have lives they date etc.

Waiting for TRUE love ...a TRUE spark ..is NEVER asking too much.

Meeting someone you get on with should be easy ..it should flow ..and i am not talking being physical at first etc that takes time ..but convo should flow by itself.

lawred2

You've met her once. For twenty minutes. It's not too much to expect someone to respond within a reasonable timeframe. Even just being polite. But she sounds like a head melt.

What's all this about love???

Move on will you and stop wasting your energy.

Zebrag

Hi OP

Look I'm a big believer in "When you know, you just know" when it comes to love. A lot of the times it's due to chemistry from both people or if one person genuinely feels it more for the other. No one can explain exactly why this is and when two people are together, although one can feel the chemistry is lacking and the other feels its worth going for its hard to pull back. A lot of the times people can call it an obsession to hold onto something they want from someone else even though they're not receiving the same actions and feelings.

This girl knows this. She knows she can dangle the carrot in front of you and you will go running when she wants you too. You unfortunately seemed to have caught the "she's the one" feeling but logically, on paper, to us posters, we can't see exactly how you can tell yourself you love someone from chatting online to meeting for 20 minutes and with the demeanour that she has, it's hard for anyone to understand why you would even tell yourself that you could potentially love this person. It's easy to say that you will run a mile but when it comes to love, you can either feel it straight away with the wrong or right person or it takes time to develop. No one has the right answer here.

However I will throw my 2 cents in here and say this girl is beating around the bush and testing the limits. Her own limits at that, she doesn't seem to have any concerns or empathy towards you or your feelings and from what you've detailed, she sounds like she has you in the background for some form of her own entertainment. Not in a comedy way but in a way to keep herself amused for when either 1) someone else isn't giving her the attention she wants or 2) alcohol gives her the courage to have a conversation. Neither is nice and to be honest I would be more inclined to just walk away from this.

If you want to find out exactly why you think you love this girl (and her actions) maybe write down the pros and cons. Give her a good thinking (not in that way!) and really look at what she is doing to you mentally and physically and ask yourself, if someone had the same feelings you had for them, would their actions be more loving and have the same actions as someone who wants to spend time and communicate? Is this mental and physical torture worth sitting around for when this girl decides you're worthy of a conversation?

I've had ex friends that have done this to pass "relationships" and it's disheartening to watch them flout about and watching the other person on the recieving end wither away because of their actions.

OP you sound like a genuine, caring and kind person and I would only hope that the love you have for someone is as true and real as you are but this girl, maybe she's afraid to love or care but that's neither here nor there in terms of how she's treating you. You seem like a person who loves deep connections and that's absolutely fine and nothing to be ashamed off but sitting down with yourself and tell yourself that if this girl was treating a friend or even a family member the same way, would you tell them to continue anyways and watch them feel hurt each time?

I know my responce was lengthy but I hate seeing people feel they need to be treated badly in order for them to feel a connection with someone. OP hands on heart, this girl isn't feeling the same towards you base on her actions and I think for your own sake, you should cut your loss and take a step back and think exactly what it is you're looking for in a relationship. It's hard. Dating during lockdown is hard. Even being in a relationship during lockdown can test the patience of a saint but the post you've written, I really can't see this going any further than a pen pal chat over text until this girl finds her entertainment elsewhere

Good luck OP :-)