This guy HATES me for no reason

@me

This guy HATES me for no reason

...or at least I feel like he does.

A bit of context: at the start of the pandemic I came across this twitch/discord community. A bunch of friends basically who play games together and chat on the same server. It was a good way to connect with people in isolation so I started watching streams and getting involved with the community.
This guy started as a friend of one of the more popular streamers, and then started streaming and gained popularity himself. The games he was playing suited me so I started dropping by and honestly in the beginning he seemed really glad to have me.
Problem is… I have a very dry/sarcastic sense of humour. And it soon became apparent that he didn't get my jokes. I rubbed him up the wrong way, even when I tried to be nice and drop the sarcasm, he wasn't pleased. Everything I said to him just seemed to be taken the wrong way.
This all came to a head when one of my jokes upset him. Completely my fault and I feel really bad about it. He dragged me out in front of the whole server and I had to DM him to defuse the situation. I apologized, explained how I had meant it, but also promised not to make those jokes in future.
Turned out HE had actually misinterpreted my meaning. Once I explained myself, things turned around pretty fast and he started, laughing, told me that meant something different in his culture. He also apologised publicly on the discord because he had misunderstood me.

Everything is fine right‽ I thought it would be. Maybe we could try to get along...but no. He's not as snappy as before, but I feel pretty chilly whenever I'm in his stream or even just in a group chat that involves him. He'll talk to me, but it's very short and to the point. Sometimes I'll think hes replying to something I've said (he would never @me ), and I'll try to pick up the conversation only for radio silence or another quick reply. I just generally feel unwelcome, and am tempted to leave.
Problem is I actually really enjoy his content. He's also a super nice, warm person (to other people), and I was drawn to that. It kinda irks me that this one person who seems to be friends with everyone doesn't like me specifically. Even when I'm trying to be friendly, I just get nothing from him.
The other day we were stuck in a voice chat waiting for the others and he asked me about the weather…
THE WEATHER
This super confident, friend of everyone type, and he can't even bear to have a 5min conversation with me. It hurts. Idk why.

Should I just give up talking to him, or do we just need more time to get along?
How is it possible that someone so friendly seems to hate me so much?

YellowLead

To answer your question - should you give up talking to him - I think yes.

We will all meet people we like and dislike and vice versa that’s just life. It might be a disappointment of course if somebody we like and respect doesn’t want to be friends, but we have to respect their wishes and they really don’t owe us a why.

It sounds like he is keen to maintain a distance and not to become friends and that is his perrogative.
Assuming he ‘hates’ you just because he’s not keen to interact might be jumping to conclusions.

I am not very familiar with the whole world of online gaming - are there other groups or chats you can join? Don’t let it frustrate you to much, you’re not to blame you just rubbed him up the wrong way (albeit unintentionally) and he can’t/doesn’t want to see past that. Leave him be now is my advice.

Dial Hard

It doesn't sound remotely like he HATES you, it sounds like your sense of humour rubs him up the wrong way and he's being polite but distant because he has no interest in being your friend.

Not everyone in life is going to like you, OP, no more than you're going to like everyone else. Nobody owes you their friendship and the sooner you accept that (and realise it's not even necessarily a reflection on you), the happier you'll be with life in general. It's immensely freeing to realise and accept that it doesn't particularly matter whether a specific person likes you or not.

Rubberchikken

I don’t think he hates you. I honestly don’t think it’s possible to hate someone so easily.
Didn’t understand your sense of humour - yes.
Took a bit of offence to it - maybe.
Seems to have gotten over it - yes.
Is polite but not more than that - acceptable.

Continue with the gaming and interaction if you’re enjoying it but I would try to let go the impression you have of this person. It doesn’t seem worth it.

I realise it can hurt to feel a popular with others person doesn’t seem to include you but that’s life, real and online.

Take care

YellowLead

YellowLead wrote: »

To answer your question - should you give up talking to him - I think yes.

We will all meet people we like and dislike and vice versa that’s just life. It might be a disappointment of course if somebody we like and respect doesn’t want to be friends, but we have to respect their wishes and they really don’t owe us a why.

It sounds like he is keen to maintain a distance and not to become friends and that is his perrogative.
Assuming he ‘hates’ you just because he’s not keen to interact might be jumping to conclusions.

I am not very familiar with the whole world of online gaming - are there other groups or chats you can join? Don’t let it frustrate you to much, you’re not to blame you just rubbed him up the wrong way (albeit unintentionally) and he can’t/doesn’t want to see past that. Leave him be now is my advice.

Yeah I guess my main grievance here is that he's so prevalent in the community. If I go into another stream or chat odds are he's there and everyone gravitates towards him. So if I'm also there trying to take part in the conversation and he's not having it I end up being left out.
I have a handful of other girls that I've found I gel with and also would want to stay in touch with them.
There's also the concern that others follow his lead and if they pick up on his distaste that could influence their behaviour.
It's essentially like being back in secondary school and the popular girl doesn't like you.

Rubberchikken

In real life his behaviour would be bullying/excluding.
How would you deal with that in that instant? I realise it's simplistic but I always think this type of behaviour stems from a touch of insecurity.

Maybe he can't handle someone who might be funnier/smarter/better/whatever than he is and so this is his way of responding.

Its crap when this happens in the school yard with kids. So it's pathetic to have what I'm assuming is an adult behaving this way.

You'll have to work out if you want to continue with us forum or find a more inclusive group who welcome all.

screamer

So this is a random person on an Internet forum.... seriously OP why would you even care???? Stay part of the group if you want to, and just don’t bother with this internet entity anymore.

leggo

A couple things OP:

You can’t force friendship with people who don’t want to be friends, that’s not how it happens and trying to do so comes across needy and off-putting, even if it’s done with the best of intentions.

I remember when I was in my early 20’s I got really into a podcast and felt connected to it because, as podcasts do, they spoke about things I felt so specifically related to my interests and humour. I’d throw them the odd tweet or email and listen out to see if they brought it up or asked me to come on the show sometime, then would get a bit frustrated if they didn’t acknowledge it. I actually also bumped into them randomly at different stages too and tried to make conversation. They came across as cold and stand-offish and it hurt that it didn’t match my expectations.

Years later, I’ve a podcast with a small following and I completely see their side now. As a creator you do connect with people on super specific levels that they may not have people in the real world to discuss these with. You may even talk about your personal life so they feel like they know you, and many do reach out and want to be friends. I do my best but I can spot the people pushing a bit hard and I feel bad but push away. It’s a lot of pressure because you can’t be their best friend and my experience is that, if you give an inch, they’ll want a mile sometimes, then call you a dick if you basically don’t become their best friend. I’ll give you an example: I gave one listener a job before, worked quite closely with them to develop that project, had them in my home a few times, got them another job I knew they wanted down the line, did regular welfare checks on them when they were going through a tough time etc...then when they ended up not really getting much traction and getting where they wanted to be, they became hugely hostile towards me!

Whereas now I keep people at arm’s length, set boundaries if need be, then if some kind of friendship develops naturally in time then great! And it can: I currently work with and have lived with listeners in the past so I’ve made genuine friends. But none of them tried to force that friendship on me either. I got to know them naturally same way I have every other friend I’ve made.

Now I look back and see that, to the podcasters I listened to years ago, I was someone they didn’t know at all and that longing for connection was just me looking to find people more like me in that respect (which I did). I don’t judge them because now I do the exact same thing!

And I think that’s what’s happening to you: this person almost definitely doesn’t hate you, but you feel this connection and have built all these hopes and expectations based off enjoying their content. They probably feel that intense intent on your part and are pushing back to create a boundary and that feels like a rejection. It’s not! It’s just that your relationship is defined as “They make content, you consume it” and nothing more. If it fills a void for you, that’s okay too, but find someone (even through this community) who has similar interests/humour and WANTS to be your friend. You’ll be much happier, as the only direction this is heading is you have your feelings hurt and end up having to lose out on content you enjoy.

Jequ0n

Nothing in his behaviour suggests “hatred”, he simply seems irritated by you.
Why don’t you try not to engage/ respond instead of injecting yourself to be liked and accepted? Based on your posts there is no need to assume that he has tried to alienate you from the rest of the group