Complicated relationship

LegacyUser

Jane and Kate meet and form a close bond straight away. Both girls would identify as heterosexual.

However, as the connection between the two girls is so intense, Kate develops strong feelings for Jane and after some time feels that she is falling in love with her. Although Jane is very affectionate and loving towards Kate, Kate fears that Jane doesn't share these feelings so keeps this to herself.

Kate wants to protect her friendship with Jane above all else.

A while into the friendship Jane istigates a sexual encounter between the two. This happens one night when Kate is staying with Jane.
The encounter was minor but definately sexual in nature and beyond what regular friends would do.

Kate, although excited that Jane may share her feelings, fears things may become awkward so doesn't question Jane about it and Jane never brings it up.

The girls continue their friendship as before and nothing of this nature happens again for a while. During this
time they spend most of their free time together. Jane continues to be very affectionate towards Kate. Sometimes people assume that they're a couple.

However both girls also persue boys throughout this time and both go in and out of various relationships.

Once again, Jane again instigates a sexual encounter. This time, when alone in Kate's room and after
a night out, Jane suddenly kisses Kate passionately. Even though Kate wants this to happen she is torn and fears for their friendship so pulls away. Jane refuses to talk about what happened. It is never mentioned again and the girls continue their friendship as before.

Jane can often blow hot and cold with Kate. Being overly affectionate with Kate at times and other times pushing her away.

Kate feels the need now to be open with Jane and talk about their experiences and feelings for eachother but Jane doesn't seem interested in this. Jane seems to actively avoid it. Kate is worried that if she pushes this that she will lose her friend.

What should Kate do? She feels that this dynamic is not good for her and her mental health. Should Kate try to speak to Jane or should she distance herself for her own good?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Hi Tetra2020

Thank you for your post.

Could I ask, going forward that you write in the first person, given that posters will be advising you?

Thanks

HS

LilacNails

Sounds like Jane might be in some kind of denial.

I really think the best thing to do is distance yourself, u have already tried to speak to her. Sorry.

Loveinapril

Just talk to your friend. If you continue in this path of the odd sexual encounter with no actual conversation about it, it will eventually come to a head, whether in a positive or negative way. Speaking to her will clarify any confusion and stop you from feeling led on.

Augme

Jane is the head-wrecking-craves-attention sort. Best avoided at all times. Jane knows how Kate feels about her so is using that to string her along to keep her on tender hooks.

Kate needs to stop being naive about the whole situation and start withdrawing. But once she starts withdrawing she needs to realise Jane will start ramping up the intensity to counter her withdrawal.

Hard to know if it is best to withdraw slowly or quickly. A quick withdrawal will lead to massive jump in intensity which can be very mentally exhausting. A slow withdrawal will take longer though. By the sounds of it a slow withdrawal is best for Kate. She's already struggling with the stress and I wouldn't be too sure she would be successful in it. She still has strong feels for Jane and a dramatic increase in intensity from her will prbnaly be too much for Kate to resist.

A slow withdrawal is good too because Kate will get to slowly aclimatise to the situation. She will also see Jane's true colours as they slowly show.

Either way, Kate needs to know she is in a toxic friendship and she needs to get out of it. Kate will have a better idea of how to achieve that for herself though.

TheadoreT

If Jane is instigating all the encounters and affection how confused do you think she must feel if you're pulling away at times? That feels like more hot and cold behavior than what she's displaying so may explain why she doesn't want to talk about it if embarrassed you may reject her.

Either way tell her how you feel.

Faith

So, by my reading, Kate - I'm guessing that's you, OP - holds deep but secret feelings for Jane. Jane has made several advances, and each time, Kate has pulled away completely afterwards, even during a kiss on one occasion.

If I were Jane, I'd assume Kate had no interest in me because she had rebuffed me so many times. If Kate tried to talk to me about it, I'd assume it was to let me down and I'd avoid it because I was already embarrassed enough at making a fool of myself towards someone who wasn't interested in me.