Advice needed on something my partner told me

LegacyUser

Hi all, decided to go anonymous for this one.
Im really not sure this is the right place to post either so please move mods if you see fit.

In a loving relationship for the last 15 or so years with my girlfriend, 2 kids, havent quite got around to getting married yet but soon hopefully. Happy as a pig in sh1t in other words.

She's always been quite shy in the bedroom even though I have reassured her that she has an amazing body which she does and im just as attracted to her as the day we first met.
Despite the fact we are together so long, she's not been one to be very open talking about sex.
This has changed recently, not sure if its an age thing or what as she cant explain it either. She's become far more interested and open about things when she dropped a bombshell on me.
About 20 years ago, long before we met, she had an experience with a guy she was on/off seeing. Whilst fooling around he pinned her down and proceded to have anal sex with her, no lube, no warning, just shoved it in. She was frozen and in a lot of pain, afterwards he more or less convinced her that it was normal. She thinks he had a quite distorted view of sex because of porn.
She cut ties with him briefly after but never made a big deal of it. She was young enough at the time (about 20 years old)and quite inexperienced so never made any complaint. As she says herself, "I willingly went to bed with him, I was as much to blame". (which i assured her was incorrect, that she had done nothing wrong)

Suddenly so many things make sense to me now. (shy in the bedroom, trust issues)
While im happy I now know, i really wish she had told me sooner, but it was her first time talking about it. She never spoke about it, even to her closest friends so opening up about it was a big deal for her.
I have a lot of questions but dont want to push it and bring up bad memories as I see how upset it made her telling me.
However im really upset about the fact she went through this in the first place but has carried the baggage for so long.
Only for the fact it happened far away (she is not Irish) id have absolutely nailed the guy to the floor if I knew who it was.

Before anyone says it, I know its not my issue, in time I will probably get my head around it but its something I have never encountered before and I just want to do my best to help her through it. I dunno if thats talking about it or just shutting up and never mentioning it again.
She only told me yesterday, I found it hard to sleep last night, a mixture of sympathy and anger. I dont want to be overbearing now but im not sure how to proceed. Its not the kind of thing I can discuss with anyone so I feel better to at least write it down and read it back.

Thanks for reading this far if you have managed! Any suggestions or similar experiences?

MadameHussein

I'm definitely not the most qualified to answer this but I didn't want to leave it with no replies.

Firstly, you sound like a wonderfully supportive partner. You aren't expected to have all the answers - all that you can do is what it sounds like you've been doing already: reaffirming that you love your partner, that you care, that you don’t blame her, and that you believe in her.

I realise that you may be feeling confused, and maybe even hurt, that she didn't confide in you until now. However, from her statements that you've given it seems she is still carrying a huge amount of self-blame and shame for the attack and has been for years. There was most likely a fear (notwithstanding how irrational) that you would share the same feelings as she does about the attack.

That is a huge amount of trauma to be carrying around for all that time, and while I'm in no way diagnosing your partner, it is extremely common for victims of rape to suffer from forms of PTSD. They can find it extremely difficult to talk to those who are close to them about what happened - often this is a self-defence mechanism to protect themselves from distress.

For these reasons, I would follow your partner's lead. Don’t force her to tell you about what happened, but let her know you are there if and when she does want to talk. If she does decide she wants to talk, don’t "probe" too much in relation to her actions during/after the attack - it may make her feel like you doubt her or are placing blame on her.

You have said that you feel a huge amount of anger towards her rapist which is completely natural. I would just flag that she may never want to name him or pursue him for justice/seek revenge in any way - as a victim of rape, she has already had control taken away so you need to respect your partner's decision in that regard as hard as that may be (nothing in your OP has indicated that you wouldn't). Your partner may find it helpful to talk to the RCC or to a counsellor but again that is her decision.

Finally, I would just say that you also have to take care of yourself. It is totally understandable that this news has overwhelmed you and has had led you to experience your own sense of shock and anger. You have said that you can't talk to anybody - it could be extremely helpful for you to seek support and to talk about your own feelings with a counsellor. Taking care of your own needs may also make it easier to provide support to your partner.

LegacyUser

I've experienced something similar . Married over 20 years , when I met my wife I knew she had just come out of a relationship with an older guy he was 35 she was 17 when they started dating.

I never asked much about it , I knew bits about her past from general conversation over the years . We have a great marriage and wonderful kids.

We have a great life together. She said she regrets been with that guy for a year or two before me but hey we all make mistakes.

Sex was always a bit awkward in our relationship in so far as we have sex but my wife would never initiate sex or talk about sex it's almost taboo . She would never do anything out of the norm , if I asked her to dress up etc it be a big no no and she be mortified. she just has no interest in sex outside of vanilla sex lights off and never talk about . Even if I told her you look sexy etc she would almost be embarrassed.

Anyway I love her and she is my best friend so I put up with it , she has since told me that she thinks her past has hard wired her attitude to sex and intimacy.

After watching a program on tv about 2 years ago that was about grooming she opened up a little she had a couple of drinks . She told me that when she thinks back to her youth she realises now that she was groomed . She opened up and told me that when she was 15 a family friend that was also a Garda was starting to give her more attention . They had a lot in common and shared interests . He took opportunities to drop her home from gaa practice etc.
Anyway she says nothing happened and she seen him only as a good friend until after she turned 17.
She told me he would drop her and her friends into town to the disco and collect her from school she was in 6th year.
She says one particular night after he collected her and her friend from town , ( she had text him asking for a lift they couldn't get a taxi) . He was on shift work so was awake . He collected them and dropped her friend home then proceeded to kiss my now wife.
She said she was flattered kinda he was older and she just went along , she said he drove her to his place and they had sex , she was a virgin and not long turned 17. She says when she thinks back she was definitely drunk. He didn't ask her to have sex he just proceeded to have sex with her. She regrets it , they started dating and had some backlash but everyone thought he was a nice genuine guy and they had been friends for years.

When I heard this story I wanted to rip this guys head off . I didn't sleep for weeks it started to affect our relationship. I found myself bringing it up all the time and my wife would get annoyed . He is still a family friend I want him to be outted for what he did. My wife says legally he done nothing wrong and maybe it's just the whole metoo thing now that has her looking back at it differently.

My wife doesn't want to do anything about it , she refuses councilling or even talking about it now . She says yes maybe it changed her attitude to sex but she says it's nearly 25 years ago she doesn't think about it anymore so doubts she will change .

Basically it's ruined nearly a year or more of my life till I learned to let it go and move on. It eats at you and becomes your problem , I couldn't sleep for so long everything would trigger it for me . When I see this guy I want to strangle him. My advice is try drop it if your wife wants to cause I would hate you to go through what I did . All the best

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for your reply.
Yesterday was a tough day. There were alot of tears and she found it hard to explain why she decided to tell me when she did. I think she had completely blocked it from memory and something stirred it up and she had told me before she realised what she was saying.
Im glad she has shared the burden with me even if it has shaken me up a bit.
The fact that she felt she had to keep it to herself so long or was afraid to tell anyone upsets me. We all have close family that could so easily find themselves in a similar situation and however nasty, its nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
On saying that I do get the sense that she's lifted a huge weight so im thankful for that.

I appreciate what you say about looking after myself, I live in rural Ireland and apart from family and close friends living nearby, its not something I want to share with anyone which is half the reason I wrote it down here, just to get it off my chest (even if it is only speaking to strangers on boards!)
Im not exactly an open book myself so I dont think id feel comfortable speaking to a counsellor (nor would she) but that might change yet.
Thanks again, weird sense of relief reading a response which I never expected

LegacyUser

@ Similarstory

Thanks for the response. I know how you feel. Like you I have so many questions but il just have to live with the fact that il probably never get an answer to them and thats her call. In a way I want to know the details but I also know deep down they would only make me feel worse.
Theres so many similarities in your story, especially when it comes to sex but that seems to have changed lately. She's more and more adventurous and she cant explain it, she just seems to be coming out of her shell a bit.
Im lucky in a sense that I dont know the guy, she's from far away in Europe so she has no idea where or what became of him and I dont want to know either.
Sounds like everything else is going great for you, its the same for me and I guess thats all that matters right now.
Thanks for taking the time to reply

LegacyUser

Yeah like I don't want to undermine in any way the severity of what happened your wife.
I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Tbh man I in such a bad place last year it literally consumed me I couldn't get the images out of my head and I'm sure I imagined the absolute worst case scenarios in each incident I knew about .

Like I cannot tell you how much I tortured myself , I would ask a question for example one day I remember something been on that news about a teacher student relationship and inevitably her past came up in the conversation, it got around to me asking like was it a kink with him did he ask you to dress up in your uniform. My wife is honest to a fault and suffice to say the next few sentences she shared with me nearly pushed me over the edge. I went down a rabbit hole of finding him on social media wanting to no more and more, more questions more sleepless nights , more mind racing . My head couldn't clear it consumed my every moment. I had a breakdown in work one day locked myself in a room and cried for about an hour.
I told myself I can't go on like this , I told my wife never to mention him again to me as I am finding the visuals to much to take . I feel - felt bad about this but she had already told me multiple times she doesn't want to pursue anything she just feels she was young stupid and impressionable.

I've used tactics I found online for OCD to help me forget the past. It's seems stupid it was before I met her and nearly 25 years have past. If I didn't let this go it was going to ruin me and my marriage.

Be there for your wife but my advice would be to not dig deeper cause you might find it harder to get over stuff she tells you than she does . It's weird my wife cares less about it than me.
I feel selfish that this guy ruined my sex life but that's impossible to say he did , he pressured her into sex and manipulated her into sex so I blame that on her attitude to sex but it may not necessarily be that. We are all different.

I hope you both get peace in your head, man I remember them sleepless nights and days of racing brain so well , I remember drinking to numb my mind.

I hope this helps you somewhat in that even to know I was as bad as can be and now I can have days where it might only enyer my head once and I acknowledge it and let it pass .

leggo

OP you sound like a good and understanding partner.

What I’d suggest would be the best COA for you now is to just leave it unless it’s something she wants to pursue or discuss, then be generally supportive and empathetic now that you have this wider picture of the experiences that have made her who she is today.

She’s not going to forget she told you this, so giving her space to deal with it on her own terms while making it a safe space to approach if she wishes to will be appreciated. Your emotions are understandable but there’s nothing you can do to undo or fix this for her and any attempts to do so will just make her unnecessarily relive a traumatic event. So let it go and just be whatever she needs you to be in this respect and you’ve done a really good job as a partner.

osarusan

OP you sound like a decent bloke and your partner feels like she can open up around you, even if she's not keen to follow up on it. That's a great sign of the trust between you.

If and when she brings it up again, tell her that you are glad that she shared it with you as hopefully she now feels that she doesn't have to suffer alone, and that you are there for her whenever she wants/needs to talk about it and will support her however you can.

I'm not sure you can do much other than that.

It's understandable that you have questions and want to 'sort it out' somehow, but put that to the side and be led by her, and be prepared for it to just fade away also.

SusanRichards

Hi OP

It seems like you have handled this so well so far & seem like a really supportive partner.

my situation is a little different but have experienced a similar disclosure (from a platonic friend but whom I deeply deeply care about).

I can only echo what other posters have said, don't be afraid to seek help for yourself. I struggled hugely (upset anger and drowned by so many unanswerable questions ). I sought counselling and I can't even explain the benefit it had for me.

I was able to adjust, understand my own thoughts and most of all got myself into a stable mental state so I could be able to support when they felt able to talk further.

It was the first time I ever felt the need for counselling and honestly it got me through a terrible time personally.

I wish you and your wife most sincere best, making a disclosure like this can be a traumatic experience and the feelings/thoughts you are having are completely normal.

LegacyUser

Thanks all.
Its amazing how some reassuring words from people I have never even met can make me feel better. The mind is a weird thing!
I thought long and hard about posting the original message as your not always sure what to expect on the internet but im glad i did now. Thank you all