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How I feel

  • 04-03-2021 11:05pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I just wanted to write down how I feel. I am a mother and I adore my child. Becoming a mom was the best thing ever to happen for me. I am happy with my boyfriend too. But ever since having the child a few years ago, I feel a bit suffocated. I feel like I miss my time. I haven’t had a night out since and haven’t had time with friends. I told my mother how I felt and she told me she didn’t go out until all her kids were reared and this is my life now. I just wish I could have a night out once a month. It’s like a craving that I constantly have. I feel like I didn’t get to give enough time to my life before having kids. I by no means want to replace my boyfriend or my life now but I just would love to head out with other girls for a laugh and a few drinks the odd night. Nobody in my life agrees or understands how I feel. Is it normal or is there something wrong with me for feeling this longing? Should I feel fully settled down? My parents tell me my child is my full responsibility now which of course I understand but can’t help how I feel. Do any other moms feel this way or am I alone?


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,013 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    I doubt you're alone in feeling like this. Rearing a child is tough work. Great fun, a blessing, life enhancing etc but very very exhausting at times too.
    Every parent needs a bit of time to themselves. That way they come back to family life with a clearer head and the strength to keep going:)

    Maybe with covid you can't meet up physically with your friends at the moment but could you organise a zoom meet up with maybe some snacks, drinks etc and a chance just to be a person for a while.
    We all need that feeling at times.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    No you're not alone. I think your parents' thinking is slightly out of touch. Not going out with the girls until your child is reared is a huge ask and an unnecessary sacrifice. Your social life takes a hit, no doubting that but not getting out and meeting friends at all isn't good for you either.

    Obviously its not possible at the moment but when it is possible why not arrange something with your friends?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,565 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    Do you live with your boyfriend?

    Has your boyfriend had nights out with the lads since the birth?

    It he's able to have nights out with the lads you are certainly able to have nights out with the girls.

    You need to discuss this with him, the baby doesn't need both parents with them every night and your boyfriend is more than able to look after his own child.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    I totally get where you're coming from. My son is 7 now and the centre of my world; I would never change a thing. But in the first couple of years after he was born there was definitely an adjustment needed on my part - not so much about nights out as such, but I occasionally missed some of the 'freedom' I had in that I couldn't just come and go as I did before - take off on a Sunday for a drive somewhere random, or spend an evening tinkering on some hobby, or decide I fancied a long walk somewhere at some random time.

    Of course, he was planned so I knew life would change and I wasn't complaining - but I possibly wasn't totally realistic with myself in how that spontaneity of choice that we enjoy changes when we have a little one we are responsible for 24/7. I think there's somewhat of a slight stigma attached to this at times too; theres a societal expectation from some that having a child brings so much happiness (which it does) that we couldn't possibly miss things like nights out and having fun (which we do). This is probably exacerbated a bit if you're a younger parent rather than an older one, who may have already done their share of parting and socialising and don't feel they've missed out on anything.

    Having a child doesn't preclude doing those things, but it just takes a bit more planning means and less spontaneity.

    It doesn't really matter how your Mum did it - things were a bit different then. My Dad wasn't a hands on parent but that doesn't mean I'm going to emulate him either. What matters is how you feel. Need a break and some 'me' time now and again does not mean you love your child any less, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling like that. In fact, it's healthy for both you and your child - it gives you time to refresh and maintain a good balance, and good for them to spend some solo bonding time with their other parent or a grandparent.

    I assume lockdowns have also contributed to this feeling of suffocation - I think we can all relate a bit there as there's been little opportunity for socialising like we did before.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Why can't your boyfriend mind the child while you're away? Is he any good as a father or is he hands off old school and is happy to leave all the parenting to the mother as long as he brings home a paycheque every week?


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  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    How I feel wrote: »
    I just wanted to write down how I feel. I am a mother and I adore my child. Becoming a mom was the best thing ever to happen for me. I am happy with my boyfriend too. But ever since having the child a few years ago, I feel a bit suffocated. I feel like I miss my time. I haven’t had a night out since and haven’t had time with friends. I told my mother how I felt and she told me she didn’t go out until all her kids were reared and this is my life now. I just wish I could have a night out once a month. It’s like a craving that I constantly have. I feel like I didn’t get to give enough time to my life before having kids. I by no means want to replace my boyfriend or my life now but I just would love to head out with other girls for a laugh and a few drinks the odd night. Nobody in my life agrees or understands how I feel. Is it normal or is there something wrong with me for feeling this longing? Should I feel fully settled down? My parents tell me my child is my full responsibility now which of course I understand but can’t help how I feel. Do any other moms feel this way or am I alone?


    You need something that is just for you. I took up a hobby /craft thing on my maternity leave at the insistence of my partner who said that we all need something that isn't Mammy or family related. That night of the week, I'm hands off. Dinner is on the stove, sort themselves out. I'm out the door like a scalded cat for 3 blissful hours I dread to think what my mental health would be like if I didnt have that outlet in the toddler years.

    So, you likely won't get it from your mother but would the other side of the family babysit a night if you asked them? Or do you have siblings or a local neighbour who could babysit? Can you do something with a friend once a week on a set evening and dad does the bedtimes? I know we are limited at the moment because of covid but I'm suggesting it for afterwards when we are allowed out again.

    Does your partner go out? If so, then you equally deserve the nights out as well.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Partner should be the first person to ask to mind the child. And even then, you shouldn't have to be asking him to mind his own child. Why isn't he taking responsibility or offering to mind the child while you go out?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    I'm not a mum or a parent for that matter.

    But here's some advice. The kid will be fine no matter what you do. Some time away from your kid is healthy for both mother and child. Don't try to entertain the kid the whole time either. Let them be bored

    Try to get a nice balance and routines you enjoy both alone and as a family.

    If you need a night out - and even if you don't - ask your partner to babysit. Or maybe your parents.

    You're probably approaching an age where your friends won't be going out every week anyway so enjoy it when you can.

    Also money can be tight but if you can spare it cleaners, babysitters, laundry services etc will be lifesavers.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,147 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    Your parents are out of touch, but that’s fine, you have to accept that older people have different ideas.

    However you do not mention what your partner thinks of the whole thing. You should mention it to him and OF COURSE he will totally agree and say that you totally deserve it, and take care of the kids for the night. There is no way he would say anything else as I am sure he’s not a caveman.

    EDIT: and just to add, one night off every 4 weeks is hardly a party lifestyle.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,565 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    antix80 wrote: »

    If you need a night out - and even if you don't - ask your partner to babysit.

    Her partner is the father of the child.

    It's NOT babysitting if it's your own child.....I can't believe some people still don't get that concept!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,228 ✭✭✭The Mighty Quinn


    Deleted


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,885 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Absolutely you are not.


    Why can't you go out for dinner with your friends? My kids are 6, 4 and 2, and I get out with friends every opportunity (current circumstances not allowing that obviously). About every couple of months, I will get out for a dinner at least, I admit we are long past the clubbing years!. With the arrival of each subsequent child, for all of us, nights out have become more and more important, and we actually make more of an effort to get out regularly. Husbands/partners mind the kids. You would go nuts otherwise. I work too, and after my first child, I found working hard but by my third child, it became a release for me, to be an adult and have my own life. I mean I still keep my hours as short as I can and I am not hanging around doing overtime or anything, but I am a person too. We are well settled down, but that doesn't mean I want to sit at home all the time doing nothing (and the last year has cemented that realisation for me even further)



    You need something for yourself, as Neyite said. Anything. Your mother's life was at a very different time - she may well have not had the money to go out, and nobody to go with. You need a break from being a parent every so often, that is totally normal.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    Her partner is the father of the child.

    It's NOT babysitting if it's your own child.....I can't believe some people still don't get that concept!

    Calm down, love.

    Op described him as a bf, not even a partner or father.

    Anyway, by babysit I meant the person in charge of childminding. I don't understand how mothers think it's good that they smother their kids. I'm in favour of spreading responsibility for as far as it can be spread.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,374 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    You have every right to have nights out with your friends, heavens forbid a mother go out and have a couple of drinks once in a while. This isnt your parents generation or the 1950's, you can have children and still have a life of your own, id argue that its healthier for you, your child and your relationship that you have a life outside of your family were you meet up with friends for drinks, meals or whatever else you feel like doing. You have nothing to feel guilty for.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,561 ✭✭✭JJayoo


    Her partner is the father of the child.

    It's NOT babysitting if it's your own child.....I can't believe some people still don't get that concept!

    Someone needs a night out


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,565 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    JJayoo wrote: »
    Someone needs a night out

    Yeah the OP does, she has made that pretty clear.

    Have you any constructive advice for her?


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