Mental block towards sex

LegacyUser

Hi all.
Hoping you can help me and advice is appreciated.
I’m 30/F, never had sex or been in a relationship.
I’m heterosexual and find men attractive but cannot connect/ be sexual/ date like other women.
Writing this, I am feeling tearful and like a failure of a woman.
Ever since I was a child and teen, boys and now men were and are like a different species that I cannot understand. I’ve never had a problem interacting with women, good and bad interactions but with men , it’s all been unpleasant.
As a teenager, I would of romantized interactions and crushes with boys to an obsessive point, building it up in my head.
Into my twenties, much the same and I tried the going out and nights out and would of scored and kissed but had a mental block with going home or “off” with lads. I went out with one or two lads for a short time in my twenties. Dated for a short time but I couldn’t get to a point of confidence or trust to have sex and they didn’t waste anymore time and went off with other girls and in hindsight, I understand where they would of been coming from but also, I was never given a chance to get comfortable e.g privacy, indoors.
I never and still haven’t had sex.
I tried the dating scene on the apps and have failed miserably. The usual story; ghosted, faded out, stood up, went on 5 dates and suddenly ghosted.
I cannot progress past the initial polite stages. And have had dreadful experiences with men who were not my type at all. But I would settle and try to keep dating them just in the hope it may turn into “something”.
Cannot get to the point of having sex or being intimate.
Unfortunately one man I dated sexually assaulted me few months back.
So not only did I not have experience etc, the one time I did get to that point, it was horrible.
On the dating apps, I got sucked into a cycle of exchanging dirty snaps with strangers because i was horny but also it was the only “action” I was getting. (Not to the man above). I’ve been caught up in pen palling too. Going nowhere!! All a waste of time.
Even writing this I’m ashamed and embarrassed.

It’s like I have a mental block. I don’t know what I’m going to do, every date/crush follows the same failed pattern (nowhere) and anytime I go over this hidden issue in my mind, I cry. It causes me horrendous stress as no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can’t fix it.

Why can’t I be sexual? Why can’t I be normal?
Why can’t I be like other women?
Why do men laugh with other women my age and can’t have a laugh or banter with me?
These days with men, I’m kept at arms length.
I’m off the apps. IRL, the men I’m truly attracted to are all taken.

I feel like pulling my hair out. I’m either completely abnormal or I’ve had extremely bad luck.

I am good looking, no better/ no worse than other women and have a lot going for me. I am a good person, kind etc...

But I feel abnormal or like there’s something or a secret I don’t know about.
And with the culture of dating apps and Instagram and the general expectations amongst men my age, I feel like it’s too late for me. I cannot go back in time.

I need help.
I want all the normal things in life like everyone else.
I want to love and be loved. Laugh. Be intimate and connect. Eventually have babies etc
But I can’t even get the opportunity or do any of it.

I hope people understand that, I’m not looking for forever with someone. But what I would like is to connect intimately with someone, have sex.
Have a relationship... or not. But what I am worried about is the fact I am failing to do the most natural thing in the world.


This is not lockdown related. This has been an issue all my life.

Please help.

leggo

Sorry to read all of that OP, and in particular sorry you had to go to through unpleasant experiences and that sexual assault in particular sounds awful, you poor thing.

I don’t think this will be an issue boards will be able to give you significant help with. These kind of issues are often underlying and may relate back to even stuff from childhood when we formed our worldviews, even if we feel our childhood was normal and can’t think of any inciting moments in particular. Even if we managed to help you get into all of that, none of us are either qualified to manage the issue satisfactorily and this isn’t a sufficient medium to do so even if we were.

I feel that it’d be productive of you to take this moment of introspection and willingness to get help, look at the massive impact this is having on your life and goals, and consider counselling (psychotherapy I’d recommend trying to begin with).

Whatever resistance you may have towards that option, if any, ask yourself if talking to a nice person who wants to understand and help guide you to a better situation will really be worse than not being able to live any of your life goals as far as partnership, children etc go? If you find the right person (and it may take a few tries) and give whatever it takes, I guarantee this is something you can overcome in time. Good luck OP.

Caranica

Sorry to hear this op, especially about your assault. Counseling might help with this, the RCC are amazing.

You seem very sure you're heterosexual, but have you considered that you might not be? Wanting to be heterosexual and being so are different things.

You don't mention masturbation, or toys. The confidence that knowing your body and knowing what works for you brings is very important. If you don't use toys I'd seriously recommend lovehoney.eu for a great selection, good prices, discreet packaging and great guides to work out what to buy.

More so than anything else, try to relax, love yourself. Not everyone starts becoming sexually active as a young adult, don't compare or judge yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi all. Thanks for the replies. I know this isn’t a typical RI issue and is a bit unusual.

For everyone’s note - counselling sought and complete.

I have no problem with masturbation and toys. I do that regularly.
It’s the human contact. The intimacy and trusting someone.
Not attracted to women. I’m attracted to and fancy men but I’m scared of them and can never get to intimacy or sex part with them because I am always rejected early on in favour of someone else.
I get on ok with men at work or customers but in terms of my personal life, I have no male friends/ male FWB/ boyfriend etc.
I have a relationship with my father and we are ok. Sometimes we don’t get on but no worse/better than other folks.

Caranica wrote: »

Sorry to hear this op, especially about your assault. Counseling might help with this, the RCC are amazing.

You seem very sure you're heterosexual, but have you considered that you might not be? Wanting to be heterosexual and being so are different things.

You don't mention masturbation, or toys. The confidence that knowing your body and knowing what works for you brings is very important. If you don't use toys I'd seriously recommend lovehoney.eu for a great selection, good prices, discreet packaging and great guides to work out what to buy.

More so than anything else, try to relax, love yourself. Not everyone starts becoming sexually active as a young adult, don't compare or judge yourself.

KaneToad

Womanontheverge2021 wrote: »

. IRL, the men I’m truly attracted to are all taken.

...Please help.

Sorry to hear you're not happy at the minute. One thing that stood out to me is the bit above.

If all the men you encounter are 'taken', you need to be encountering men in more environments. Obviously this pandemic has stalled opportunity for that. But, in normal times, are you a member of any groups/clubs/societies that affords the opportunity to meet new people on a semi-regular basis in a leisure scenario?

LegacyUser

I just wanted to reply even though I don't have much sold advice.

I'm 28/M. I haven't even kissed anyone in the last 6 years and have never had sex.

I'm considering counselling cause I think it's all mental. I'd be relatively average looking kind etc but for some reason theres a block. I think at this age, people expect experience in the bedroom so thats what's holding me back to a certain extent. You don't expect a 28 year old to be fumbling around.

It really does suck though so I feel your pain.

TheadoreT

Would it be a crazy idea to tell some guy you kinda trust on a dating site all this? I'm sure most guys would be happy to go along. Means if you meet to hang out that initial awkwardness shouldn't be there. Doesnt mean you still have to rush into it but often think the best way to deal with something like this is to lay it all out on the table from the get go.

Casual encounters can still be incredibly intimate if you find the right person. Its not as cold as you may think before trying. And I wouldn't be worried about your lack of experience, just literally go with the flow, there's no real wrong way of doing things.

Its not so much I feel you need to get this out of the way, I think you need to just learn to be comfortable with one of lifes greatest pleasures. Be positive not fearful about it and try seeing it as the healthy pursuit it is.

DoozerT6

OP I don't have much advice to give you, but I just wanted to chime in and tell you that you're not alone in feeling like this. I'm also female, although a good bit older than you, and I have also had zero luck in ever forming romantic relationships with men. Full disclosure, I'm not a virgin but a small handful of drunken ONS's does not make for much experience of personal intimacy or learning and growing in the sex department. BTW I was in my late 20's before I lost it on one of the aforementioned ONS's.

I have long thought that for a few people like you and me, at some stage in our mid-teens there must have been a lecture on 'Relationships 101' in school and we missed it and nobody filled us in on it, because flirting/snogging/dating/relationships just seemed to 'happen' for everybody else from that stage, while there are a few among us who are just overlooked. I was never able to generate enough interest from guys (ONS's excluded, and there was always alcohol involved) to get past friendly banter on a night out/in a group/at work, where we might end up going out on a follow-up date. It then becomes a vicious circle of not getting any experience of dating/relationships, to know what it takes to get into and maintain one! Not knowing what that intangible thing is that catches a guy's attention and keeps it on you. Never knowing what it's like to find yourself really attracted to a guy and actually KNOW that he's also attracted to you.


I read similar threads here from people here in their early 20's and I'm like 'damn, how did I not think of any of these issues at their age??' I spent an embarrassing number of years thinking it would just 'happen when I least expected it' blah blah sh!te. Spoiler: that is NOT always the case. Being an older perma-single woman can be very isolating as you just don't have the same life experiences or things in common with the majority of other women your age. You can only orbit around the edges of conversations about family life, partners, kids etc. I really only have one actual friend these days, whom I've known since school. Other women are just acquaintances. They all gravitate towards other married mothers for company because they have things in common and can have deep, personal conversations about their families and kids etc.

Anyway, I witter on about this too much in these sort of threads. One piece of advice OP, you seem to be much, much more self-aware about it than I was at your age. NOW is definitely the time to do something concrete about it. Could you confide in a friend and ask them if they've ever noticed anything on a pre-Covid night out with you that might give you some insight into why you are not generating any interest with men?

LegacyUser

DoozerT6 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post

Yes. Thank you for your post.

Ever since I was a teenager at the discos or in group situations, it was other girls getting the attention.
I was a little too tall and had an overbite which was probably off putting.
But I grew out of all that.
I’ve grown into my own and I am a good looking woman (maybe a flaw or two but so does everybody else?) who looks after herself and stays in shape.
I was overweight in my early twenties as I was working shift work and life got the better of me so I stayed on the couch and mood was low for some time. But I’ve changed all that now and I’m better off.
I would find myself sexually attractive. If there was anything to declare or fix, I would and I would tell you all on here in order to get the right advice but in comparison to other women who are pursued and in relationships or having sex, I am on the same scale.
I’ve been complimented by colleagues and friends etc but.... those compliments don’t reflect in my sex or dating life. How could I be this and that if I’m alone and haven’t had sex ever?

Not much of a drinker but still went out occasionally for the atmosphere and hoped to meet someone. Always left disappointed as I’d spent the night invisible to men who would approach other loud and drunk women. I’d have a drink or two but nothing over the top and I would chat away but men don’t want to chat or know me.

Dating apps were a nightmare with majority of lads collecting women on the apps and creeping on them on social media so any chatting or connection I thought I had with someone I quickly realised it wasn’t genuine and I was being told what I wanted to hear or what they thought I wanted to hear so I’ve given up on them. Don’t want to be used either.

Yes to the poster above. I feel like there has always been a glitch with me compared to other women. As if they just had something I didn’t.
I look at other young girls coming up in their early twenties and they just have it and I don’t.

Is there a smarter way or a proactive way to play this or what is it that other women do to get and keep men’s interest?

YellowLead

OP, you mentioned men would approach other women on nights out and not you. If your mood wasn’t the best could it be that that is reflected in how you appeared to them - nervous or cross? We’re you smiling? Relaxed, happy looking people will attract others.

Are you shy around people in general or is it just that you can’t seem to converse and have it reflected back with men you are attracted to?

I’m very sorry to hear you feel this way and I hope that you can work through it. The apps are tough going alright but I wouldn’t dismiss them altogether - there are some needles in the haystack.

leggo

Honestly, as a man, if a girl I was texting or had been out on a few dates with and liked confided this in me, it wouldn’t be an issue. If anything I’d only become a bit more self-conscious about my own performance because I’d feel obliged to make it memorable or whatever. It’d be appealing in another way, too, because now the door is open to have open conversations about what you like/dislike and you can kind of help teach/mould them in a way that you specifically like. All relationships should ideally have that kind of open dialogue about sex anyway, but what I’ve found can sometimes hinder that is people being a bit too sure in themselves (or insecure too) that they’re not open to feedback or suggestions.

So OP if you find a person you feel like you can trust and want to do this with, I’d definitely say tell them. It’s really not something most decent people would judge someone harshly over. But yeah, I understand the issue is more in the finding someone department and being open to that, so counselling is likely your best COA with that.

bitofabind

Hi OP. There’s nothing wrong with you, except the fact that you THINK there’s something “wrong” with you. That kind of self belief carries with it a lot of long-term behavioural patterns that can be self-fulfilling and confirm the negativity bias that your brain has about who you are. You don’t expect to meet someone, you don’t expect attention or interest, so you don’t project the confidence of a woman who’s had years of believing more positive things about herself. You believe X,Y and Z about yourself and about men, so the world reflects X, Y and Z back at you over and over again.

We’re sold a pup on relationships and romance when we’re growing up and as women can expect that it just “happens”, without any effort or proactivity on our side at all. Sure, a few people meet their lifelong partner very early and others can seem to drift seamlessly in and out of relationships, but most people have to learn and pick up this stuff by trial and error along the way. That includes casual fumbles in the dark, rejection and false starts, dealing with the ridiculousness of dating app encounters, workplace romances, hookups that go nowhere, being let down by the opposite sex, on and on we go. The common factor here is that you have to consistently put yourself out there, without the expectation of anything in return, try to follow your instincts and get back up when things go pear-shaped again and again. Right now you’ve got a big wall of negative beliefs about yourself - “men don’t notice me”, “nothing goes anywhere”, “other women get noticed, it’s never me”, and without climbing over that one it’s going to be virtually impossible to change the experiences you’re having.

I’d echo Leggo’s earlier post about counselling to explore this block because it’s not something any of us here are going to be able to help with, it really is an inside job. If you’ve tried counselling, I’d like to know have you touched on this struggle and these negative beliefs? This is some of the hardest but most life changing work you can do on yourself, and it doesn’t guarantee you’re going to walk out and meet the man of your dreams, but it helps you to see yourself as just as worthy and entitled to happiness and a healthy partner as anyone else out there. That’s half the battle.

Do you have any meaningful relationships with men in your life? You speak about them in a way that makes it seem like you don’t, and this is probably why it’s easy for you to take a me Vs men approach. The thing is, we’re all human, and not having a natural ease around men is going to be 100% picked up on. If someone seems uneasy, insecure, suspicious or uncertain around me, I’m gonna pick up on that and in turn, feel uncomfortable in their company. Whereas if someone is confident, engaging, playful, happy in my company, that energy is going to keep me there all night. That’s where they’re on my radar and we’re building a friendship or a relationship. This is how all relationships work. Most of my own romantic relationships have happened through organic friendships at work, through friends, because of this. The idea of men as scary or I have to wait to meet them in a nightclub or on a dating app and then compete with other women for their attention is a bit alien to me. Sounds horrible, I’m not surprised you’ve not been enjoying that. I think you need to start at the beginning here and find a way to find that comfort zone where men are just people you can laugh with and confide in and get rid of this fear of inadequacy and rejection that you have.

seenitall

Hi OP,

Sexiness is attractive, it’s like a siren call to men. And sexiness isn’t in a cute short dress, or the high heels (I almost never wear them, far too much pain and hassle) or a perfect ‘smokey eyes’ look; sexiness is in two words only: loving sex.
You are currently in a vicious circle of finding men a foreign proposition and being scared of intimacy with them, which leads you to subconsciously project “keep away, boy, don’t even think about it!” vibe when in their company, even while you are being sociable and chatty and what have you - something like 90% of human communication is non-verbal, meaning in our body language, our mannerisms, the unintentional looks we give to people. And the vicious circle then closes by men heeding your vibes and you ending up merely on the outskirts of where all the fun action is happening.

Your story reminds me of a nice enough guy I know, in his 50s now, who would all his life have dearly loved to have a girlfriend yet it never really happened. Why? Because his attitude to courting and seduction is extremely negative; he the sees the act of pursuing a woman as “acting like a performing monkey” for some (unfathomable to me) reason, and has never found a way to reconcile this attitude with things that need to be done to initiate a healthy, loving relationship - things that most people actually associate with fun, pleasure, romance, falling in love. And unfortunately but also unsurprisingly, no woman has ever just fallen into his lap of her own accord either. It’s such a waste, as he otherwise has a lot to offer to someone as a partner but will likely stay single all his life now. It’s not that you yourself remind me of him, but there is a parallel there in that there is a mental block in your mind about men/dating/intimacy and if you don’t crack that block by whatever means necessary, you’re going to find yourself in my friend’s position eventually. You have got to do it, go to counselling to work it all out if need be, but crucially, you have to do some scary scary siht, like actually making male friends, seeing men as partners in fun and laughs rather than strange species or adversaries, and eventually actually TRUSTING a man to get close... very close.

It’s a helluva road to embark on, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, a single step is the beginning of thousand mile journey etc etc. Good luck with it!

bitofabind

Agree totally with Seenitall. OP, now is the time to fight for your future and get to the root of these issues. And that will take time. And you can’t do it alone, you need to find a professional that you trust and can open up to. It’s highly likely that the block goes right back to childhood and what you learned then about relationships and love and attachment. That’s not something that goes away without being unravelled in a very painful and lengthy way, but the net result is that you start to love and respect yourself and the outside world begins to reflect that.

For some reason you’re protecting yourself from intimacy and love and playing out a pattern that makes you miserable, but is deeply familiar. Get to the heart of that and everything will change for the better.

Airyfairy12

Your not abnormal at all, it sounds like to me that you want to meet someone, date for a few weeks or months, get to know them build a connection and then build up to sex that way. That sounds ideal in my opinion but unfortunately we live in a culture were one night stands and FWB scenarios with random people met online or in pubs & clubs is completely normalized and your seen as different or at worst prudish and boring if you don't engage with this culture. Its hard to be one way when everyone else seems to be a totally different way.
Theres nothing wrong with wanting to trust someone before you get intimate and im sure that allot of men would be fine with this too despite how it might seem that everyone is just looking for quick sex.
In my opinion it sounds like the biggest issue youre having is progressing dates beyond a certain point. Something happens and it fizzles out or they ghost you. I would think that being quite inexperienced with sex, relationships & men in general, you might miss red flags, not fully understand what youre likes/dislikes & interests are when it comes to men which cant be helping you. You said youve tried to persue men that arent your type or youre not interested in for the sake of a relationship. This is a very unhealthy approach in my opinion, I would strongly discourage anyone from getting into relationships for the sake of being in one.

As for your intimacy issues, this could be rooted in anything, it could be rooted in childhood or infancy but for these issues & your sexual abuse experience, id really suggest speaking to a good, qualified psychotherapist that can help you figure this all out.

With all that said, dating is hard, allot of people are very superficial & vapid only interested in someone who looks like they have an instagram models lifestyle, or will only date someone who has their own home or a high paying job, or wont give anyone a chance unless they look a very particular way, my friend went on a date with a man who told her he wasn't interested because she was wearing too much makeup and he only likes women who are natural. There's lots of people who are just looking for sex and then there's people who are looking for relationships but have lots of red flags and are to be avoided. Dating is a minefield.

TheadoreT

You've a few dim views on things that are acting as unnecessary hurdles for you. You speak poorly about drunk and loud women getting attention over you on nights out. It comes across judgemental tbh. Try going on nights out with the initial objection of having a good time, if you're constantly worried about will this ever happen and analysing those who you perceive are having more success you'll just be miserable and this will probably come across. Happy and confident people attract others, not drunk and loud.

The other very dim view you have is about online dating. Of course there are those (men and women) who abuse it but there's also a huge amount who are genuine too. Its a very easy means of introduction before you ideally meet the person in real life. Youre building this falsehood that all men there are almost lecherous to validate your own perceived failings, its simply untrue and again judgemental.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Gruffalux, I have deleted your post. Suggesting the OP seek services that are illegal here is not permitted.

Please read the Charter before posting in PI/RI again and ensure your posts are in line with it going forward.

Thanks

HS

LegacyUser

I have a relationship with my father but it can be strained and I reject him a lot. I don’t know why but if he tries to chat and talk to me, I get annoyed with him. He wasn’t always so nice when I was younger, he was and still can be very irritable and argumentative. I’ve tried to stop how I react but it’s automatic. I don’t know why.

I’m at a complete loss.
Anyone I meet face to face now is at work and they are all in relationships or engaged. They are younger and my age and I feel so awkward like the odd one out.
I don’t want a relationship for the sake of it but I feel so alone and abnormal as if I’m not worthy of love or affection. At this point, I’m starting to accept I may never meet someone or have a relationship so now my hope is to find someone to have sex or something casual but I actually am starting to believe a relationship isn’t meant for me or not in the cards for me.
I’ve tried.
I often cry about it. I just feel so abnormal and unlovable.


I rejoined a dating app and I feel ten times worse. All headwreckers. It’s just bizarre. Makes it hard to trust someone to be genuinely instrested in sex and possible dating.

Why would most men my age be more content with having 20 girls virtually in their pocket to creep on than having sex in reality with one girl? I can never understand that.

I feel defeated. But also pre judged. Even dates I did go on, rejected so early on.

bitofabind

Womanontheverge2021 wrote: »

At this point, I’m starting to accept I may never meet someone or have a relationship so now my hope is to find someone to have sex or something casual but I actually am starting to believe a relationship isn’t meant for me or not in the cards for me.

And maybe you won't meet someone, so what? Statistically it's likely that you will, but maybe you won't, and if you don't, do you want to spend your life feeling "less than" and "abnormal" and "like the odd one out", or do you want to value your life and make the most of the time you have on the face of this earth?

Again OP, there's a whole host of negative beliefs here that are just stories you've been telling yourself for decades, but that can be flipped around once you start to do the work on yourself and build up your confidence and sense of who you are. That's where everything changes. If you think counselling has been "sought and complete" then you are wrong - you haven't found the right person and you haven't worked on these personal issues. Demand the support you need. Do your research, find a therapist that specialises in relationship issues, set the agenda with that person and face this head on. Try a few counsellors, sometimes finding the right one takes time and resilience.

You're not "damaged" or "abnormal" for not having had a relationship and your value as a person doesn't hinge on this issue.

Caranica

OP unfortunately it's a vicious circle. To be attractive to the good guys, you first need to love yourself. When you're so hard on yourself you will attract the type who prey on women with low self esteem, particularly on the apps.

Have you tried mindfulness, it seems to work for some people? There are also workshops on specific confidences. I'm currently doing one about loving the body you have and dressing to make the most of it, because despite being small I still have some body confidence issues. I'm loving every bit of it.

I guess I'm lucky, I literally turned 30 and decided that I am awesome and if anyone didn't like it they could feck off. I became a different person, and so much happier, even if it did mean a relationship breakdown. I've found it so much easier to meet people now that I love myself, honestly it will make such a difference to you. Loving yourself will make you so much more open to being loved and the sex thing will follow. Try not to stress about it, and get on with living life.

ulster

Womanontheverge2021 wrote: »

I have a relationship with my father but it can be strained and I reject him a lot. I don’t know why but if he tries to chat and talk to me, I get annoyed with him. He wasn’t always so nice when I was younger, he was and still can be very irritable and argumentative. I’ve tried to stop how I react but it’s automatic. I don’t know why.

I’m at a complete loss.
Anyone I meet face to face now is at work and they are all in relationships or engaged. They are younger and my age and I feel so awkward like the odd one out.
I don’t want a relationship for the sake of it but I feel so alone and abnormal as if I’m not worthy of love or affection. At this point, I’m starting to accept I may never meet someone or have a relationship so now my hope is to find someone to have sex or something casual but I actually am starting to believe a relationship isn’t meant for me or not in the cards for me.
I’ve tried.
I often cry about it. I just feel so abnormal and unlovable.


I rejoined a dating app and I feel ten times worse. All headwreckers. It’s just bizarre. Makes it hard to trust someone to be genuinely instrested in sex and possible dating.

Why would most men my age be more content with having 20 girls virtually in their pocket to creep on than having sex in reality with one girl? I can never understand that.

I feel defeated. But also pre judged. Even dates I did go on, rejected so early on.

Oh please delete the likes of dating apps. These won't do you any good, going by what you've told us.

Look into CBT or counseling. You've got to get all this stuff out - especially about your Dad.

Good luck.

Sunny Disposition

Very sorry to hear you feel so bad OP, and also to hear about the sexual assault.
I’d really advise you to get more counselling, if you’ve been already you still haven’t got to the root of the issues.
You will get there if you work at it, but it might take a lot of effort, but I guarantee it’s worth trying.
People put relationships on a pedestal and feel they need experience etc, but really what’s more important is to be honest about where you are at.

Rubberchikken

Op maybe more counselling would help.
I'm sorry about the sexual assault. That in itself is so damaging and the full extent is often hidden or overlooked.
Take care

40HappyYears

Op from the sounds of it you are sexual, but just have never met anyone you want to be sexual with.

Look the truth is that those apps are useless. They do not work because meeting people is meant to be a spontaneous thing. Those apps inflate a sense of achievement for both the girls and guys who use them but the completly ruin the social aspect of meeting someone.

Before my wife and I met she would always be open to meeting someone, she would do extra activities to meet people which led to a genuine connection with me. My sister's husband worked with my wife and my wife offered to show her dog to my sisters kids and 2 years later we were married.

I was a bit like you too, I had a wild youth but I quit drinking when I was 22 and as a result I didn't hook up with people the drunken way and became very picky, I wanted it to be special. When I met my wife we didn't have sex for ages, we didn't even kiss until the third date. But we felt very comfortable with each other when we finally did and that was important to both of us.

Don't think because you are 30 and single that you have to change your values. Don't just give it up to some guy on tinder because he managed to convince you into exchanging nude photos.

I know with covid it not the best advice but if I were you I would be going on meetup.com and looking for things to do so you have authentic introduction with people and not just from behind a screen.

Another thing, sex can be awakard the first time with anyone new, not just the first time you have it. Yeah sometimes you click and it's amazing but sometimes you have to get to know the person before it becomes amazing. The best sex is the sex you have with someone you love and who loves you.

The chan chan man

2021march wrote: »

I just wanted to reply even though I don't have much sold advice.

I'm 28/M. I haven't even kissed anyone in the last 6 years and have never had sex.

I'm considering counselling cause I think it's all mental. I'd be relatively average looking kind etc but for some reason theres a block. I think at this age, people expect experience in the bedroom so thats what's holding me back to a certain extent. You don't expect a 28 year old to be fumbling around.

It really does suck though so I feel your pain.

Hey, listen, it took me decades to finally lose my virginity. I now have a wife and kids and im still fumbling around.. Don’t worry about it, life is about so much more - and it took me a few more decades to figure that one out too.

frank697x

dont worry about being a virgin woman , this is a tressure , stay purified and wait for the one who will love you for it ,

Rubberchikken

mod note

frank697x wrote: »

dont worry about being a virgin woman , this is a tressure , stay purified and wait for the one who will love you for it ,

frank697 in PI it's better to post helpful opinions/information to support Op.

Rubberchikken

JustAThought

OP - don’t panic - men ARE a soecies that can’t be easily understood and there are lots of women who find themselves in the same position as you - fun, good looking, successful, attractive, moderately well balanced people who find it very hard to meet someone they want to date or have a relationship with let alone anything else. Don’t get hooked into counselling - its a bottomless put and really what you need is a good spread of available choice in a real situation. Covid ha made it extra hard to meet anyone - and I suspect there’ll be a lot of relationships of convenience over by the time we are all released. I’d also suggest something like a team mixed sport when this is over - something that gets you inna team and social setting and a situation where you can do matches or comps with a wider series of other people as well as your core group - tag rugby, mixed social cycling clubs, mixed training clubs like running or beginners surfing ir if you’re a fittie (easy) triathalon that are often dominated by men. Stay well away from wommeney groups like hillwalking, languages or cinema/theatre. It will come right - don’t worry. You are normal, its just been bad luck and lack of opportunity. Men are like novelty busses - nothing for a decade and then three together. Not that I’m suggesting that - three is two too much trouble!!!
Have you a single female ‘wingman’ - maybe when this is over you could do a hostel trip somewhere - not too romantic ir upmarket a venue and somewhere you can meet and mix with other travellers - Berlin, A camping music featival - you need a boost - a footloose gamechanger to get you kickstarted - don’t burn too much importance into your first one - just hold on little longer till we are all released and it will come right for you.

Like the bus analogy the first one might be like tour first car - it may not be perfect but should have all working parts and go and might be great to get you started!!

JustAThought

PS online dating IS soul destroying!!!