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So angry, need help releasing it

  • 27-02-2021 1:40pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I am full of anger recently for a variety of reasons, and it's making life really uncomfortable and hard. The main thing I'm angry about is my brother's behaviour. He is selfish lazy and disrespectful. He has no respect for boundaries or for anyone else and it's causing me so much anger which has been building. I can't speak to him about it because he is so emotionally immature and hositile so there's no point because it will make things worse. He lives with my mother who is unwell and dependent on him for care and yet he won't even get out of bed to help her with breakfast or clean the house. (He's 30).

    So anyway, I can only do the best I can with this and I can't change him. However the anger I feel is intense. I can't sleep because I ruminate about his behaviour and I also worry for him. I really need to disentangle myself but I also need to release all this pent up anger but I've no idea how.

    Any thoughts on ways to release anger would be really appreciated. Thank you.


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    Are you living with them? If so, move out and encourage him to do the same. It's an environment that serves to infantalise 2 adults.

    No doubt there's other aspects of your life that aren't perfect so you're zooming in on your brother's supposed behaviour. To quote the bible.. "You hypocrite! First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye."

    How you can help?

    Phone a cleaning company and have them come once a week to give the place a professional clean.

    Try to visit once a week to keep clutter to a minimum.
    As for your mother and her breakfasts. It depends on how feeble she is. Can she microwave some porridge and make a cup of tea? If not, apply for home help-the help provided won't be huge but it's important to get her on the system early. You'll probably find the cost of private carers is very reasonable too.

    And well.. See a counsellor. Your relationship with your brother likely goes back 20+ years and your resentment didn't just appear in the past few months because he likes a lie in.

    Remember too, your mother raised him and she has him that way.

    Just to address your point about releasing anger.. It's not just a thing about smashing plates or hitting a punchbag. You're the one generating the anger, not your brother. Even if you release it, it's just going to come back with a vengeance. You'll go from anger level 3 to 10.
    I gave some practical advice to removing yourself from the dynamic that's causing you frustration. When you've done that, try finding a more positive outlet for your energy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 59 ✭✭FionMc


    I recommend you try sleep hypnosis on Youtube. Search for Michael Sealey. Its not a one time fix all solution. Listen every night for about 30 days. its like going to the gym you need to practice, but here, in the situation you need to letting go of your stresses and worries


  • Registered Users Posts: 260 ✭✭BingCrosbee


    FionMc wrote: »
    I recommend you try sleep hypnosis on Youtube. Search for Michael Sealey. Its not a one time fix all solution. Listen every night for about 30 days. its like going to the gym you need to practice, but here, in the situation you need to letting go of your stresses and worries

    That’s the sort of bull****e he can do without. His is a real world problem. What horse****e. You obviosly don’t live in the real world.


  • Registered Users Posts: 59 ✭✭FionMc


    That’s the sort of bull****e he can do without. His is a real world problem. What horse****e. You obviously don’t live in the real world.

    Is it bull because you've tried it and it wasn't effective? Or is it bull because just because you say so? Who are you again?


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I have a similar problem brother. I cut him out of my life years ago because he brought nothing but trouble upon me.

    The anger you feel is relatable, it's linked to the fact that you want him to change his behaviour but you know there's nothing you can do about it. You can't control the behaviour of others, only your reaction to it. You have to make peace with your lack of control over him.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 795 ✭✭✭FrankC21


    I don't live with my little brother now and I have my own family, bit similar situation before, my brother was lazy as f**k night out drinks and smokes his wages, won't help around the house and stuff, even how many times I told him about how immature he was he won't listen to me, however when I move out of the house and I started my own family he somehow changed he got his s***t together, he stopped smoking and drinking, he got a good job now, do not know what happened.

    My theory was that I am the eldest he probably saw that I was doing well become responsible adult and happy he probably realised something, another theory he got heartbroken and only way to make up for it is to get his s**t I should talk to him and find out.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Okay so first off your issue is actually your anger and inability to sleep. Your brother and that situation is what you're attaching to that issue as a reason, but the actual problem is how you emotionally respond to difficult situations and the affect that has on your life.

    This is important to differentiate because:

    a) You cannot control or change your brother's behaviour and,
    b) Of what you can control, you'll actually be able to strategise and come up with a better plan once your emotions are under control.

    So instead of treating the issue, if you see anger as a small fire, you're actually pouring fuel on it by letting yourself get angrier and angrier about your brother and a situation you can't control. It's like having a cough and, instead of taking antibiotics and treating the issue, responding to it by saying "It's getting me so stressed I'm smoking 40 a day." We can identify this as a ridiculous response that'll only exacerbate the problem for physical ailments, but when it comes to ailments of the mind like anger, anxiety etc, we're slower to identify that.

    Learn to identify and treat the symptoms. Mindfulness is one approach that is great for grounding you and letting you get back to a rational state of mind, I'd recommend the Headspace app for this. Someone rubbished it already (by trying to suggest you fix your brother, bad advice that's a hiding to nothing and I reckon you've been trying for months already IMO) but if hypnosis works for you...who cares what some random on boards thinks? Take an anger management course or do some counselling if need be. There are countless steps and it's kinda like quitting smoking: different things will work for people so you just need to figure out the one that clicks for you.

    But the start of dealing with this is to stop blaming others for your mismanagement of your own emotions. That's what's stopping you sleeping. I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling that way about your brother and that his behaviour is good, but you being an exhausted ball of anger permanently isn't going to fix the situation. So start to separate the two, treat the anger and you'll be in a much better place.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    That’s the sort of bull****e he can do without. His is a real world problem. What horse****e. You obviosly don’t live in the real world.
    FionMc wrote: »
    Is it bull because you've tried it and it wasn't effective? Or is it bull because just because you say so? Who are you again?


    Mod:
    The two of you - cut out the sniping or you'll both be getting warnings. Replies to the OP should be civil and constructive and addressed to the OP. If you've better advice, give it. If you've no advice to give, don't post.


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