Wife sick. Caring for her and kids while working

LegacyUser

Hi, I have two full on young babies at home and now my wife who is a stay at home wife has health issues and needs an operation with a long recovery period. She’s stuck to being on the couch or being in bed. I’m working full time and now due to Covid lockdown I’m working from home, which is good timing I guess but my work is definitely affected from taking care of my wife and children. I don’t get a second, even right now I have my one year old shouting and hanging out of me when I’m trying to write this.. how am I supposed to work aswell while feeding, clothing, entertaining etc??? AGHHHHH.. I’ve three full on dependants. I’m so isolated and lonely, no one to talk to about this and if I open my mouth I would think everyone would think I’m being selfish. I’m finding it so hard and have no support group and can’t afford childcare. I moved to my wife’s town when we got married but her support group is awful, she hates her sister and mother and my family are on the other side of the country. My work needs me to be on calls during the day and sometimes go to the office but I CANNOT DO ANY OF THIS, my wife is on the couch/bed all day while we wait for operation date and the babies are FULL ON from the moment they wake up to when they go to bed. How am I supposed to be on a call concentrating on work while kids are screaming. I try my best to keep communications to email only but nothing is getting done, projects failing. Then at night the baby wakes up average 3 times a night, so I’m losing sleep on top of this as my wife can’t go into the baby. I’m so stressed trying to keep my boss happy enough. We can’t afford for me to lose my job, we’d be so inundated financially. I dont know why I’m here, I just need to vent but jaysus this is so hard. If anyone else has gone through anything like this please give some advise, I feel like I’m on my own

YellowLead

Hi OP,

I know you said you can’t afford childcare - could you for 1 or 2 days a week? There are plenty of childminders who work part time and you might be lucky to find one locally. That way you know you have 1 or 2 days a week where you can really focus on work and try arrange your calls for those days.

I know your family are on the other side of the country and can’t assist practically - but would you talk to them anyway? If you are close to your mother opening up and a good chat on the phone would help a little to ease that feeling of aloneness.

You may think you are failing but you are doing so well, you are a hero every day.

zoobizoo

Howya OP,

that is tough and I don't think anyone would think that it wouldn't be difficult so no one, no one at all would think that it is selfish on your part if you mentioned it to them.

My wife is going back to work full time in 2 weeks... I've a 3 year old and an 8 month old..... . lucky for me my work is part time now and flexible.... and I'm worried about how I'm going to cope.

We have a childminder for 2/3 hours a day who looks after the 3 year old. It's a small enough cost to pay to ensure that jobs are kept, work gets done and you retain some sanity.


Have you a spare room for an au pair? I'm serious here. They can work out fairly cost effective.

Talk to your friends / family to see if there is any help that they can give you.

strandroad

You seem to be keen on working through a major family crisis, is your company unsupportive? What are your leave options? Can you have anything like compassionate, medical accommodation or carer's leave?

cowboyjoe

Tell your company and extended family the situation, let your boss know what life is really like. You have to let them know what is going on. Allowances can then be made for you.

Then look up rollercoaster.ie or mindme childminding sites. Even 2 hours or more a day help would make a huge difference. Can you rope in any close family or neighbors for a few hours each day, even with Covid this is clearly a family emergency for you and some outside help is essential for you, wife and children.

I was doing the same minding, wife was full time working upstairs and I had responsibility for 2 x 1 year old twins and a 3 year old. You need help. Eventually found a childminder to come in and help.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Check out if you can get some form of compassionate leave from your job. You definitely need to discuss this with your boss and explore the options. Annual leave, compassionate leave, 3 day week, unpaid leave, force majure - look into everything.

Get working on an application for carers allowance today. discuss with GP and see if you are entitled while you wait on op and recovery to this allowance. It might make unpaid leave possible, or part time work. Local Councillor/TD's can advise on eligibility.

Can someone from your family move in with you for a short period, to support you, if getting support from her family is ruled out. If you had a brother/sister/niece/nephew that was the right age they could help big time with the kids. I have to say that a family crisis is the time to reach out for help.

Being on call 24hrs is exhausting. You already know you cannot go on indefinitely as things are.

But you may also be able to do practical stuff to help you manage the hours in the day better!

Batch cooking. can you cook multiple meals at the weekend and have them refrigerated or frozen and ready to go during the week when you time is tighter? things like spag bol reheat very well and can mean 10 mins popping out a dinner instead of an hour.

Online shopping - if you not already, its a timesaver.

Keep a calendar. i put up a white board in the kitchen - to organize appointments/GP visits/ etc.

Prioritise - you dont need to be cooking every meal from scratch, and keeping a tidy house and organising an entertainment schedule for the kids, and managing meds every day.

Neyite

You might not be able to get childcare - but could friends of you both help you out at all? Take the kids out for an hour?

The other suggestion I have would be to check in with your local district nurse. Sometimes they are amazing for the resources and home help options the are able to provide.

And I agree you need to talk to your employer, you might find them very flexible and helpful.

Ratcatcher100

au pair is the way to go, live in, cheap do house work & kids maybe not cooking as they usually cant but just someone there to help you feel less over whelmed.

Dial Hard

Ratcatcher100 wrote: »

au pair is the way to go, live in, cheap do house work & kids maybe not cooking as they usually cant but just someone there to help you feel less over whelmed.

Pretty sure au pairs have been entitled to minimum wage for a few years now so nowhere near as cheap as they used to be (and rightly so, imo).

OP, I strongly echo the advice from others here to talk to your employer. I simply can't see how you can make this work while trying to work full time.

shesty

Speak to your employer about your situation first.

Check childminding.ie and schooldays.ie for even a part time minder.Hang a notice in a shop.Ask your neighbours.Honest to god you have to stick your neck out here and ask for help.Even if you got a few hours a couple of mornings a week, it would be half the battle.

You cannot maintain this.I think most parents here are speaking from experience now!!How old are your kids, is one entitled to ECCE yet, and does the baby nap.Is there a local playschool that would even take one a bit earlier in age (ours starts at 2.5 years) so you would be down to the one child for a bit.Can your wife do jigsaws or colouring or anything with one while the other naps, and give you an hour or so of time.

pwurple

Work is the first stop here. Get some headspace. Force majeure. Parental leave. Whatever it takes.

Is that relationship with sister and mother at all salvageable?

And I second the neighbours / friends. Even in non covid times, when everyone is healthy, we all need support networks. Your local community will have this somehow. Networks of neighbours who help out. Ask in the local shop. Or the local councillor, maybe even the scouts, gaa group, church. Call in those reinforcements.

The situation with your wife. Can she be set up better in any way? Have certain things to hand or nearby? Or if it's her back, could a backbrace or any other medical support help?

If you are under financial stress, phone the bank and take a mortgage break.

Ellie2008

OP in the longer term would you consider moving to where your family are for help. Can your wife bury the hatchet with her mother and/or sister & reach out to them for help?

antix80

Hi op. Your kids will push your buttons, especially if you're stressed.
I think you need to get smart in how you get through the next year.. Now isn't the time for saving money or even concentrating on your career. All that can wait. This is an emergency situation and you have to treat it like one. It will pass, but just recognise it for what it is.

1. Do you have savings? Pay for a childminder. Plenty will work for a tenner an hour. More experienced ones will work from their own home and this has fewer potential tax implications for you and will give you and your wife breathing space.
2. Do you have a mortgage? Take a payment holiday or go interest only if you're under financial pressure.
3. Explain to your job your situation. Would a 4 day week help, temporarily? Can you schedule calls to only be at a certain time so you can accommodate them?.. They can't expect you to be able to take calls at the drop of a hat when giving more flexibility to female employees.
4. I mentioned kids will push your buttons. If your wife wasnt there you could potentially realise they play up when you leave the room with your laptop. Not saying this is a good idea but you could pop them in a playpen, go upstairs and let them cry it out... But with your wife there, she would be on edge and you'll be in edge knowing she's upset. So.. Just be aware that's a source of stress
.. Crying kids.
5. Draft family and friends in. Or even a college student doing distant learning due to covid. They can keep your wife company and entertain your kids. You could then take calls from your car, garage or garden.. No disruptions.
6. Sick leave. I took 3 weeks off at the beginning of the year plus the 1.5weeks at xmas due to a downright hostile work environment. Came back.. Most of the crap i needed wasn't even ready. Caught up in no time. Updated my linkedin. Did an online course. Took some AL. My job isn't handy, i was just in the weeds and getting dragged down. People are worried sick leave can affect your career but at some stage you need to realise if your job isn't part of the solution it's part of the problem. Take a month.. Admit to yourself and your GP you need help. Concentrate on what's important and if your employer doesn't like it they can lump it.

Bythefire

Hi OP, sorry to hear you are going through all this.

Re childcare, just checked with friends, the National Childcare Scheme is there to support working families. You apply and get an amount approved based on income, the creche deduct that amount and you top up if required. Friends get most of their fees paid through it. One said to ring the County Childcare Committee and they give advice.

It's also worth talking to your employer to see if you can reduce your hours or take some leave, if they know the pressure you are under, I'm sure they will help.

I think you should have a chat with your wife and explain the pressure and ask her what she thinks you can do to solve the problem. Do it when the kids are asleep when you are able to really talk.

Xterminator

Xterminator wrote: »

Get working on an application for carers allowance today. discuss with GP and see if you are entitled while you wait on op and recovery to this allowance. It might make unpaid leave possible, or part time work. Local Councillor/TD's can advise on eligibility.

Definitely look into this, you could qualify for carer's allowance and also work up to 18.5 hours a week, which might make things a bit more manageable for you.

Carer's leave is something else you could look into also, if you can take it, even for the minimum 13 weeks if your wife's operation will be soon? It's unpaid (by your employer), but your job is kept open for you.

You do need to talk to your employer, and let them know what you are up against.

TheBoyConor

You do realise that what you are doing, many many many mothers across the country do (and in a lot of cases are expected to do) the exact same thing and just get on with it, do what needs to be done, and don't complain. Many mothers and wives have to take care of small children, perhaps care for an elderly or special needs relative, do all the housework and hold down a job too, never asking and rarely getting recognition or thanks for any of it. Like the super wives and supermums across the country, you just have to grin a bear it and keep on going because, to be honest, there isn't any choice to do anything different. Pull on your big boy pants and get on with the job at hand.

TheBlock

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You do realise that what you are doing, many many many mothers across the country do (and in a lot of cases are expected to do) the exact same thing and just get on with it, do what needs to be done, and don't complain. Many mothers and wives have to take care of small children, perhaps care for an elderly or special needs relative, do all the housework and hold down a job too, never asking and rarely getting recognition or thanks for any of it. Like the super wives and supermums across the country, you just have to grin a bear it and keep on going because, to be honest, there isn't any choice to do anything different. Pull on your big boy pants and get on with the job at hand.

SoRry but this is tripe and i no way helpful to the OP.

OP as mentioned by others try and fugure out some part time help with the kids even it's only a baby sitter for a couple of hours a day. Best of luck keep your head up.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

TheBoyConor, belittling an OP by telling them to 'pull up their big boy pants' is against the Charter here in PI/RI. A yellow card has been applied.

Please make sure your posts do not fall short of the Charter going forward.

HS

Ellie2008

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You do realise that what you are doing, many many many mothers across the country do (and in a lot of cases are expected to do) the exact same thing and just get on with it, do what needs to be done, and don't complain. Many mothers and wives have to take care of small children, perhaps care for an elderly or special needs relative, do all the housework and hold down a job too, never asking and rarely getting recognition or thanks for any of it. Like the super wives and supermums across the country, you just have to grin a bear it and keep on going because, to be honest, there isn't any choice to do anything different. Pull on your big boy pants and get on with the job at hand.

This isn’t accurate. The OP’s wife is essentially crippled on the couch, you talk about it as if it’s BAU, it isn’t.

OP Is echo a lot of the advice. Keep communication lines open with your managers, your bank etc. I think communication really is key to enable people to help you.

YellowLead

OP I think the best advice here has been to talk to your employer as a first port of call, in addition to trying to get even 1 day a week childcare.

Triangle

Stuck128912 wrote: »

Hi, I have two full on young babies at home and now my wife who is a stay at home wife has health issues and needs an operation with a long recovery period. She’s stuck to being on the couch or being in bed. I’m working full time and now due to Covid lockdown I’m working from home, which is good timing I guess but my work is definitely affected from taking care of my wife and children. I don’t get a second, even right now I have my one year old shouting and hanging out of me when I’m trying to write this.. how am I supposed to work aswell while feeding, clothing, entertaining etc??? AGHHHHH.. I’ve three full on dependants. I’m so isolated and lonely, no one to talk to about this and if I open my mouth I would think everyone would think I’m being selfish. I’m finding it so hard and have no support group and can’t afford childcare. I moved to my wife’s town when we got married but her support group is awful, she hates her sister and mother and my family are on the other side of the country. My work needs me to be on calls during the day and sometimes go to the office but I CANNOT DO ANY OF THIS, my wife is on the couch/bed all day while we wait for operation date and the babies are FULL ON from the moment they wake up to when they go to bed. How am I supposed to be on a call concentrating on work while kids are screaming. I try my best to keep communications to email only but nothing is getting done, projects failing. Then at night the baby wakes up average 3 times a night, so I’m losing sleep on top of this as my wife can’t go into the baby. I’m so stressed trying to keep my boss happy enough. We can’t afford for me to lose my job, we’d be so inundated financially. I dont know why I’m here, I just need to vent but jaysus this is so hard. If anyone else has gone through anything like this please give some advise, I feel like I’m on my own

I've been through almost the exact same thing, but easier as I had my mother in law help out (mind the kids and her daughter when I went to work - pre covid) and the kids were older (but 3). It was extremely tough, but hearing you're story now makes what I went through a walk in the park.

Whatever you do, it's essential to find some way to make time for yourself. Get away from the house and recharge the batteries.
I burnt out and went through a dark time as I didn't take care of myself.

Best of luck.

Edit: even if you're wife doesn't get along with her sister, that's no reason for running you into the ground. If needed ask her to mind the kids for a bit to help you out.

On re-read of the original post, I do think your wife needs to think again about how you are struggling to cope with all this, and even if she can't stand her sister and mother, she should reach out and ask for them for some help for your sake.

It will do no-one any good if you burn out and end up ill too.