Huge problem accepting myself and very lonely

LegacyUser

Im a 37yr old male who was bullied quite badly for being gay when i was growing up. The bullying was physical and emotional and went on for all my school years, damaging me so much I dropped out of college without giving it a chance, and worked in mediocre jobs for a few years with very little confidence. Happily, I went for counselling at 30 and started to accept my sexuality a bit more, I even went back to college and got a degree and now work full time in a job I enjoy and am good at.

But years of having no friends or not trusting people has left me very lonely and I have put on this stupid suit of armour around myself that im "normal and interesting" and not gay at all. Its a leftover defense mechanism from my childhood that I find hard to shake off- I often pretend Im a much more interesting person that I am, because I am quite a boring person. I only read, watch tv and help my family with stuff around the house when the emptiness in my flat becomes too much. I like to travel but all solo trips so yeah, very dull person. And I think people can almost smell it off me so my instinct when talking to people at work or anyone I meet is to pretend Im rich, interesting, mysterious, anything to get them to like me and not reject me. And i know how sad that sounds for a man my age, plus at least Im aware enough to know that this isnt healthy- pretending to be someone else is placing a huge burden on my mental health. Why cant i just be myself, whatever that means, and take the arrows and slings of life like everyone else?

Maybe I need to re-explore counselling because although I no longer think I was a born freak, Im still having big trouble accepting myself. I often daydream about all the normal lads in my town who all have established groups of friends who they will always have and will always accept them. I never had that, the resentment is strong at times even though Im sure the grass isnt always greener. But the fact remains people are only ever interested in interesting and exciting people who do exciting things. Thats been my experience anyway and Im sorry but I cant be doing much these days due to lockdown and its really exposing how sad and lonely I am.

Sorry for the long post. My issue here is, how to be ok with being a gay man and be happy in my skin and not to be wasting my life looking longingly at a life in others that may not even be real?? Thanks for reading.

ongarboy

OP, sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time and in particular, that you had such a difficult childhood and and growing up experience.

The lockdown is tough on everyone but it does seem to exacerbate things if you weren't happy previously or had issues that don't disappear just because we are in the midst of a pandemic. One thing I would advise, if at all possible, is to stop pretending to others to be leading a life that you aren't. It must be so exhausting trying to remember all the white lies, cover stories and fibs so you don't contradict or catch yourself out. There's only one truth so it is so much easier and liberating to tell it and be true to yourself no matter how mundane or un-sexy you think it may be. Others are not as absorbed in the details of your life as you think they are.

You mentioned the grass being greener. When we're unhappy, we always assume everyone else around us has it better. That's not necessarily true. Many people are struggling but put on facades not too unlike yours perhaps. I think some more counselling would be invaluable for you to discuss the issues you've outlined in your post. You seem to be very hard on yourself. Try and show yourself a bit of compassion too. It's never too late to make new friends or meet new people(admittedly that is challenging in the immediate short term but post lockdown, there are opportunities out there for you).

I went from being a bullied, friendless gay (but in denial) teenager to moving to a new city where I knew absolutely no-one but slowly (and certainly not without setbacks and lots of times questioning my likeability and whether I belonged) I made new friends at different workplaces, through acquaintances, through blind dates and various other circumstances and eventually formed a solid social circle of friends (which also has changed and evolved over the years). This also helped my coming out process and in turn it helped me to meet my wonderful partner during all of this and we are together 16 years this month! None of that would have happened if I didn't put myself out there, took baby steps to start believing in myself or took risks despite my difficult early years.

As I said above, try to be kinder to yourself. You can start by being honest to yourself and others by dropping the tales and white lies of an imaginary lifestyle you mistakenly feel the need to project. They serve no purpose other than make you feel unhappy and you know you don't want that. Instead start living your real life, warts and all. It will feel and be far more authentic. Best of luck!

bellylint

hello sir,
The majority of people that you meet as an adult do not engage with new people based on their history. It's a random chaotic assortment of reason why you end up speaking to people. Making new friends is not an easy process, it is something I excel at, I have a moniker of "the incredible friend making machine" and trust me it is not easy. The danger is that we put this challenge down to our inadequacies. You will never meet a more severe critic about yourself than yourself. You are privy to all your fears, nobody else is.
One of the biggest turning points for me and getting to where I am for the last 2 decades was realising that everybody has their own **** going on and are usually more preoccupied with how they are coming across in a conversation than who/what the other person is.
As to something you could try, I could only advocate open groups on meetup or something similar, go and try groups you have a genuine interest in (people are at their most real when they are engaged on things that they are passionate about/enjoy. It gives them the opportunity to forget who they are and just engage in something that means something to them... it's a powerful thing). Things are a bit more digital these days but there are still activities there. On a simple numbers game (and I have practiced this) if I was thinking I feel like I hit a friend connection with 1 in every 100 people, I would be thinking how can I met 500 people, to get a cohort of peeps. I have a few people that I hold onto like diamonds because they are rare but I found because I opened my circles. I have had 100 that I have good craic with along the way and we are amiable. I treat it like a numbers game. Over the course of this activity, I have learned behaviours (I would be naturally introvert) and it is a skill that can be learned. Dont sell yourself short here, but not trying is unlikely to change anything. Prince charming stories dont really happen alas.
Ongarboy is right, be kinder to yourself. Genuinely speaking if I found out somebody who I met was lying on a frequent basis about **** that doesnt really make a difference, I wouldnt think I could trust them as a friend as I would not know where the lying stops and the truth beings.

Anyways hugs to you fella, this **** is tough, and it may seem insurmountable but being genuine and taking an interest in folks is a good start. It is not a switch and it takes time, put in a lil bit of effort and you will see a return. You will not get 100% success rate, but if 1 out of 10 people that you would like as a friend reciprocate, you will not care about the other 9.

Rubberchikken

I'm sorry you had to deal with bullying as a young person. It's one thing I absolutely hate and it.alwsys saddens me to think of anyone having to deal with it.
It's a pity those that dish it out never give thought to the damage and lasting scars it causes.

I'm glad your life turned around for you. I'll admit making friends is tough especially as we get older. But it's not impossible.
As we come out of this pandemic consider what group/s you'd be interested in joining, solo holidays are good and there are ones specifically for groups of solo travellers.

You have plenty of options, you just need to take the first step. good luck

Cashmenson

Cannotacceptmyself wrote: »

Im a 37yr old male who was bullied quite badly for being gay when i was growing up. The bullying was physical and emotional and went on for all my school years, damaging me so much I dropped out of college without giving it a chance, and worked in mediocre jobs for a few years with very little confidence. Happily, I went for counselling at 30 and started to accept my sexuality a bit more, I even went back to college and got a degree and now work full time in a job I enjoy and am good at.

But years of having no friends or not trusting people has left me very lonely and I have put on this stupid suit of armour around myself that im "normal and interesting" and not gay at all. Its a leftover defense mechanism from my childhood that I find hard to shake off- I often pretend Im a much more interesting person that I am, because I am quite a boring person. I only read, watch tv and help my family with stuff around the house when the emptiness in my flat becomes too much. I like to travel but all solo trips so yeah, very dull person. And I think people can almost smell it off me so my instinct when talking to people at work or anyone I meet is to pretend Im rich, interesting, mysterious, anything to get them to like me and not reject me. And i know how sad that sounds for a man my age, plus at least Im aware enough to know that this isnt healthy- pretending to be someone else is placing a huge burden on my mental health. Why cant i just be myself, whatever that means, and take the arrows and slings of life like everyone else?

Maybe I need to re-explore counselling because although I no longer think I was a born freak, Im still having big trouble accepting myself. I often daydream about all the normal lads in my town who all have established groups of friends who they will always have and will always accept them. I never had that, the resentment is strong at times even though Im sure the grass isnt always greener. But the fact remains people are only ever interested in interesting and exciting people who do exciting things. Thats been my experience anyway and Im sorry but I cant be doing much these days due to lockdown and its really exposing how sad and lonely I am.

Sorry for the long post. My issue here is, how to be ok with being a gay man and be happy in my skin and not to be wasting my life looking longingly at a life in others that may not even be real?? Thanks for reading.

You have a very similar story to me. I wish i could help you but i havent been able to answer the question myself.

zoobizoo

Taking solo holidays gave me the confidence to be more myself.

It also lead to me having some interesting travel tales to tell.

So I always enjoy hearing other people's travel tales and that makes you interesting to me.

"all the normal lads in my town who all have established groups of friends who they will always have and will always accept them." - not necessarily true, I have friends from home since school days but there's no reason why I will always have them and accept them no matter what. In fact I've stopped being in contact with a couple because even though they do exciting things like earning loads of money and going on expensive holidays and driving cars worth over €150k etc etc.... they can't tell me anything deep/honest about themselves and never have a good story to tell*.


"But the fact remains people are only ever interested in interesting and exciting people who do exciting things."
My dad isn't exciting and he doesn't do exciting things but we have a similar sense of humour and a similar interest in books...... and I enjoy his company.

Same with my best friend of 40 years - he has a pretty mundane life as do I now I guess. We are friends as we share a similar sense of humour and communicate well...


So tell us, did anything interesting happen on your travels?

Xterminator

Hi Op

I think it is very insightful of you to have realised what is holding you back, and to understand it is the fact you dont accept or like yourself.

If you dont love yourself, and be comfortable in your own skin, then it is very understandable there are other consequences like loneliness and mental health issues.

You seem to have not met your expectations of yourself - and to judge yourself harshly as a result. This has to change & you need to not just see the flaws but your strengths also. You need to be kinder to yourself, and be more accepting of yourself.

I think you should seek some CBT therapy to rewire your way of thinking. Perhaps mindfulness techniques would allow you to appreciate yourself more ? have you ever tried that?

OscarMIlde

My heart goes out to you OP. I was severely bullied all the way through primary school, and it left a lasting legacy. Even though my secondary school was very proactive, and I never faced active bullying there, I always felt a bit like a fish without water. I didn't really understand my peers, probably because I had missed out on crucial periods of socialisation.

It really effected my self confidence to a huge degree. I used to actually brace myself entering a room as I felt so nervous about it. It wasn't until I was mid twenties, when I was arriving in late after a doctors appointment and I entered a room and no one noticed, that it occurred to me 'You're not that interesting'. Not in a bad way, but as an adult people are wrapped up in their own concerns and it is a very odd person that is preoccupied with anyone else. People were no longer lying in wait trying to judge and laugh at everything I did.

I think as someone who was bullied, your sense of self was criticised to an enormous degree, making you question your self worth. You're continuing criticism as a self defense mechanism.

But there is nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with them, something severely wrong with them, that they felt the need to tear down someone else.

It is very hard, but I would try and focus on your self. You don't need to adopt a persona to make friends, people instinctively recognise things like that, and will withdraw anyway. Just focus on being a decent person. As adults people become friends with people they feel comfortable with, who they enjoy spending time with, who they can let their guard down around. You will be that person once you become comfortable with yourself.

Reading and extensive travel. You are far more interesting than most people as far as I can see.

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