Got involved with a toxic guy, struggling

LegacyUser

I'm in a bit of a mess. I attend a support group for addiction and I got involved with another group member (I know, terrible idea, lesson has definitely been learned so don't be too hard on me please).

The guy is lovely at times, and then suddenly he changes. He is paranoid and twists what I say and then drops me and says he's no longer interested. When we resume talking he goes back to being lovely and then the cycle repeats. I feel pathetic that I always return to him but I'm sort of vulnerable at the moment and struggling to take the power back for myself. My self esteem is clearly low and needs to be worked on.

It's been a few days since I was last dropped and I need to stay strong for when he inevitably gets in contact again. What he does is extremely painful and it's a relief when he comes back. It's a bit of an addictive cycle.

It's difficult because we're in the same group so I can't really block him, and it hurts when I see him on Zoom but I will need to stay strong. I'm struggling though.

Any advice at all would be very welcome.

Ann84

Could you move groups? I think it would be very hard to open up in front of someone in your group work environment so it may be best if you tried to start with a clean slate and a new group of people....

YellowLead

I agree - moving groups is the way to go.
With him there you can’t focus on your recovery, and you can’t focus on forgetting about him.

Listen - you are doing great to recognise the toxicity of his hot and cold behaviour, so don’t be too hard on yourself. But move.

LegacyUser

Sounds like a personality disordered individual.

Misinterprets things you say/do.
Paranoid.
Acuses you of all sorts of wierd stuff, causes you emotional turmoil.
Then its like bang, your expected to just let it go and resume things with him as if nothing has happened. No sorry, no contrition. Just exhausting.
Move on. Dont look back. Chose a better fit for a partner next time. Avoid the crazies.

Magicmatilda

I've been there. I actually didn't get out if it until I found out he was sleeping with other women incl vulnerable group members. Once that happened I was able to cut all tie. It took me a long time and therapy afterwards to really look at why I stayed so long. I think I had developed a skewed idea of love, that abuse was love and love was abuse. And it took a long time alone and going through therapy and 12 steps to get to the point where I loved myself enough to accept love.

Get a sponsor (female if you are female), start working through the steps with them. Change your group (I did in the end, should have sooner). You have to go cold turkey from him.

Also i would recommend some therapy to look at the low self esteem that results in you accepting this.

heretothere

As others have said could you change group? You say you see him on zoom have you ever meet face to face?

Curious_Case

Lately I've got to thinking that the essence of this type of person's psyche is simply the idea that they are more important than anyone else.

In my opinion, that simple fact is what justifies their behaviour to themselves.

Their usual "defence" of "you just don't understand" seems to be their "get out of jail free" card.

* I'm not referring to the poster here, I'm referring to her toxic acquaintance.

Taeholic

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds like a very difficult time for you. I echo what others have suggested about switching groups. You are vulnerable right now and no contact is the way to go.

He isn't good for you or where you are in your life right now. Try find another group and focus on you and your recovery. Stay strong and distract yourself with a new course or hobby, something that you like or is just for you. Good luck