Something small bringing up past events

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for reading. This is a bit of a trivial issue and I will no doubt be told to cop on and get over it but I appreciate replies and want to get it off my chest because im feeling a bit mad over the whole thing.

A couple of years ago I moved to a town across country for a job, I lived in this town for 6 years and it was easily one of the most difficult times in my life. The reasons for this were mainly because of the people. From the outside they looked like friendly, lovely people with large social groups but I always felt like an outsider, I never found my tribe so to speak and despite all my efforts to get on with people and make friends, most people I encountered were rude, nasty and belittling to my face and behind my back, even strangers would have nasty out of place comments to make. In work I was generally excluded from all work social events and hardly anyone would speak to me. I couldnt understand it as I was a friendly, upbeat person, I dont need everyone to like me but I never said or did anything hurtful to anyone to warrant such treatment.

I felt that every little thing I did and said was wrong no matter who I spoke to, people were just generally mean, clicky and had no interest in knowing me unless I was part of the group or could do something for them.

I felt sub human allot of the time and it was a very lonely time in my life. It was during some formative years and my self esteem & mental health really took a hit. I blamed myself for their behavior and really internalized how they treated me. I made a couple of friends in the years I was there but strangely enough, none of those friends were from that town.

When I moved back home, after being in that environment for so many years, I found it hard to open up or let people in, I sort of felt like I couldnt trust myself to be around people as I worried that something about me caused others to respond me to negatively.. Over time I slowly started to be my old self again and realized that theres nothing wrong with me, I just didnt fit in there for what ever reason.


To give some examples of the nastiness, one time after a presentation that I was very nervous about giving, I went outside and over heard in the room next door a group of colleagues laughing about how 'sh*t' my work was.
When out with a friend one night they ran into someone they knew. This person was inviting my friend to a party and telling her that she loved her, she turned and looked at me and aggressively said -not you- and gave me filthy look, I hadnt opened my mouth or ever met this person before.
Another night I ran into a colleague in the pub and stopped to talk to him, he turned to me and said -im trying to get away from you-, -go away-.
These are just small examples of situations that happened but this was the general tone throughout the 6 years with most people I encountered both inside and outside of work. It was horrible, allot of people treated me like I did something to them. People I knew would pass me on the street, id say hello to them and they would just stare back at me or throw me dirty looks. It was a very toxic environment to be in.
Before this I had no problem making friends or getting on with people, at home if I went out to a pub and even now when pubs are open, if I go out I usually end up sitting in a group with lots of acquaintances & friends.

Its a few years later now and while scrolling facebook someone I knew from this town posted a status which I liked, sometimes on facebook when the mouse hovers over a profile, the profile shows up in a little rectangle over their comment. I accidentally hovered over a comment under the status and accidentally sent a friend request to the person who had commented on the status. I noticed straight away and hovered back over the profile and cancelled the request. This happened to be someone from the town I used to live in. I dont know this person at all.
Within 30 seconds I had message with an accusatory tone from this person about why I added them? I responded apologizing and explaining what happened, included a few laugh emojis, it was a genuine mistake, they responded with a very blunt/mean reply.

I know I shouldnt take such things to heart but it just brought back memories of my time living in that town and how people made me feel throughout the 6 years. They would be the type of people to make a massive drama out of the smallest mistake, like accidentally sending a friend request on facebook.

I think im just trying to work through my feelings about it, I cant control what other people say to me or about me but still dont like being treated or spoken to like that, its very humiliating and dehumanizing.
Im not really sure what my question is but would like feedback.
Thanks

I had a very similar experience to yours OP when I moved to a new town for work for a fairly large employer. Everyone seemed nice at first, but it was as if they had just decided that they wanted no new friends and no matter what was said or done you could never do anything right and would always be the "outsider". I was not the only one to feel like this as a few other people moved there and started the same time as me and we ended up friends, but they could not win with most of the "natives" either.

Being left out didn't really bother me because I had the few friends I mentioned, but when they started in similar ways which you allude to and being obvious and mean about it, and being nasty in general, it did shock, embarrass and upset me. I am a fairly assertive person so I dealt with it straight up the next time it happened and would just ask people what they problem is, politely but firmly with short questions like "Why did you say that", "what do you mean", "could you explain what you mean by that", "how should I take what you just said" and then stay silent (this is key) waiting for an answer as they sweat and struggle to say something when they are on the spot. No one was ever honest and just said they were being an arsehole. Every time they got embarrassed and mumbled something at which stage I might ask them again. This put an end to it, I wasn't included in stuff (not that I would want to be with people like that) but no one dared be mean or obvious about it again because I would call them out and make it excruciating for them. It made me feel better about it all because I was standing up for myself.

Anyway OP, the basic lesson is that these type of people are just pricks. Now that you are no longer in work with them and have to be professional you can just tell them to f off, or just laugh to yourself and block them.

What you need to do OP is empower yourself with how to recognize and deal with people like that in the future in a way that works for you (mileage may vary on the approach I took!). To be honest, you will probably recognize this type of person on day 1 now and just think they are a prick and move on. For example, the person on the night out, had you not suffered years of doubt and pain over how you were being treated, and were vulnerable as a result, all you would have thought was "wow what a prick" and probably just moved on and thought little more about it. Same as if the person you accidentally added on facebook was a complete stranger, you would just go "wow that's a bit of an overreaction" and think no more about it. It is just that this person is a "flashback" that has momentarily reminded and reverted you to a previous time in your life. So think of a way to either deal with people like this, or a way to become more resilient.

In any case, I just wanted to finish by saying that you are not alone in your experience and it is not nice at all. Learn from it (i.e. how to protect yourself, I'm not saying you did anything wrong because you didn't!) and this will help you move on because you will have a plan in place should it happen again (it won't) but having the plan can calm the deep rooted anxiety you might have about this happening again.

Rubberchikken

Some places and people are so insecure that they Are incapable of being open and welcoming.

Its not anything you did or said Op, they've probably had it done to them and have definitely done it to others.

When you can you'll realise that you can chalknit up to experience, learn from it that you are a way better person than they'll ever be and live your life to the full. That's the best revenge it's said:)

Magicmatilda

Hey,

I just wanted to say I had similar experiences when I moved to a new town for two years a few years ago.

This is one of the those towns in Ireland that everyone says is amazing. When I told people I lived there they would always say what a great place it was and how lucky I was. But the truth was the "natives" were as you describe small minded and unfriendly. I did make friends and I did find a tribe but they also were not "natives" and thankfully because its such a popular place there were a good few of those people around.

At the end of that day this is in this past.

I would ask though when the person sent you the message in an accusatory tone why did you feel the need to reply. You don't need to answer but think about it. Why did you not just delete it and move on, after all they are irrelevant to your life now. Maybe reflect on what drove you to apologise.... sounds like you lack self esteem maybe so that would be the piece to work on.

Mad_maxx

Ireland is incredibly clannish in much of the country , they dont judge people based on the content of their character but on whether they knew their grandfather and whether he hurled for the parish

small minded people who you cant win over so dont even bother

your experiences OP dont sound like nothing by the way , they sound very unpleasant

Meeoow

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Hey,

I just wanted to say I had similar experiences when I moved to a new town for two years a few years ago.

This is one of the those towns in Ireland that everyone says is amazing. When I told people I lived there they would always say what a great place it was and how lucky I was. But the truth was the "natives" were as you describe small minded and unfriendly. I did make friends and I did find a tribe but they also were not "natives" and thankfully because its such a popular place there were a good few of those people around.

I had a very similar experience to you, and I think it's the same place too! It still haunts me 11 years on. Some people are just horrible.

Caranica

It's not an Ireland thing, I had something similar when I lived in the UK. Unless you were local or married in, it wasn't much fun.

I've moved on from there and then and very rarely look back. If something draws me back I think "thank feck I got out of there" and carry on. Those memories only have the power you allow them to have OP.

If there's particular characters, just block them on social media so you don't run the risk of accidentally sending them a request or looking their post. On Facebook someone can't see if you've blocked them, they just don't see you.

HildaOgdenx

'I think im just trying to work through my feelings about it, I cant control what other people say to me or about me but still dont like being treated or spoken to like that, its very humiliating and dehumanizing.'

You might find it helpful to discuss with a counsellor, to get it all safely out of your system, and to learn some techniques for putting it all in the past where it belongs. I also agree with making sure you can't see any of them on social media. That will help with leaving them behind.

It sounds like it was a horrible experience, there's no doubt about that. Don't let them have that power any more over you though. I know it sounds like a cliche, but nobody else can make you feel anything. You choose how to react. They are not worth your time, so don't allow them space in your head.

When I encounter people who add nothing but negativity to my life, I ask myself, 'does your opinion matter to me'? 'No, it doesn't' and that helps me to stop getting upset or annoyed with people who are of no consequence to me.

LegacyUser

pxodirtn wrote: »

I felt that every little thing I did and said was wrong no matter who I spoke to, people were just generally mean, clicky and had no interest in knowing me unless I was part of the group or could do something for them.

I felt sub human allot of the time and it was a very lonely time in my life. It was during some formative years and my self esteem & mental health really took a hit. I blamed myself for their behavior and really internalized how they treated me. I made a couple of friends in the years I was there but strangely enough, none of those friends were from that town.




I know I shouldnt take such things to heart but it just brought back memories of my time living in that town and how people made me feel throughout the 6 years.

I think im just trying to work through my feelings about it, I cant control what other people say to me or about me but still dont like being treated or spoken to like that, its very humiliating and dehumanizing.
Im not really sure what my question is but would like feedback.
Thanks

It's not trivial op. I had something similar happen to me and it's not nice at all. I spent far too long in a horribly oppressive environment and it really was soul destroying so I know how you feel.

I also had a little set back recently and it felt awful but it passes, you don't have anything to do with them, you get yourself back to normal and you will forget how you are feeling about it now xx

Sevenup79

Was this town in the south of Ireland by any chance?

Sevenup79

I think the people behaved like that, as they were jealous of someone not from the area getting a job.

If you lived in a small town where good quality jobs were scarce and if someone from 70 miles away got a good job in the one large factory/multinational you would be very jealous. I know most people wouldn't show it, but these people did show it. They could have a relation who is highly qualified, did voluntary work etc and still can't get going in a career. The most local town with employment prospects may be 50 miles away.

Outside of Dublin and Cork, there is stiff competition for any kind of a career job e.g. I.T. or finance. The employer can afford to offer a low salary, because these jobs will attract interest from people with families who are settled in the area.

I remember 20 years ago, when I was starting out, a lot of the young women who did office procedure courses would be cut throat competitive about even the most basic of jobs. I remember one of them hid my notebook with work procedures etc. They would never miss a chance to show you up in work, give incomplete information. We would all be temporary and they would want to be kept.

The OP's experience doesn't surprise me one bit.