Dwelling on the past

LegacyUser

Hi All

Im hoping to get some feedback/advice from people who may have experienced something similar to the below. It might seem trivial compared to other issues discussed here but id like to get your thoughts

I've been quite a while out of any type of serious relationship (4 years), however I still dwell on two relationships I had that long ago. The serious relationship lasted 3 years but and this was followed by a short 6 month one. The issue is that I find myself thinking about the girl from the second relationship on a daily basis recently just thinking of small things in that relationship and kicking myself for things I f**ked up etc and how she's getting on quite well ( this is actually not known by me but assumed irrational huh). In general I think I idolised this girl as the perfect woman, she seemed the type who could breeze through life without a care.

In general I'm a bit of an over thinker and the 3 year relationship ended horrendously in that she cheated on me and this hot me like a tonne of bricks with me going on quite a binge to try and take my mind off this, ultimately i was lucky to keep my job. I met the second girl 3 months after and had fun but I knew that it wouldn't work out , that didn't stop me trying to be a person that i thought she would like and avoid being myself. She was the total opposite to the girl i was with for 3 years and I liked that, she was the type of girl i thought i wanted. I felt lucky that she would seemed interested in me because i viewed her as out of my league

Since then I went through a period of dating on off until about to years ago i didn't really have the appetite for it any longer so stopped it.

Something else that no doubt played a part in this period is my own drinking which was totally habitual and selfish of me. Whilst the long term relationship ended after her cheating this was caused in part by my neglect of her and selfishness. I would go drinking when we had planned to meet, drink to much etc. It would be obvious to most people that this is something she didn't like but i didn't see it. I have quite a high tolerance for alcohol and for the most part am a good drinker in that I don't talk nonsense and am able to hold conversations, one person said to me the only reason I know you were drinking is that your eyes become a little glassy, this was after a morning to night drinking session.

Anyway I stopped drinking just over a year ago as it was having a toll on my mental health and it was forming part of my daily routine i.e. finish work, to the pub 6 or 7 seven pints and home most days. Since giving up i find the biggest difference is I don't make stupid decisions as often, just on a daily basis. I find that my relationships with people are more solid and I
still can go to the pub ( when they were open) and have a soft drink or whatever, so I don't think it has taken away from my personality , although it is definitely a great social lubricant.

Recently I have been feeling more myself and the want for a relationship is starting within me however thinking back on how bad i have been in previous ones I'm not sure if relationships are for me, I am coming to the age though (34) where I'm saving for a house and feel that I'm maturing albeit a bit late. Some of the mistakes I made that left an impact previously are things i defiantly wouldn't have done sober.

Apologies for the meandering , it was cathartic if nothing else. I would appreciate any advice or comments you might have, particularly around not being able to stop thinking about my old relationships, its becoming very annoying at this stage. I had fallen into the trap of looking a their social media which doesn't help.


Thanks

Goodigal

Hi OP. Couldn't read and not reply.

A few things from your post. It's great that you stopped drinking before lockdown began and you didn't feel traumatised by the end of socialising. That's something really positive and your body will thank you for that because it sounds like you were quite a heavy drinker.

Secondly we all have more time to think - and over think - in the last year. I'm an overthinker and doubt myself all the time. But your relationships ended several years ago. Fully closed. No need to keep revisiting them. Look ahead to the future, the hopeful reopening of the country and maybe being open to dating again. It might be a better experience for you this time around given the lack of alcohol. And be yourself, don't try to be someone you're not around new people.

Lastly, stop looking at their social media. It's not good for the soul!! And good luck!

YellowLead

Hi OP,

You recognised and faced your demons, then came out the other side - I would say that makes you more ready for a relationship than a lot of people

It’s bad timing with covid to be looking for new relationships - and I can understand the temptation to remain fixated on the past.

Only you can help yourself here and STOP the social media tracking - that is perpetuating you thinking about them and so the cycle continues. You will feel good once you have gone a few days without checking and proud of yourself

Again I know it’s easier said than done where there is nothing to do - but if you fill up your time with other things - learning new skills, work, reading a good book etc - you’ve less time to dwell.

Write it all down - this can be incredibly cleansing and will help you feel like you have closed a chapter on the past, so to speak.

I would encourage you to join a few dating apps and dip a toe in tentatively - organise a few virtual dates and see how you get on. If nothing it will be a good distraction from thoughts of the past and may be a bit of fun.

Thelonious Monk

Well done on the not drinking, if there's anything that will make you overanalyse and dwell on the past, it's being hungover or in the throes of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
All that stuff going through your head about these women and your past is just your brain making stuff up that has no relevance to reality, I'm sure you know this already. You can't change the past and there's no point beating yourself up about it, but what you can do is try and improve yourself so that you're better equipped to deal with future relationships and know what is good and bad for you.
As I'm sure you're well aware of - hobbies, fitness, reading, mindfulness, these things will really help you, just keep at it and keep trying to improve and sooner or later those memories wont matter any more, not that they do now in reality.

LilacNails

You talk about the regret for the other girl (6mnts ) and that u feel she was everything u wanted.... But u say u knew it wouldn't work out...? Why?

That's a bit confusing...

Have u tried talking to someone about all this? U sound stuck in a rut.

Massive well done on cutting back on drink. Not an easy thing to do.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, most of which I know and some of which I practice. I'm physically active and do have lots of friends acquaintances to speak to meet etc (well when this bloody lockdown ends), probably not meeting people like i used to may be playing a part.

The social media stuff is a killer and will end, seeing photos of exes with new partners is never going to help.

I'm actually quite an avid reader, mostly non fiction and had made an effort to do more reading and less staring at my phone in the evenings. Im not one for self help books but if anyone knows any titles that are good let me know? Who knows it might spark another interest.

Someone mentioned virtual dating, I didn't know that was happening. I guess it will ensure you keep eye contact.

Airyfairy12

Hi OP, from reading your post it sounds like youre struggling with some limerence with a focus on your ex but id wonder is it because you never felt for anyone else like you did for your long term girlfriend? Id also wonder are you looking back at the short term relationship and not seeing it for what it really was. Regardless of your drinking, at that time there was a reason you couldnt develop a strong romantic connection with that partner, looking back its easy to forget what those reasons where but if at the time you wearnt totally mad about her, outside of feeling insecure and putting her on a pedastool, in a real sense of getting to know her, it doesnt sound like a connection was there, if it was that would have been your reasons for missing her, not because you perceived her as better than you in some way.

I understand the temptation to nosey on ex's social media but keep in mind, people only share their highlights, you dont get to see the ins & out of someone's daily lives and who they really are. Ive fallen into this myself with exes, its so easy to forget the bad times & the hurt, its hard to see them happy in relationships when they might have been the one to hurt you and now theyre happy and you feel alone. The only thing you can do to stop this negative cycle of thinking is to stop looking at what theyre posting. Who knows where they'll be in 5 or 10 years time? Maybe they'll be single looking at your social media and pictures of you with a new partner. We really dont know whats around the corner.

I wouldnt write off dating just because of a few bad experiences.

LegacyUser

LilacNails wrote: »

You talk about the regret for the other girl (6mnts ) and that u feel she was everything u wanted.... But u say u knew it wouldn't work out...? Why?

That's a bit confusing...

Have u tried talking to someone about all this? U sound stuck in a rut.

Massive well done on cutting back on drink. Not an easy thing to do.

I thought I had responded to this, mustn't of submitted.

Apologies if I wasn't clear, at the time I felt like she was everything wanted/needed, she was attractive, intelligent and we had fun together but only really on one level. It didn't go any deeper than that really, she's a nice person but we weren't compatible.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Hi OP, from reading your post it sounds like youre struggling with some limerence with a focus on your ex but id wonder is it because you never felt for anyone else like you did for your long term girlfriend? Id also wonder are you looking back at the short term relationship and not seeing it for what it really was. Regardless of your drinking, at that time there was a reason you couldnt develop a strong romantic connection with that partner, looking back its easy to forget what those reasons where but if at the time you wearnt totally mad about her, outside of feeling insecure and putting her on a pedastool, in a real sense of getting to know her, it doesnt sound like a connection was there, if it was that would have been your reasons for missing her, not because you perceived her as better than you in some way.

I understand the temptation to nosey on ex's social media but keep in mind, people only share their highlights, you dont get to see the ins & out of someone's daily lives and who they really are. Ive fallen into this myself with exes, its so easy to forget the bad times & the hurt, its hard to see them happy in relationships when they might have been the one to hurt you and now theyre happy and you feel alone. The only thing you can do to stop this negative cycle of thinking is to stop looking at what theyre posting. Who knows where they'll be in 5 or 10 years time? Maybe they'll be single looking at your social media and pictures of you with a new partner. We really dont know whats around the corner.

I wouldnt write off dating just because of a few bad experiences.

I had to google limerance and it explains it perfectly, I tried and wanted to make something that wasn't there and you cant manufacture love really. The long term relationship was totally different in that (not being bigheaded) for most of the time the girl was more in love with me than i was with her but over time this grew in me too, maybe I became used to having someone admiring me and then it ending disastrously without me seeing it although it was there to see had an effect.

The long term girl friend was my first grown up relationship really and maybe even though it was bad in the end it obviously formed part of who I am now

The social media thing is stopped, no good can come from it. If i see a new profile picture of what ever my heart even races and im upset, setting of a few days of thinking about her again.