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Something has to give

  • 15-02-2021 5:08am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm really struggling with this lock down and just can't see an end to it. I'm not working, I've been looking for a job but it would need to be a work from home one. I live in a rural area and I'm not driving right now, and won't be for the foreseeable future, that's another issue I have to work on.

    I've been looking for work online. I've a professional qualification and not much in my field is coming up online. I've looked into sales/ customer service jobs which would be easy to do for home. I've also been keeping an eye on the local paper/ online for jobs in the nearest town, it's tiny though so I can't imagine to much coming up. I'd take anything. But I'm having no luck, a relative that works in recruitment said I am more than likely 'over qualified' for the positions I am applying for which is very frustrating.

    Anyway all this is having a huge effect, and I am drink WAY too much. I'll go a few days, make all the promises under the sun to my OH but will cave in. He has said it has to stop he can't cope with not knowing what he was coming home to anymore. I know it has to, I really want to try for a baby, I miscarried last year (I was not drinking at the time). I've sought help, I went to rehab but I didn't last long after, and I'm really not a fan of AA online, but maybe that's something I've to just get on with. It's a different pattern now, prior to rehab I drank every single night, but the volume is higher this time on the days I do drink.

    My OH recommended I move in with my mam for a bit. She lives in a much bigger town it would even be possible to commute to Dublin from where she lives (we have no public transport here). I know something has to give, not sure getting a job will be the magic solution i think it will be. I don't want to put my OH though this but I can't seem to help myself. Do you think moving in with my mam would be a good idea? I think it would give my OH a bit for peace for a while. But it seems like a bad plan for my marriage. Also we're not meant to travel at the min.

    Thanks for any advice.


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Your OH has pretty much given you an ultimatum: get out of your shared home, and sort yourself out.

    You two are so far off being ready to be parents that it’s not even a question in this.

    You are about to lose your relationship with him. He might not have explicitly said it, but my read of the situation is that he’s saying it’s pick him, or pick the drink. If you don’t do something sharpish, I’d say your relationship is over.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,929 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    I think the move to a commutable distance from Dublin is a good idea. Having a job and the independence of public transport etc will give you a sense of self-worth that will help remove the void that has to be filled with alcohol.

    If I were you I would give up alcohol for life as soon as possible. You're choosing between absolute self destruction and a wonderful life, with only a couple of good decisions standing in the way


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    Most if not all rehab centers offer aftercare? Did you attend? Have you contacted them since you relapsed? really its them you should be talking to. to discuss this, the people who treated you for your addiction not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

    I think it is telling that rather than go back to the professionals who know your story you have come on here. You seems to not be ready to really accept that you have an addiction that is ruining your marriage. Until you can accept that I don't think much will change and you will probably have no choice to leave, or else he will leave.

    I'm sorry that is harsh but it is the truth of the situation.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,491 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    I think a change of scene will do you good. And clearly your husband needs space.

    You need to work on your addiction first however - use the job in Dublin as a goal to aim for once you have kicked it - I would worry if you got a job straight off the bat you might be fired and that would worsen your confidence and increase the drinking.

    As another poster mentioned - professional help is needed. Nobody can kick this alone. The fact you don’t like AA for example is not a very can do attitude - you should be willing to try anything to save your marriage (if you want to) and your health/life.

    Move to Dublin, get yourself sorted, get a job then think about what will work for yourself and your husband going forward and what your long term employment end game is.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 22,889 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    Stop drinking. I gave up last June and it was the best decision ever. More energy for everything.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the advice everyone. I went to Cuan Mhuire. They do offer after care but I don't drive and it was about 3 hours from where I am. I know another excuse. I am making some progress before I went to cm I wouldn't even admit I have a problem. Even with what I learnt there I couldn't admit I was an alcoholic before coming out. I can do that now having applied a lot of my learning and with other supports. As I said it's binges not drinking daily, still causing a lot of issues but I am trying the most I last is usually just a week so not very good.

    I loved AA just not the zoom ones. I found the chat with a cup of tea before/ after the most helpful part. I didn't get a sponsor but I was looking. It's not an actual rule but they say women should pick a woman as a sponsor. As I said it's very rural here and even though I varied up my meetings if there was 1 other woman I was lucky. But the mostly much older men were lovely. Not like some of the horror stories I heard. Only a handful of times was a younger man making advances but one of the auld lads always copped it very quick and stepped in. Anyway I'm digressing.

    I know I have to quit. I just keep fooling myself that maybe this time I can control it. I've not got full acceptance yet, well some days I do then I forget again. I wish a switch would just flick in my stupid brain.

    Yes my husband is a saint to put up with me for as long as he has. He said it's because he can remember the real me. Up until 18 months ago I wasn't an alcoholic or maybe I was I just didn't know with work commitments being quite taxing I couldn't drink to excess. I still had a few glasses of wine most nights and always drank too much on nights out. It was when I was made redundant it really raised its ugly head.

    I'll finish here because I know I'm going on. Someone asked why not go back to the professionals why come onto the internet. Because I think I'll get more honest, truthful answers. I'm not saying the professionals don't help but the counsellor I go to doesn't really give advice. And the first one I went to was obsessed with imagining a square in your head for breathing and dressing yourself and your bed every morning (which I have always done)


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    beertons wrote: »
    Stop drinking. I gave up last June and it was the best decision ever. More energy for everything.

    Yeah cos it's just that simple :rolleyes: If it was that easy to stop then there would be no alcoholics or addicts. Alcohol destroys lifes, ruins relationships and can ultimately lead to death and yet people still continue to drink. The Op has been very open and honest and has said she relapsed after rehab so telling her to stop drinking is extremely unhelpful and thoughtless.

    Op, my heart goes out to you and I just want to give you a massive hug. I know how hard it can be not working and having that structure and routine. It can make you feel so down and useless. Times are tough at the moment and jobs are scarce but I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that there are alot of people in the same boat right now.

    What are your drinking patterns like if you don't mind my asking? Try not to be too hard on yourself. Alcohol is such a powerful drug and once it takes a hold on you it's very hard to get out of it's toxic grip. I know it all too welll.

    Big hugs to you, it will be ok.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I don't know how far back you're curious about so I'll go the whole way and hopefully not bore you.

    I started drinking age 12 while I don't think she was actually an alcoholic my mam was a serious heavy drinker so letting me have a few alco pops of an evening let her drink to her hearts content. Started properly going out to clubs etc about age 14. My step dad on the other hand was an abusive and aggressive alcoholic (he was mostly mind control but some physical both in the wrong way, and the very wrong way) and to try make him love me I would go on drinking sessions with him from age 16. He has since died and i have learnt that was not love.

    Bar my possibly week long drinking sessions with him I mostly through college drank 2 week nights and Saturday at home but it was usually to excess. Went and done the oz thing like most of my age group. Drink ramped up there. Not blind drunk but drank every night. I though I was just having fun, don't get me wrong I did have a lot of fun too but I really was one of those that would have thought someone was pure dry if they weren't sculling pints and downing shots on a Saturday night. My view has now changed and I envy those people.

    Came home at 25 and with two very close relatives both dying within a year both in tragic circumstances. I coped with drink. Usually a 1/2 bottle of wine in front of OH and a hidden nagon to top up.

    By the time the overwhelming grief started to pass I was hooked and would say every Monday I'll stop I won't buy it. But I would. This continued until I was 30. That's like 10 plus units a night and I'm not a huge woman.

    Then got made redundant and it really went down hill FAST so fast I went from clearly being a heavy drinker but managing day to day life and holding down a stressful job to being in rehab within 3 months.

    Since rehab it's been binges. I think the longest I've done was 2 weeks off but it's usually less than a week off then 2/3 days on go through my detox swear off drink forever only to find myself back on it. In most things I'm as determined as a mule my husband says I need to direct that determination towards stopping drinking. But I just can't seem too.

    You're right all well and good to just say stop drinking. But like anything (and I know the over all affect on life is completely different health may be damaged but relationships usually aren't) I done slimming world a few years back and honestly change the word food for drink and they could be at an AA meeting they way some of the very over weight people spoke. And I did see many loose huge weight 11 odd stone or that that lady put it all back on. Now I saw others succeed. But it's not as simple as step away from the plate for a lot of overweight people. My own husband is brutal for snacking on high fat, high sugar/ salt food if he opens a big bag of something it's all gone in one sitting. I think it's kinda the same with drink. As much as I know I shouldn't and that it is damaging so much of my life I just can't. As I said above for people who don't have an issue with drink when you go on a diet and you're told you can't eat chocolate what's the only thing you want. That's what it is like for me with drink but I can only assume an even stronger pull.

    Anyway sorry if this is to much information for some people but it's helping me just to write it down anyway.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,880 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Sorry OP, you need a lot of help and support. A lot. You need to be attending meetings and possibly getting counselling too. Tbh, the fact that you have got so far in your AA meetings is fantastic. But alcohol and alcoholism has been ingrained in your life from the age of 12, so while you are incredibly strong to be trying to do it yourself, you are trying to break a habit of a lifetime here, in addition to it being an addictive habit and a coping habit (to "get" your father to love you), so if you can get back to AA, do. Or contact Cuan Mhuire, explain your situation and see if anything can be done, I am sure they will want to try and help you since you have come so far already.



    I thought I saw elsewhere that AA meetings were happening in person, but I am not sure. But surely even the Zoom ones would be better than nothing at this point.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    They did for a little while around last Autumn. Ya I just need to get into the online system. I'll never find a sponsor that way but it most certainly cannot hurt to be attending meetings.

    You know the 'funny' thing was I though alcoholics were drinking out of a paper bag under a bridge somewhere. they're not going by me and the most I've meet they're married with nice homes and good jobs. Addiction is addiction regardless of who you are. (I mostly meet women not sure if that matters) But maybe those poor souls never thought any rehab would have them. It's really opened my eyes and makes me more compassionate to someone that really does loose everything.

    I spoke to my mam about moving in with her she thinks if it will help she is all for it. As I said she was a v heavy drinker in the day but she doesn't drink anymore and thankfully we have managed to form a great bond so she's said yes but there will be zero alcohol in the house if I do move in which is fair enough


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Thank you for sharing your story Op. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You are one strong resilient woman. Your story is similar to mine and really resonates with me. I used to go on drinking sessions with my dad too in a futile attempt to bond with him. He died from alcohol a few years ago. My mom sadly also died from alcohol poisoning. I grew up in a house where it was normal..well maybe not normal but expected and accepted to see my dad drinking a beer or my mom drinking vodka in the morning before school. It had a hugely profound effect on me when my mom died and I started hitting the bottle myself. Prior to that, i actually hated alcohol cos I could see the destruction it was causing around me. I rarely drank and hated seeing people drunk.
    I can relate to your husband saying he doesn't know what he's coming home to but im also on the other side of the door cos im the one doing the drinking!
    It really does creep up on you. I've started a few threads on here over the years about my struggle with alcohol. Its unbelievable how it tricks you each and every time and how despite being so nasty to us, we keep going back for more.
    It's like an abusive relationship and you keep trying to win back the guys approval. You keep going back even though its destroying you.
    I am in an abusive relationship with alcohol:)
    I wish I could break up with him!

    I don't have any solid advice Op and I hope you don't mind me telling you my story too, i just want you to know that you're not alone in this and that it's not your fault. I'm sending you virtual hugs and thoughts. You're gonna be ok, I promise. It's one step at a time and today that step was writing here. Keep on walking x


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Porklife wrote: »
    Thank you for sharing your story Op. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You are one strong resilient woman. Your story is similar to mine and really resonates with me. I used to go on drinking sessions with my dad too in a futile attempt to bond with him. He died from alcohol a few years ago. My mom sadly also died from alcohol poisoning. I grew up in a house where it was normal..well maybe not normal but expected and accepted to see my dad drinking a beer or my mom drinking vodka in the morning before school. It had a hugely profound effect on me when my mom died and I started hitting the bottle myself. Prior to that, i actually hated alcohol cos I could see the destruction it was causing around me. I rarely drank and hated seeing people drunk.
    I can relate to your husband saying he doesn't know what he's coming home to but im also on the other side of the door cos im the one doing the drinking!
    It really does creep up on you. I've started a few threads on here over the years about my struggle with alcohol. Its unbelievable how it tricks you each and every time and how despite being so nasty to us, we keep going back for more.
    It's like an abusive relationship and you keep trying to win back the guys approval. You keep going back even though its destroying you.
    I am in an abusive relationship with alcohol:)
    I wish I could break up with him!

    I don't have any solid advice Op and I hope you don't mind me telling you my story too, i just want you to know that you're not alone in this and that it's not your fault. I'm sending you virtual hugs and thoughts. You're gonna be ok, I promise. It's one step at a time and today that step was writing here. Keep on walking x

    Thanks porklife I'm crying reading this. That other people grew up with the fear of what is coming that night. And that is not what what I want for my husband he does not deserve that. Sorrry starting to get very upset. Might sound easy to stop drink for some people but it is a huge step for me


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,880 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Of course it is huge OP, you have never seen an example other than drink, from your formative years, when many of your life impressions are formed.You probably can't see how far you have made it, but as is often the case, those of us standing outside can see it.You are there looking for help, realising there is a problem, that is huge.Take whatever help you can get just to get through the next few months, hopefully AA meetings will resume in person soon, and you can attend them again.Don't feel it has to be all on you to do without help.Best of luck with it all, you will get there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 888 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    A lot here beyond the help of people online and very much in need of continued professional help.

    But just re the being over qualified for jobs would you consider dumbing down your CV a little when applying for certain roles you think you may be getting turned down for those reasons. Any time in the past when applying for a role I'd always adjust my CV to cater for each individual job I was applying for to give me the best chance. It's time consuming but that's one thing you have a lot of. So whether playing up or playing down certain aspects of your experience just ask yourself what that particular employer may be looking for.

    Best of luck with everything else, try doing it for your husband because he sounds great and without him in your life you could slip further into addiction which doesnt bare thinking about considering where you're at right now.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Others have given you great advice about your addiction but one thing I do want to mention is that it might be worth talking to a bereavement counsellor about your miscarriage and future hopes for a baby can also turn into very subtle yet stressful fears and that happens with many couples. I'm sure that your marriage being a bit wobbly at the moment due to your addiction is not helping all those thoughts one bit either.

    The early pregnancy unit was able to give me the details for a bereavement counsellor, who it transpired also helped a friend of mine get through a traumatic pregnancy loss.

    It sounds like staying with your mother could be a good idea for a little while, just until you get into a plan for the road ahead. All the best.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,368 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Its a hard time for getting work atm, not much is being advertised.

    As for the drinking, youre on a very slippery slope and what normally happens is people start drinking earlier and earlier in the day and before you know it youre entirely dependant. Only you can stop yourself drinking, no one else can do it for you. I had a close family member who died a few years ago from drinking. 20 years ago he had a house, a good job & a wife, he was nicest person you could ever meet but started drinking more & more as the years went on, lost his wife & home. He didnt drink much when he did drink but he would drink quickly & get very drunk, pass out, wet himself, he ended up homeless for several years.
    Although he wasnt drinking much in a day, as he was drinking every day over time his health started to fail. One night he took a seizure and was essentially brain damaged with slurred speech & needed a walker.
    He died alone in a squalid apartment and wasnt found for week. This was a downward spiral that happened over years and unfortunately is the same old story for most alcoholics.
    It sounds like youre at a point where you can stop something like this from happening to you. Stop buying drink for a start, if its not in the house you cant be tempted by it and living rurally it makes it harder for you to just go to a shop and buy a bottle so in one way, living rural might be a blessing.
    Also, alcoholism is for life, you cant just stay off it for a few weeks and expect to be able to have one or two drinks and leave it at that, you have to make a lifetime commitment to stay off alcohol completely. You probably know all this but id really suggest speaking to your husband about it and both agreeing to keep your house an alcohol free zone.


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    Did you get any phone numbers of other people in AA when you went to the meetings?

    Have you called them?


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I got one ladies number she is fab but going through her own stuff. So couldn't sponsor me.

    Today has been very dark. Trying to talk. I don't want to. This pain is mine and doesn't need to be put on anyone. Yup sounds as dramatic to me. I'm a 30 year old who is letting her 12 year old angry self out


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,368 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    <Snip> Please do not quote the entire post. It is unnecessary.

    Youre 30, that so young. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, now is your chance to make sure that is a positive, enjoyable future and not one spent fighting an addiction.

    If you have issues relating to your childhood & have anger issues, speak to a therapist about it but also, good mental health is maintained, it doesnt just happen. You need to make a conscious effort to llok after your mental health, that means no alcohol, keeping active, eating well, working on your mindset/not allowing your thoughts to become overly negative, setting goals & working towards them, talking to a therapist when you need to.

    Keep going OP.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2


    Have noticed a few friends getting blotto during this lockdown. It's not good. In the best of times, drink is a pox and a curse on many people's lives. In my opinion it's doubly so during this weird and uncertain time.

    Give knocking the drink on the head a serious go. There's nothing to be gained from drinking at home during a lockdown. Don't be too hard on yourself. Lots of people are in your situation out of work and feeling isolated, but give yourself a chance to rescue your relationship and wellbeing.

    Best of luck OP.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi All,

    OP here, said I'd give a small update. I've been sober now for 2 weeks. The first two days were not pleasant! But I got through it. I tore apart the house when my husband was here and poured away any drink, and haven't bought any more, as I said I live in a rural area and it's like a 3 hour round trip on foot to go buy drink which is a good thing because so long as I can distract myself until the urge passes I won't go, although thankfully the urges haven't been too bad or even frequent. I think that's because this time I really want to do this, yes to save my marriage etc but also this time I want it for me, it was always to appease my family before. Also I've been trying to fill my days do my meeting, go for a walk, do some cleaning, have the dinner ready, then hubby is home and we have dinner together and watch some netflix. I'm going to get into some of my craft hobbies again too.

    I started online AA meetings, they are way better than I remember. I stopped doing them online last April/ May because "it wasn't the same" "I couldn't connect to people on it" I can see now that they were excuses plain and simple. Yes it is different and yes I will go back to normal meetings whenever that is but honestly the daily meeting online has been great. A couple of women have given me their numbers and people are getting to know me and are all so supportive.

    It's only been two weeks but my life already feels so much better. When I did short sober stints before I always had in the back of my head that this was only until the "heat" had died down. I don't feel that way this time so I am just enjoying life even if it is pretty restricted right now but like just enjoying being in the garden, spending quality time with my husband and him not worried that I am off in the bathroom swigging on a bottle of something.

    And if I do feel anyway way tempted, I just remind myself how great my home life has been, and my mental health has been these last 2 weeks and I can see that the drink is not worth it! It tricks me into thinking it will make life more interesting but really all it does is destroy anything good in my life.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 22,889 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    That's deadly, well done!


  • Registered Users Posts: 574 ✭✭✭LilacNails


    Fantastic, well done to u great achievement!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,848 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Op well done.
    Its so heartening to read through the posts and see the advice and support here.
    Keep going, you're a hell of a lot stronger than you realise:)


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